Mwahahahaha...after much pressure from my friend Katya AKA Kiesha, I have finally put her in the story.
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THIS STUFF. LEAVE ME ALOOOONE, IRS!
Chapter Four: How Dangerous It Could Be
Harry's motorized cart spun wildly in the air. His glasses had fallen off a few minutes before and had landed on some unfortunate teammate who was now wiping blood off his face.
Finally Harry got control of the cart and managed to keep it from moving. Hovering in the air, Harry looked around for that goddamn Squid. Maybe then we can all get back to our cots, he thought fiercely. But then he got distracted by his nails. They are so dirty, he thought. Ron must be rubbing off on me. So he sat up there filing his nails.
Wood yelled to him, but his accent was so atrocious Harry had no idea what in Hell he was saying. Then Freddie and Jason, who were the Whackers on the team, pelted him on the back with a Whomper. "Argh!" Harry yelled, dropping his nail file. "Harry, don't just sit there, find the Squid!" Jason yelled as the twins zoomed away.
Harry's schizophrenia kicked in. "ROARRRR!" he cried out. "My nail fiiiiile!" He angrily rammed his fists into the steering wheel of his flying cart. A laser shot out of the front. The beam broke a hole in the crumbling wall of the stadium. Harry blinked and then giggled, pleased with this new discovery. He shot another laser beam. It hit a metal goal hoop and ricocheted back at Harry. "Erp, he said, and ducked. The laser went behind him and hit Neville as he was sitting in the stands watching the game. Neville cried, "Enemy fire! Retaliate!" Neville stood up and shot fire out of his hands until he was satisfied and sat down again. The girls sitting in front of him burst into tears as the ashes that used to be their hair fell to their feet.
Harry decided to have some more fun with his lasers. "Outta my way, losers!" he cried, blasting several holes in the stands.
McGonagall surveyed him in her binoculars, talking and smoking at the same time. "He's a bad apple, Nancy. He's already killed five opposing students!"
"Pibbles!" Nancy grunted. He was in a bad mood because he fell in the trough at breakfast and the owls were still pecking at him. McGonagall rolled her eyes. He's supposed to be a genius, she thought. What kind of genius can't even string together a sentence?
Harry, who had by now killed or maimed every single opponent and injured several teammates, now looked around for the Golden Squid. "Where are you, my pretty?" he called in between cunning cackles.
McGonagall yelled to him through a cow that she had transfigured into a bullhorn, "POTTER, SURRENDER YOUR LASERS AND HOVER DOWN WITH YOUR HANDS DOWN. NO ONE HAS TO GET HURT." She paused and looked around at the blasted students moaning on the ground. "ER, THAT IS, NO ONE ELSE HAS TO GET HURT."
"Never!" Harry cried. "We must win the match no matter what! Now where's that bloody Squid? Aha!" He finally saw the Golden Squid zooming around at the other end of the pitch. Before it flew away, he hurriedly pointed his lasers at it and took aim. KABLOOOSH! The tattered remains of the Golden Squid fluttered to the ground. Harry raised his arms above his head in victory. "We won!"
"Harry, you bloody idiot, you exploded the Squid!" Freddie cried, unsheathing his claws.
"Er...so?"
"So...does that mean we won?"
The referee, some witch they pulled off the street because Madam Hooch had burst into flame the previous day, began to shake her head and said, "No, no, the rules in the book say the Squid must be capture by the Seeker, not put out of—"
Harry stroked his lasers threateningly and she stopped in midsentence... "which is why I must declare Gryffindor THE WINNER!" she cried nervously. Harry whooped and his teammates, at last the ones who were not lying on the ground, cheered with him. He steered his motorized cart down to the ground and Freddie and Jason lifted him up on their shoulders and carried him around like that pointlessly.
That night in the common room, everyone was cheerful, as cheerful as you could be while using dead house-elves as chairs. "Gryffindor has won a match for the first time in five thousand years!" Wood cried as his huge unibrow knocked out Prissy and Seamus. "For some reason, we've only started winning since you got here, Harry!"
"Don't you think the reason you won is actually the fact that motorized carts have laser beams but broomsticks don't?" Hermione asked, but was silenced by Harry, who'd dragged his motorized cart into the common room in case anyone else disagreed with him.
Harry went to bed contented. He was in quite a happy mood. Squidditch had turned out to be the easiest game in history, and also his cot was feeling much softer than last night. So he slept easy and was merry until McGonagall broke the sad news the next morning.
"By good fortune, we have found stacks of flying carpets in the janitor's closet. Therefore, motorized carts will not be used for Squidditch anymore."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry cried. He took his fork and threw it at McGonagall. She sighed and removed it from her nose. "An attempt on a professor's life, that'll be ten points from Gryffindor, et cetera et cetera...now where was I? Oh, yes. Please welcome our new exchange student, Keisha."
A girl eating a large slice of pineapple pizza hopped out of a corner. Suddenly a DJ table thingy appeared in front of her. "Let's raise the roof raggae style, yo!" and put on Sean Paul. Everyone stared confused. They were all rather flustered by this American with her strange music and pizza. Soon she was shaking around in a perplexing way. Hermione screamed, "Oh someone help her! She's having a seizure!" But when McGonagall ran to help the girl, she slapped her back-handed. "Don't touch me, foo'! There's more pimp-slaps where that came from, bama!" McGonagall fainted in shock.
