Hello, hello, chums. Here's chapter three for ya, which was harder to write than the other two because I kinda forgot what happens at this part. Hope it satisfies your tastes! Wow, it's five pages. The longest yet! Beware, there will be severe Oliver Wood bashing in this, because I cannot understand how America can be so obsessed with a guy with such a gigantic unibrow and the funniest accent I've ever heard (well except for my dad's). Enjoy!

Oh yeah, the IRS hauled me off cuz I forgot to put a disclaimer the first time. So here it is. Disclaimer: I don't own this stuff. You guys should know that by now. This is so annoying. Here is my disclaimer that counts for every chapter I write: I never have and never will own Harry Potter stuff. There.

Chapter Three: Hogwarts School of Blah Blah and Yadda

Harry woke up the next day with blood and his esophagus pouring out of his mouth. Maybe I should go easy on the insecticide today, he thought barfing.

He went to breakfast with Ron and they sat at their trough with Freddie, Jason, and Hermione, even though they hated each other. Then they went to their classes.

First class was Transfiguration. McGonagall just sat at her desk sucking cigarette after cigarette. The only thing she told them about the subject was the homework assignment: transfigure sheaves of paper into packs of cigarettes and bring them to class for points. The better the brand, the better their grades would be, she told them.

Then came Charms. This class was taught by a midget with a beard. He said he would teach them a special kind of magic called charms, but when Hermione asked him how charms was different from any other sort of magic, he howled in pain and burst into flames. "Why?!" he cried and then all that was left was a pile of ashes which a student nervously swept under the rug. Harry sighed.

"I'm not surprised," Ron said bitterly. "Hermione has a habit of wrecking people's dreams!" Then he began sobbing again. Harry pounded his fists against his desk and screamed, "Is there anything the least bit SANE in here? Is this whole thing a SHAM?!" He stood on his desk and yelled down at them, "You're all complete idiots! All of you pathetic losers! We're supposed to be here to learn magic so we can fight against Voldemort and become heroes, you slobs! You SUCK! YOU JUST ALL SUCK!!"

Now everyone in the classroom was crying and Harry danced on his desk and cackled maniacally. Meanwhile, Dumble—I mean, Nancy, and McGonagall were watching Harry in the surveillance camera. "A renegade," McGonagall said, in what she imagined a cool way, with a cigarette in her mouth. "I think he's onto us, Du—Nancy. Should I have Rabid, er, take him out, if ya know what I mean?"

"Florck!" Dum—I mean, Nancy, said happily, squirting her with a ketchup packet.

McGonagall took that as a yes. She pulled out her wand and magicked a walkie-talkie into the air. "Rabid," she said into it, "We have a...situation...in the Charms classroom."

Unfortunately at this moment Rabid was quite drunk and could not string together a coherent sentence, let alone settle a "situation". "Errrh jadjalks flaggit pornogon," was all he could say in reply. McGonagall sighed and pressed on the PA button. "Harry Potter, would you please escort yourself to my office, blah blah blah."

Harry, who'd been in the middle of a powerful speech to his now cheering audience, yelled out, "Never! You'll never take me alive, dammit!" He pulled an American flag and began waving it around. Ron swooned and threw flowers. "You can take our wands, but you'll never take our freedom! Isn't that right lads?" The 'lads' roared in agreement. Then Harry jumped out the window and onto the grounds, dashing around waving his flag. "Freedom!" he cried. "Freedom for Scotland!"

Then he heard the lunch bell ring and abandoned his flag, running for the dining hall. "Lunch!" he cried giddily. "I'm so hungry!" Ron stuck his head out the window. "Don't do it, Harry! It's a trap!" he cried. "What about Scotland?" He sobbed with his head on his arms. "What about Scotland?" Hermione laid a hand on his shoulder. "He's gone, Ron," she said sadly. "And besides...we're not in Scotland, Ron. At least, not officially..." This only made Ron sob harder.

