Another Return Of The Jedi to Dagobah

by Dynamic-Villain

From the insane author of previous Star Wars humour rewrites comes an update - in the best George R. (Revision) Lucas tradition. It's time to 'improve' the Dagobah scenes of 'Return of the Jedi' once again, this time with some Episode 3 stuff.

It's time for another 'Return of the Jedi ' revision - in anticipation of Star Wars Episode 3: A Very Big Explosion (also known as Revenge of the Sith, but that's so unoriginal). So from the author of the highly successful ( at least a dozen people liked it) previous humour rewrites, here is

Another Return Of The Jedi... to Dagobah

By George R. (Revision) Lucas &
Darth B. (Basher) Sillyname, the Dynamic Villain

EXT. DAGOBAH, SWAMP OUTSIDE YODA'S HOME - ESTABLISHING

Luke's X-Wing is hovering in 'park-mode' close to Yoda's little home. Artoo waits outside. The little droid is too short to look through the windows, so he uses his rockets to hover up and look inside.

INT. YODA'S HOME

Luke looks on as Yoda walks through the room. As he encounters an obstacle, the tiny Jedi Master concentrates, leaps up, and summersaults over it - only to trip and fall on his face with a 'SMACK'. His lightsaber clatters on the floor.

NOTE: Effects crew - think of something cool when you design the obstacle. Make it orange or something. Maybe something symbolic or whatever.

Luke gets up to help Yoda.

YODA: Worried, you look. So old do I look through young eyes?

LUKE: No, no. Of course not. Just different. You look different everytime I see you.

YODA: Yes, old I have become. Jump so high you cannot, when nine-hundred years you reach. Should have seen me when eight-hundred and seventy-five I was, hi, hi.

Yoda climbs in bed.

YODA (continued): Soon the twilight of the Bendu-Ashla Force Of Others will be upon me. Aligned, my midichlorians are, as was written in the sacred text of the Prophecy of the great Jedi sage Ri'ck-Mc'Call'Um. Deserved it I have, after crappy way my character has been treated throughout the episodes. Prepared I am. Prepared after studying ancient forbidden Sith knowledge.

LUKE: Master, you can't die.

YODA: Turn up again in new version of movie I will. Thanks to evil trick used only by bad guys, be able to cheat death I will, like Obi-Wan before me. Reach enlightment after life of study, meditation, and dedication to all that is good, I will not. Obviously.

LUKE: But what about my training?

YODA: Bwahaha! Training? What about training indeed! Followed speed-course you have. Enough that is for way too old student like you.

LUKE: Then I am a Jedi.

YODA: No. Rescue father's spirit from evil you must, before Jedi you may call yourself.

LUKE: Is Darth Vader my father?

YODA: Rest I must, rest...

LUKE: Yoda, I must know.

YODA: You're father he is. OBVIOUSLY. Have seen prequels you did not? Fortunate you are.

LUKE: What happened to him?

YODA: Too painful to discuss, that is. Best forgotten. Left in bargain bin.

LUKE: What was so terrible about it? Tell me. Tell me now!!!!

YODA: Discuss that on Basher's internet messageboard you should. Luke, do not...underestimate... Darth Sidious. Or suffer your father's fate you will.

LUKE: Darth Sidious? Who's that?

YODA: Palpatine. If only we had sensed that sooner... noticed the signs... used our brains...

LUKE: Palpatine?

YODA: The emperor! Geez. Luke, when gone am I, the last of the Jedi will you be, except for those in Expanded Universe. Pass on what you have learned. There is another... e...e...e..di..tion...

Yoda dies.

WOOSH!

He disappears in a violent cloud of blue smoke that knocks Luke down.

EXT. DAGOBAH, SWAMP OUTSIDE YODA'S HOME - DAY

Luke staggers out of the rubble that was once Yoda's home. He pulls a snake out of his trousers, which makes a Wibbly-Wobbly sound.

LUKE: I don't know what to do, Artoo.

Artoo whimpers.

OBI-WAN (OFF-SCREEN): What about getting your butt back to the rebel fleet? They need you.

LUKE: Ben! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me Darth Vader was my father?

OBI-WAN: Could you please call me Obi-Wan? Ben was once my real name, but when the Jedi took me away from my parents when I was still an infant, they gave me a cooler name.

LUKE: But I've always called you Ben.

OBI-WAN: I was in hiding, using the name 'Ben' to hide my true identity. Nobody would suspect that a hermit called Ben Kenobi, who lived on Tatooine - Anakin Skywalker's former home-planet, not far from the homestead where Anakin's mother once lived, and a young orphan known as Luke Skywalker now lived, would be the same guy as Obi-Wan Kenobi, legendary Jedi Knight and former Master of Anakin Skywalker, now Darth Vader - an evil man bent on vengeance.
So now it is okay to call me by my Jedi name, as my great friend once did.

LUKE: My father?

OBI-WAN: No, some clone trooper I was close with. Too bad I had to kill him. Commander Cody was a cunning warrior, and a good friend.

LUKE: Yeah, but what about my father?

