Soul Searching

Disclaimer: Still don't own them but want to again.

Summary: Too much fun to go into right now.

Reviews: Yes, please. Everyone who wasn't able to review the last chapter please go back and do it now. THANKS. As always: readers rock but reviewers RULE!

A/N: Not really anything I want to divulge right now, these guys are getting more fun by the day. This story seems to be winding down. Not too many chapters left. Still got a couple of issues to resolve. So just read and enjoy. Don't forget to tell me what you think!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Spike sat on the back steps of the Summers home smoking a cigarette. He contemplated the red tip of the white cylinder as if it held the answers to the universe. It amused him that after all those months his coffee can filled with sand still sat on the sidewalk waiting for him to stub out his smokes in it. So much had happened in just a couple of days. He was so tired he wasn't sure he could last much longer. The urge to blow off everyone waiting inside the house and just go to bed had to be quelled. He felt her presence at the back door seconds before she spoke.

"Mind if I join you?" She asked quietly, almost shyly. After all they had been through, she still hesitated before she spoke to him.

He turned his head and smiled. "Sure, come on out." He dropped his cigarette into the coffee can and retrieved his beer from the step. "What's on your mind?"

She sat down on the step next to him, careful not to invade his personal space. "I just wanted to make sure you were all right. You've been on quite an emotional roller coaster the past couple of days." Her hand landed on the step next to his and her fingers inched over to entwine with his.

Spike glanced down in surprise at the warm female fingers threading around his own cool hand. "Something you wanna tell me?" He asked in quiet surprise.

Tara laughed. "No, I just felt as if you needed some contact."

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Thank you. I'm fine. Just a bit knackered." He took another sip of beer.

"The crowd in there doesn't help, does it?" She observed.

He grinned. "They mean well."

"That's not something we expect to hear from you." Tara gazed up at him in surprise.

"That's me. One surprise after another." Spike mocked himself quietly.

Smokey blue eyes ran over his profile. "I see your aura and you still surprise me." She told him.

"It's all black isn't it?" He asked somberly.

"No, it's not. You have a lot of different colors in your aura. I did some searching last summer when you lived with us and…" She stopped, unsure how to approach the subject.

"And what, Glenda? You can't just start a sentence like that and leave a bloke hanging on what you're not saying." Spike looked at her curiously.

She bit her lip and wished she'd waited to tell him what she knew. All their friends and family were in the house behind them. The party had been going on since shortly after they'd collected Xander and Willow from the hospital and showed no signs of slowing down anytime soon. The noise from all the people talking was what had driven the two of them to seek the relative quiet of the back porch in the first place.

Inhaling deeply, she tried again. "Last summer after Buffy… when you were… well, Angel told us how you were turned and how you were different from most vampires. I was curious and did some searching." She stopped and lowered her head, hesitant to continue.

Spike turned toward her and lifted her chin with a finger. "Glenda, just tell me. What were you searching for?"

Smoky blue eyes met dark sapphire ones. "I was looking for your soul." She said.

His fingers tightened on hers then he released her hand. His hands shook as he got out a cigarette. The flame of his lighter flickered as he lit it. Bowing his head, he inhaled sharply. "Why?" He asked finally.

"Because I couldn't believe that someone who feels as much as you do could possibly be soulless. I had a theory that your soul had gotten buried deep, so deep you didn't realize it was still there." Tara told him hesitantly.

He flashed a sardonic smile. "Didn't find it did you?"

She gazed at him. The seriousness of her expression making him uncomfortable. "Spike, why do you think it bothered you so much when Buffy kept telling you how evil she thought you were?" She asked instead.

"Because I loved her so much and she didn't believe me. Because I tried so hard to change and it didn't help." Spike confessed quietly.

"That's not the only reason." Tara told him.

"It's not?" He was puzzled.

"No. It's because your soul was fighting to the surface and wanted to be acknowledged. I found it. It was inside you all along. It had been in hiding. Remember the magic containment?" She explained.

He only nodded.

"It was buried even deeper than that. The violence that Angelus instilled in you pushed it so far down you didn't realize it was still there. When you got chipped the violence was curbed and you soul began its long journey back. That's why you've had so manyproblems the past few days. Your soul was making itself felt. It clashed with your demon and the treatment you got from Buffy. You had to reconcile all of it. You did it this afternoon when you chose not to kill Warren. Your soul and your demon made peace. You forced them to acknowledge each other and learn to coexist." Tara held his gaze as she told him what she'd found.

"Are you telling me I won't have to live in alleys and eat rats for a hundred years like my soulful sire?" Spike asked with a slight smile. He wasn't sure he believed what Tara was saying. The thought that she might be right shook him.

She took his trembling hand into hers. "I'm not saying you won't have a few problems. It won't always be easy. You'll have the same choices we all do. Doing the right thing versus being bad. We've just had more practice. We'll be here to help you. Angel was alone, mostly by choice. You have all of us." She held his gaze. "We love you."

He resorted to his usual smirk. "Do we need to tell Red anything, Luv?"

Tara blushed. "You're bad."