By that evening, Harry concluded that the only good thing about Hogwarts was that Ron had to wear the required black robes and therefore could not crossdress anymore. The rest of it was pretty disappointing.

The next morning, a bunch of owls flew into the dining hall. "Mail's here!" Ron cried as the owls landed in the troughs and gave people their mail. "I wonder why Betsy won't bring me mail," Harry wondered, prodding a purple-blue Betsy, who immediately fell into the lima bean soup in his trough. Then Harry headed off to Potions class.

Not only did that giant nose-on-legs hate him, Harry discovered, but Snape hated him with A PASSION. Immediately after Harry had walked into class, Snape had leaped down from the doorway and shoved a cauldron on Harry's head. All through class, as Snape, who Harry had realized was a FEMALE nose on legs, drilled her students thoroughly in the use of itching powder, she kept throwing it down Harry's shirt. Harry ran out at the end of Potions class howling and furiously scratching his back as the giant female hooked nose giggled. Now it was time for their flying lessons. Harry met the rest of his classmates out on the grounds, wondering what sort of torture he'd be put through in this class and idly scratching his back.

A witch with a lesbian haircut was standing in front of them. As the class gathered, she said, "Hello, I am your flying intsructor, Madam—er..." her forehead creased in thought. She pulled out a small slip of paper. "....Hooch?! Hooch?! What kind of stupid idiot...er, I mean, I'm Madam Hooch. Now, if everyone would please direct their gaze over to the flying devices..." Everyone directed their gaze over to the flying devices, a pile of motorized carts.

"Where are the broomsticks?" Ron asked in confusion.

"Ah, yes, that," Hooch nervously tugged at her robes. "Well, see, we've been having some, er, financial trouble and couldn't really afford broomsticks..."

"But you could afford motorized carts?" Hermione demanded.

"Oh, we didn't have to buy those. We just robbed a bunch of old people," Hooch shrugged. "Now, everyone climb into your motorized carts and say UP!"

They obeyed and soon were hovering a few feet above the ground in their carts. "On the count of three, take off!" Hooch cried. "One, two—"

Suddenly, Neville made a strange beeping noise. "System overload!" he said monotonously. "Sy...stem...over....lo..o...o..o...a...a...a..d..d..d... Neville began blinking and flashing, and his head whirled around the whole way repeatedly. After the class had been watching this for a few moments, he and the cart blasted off into the sky.

"Hurry, go after him!" Hermione cried shrilly. Windows broke.

"I can't!" Hooch cried out desperately. "I don't know how to fly!"

"But you're a flying teacher! How can you not know how to fly?!" Hermione shrilled. More windows broke.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!" Hooch cried, clawing at her face. Then she burst into flame. One of the students stared at the little pile of ashes with distress in their face. "Yes," Ron said knowingly, laying a hand on the kid's shoulder. "It is rather upsetting when one of your teachers bursts into flame."

"It's not that," the student said sadly. "It's just that when Flitwick burst into flame, we swept his ashes under the rug. But now..." he turned his face up in horror "...now where do we sweep the ashes?"

Harry was busy pondering this and watching Neville zooming around in the air and occasionally scratching his back while Hermione ran to get Professor McGonagall (for all the good that would do) until he suddenly heard Malfoy cackling behind him. Harry turned and saw Malfoy and his cronies giggle while Malfoy punched the buttons of a control pad. He hit a button. Neville turned blue. He jiggled a control stick. Neville spun wildly on his cart. Harry's thick head finally put two and two together. "Give that here, Malfoy!" Harry snarled as he tackled Malfoy's legs.

"Argh!" Malfoy cried. The control pad flew out of his hands and landed pressing down on the control stick. Neville spun wildly in the sky over and over again. Harry dove for the control pad and Neville stopped spinning. Harry tried to bring Neville down using the control stick. After Neville had crashed into several walls, Harry finally managed to bring him down in a stunning dive into a pool. Neville, for some reason, emitted sparks and exploded. "Damn," Harry muttered, shoving the control pad behind his back as McGonagall arrived. "You killed a fellow student!" she roared. "Twenty points from Gryffindor!" Hermione sank to the ground and screamed "Nooooooooooo!" Harry was surprised she did not burst into flame. People here had a knack for that.