OBI-WAN: Oh yes, him. What is there to say? Anakin Skywalker was a pain in the bum.

LUKE: I thought he was once your apprentice?

OBI-WAN: Oh, I'm sorry. When I said 'pain in the bum' I really meant it was like sticking a potato with razorblades stuck in it into your rectum, and then twisting it around violently while chanting the Special Edition Jedi Rocks song. The kid was so annoying.

LUKE: He must have had qualities, for you to train him.

OBI-WAN: Ugh. I made a promise to Qui-Gon, who had discovered Anakin, and wanted him to be trained. Silly that the Jedi Council agreed to me training the boy, as I was only just promoted to the rank of Knight myself, and very inexperienced. I guess they needed someone to blame, in case things would go wrong. And go wrong it did! I warned them again and again, but they wouldn't listen! What were they thinking? That I could train someone as well as Yoda could?!

LUKE: Qui-Gon?

OBI-WAN: Yes, the Jedi master who trained me.

LUKE: Didn't you once tell me that Yoda trained you?

OBI-WAN: No. Yoda INSTRUCTED me. He never trained me. He simply gave me some instructions. Geez. Anyway, Qui-Gon wanted to ditch me as his pupil, and train your father. Qui-Gon was a good man. A true Jedi. Betting slaves on pod-races, disobeying orders and getting involved in a conflict, bitching at me, stealing the spotlight... what a guy!
When he got killed, because I forgot to use Force-speed, I promised him that I would train that annoying child. My promise has had terribly consequenses throughout the galaxy, no matter how small this galaxy is - and it is frigging small!

LUKE: My father must have been very special.

OBI-WAN: Well, he had a high midichlorian count.

LUKE: Master Ben, I mean Obi-Wan, I've been meaning to ask, Master Yoda spoke of midichlorians. What are those?

OBI-WAN: Oh kid, you're lucky I'm dead, or I would kick your ass. Now where was I? Oh yes, your father could also fly really fast and avoid obstacles, just like some rebel pilots can.

Artoo bleeps.

OBI-WAN (CONTINUED): Yes, Artoo, with your help during the battle of Naboo. I haven't forgotten that. You're a clever little droid. I was wise to program you to go to the homestead and find Luke, and lead him to me.

LUKE: Huh?

OBI-WAN: And of course Anakin was good at fixing things. He built his own protocol droid, C-3PO.

LUKE: Our C-3PO?

OBI-WAN: The same.

LUKE: Wow. It IS a small galaxy.

OBI-WAN: Luke, you must realise that this galaxy is smaller then you previously thought it was.

LUKE: Yoda did speak of another. Edition or something?

OBI-WAN: You must have misunderstood. He must have meant 'another clone war veteran'.

LUKE: Lando! Lando is the clone war veteran!

OBI-WAN: Your insight into abandoned Classic Trilogy concepts serves you well, but no, I meant Chewbacca.

LUKE: Wow! Chewie fought in the clone wars? Was he a Jedi too?

OBI-WAN: Only an honorary Jedi. He fought alongside Yoda, and even saved his life. The galaxy owes much to that Wookiee's bravery. Of course later he pretended to think I was an old fossil, so as not to upset Han Solo. He knew that Solo had to discover for himself that the Jedi are great, and that the Force truly exists. Chewbacca's wisdom is legendary.

LUKE: Wow! That clone war stuff must have been so KEWL. Wookiees fighting stormtroopers and all that stuff! Wow, wow, wow! Still, it's an amazing coïncidence that he met Yoda. It's almost as if everyone and everything are somehow related... I wonder if there's a deeper meaning to all that crap.

OBI-WAN: The Force is what binds the galaxy together, so it's no surprise we're all linked together somehow.

LUKE: That's a bit weak.

OBI-WAN: Whatever.

LUKE: You mentioned Force-Speed. What's that?

OBI-WAN: Something we forgot to teach you. You probably won't need that skill anyway, like blocking Sith-Lightning with a lightsaber. As if someone would use Sith-Lightning for the third time in this saga. What are the odds of something happening again and again in these episodes? Uhm, wait....ah...errr...never mind.

LUKE: My father, how did he turn to evil?

OBI-WAN: He was seduced by a young woman who wore nifty outfits and outragious hairstyles. Thankfully, the stupid biatch is dead. By the way, she was your mother, from a certain point of view.

LUKE: A certain point of view??

OBI-WAN: Well, it involved cloning, midichlorian injections, Jedi Prophecies, hospital planets, unoriginal aliens, plot devices... don't ask.

LUKE: How did she die?

OBI-WAN: Luke, this may come as a shock to you, but she died because she served no further purpose. Despite shipping her off to some hospital planet - I wanted to go to a cowboy planet, but Yoda decided otherwise - and despite all the advanced technology, her injuries could not be treated, and she died. Anakin was luckier. He got cut up good and fell in molten lava, and still survived thanks to cyborg technology and the evil Dark Side Sith spirit that had consumed him!

LUKE: Say what?