"Keep telling you all that, none of you ever listen." Spike teased. He stubbed out his cigarette before finishing his beer. Leaving his hand in her grasp he stood up, pulling her along as he rose. She lost her balance and fell against him. He caught her and held her in a hug.

"I love you too." Spike whispered in her ear. She could feel his grin against her hair. "But you tell anyone, I'll bite you."

Tara laughed outright. She smacked his shoulder and pulled out of his arms. He chuckled at her obvious discomfort. They turned to go back into the house and stopped when they saw Willow glaring at them from the door.

"Hey Red. How's the party?" Spike smiled up at her. He saw the jealousy lurking in her eyes. Tara glanced uncertainly from her girlfriend to the blond vampire. Spike reclaimed Tara's hand, earning a warning glare from the redhead. He tugged the blonde witch up the steps with him and stopped in front of the obviously unhappy Willow. He took Willow's hand into his free one and looked into her stormy eyes. "Relax, we're just having a little soulful chat. I'm not poaching and I gave up on that threesome idea last year."

Willow couldn't help the smile provoked by his teasing. "We were wondering where you both got to."

He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Just needed a little quiet is all." He placed Tara's hand in Willow's. "Now why don't you find a nice dark corner and do a little snogging?" He suggested with a little leer. "Could help with that if you want."

Tara pulled Willow closer and kissed her briefly, her eyes promising more to come. Willow slid her arms around Tara and smiled happily. "No thanks. I think we have it covered." She said before dragging her love to the far side of the porch where a swing waited.

He pulled the door open and smiled at them wickedly. "Right then. I'll just go in and tell everyone that you're indulging in a little quickie out here, eh?"

Both girls giggled at his silliness.

The noise nearly overwhelmed him again as soon as he entered the kitchen. Dawn turned away from the sink and spotted him standing uncertainly just inside the door. She wandered over to him with none of her usual enthusiasm. Stopping right in front of him she gazed up with huge blue eyes. He noticed idly that she didn't have as far to look up as she used to. Spike ran his fingers down a strand of her silky chestnut hair.

"What? No hug for Big Brother Spike? Don't love me anymore?" He wondered quietly.

"Would you really have killed him?" She asked seriously.

He sighed and dropped his gaze. "I really wanted to. He hurt you. You died and I failed to protect you. Again. That by itself is almost enough to make me stake myself. But no, with you standing there watching, I don't think I would have done it." His eyes caught and held hers so she could see the honesty shining in them.

She glanced down at his side. "How are you? That wound healing okay?" She reached out a hand and touched the spot where he'd been shot. Spike covered her small hand with his larger one. Closing his eyes, he inhaled her scent and let peace wash over him.

"I'm fine. Now can I have my hug?" He snaked his free hand around her waist and pulled her closer. "I've missed you so much." He breathed.

She snuggled in like she used to when it was just the two of them against the world. "I missed you too."

"Is this hugfest private or can anyone join in?" Xander's amused voice broke the peaceful little bubble they'd created. Dawn turned to him with a grin to give him his hug but was stunned with the brunette pulled Spike into a bear hug.

"Hey!" Spike protested. "I thought I told you I didn't swing that way any more." He clapped his friend on the back and pulled back to inspect Xander's physical condition. They'd healed him as soon as they were able but he'd lost a lot of blood and had been feeling rather weak.

Xander smiled sheepishly and backed away a little. "I heard what you did. The torturing of Warren but the not killing. Wish I could have seen it. The little bastard deserved every second of pain you gave him."

"Remind me and I'll do a little transference and let you enjoy every bit of it. Okay?" Spike winked at him.

Xander grinned in anticipation. "We'll do it tomorrow. My place. Beer and wings. Then we'll go play pool."

"Sounds like a plan." Spike agreed then yawned.

Dawn blinked at him. "Tired much?" She teased.

Spike nodded briefly. "Been a long day."

A new voice interrupted. "So this is where the guests of honor are hiding." Fred observed with humor shining in her eyes.

Spike looked at Xander and Dawn. "Excuse me. I need to talk to a little scientist." He moved over to Fred and gathered her into his arms. She gasped in surprise. He grinned into her hair. "Thank you." He whispered.

"I didn't do anything." She protested as Xander and Dawn drifted back to the living room, leaving them alone for a minute.

"Oh yes, you did." Spike assured her. "You stalled me and gave Xander time to keep me from doing something stupid. And you explained how people can be gone but still care. In both my lives people have left me. I never understood why. I thought something was wrong with me. That they left because they didn't or couldn't love me. You saved my unlife and helped give me back my sanity. You didn't even know me and you cared. That means a lot to me. I'll never forget it."

Fred backed shyly out of his arms. "I just couldn't leave you like that. I know how it feels to think that the whole world has forgotten you. I also know how much it hurts to think that everyone is against you. Hey, five years in another dimension." She smiled up at him. "I'm just happy I could help. Don't get to do much of that."

He grinned back at her. "Oh, I think you do more than you know." He looped an arm over her shoulders. "Let's go make an entrance." She reached up and wound her fingers through the ones he'd draped over her shoulder. They gazed into each other's eyes as they strolled through the door into the living room full of their friends. Xander shoved another beer into Spike's free hand. All talking in the room stopped as everyone noticed the vampire walk in with his arm around Fred.