Then he exploded, but only metaphorically so, not like poor Neville. "You're idiots! You're all COMPLETE IDIOTS!" he roared. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MORONS HAVEN'T DIED FROM YOUR LACK OF INTELLIGENCE YET! WHAT KIND OF SHAM IS THIS SCHOOL?! THESE TEACHERS DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE TEACHING! YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF BUMS!"

McGonagall stepped back. "A dangerous one...we've gotta be careful around him...Er, Harry, I have, er, never seen anyone handle a motorized cart so, er, smoothly." (Weee-ooo, weee-ooooo, everyone's bullshit detectors went off). "Come with me." She led him to the Charms classroom as Rabid darted into the scene and switched the charred and frazzled Neville robot with a new Neville robot.

The Charms classroom was hectic and chaotic as kids cursed each other—it seemed no sub for Flitwick had been found.

"Wood," McGonagall called, "I've found you a new Finder!"

A boy who had been setting fire to the desks bounced out of the room. "A new Finder!" he said in delight. Harry couldn't help but crack up over Wood's ridiculous accent and his GIGANTIC unibrow. Wood did not notice.

"Potter," the professor introduced him, "this is Oliver Wood, the Holder on the Gryffindor Squidditch team. Wood, this is Harry Potter. Now go explain the rules of, eh, that, uhh, game thingy to him." When the two had left, she magicked her walkie-talkie again. "Affirmative, Rabid. I've put the rebel in a life threatening position. Supposedly, Finder is a dangerous job. Tomorrow we can magic a few Whompers to break the kid's neck." Her eyes flicked around suspiciously. She allowed herself an evil cackle. "AHAHAHAHA! AAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A student stuck his head through the doorway. "Professor, that evil cackle implies that you are conspiring and plotting."

"Me? Of-of course not." She jumped through the window and the kid continued going through Flitwick's secret Witches Gone Wild mags.

Down on the grounds, Wood was explaining the rather boring rules of Squidditch. "There are seven players on each team, Harry. There are the three Pursuers, two Whackers, one Holder—that's me, and one Finder, which will be your job. And there are three different balls, Bonkers, the Puffer, and the Golden Squid! The Pursuers throw around the Puffer and try to throw it through a hoop to get points, the Whackers hit the Bonkers with little bats to drive them away from their teammates because the Bonkers fly around and try to knock you off your broom, the Holder guards the hoops, and the Finder has to catch the Golden Squid! Got all that, Potter?"

Harry nodded his head, even though he hadn't really been listening. He'd been distracted by the way Wood's HUMONGOUS UNIBROW had been waving around and knocking out innocent passerby. "Why's this game so bloody complicated?" Harry asked, but Wood ignored him.

"Now, Harry, the Squid is the most important ball in the whole game. In fact, the rest of the team is practically useless and the game could therefore be made much simpler by just watching two Finders try to catch the squid first. Which of course is why we give this most prestigious position to an inexperienced first year who's never even been on a broom—or a hovering motorized cart. But..." Suddenly the sky became dark and thunder and lightening made an appearance as Wood loomed over Harry and said in an ominous voice... "IT'S THE MOST DANGEROUS POSITION IN THE WHOLE GAME!" Wood emphasized. Lightening flashed and he cackled like a madman.

"Oh. Er, can I go now? It's lunchtime and I'm a bit hungry." The storm disappeared and Wood shrank down to his normal size again.

"Sure, Harry But bewaaaaaare!" Then Wood left.

"What the hell is wrong with everyone in here?" Harry wondered. Then he shrugged it off and went to lunch. However, at lunch, he was greeted with even more bad news.

It all started while he and Ron were discussing Harry's new job over porcupine pudding or some other disgusting thing they eat over in England/Scotland/Wherever. "You must be the youngest Finder in five thousand million years!" Ron squealed.