Kiesha resumed dancing to raggae and soon Nancy joined her. Everyone, including the other teachers, threw up in their troughs. "Yo homeys I think I like this shit! Jibbo!" Nancy cried.
After breakfast, Harry and the rest went to their classes. Today Harry had Herbology first, a class where they raised weeds and led them in a revolt against the flowers. Madam Sprout just sat in the back clipping her foot-long toenails. Suddenly, they noticed some movement in the greenhouse window. A fleshy blur ran by. "Hello!" Keisha cried as she ran past stark nude. Hermione looked red. "How shameless!" she shrilled, and the glass that covered the entire greenhouse shattered.
"Oh, Hermione, you're such a prude," said Seamus, who was obviously enjoying the show. Then everyone had to turn away and try to claw out their burning eyes as Kiesha's streaking partner ran by. It was Nancy.
"America rules, wangstas!" he cried. "Lobbobo!"
That evening the common room was blasting with rap music. Everyone looked expectantly at Dean Thomas. He rolled his eyes, exasperated, and cried, "Why does everyone assume that just because I am like the only black kid in Hogwarts I would know about rap music?" When everyone just kept on staring at him, he threw his book at Kiesha. She stopped in mid-booty bounce. "Oh I KNOW you did NOT just throw that at me, BAMA!"
Dean snapped, "Well, I believe I just did, uh, er...what's that thing you say? Boma?"
Kiesha breakdanced on the floor and said, "You got SERVED!" Dean, not being able to handle her Americanism, burst into tears and ran to tell McGonagall. The next day, Kiesha was expelled. Nancy sobbed all through breakfast, but then seemed to forget about it when the computers arrived at Hogwarts.
Most of the students went to the library that day to learn all about these strange computers. Harry sat next to Malfoy. Since none of their friends were around, they decided to be civil.
"Hullo, Malfoy, what are you doing?" Harry asked pleasantly.
"Just, er, swimming the fishnet." Malfoy tried to remember computer slang. Then he laughed uproariously.
"What's so funny?"
"Oh, I'm reading this stuff on fanfiction-dot-net. Hahahahaha, this one says I have a traumatic childhood and that is the reason why I am such a jerk. What absolute tosh!"
Harry was intersted, so he too went on "Urgh, this one has me and Hermione fall in love! Hohoho, how silly! These authors sure have a big imagination."
"Seriously. This one is all about Oliver Wood and how the author takes off his...ergh, I'd better read another one."
"Gross, this one says Ron's gay and you and him go out."
Malfoy looked astonished. "Ron's not gay?" he asked in awe. But then he was cut off when Harry screamed "ARRRRGH!" He took a giant mallet from behind his back and smashed every single computer. When he was done and wiping sweat from his forehead, Malfoy tentatively asked, "What was that all about?"
Harry replied, "That one said I am a schizo! Damn you, Fanfictionfantom! Damn you!"
And that was the end of computers at Hogwarts. And American exchange students. And, much to Harry's dismay, flying motorized carts.
The next day at breakfast, Ron was reading the Daily Privy, the wizarding newspaper. "Oh my god!" Ron squealed. "Harry! Harry, look at this!" He held out the paper to Harry and Harry read the featured article very slowly. Then he gasped. "I don't believe it!"
Ron said, "I know! A half-off sale at Claire's! I like can't wait!"
"NO!" Harry roared. He grabbed Ron's shirt front and pulled him back in front of the article. "Look! Gringotts was robbed. And it was the vault me and Rabid had visited. What does this mean? I mean, when we walked in, there was nothing there except one little package and the couldn't have stolen that because I—oh."
"What? Why couldn't they have stolen it?"
"Er, because, er, I...took it..."
"What? Harry, don't you see what this mean?"
"...No."
"You're the thief!"
"Oh. Crap. Well, don't tell. Why didn't they notice until now?"
"Well, you did say it was tiny. What was in there anyway?"
"Ah," Harry rolled his eyes. "Just some rock thingy. Nothing important that some crazy maniac would try to break into the school and try to maim me for, har de har har har. "
And after that, Harry kind of forgot all about the rock once again. Especially since Betsy had once again fallen into his trough and he had to pick rotting feathers out of his lima bean soup.
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Haha sorry if I was kinda random, like I said, I don't remember much of what happens in what order. Am I missing something?
Thanx to all my reviewers: my friends Jenny, Abby, Julia, Katya, Joyce, and all my others who reviewed the last monstrosity, I mean, chapter: Sophiethedevil, Brick retarded weatherman (Hehehe not sure what scrumtrulescent means, but I hope it's a good thing),Basketball-Football-Chick, Cat, Random-Reviewer (I loved your comment, it makes me feel good to have the power to make people far far away choke on their carrots mwahahaha), thelastsilmaril, broken.wings, and kathryn.
You guys have no idea how good it makes me feel to read about how my story makes you fall out of your chairs laughing and such. Just know that it makes me feel very very very very very good and I can't stop grinning. And therefore if you don't review, you are a cold heartless person and deserve to get locked in a dungeon and tortured by tickling. Meanies. Now review, it's my motivation to continue this monstrosity, I mean, parody.