OBI-WAN: Darth Sidious promised your father the ability to stop people from dying by controlling his midichlorians; gave him his spare red-bladed lightsaber; and as a favour asked him to slaughter a whole bunch of men, women and children. Once on the path to the Dark Side, the good, well, not completely bad person that was your father was consumed by the dark side of the Force. His eyes lit up orange, and then he turned into a massmurderer - an even worse one than he already was.

LUKE: Hey! You mentioned midichlorians again!

OBI-WAN: Oh damn. Oh, alright. You see, the dark lord had learned a way to communicate in such a way with these microscopic, symbiotic, life-giving, Force-channeling cells, that he could create life, from a certain point of view. That way he was able to extend his own existance. Anakin wanted this power - which was unavailable to the Jedi, because obviously the Dark Side is stronger no matter what Yoda tried to make you believe - to save the life of your mother, in case something bad happened to her. Sidious - who had learned this ability from his master Darth Whateverthehellhisnamewas - promised him this awesome power. Your daddy meant well, but he was a complete douchebag who got screwed by the forces of evil.

LUKE: Oh, come on! Give me a break! You have got to be kidding! You made that up!

OBI-WAN: Search your feelings, Luke. You know it to be true.

LUKE: Somehow that line sounds familiar.

OBI-WAN: Recurring lines are the way of the Force.

LUKE: No more nonsense. I want to know the truth, Obi.

OBI-WAN: The truth?

LUKE: The truth!

OBI-WAN: You can't handle the truth!

LUKE: Just tell me!

OBI-WAN: I did!

LUKE: Oh damn.

OBI-WAN: Do not underestimate the emperor, Luke. He's got many surprises up his huge sleeve, like lightsabers, communications equipment, a clone-army brain-control station, midichlorian injectors, a jetpack...

LUKE: Hang on. Didn't Anakin turn to the dark side, because it was the quick and easy path, and he had no patience? You guys warned me for that.

OBI-WAN: Huh? Uhm...whatever. Wait...where were we? Oh damn, now I've completely lost it. Stop asking so many annoying questions, Luke. This is all so complitated. Let me think... Ah yes, emperor, promises, bad stuff...okay.
Be careful Luke! Don't let this happen to you! Don't believe any promises evil overlords make! And also don't try to kill a lot of people.

LUKE: Too late for that... Poor Death Star contractworkers...

OBI-WAN: Luke, your training has been a joke. Only a fully trained Jedi Master, with decades of training, and if possible centuries of experience, might be able to defeat the evil Sidious - and only then with the help from some capital spaceships and massive orbital bombardments on his command-center, which should have its defense-shield deactivated first by infiltrating his base, which is only possible by using the Jedi Mindtrick on unsuspecting clone-guards, and when you're accompanied by a silly alien who draws away attention, a clever droid sidekick, and a sexy young emancipated royal piece of ass who says witty lines once every thirty seconds. Of course to arrive near the base in the first place you would need a super-fast cloaked hunk-of-junk spaceship, and help from the local primitive man-eating population, and you would need several detailed holographic plans - obtained by dog-like spies from another dimension.

LUKE: I think I read that somewhere in an Expanded Universe novel... Anyway, I'll avoid the emperor then.

OBI-WAN: No, there is another way. If you can somehow convince your father that being evil is wrong, his true self may resurface, and then he may be able to chuck Palpatine down a bottomless pit and bring the Force back into Balance. You must face them and serve as the catalyst of goodness that will set your father's spirit free - and with that Anakin will free the galaxy from tyranny!

LUKE: Jesus Christ!

OBI-WAN: No. Anakin Skywalker. He is the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force.
If you succeed, you will be able to tell because your father will then appear in ghost-form like the handsome young man he was before the Dark Side consumed him. If you fail, we may have to call the Ghostbusters.

LUKE: Speaking of ghosts, where's Yoda?

OBI-WAN: He will always be with you, but it's easier if I explain all this to you. Can you imagine what it would be like if Yoda had to say all this?!

LUKE: So you guys will always be with me. Will you help me fight the forces of evil? Are you truly more powerful than can be imagined?

OBI-WAN: No. Sorry. Only remember this Luke, you must face Vader again! Alone! Without weapons! Poorly trained! Use your goodness! And please, bury your feelings towards your sister. It's a bit sick.

LUKE: My sister???

OBI-WAN: Oh yes, I forgot. Leia is your sister.

LUKE: Wha!? And you were always with me? You saw everything?

OBI-WAN: And I've got the videotapes to prove it. Nightvision and all.

LUKE: Anything else you forgot to mention?

OBI-WAN: Let me think. Hmm... Jar Jar, Shmi, Dooku, Darth Maul, Fett one, Fett two, Geonosians, Gungans, Power Generators, Shields, Transforming droids, Padmé, Bail Organa, Grevious, Nute Gunray, special editions, revisions...uhm no. I think I've told you everything you need to know.
May the Force speak to your midichlorians, and may those relate the required information to you, Luke.

LUKE: Don't worry, we've got Artoo with us.

Artoo bleeps.
Luke and Obi-Wan laugh.

Etc, Etc.