Harry shrugged. He couldn't see what was so great about the game. All he did was float around and catch a Squid.

Ron wrung his hands. "Oh, but it's so DANGEROUS!" he squealed. Just then Hermione came in. "Hello, all!" she cried, but in her enthusiasm she tripped and knocked over the entire trough, which landed on Harry. "Oof!" he gasped.

"Oh, Harry, let me help you," she said, and tried to pull him out from under the trough. She meant to use her foot to push off from the ground, but accidentally put her foot on Harry's face instead of the floor. Harry groaned in pain as he felt his jaw pop as Hermione pulled his arm out of his socket. "Glksdoakmsksdjflllllllllllrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggg" he protested.

"Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry!" she wailed and let go. Sobbing, she ran out of the room, tripping on her feet and poking out several people's eyes.

Ron helped Harry to his feet. "Are you all right?" he asked.

Harry tried to answer, but his jaw had been stretched to one side during that moment and now it hung limply like that. "Gurgh gur gurrrrgi!" he cried in alarm.

"What?!"

"GURG! GURGGGGG!"

"Uh, Harry?"

"Gurg?"

"Maybe you should go to the infirmiry."

"Gurg? Gurg!" Harry's eyes widened in fear. The only time he'd been to the hospital was when Vernon had tried to get him neutered unsuccessfully. Even now his crotch quivered in fear.

Harry ended up going to then infirmary. He'd hoped that at least the nurse would know her job, but when he came in, Madam Pomfrey said, "What's wrong with you?"

"Gurg."

"Gurg? What's that?" Then she noticed his jaw. Before he'd come, Hermione had tried to "fix" his jaw. Now it was so limp that it trailed along the floor. Pomfrey said, "OHHHHHH, Gurg! Why didn't you say so? Now, this might hurt..." She took out a pair of pliers and began to... "fix" his jaw. Ron could hear Harry's screams of "GURRRRRGGGGGG!" standing behind the door.

Inside, after Harry's jaw had been put back in place, he rubbed his jaw and said tentatively, "Guh-guh-gurgh...er....flerbet.....flark ooo.....fank you....thank you....gurg..."

After he twisted his mouth around a little, he could finally speak normally with the exception of a few gurgs. "Why couldn't you....gurggg...just....gurgggg....fix me with magic...gurggg?"

"I, er, I prefer muggle methods."

"Muggle?"

"Non-magic people. Yes, happy happy methods." She quailed under Harry's dubious look. "Whaaaat? I'm a sadist, OK?" Harry still thought there was something very fishy going on in this school. At least Hermione wasn't here to ask questions, or Pomfrey would be reduced to a pile of ash.

He walked out of the infirmary still rubbing his aching jaw. This is great, he thought. I thought out of all my friends Hermione was at least a teeny weeny bit normal, but now I can see how wrong I was. He pounded his fists against the wall in frustration. He must have been very angry because he punched right through the wall. "Hehehe," Harry said sheepishly and scampered off.

Later that night, he whined about his problems to Ron. "Well," Ron said, curling his eyelashes, "You'd just better get some rest tonight, Harry. Tomorrow's the first Squidditch match. I've never seen it done in motorized carts, though. Seems rather dangerous."

Harry shrugged. How dangerous could it be?

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Well, that's it for chappie three. I wasn't really sure what to write because this is the only timeline I remember in Harry Potter 1: Harry goes to Hogwarts, Harry defeats Voldemort, Harry goes home. The end.

Anyway, thank you to all my kind wonderful sweet friends who reviewed (jenny, abby, julia, joyce), and those who did not can go to hell.

Thanx also to Lost-Magic, who not only randomly reviewed, but is the only random reviewer who actually came back and read the second chapter and reviewed again. Thanx much!

Don't forget to review! The lack of reviews is discouraging. It doesn't take long, people. After all, they can take our lives, but they cannot take our reviews! Mwahahahahaha!