Angel stalked over and glared at Spike. "Where have you been? Are you okay?" The elder vampire was still unsure his Childe wasn't going to suffer a relapse and his concern made him gruff.

Spike grinned. "Chill, Peaches. Just having a chat with some friends." He let his sapphire gaze wander around the room. Buffy and Cordelia were seated on the sofa. They were both looking at him standing with Fred tucked up against his shoulder. Cordy was curious but Buffy had jealous sparks shooting from her green eyes. Dawn and Xander were standing off to the side, united in their support of Spike. Gunn and Wesley had been talking to Giles about demonology. Music was playing softly in the background. The noise level had decreased enormously since Spike had come back into the house. The party seemed to be winding down Spike noticed thankfully. He also detected the rise in hostile feelings emanating from certain parts of the room. Gunn and Wesley were both looking at him as if they wished they dared stake him. Buffy was still glaring daggers at him and he grinned. He bent his head and pressed a kiss on Fred's temple. He moved to whisper in her ear.

"Don't look now but we seem to be the center of some major jealousy." He told her.

She giggled as his breath tickled her ear. "You're joking. Right?" She whispered back. To the onlookers it appeared that they were nuzzling lovingly.

He shook his head as his lips found her ear again. "Check out Gunn and Watcher Jr. Let's not forget the Slayer."

Fred ducked her head and peered surreptitiously at the three Spike had mentioned. Sure enough there seemed to be quite a bit of hostility directed at them. She was surprised at the thrill of feminine power it gave her to have both Gunn and Wesley looking at her that way. She gazed back up at Spike, her shining brown eyes locking with his sparkling blue ones.

Giles was observing his fellow ex-watcher with some amusement of his own. He knew very well who Spike's heart longed for. He wasn't one to stop loving someone overnight. He'd heard from Angel how Fred had been the one to comfort Spike when his mind had been fractured. It didn't surprise him at all that the blond vampire was showing affection for the pretty scientist.

Angel could hear Spike and Fred's whispered exchange and smothered a smile of his own. He knew Fred had done something very special for Spike and was not surprised by the easy affection he could sense between them.

The tense silence in the room was broken by the giggles of Willow and Tara as they came in from the kitchen. They halted abruptly when they sensed the hostility floating freely about the room. Tara grinned when she observed the physical closeness of Spike and Fred. That explained a lot. She exchanged a knowing look with her lover and smirked at Spike. "Hey Spike. That corner is free if you want to take care of any… um… cramps." She said innocently.

Fred's jaw dropped and Spike glared at the blonde witch. "No thanks, Glenda. Cramp free today."

Dawn and Xander lost it. They collapsed against each other in fits of giggles. They both remembered Buffy's last birthday party. Xander knew about the 'cramp' reference because of his acquired memories. Tara had told Dawn about it several days after the party, they'd both laughed about it on several occasions. It had been something of a private joke. No one else knew what Tara was referring to.

Fred poked Spike in the side and pulled his head down to whisper a demand for an explanation into his ear. He quickly filled her in and grinned at the blush that suffused her face. Angel coughed to cover his snicker when he heard the short version of the story. He would have to get details later. He looked at his friend and his Childe as they appeared to nuzzle and whisper in each other's ears. He knew they were not deliberately provoking jealousy in their respective mates. Well, maybe not at first. They seemed to be giving each other moral support more than anything else. They both had fragile hearts and knew neither one would hurt the other, unlike the treatment they'd both gotten from past loves. Angel knew that Fred and Gunn had been seeing each other and also knew that things weren't going quite as smoothly as Gunn would have people believe. Wesley carried a torch for their Fred but seemed to be uncertain how to make his feelings known. Fred needed someone unafraid to show his love. Angel had decided days ago that if Spike went running back to Buffy again so quickly, he might stake his Childe himself. She needed to realize that Spike deserved better treatment. He'd heard her declaration of love for Spike but hadn't heard Spike say anything in response. Angel knew Spike still loved the Slayer but he needed time to heal before putting his heart on the line again.

Fred gazed up at the handsome vampire next to her. He was giving Tara a warning look. She tugged on the hand she still held. When she had his attention again, she winked. His face showed his shock but he quickly recovered.

"Why don't you show me that corner? It's getting a little stuffy in here." She suggested sweetly.

His blue eyes widened as he caught her meaning. He nodded without speaking and turned them around to leave without further acknowledgement of anyone else in the room. Willow and Tara shuffled out of the doorway to let the couple through.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Willow wagged a finger at them as they disappeared though the back door.

"Gee, Red, doesn't cover much." Spike grinned wickedly. Fred giggled and pulled the sexy vampire into the shadows of the porch.

In the living room, Angel had his hands full keeping Gunn from following Spike and Fred outside. Wesley merely contemplated the floor with sad blue eyes. Cordy watched the expressions flit across Buffy's face. Anger and jealousy warred for dominance in her green eyes, which made Cordelia unknowingly echo Angel's vow to stake Spike if he went running back to Buffy right away.