Hullo, all! Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I'd list you guys but I'm too half-assed to go to my inbox and reread all the reviews. Plus I wanna post this ASAP and I bet you guys want me to as well, so without further ado, enjoy:

Chapter Eight: Fluffy the Gigantic Pink—Poodle?!

The next morning, Harry was no longer even the teensiest bit popular. People glared and threw eggs, assorted vegetables, and knives at him when he walked out of the dormitory. As he made his way through the Great Hall, the ceiling rained every single grenade onto him. And when he sat down at his trough in the mess hall, pulling knives out of his head and grenades out of his boxers, everyone got up and moved somewhere else. So Harry sat alone for quite some time until Hermione joined him miserably. "Oh, Harry, everyone hates us!" she cried, teeth wobbling even more crazily today on account of her being so upset. "Parvati and Lavender put a beaver in my pillow case last night!"

Harry almost chortled, then thought better of it. No need for Hermione to bring up the knives and grenades incident. "Well, should we visit Ron in the infirmary then?" he asked instead, wanting to be away from the masses.

Hermione shrugged. "Fine. Lemme just finish eating my beaver first." She pulled half a beaver carcass out of her bag and gobbled it up. Harry looked away, it was just too much like cannibalism. After she finished, they skipped gaily to the infirmary, dodging hot bricks and laser beams as they went. But before they got there, a very drunk Rabid stumbled upon them.

"Harry! Hermioneinninny!" he slurred, taking a swing of his giant-sized whiskey bottle. "Grarrrrr...so Harriet, Herbert, Horace, alls ya gotta do with Fluffy is grrrrrr give 'im a nice smoke from the bong and he'll go all stoned-like! Hic! Hic!" he hiccuped.

"Rabid!" Hermione gasped. "You just gave away an important piece of the plot that we were supposed to weasel out of you, not just stumble upon! How could you?"

"Flrrrrrr...damn author, too busy to—hic—put in a good plot...too busy with goddamn high school, she says. Hic!" Just then those random readers from a few chapters ago ran up to Rabid, slapped him thoroughly and cried, "Idiot! Never, ever mention the author in dialogue, and never give away information so easily!" Rabid, who was rather hungry and had had enough of these annoying people, scooped them up and shoved them in his mouth, following up the meal with another chug of whiskey.

"We'll be ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-ack!" the random people cried as they traveled down Rabid's esophagus into his stomach.

Just then a light-bulb lit up above Harry's head. "Eureka!" he cried.

"I do NOT reek!" Hermione sniffed.

"Hermione, for a genius you're not very smart. Anyway, what I meant was I have an idea!"

"What?"

"I said, I have an idea. WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?!" he yelled in rage, brandishing his fists.

"No, I meant what's the idea?"

"Oh. Well, now that we know how to get rid of Fluffy, let's go see what he's guarding! Maybe we'll find treasure! Or robots! And then we'll be popular again!"

Hermione, who never was actually popular, thought for a moment. Then she shrugged. "Might as well, one of these times we're actually gonna die from the numerous knives thrown at us, so why not endanger ourselves further?"

"Hmmmm..." Rabid rubbed his chin sloth-like, and set down the now empty whiskey bottle on the table. "Summat tells me I should intervene with this like a responsible adult..."

"Better yet, tell us what to stone Fluffy with," Harry said craftily.

Rabid shook his head. "No, I shouldn't..." Harry pulled a fresh bottle of booze from behind his back. Rabid brightened. "Then again..."

Ten minutes later, Harry and Hermione were sitting at the foot of Ron's bed in the hospital wing. "So that thing Harry stole from the vault is actually a stone full of sleeping powder? And you're supposed to stone Fluffy with it to get down to the hidden chamber?" Ron asked eagerly.

Harry grinned smugly and said, "Yup." Rabid had decided, once Harry had handed over the bottle, that since the stone had been stolen, it was safe to tell Harry what to do with it. Of course, he had no idea Harry had stolen the stone himself, and Harry was not about to tell him.

"So when're you getting out, Ron?" Harry asked.

"Soon. Pomfrey says I'm all healed but I should stay for rest."

"What?" Hermione cried. "Why?"

"Oh, well, I think it's because she's lonely. She makes me play Santa Clause all the time when this place is empty."

"What a sweet lady," Harry said happily to the molested boy on the bed in front of him.

Just then, Freddie, Jason, and Oliver Wood rushed into the infirmary. "Harry!" Wood cried, as his giant unibrow knocked out Madame Pomfrey, who'd come in to see what the commotion was about. "Harry, you've got to hurry! We've been waiting for you at the Squidditch field forever! Today's the match!"

Harry then rushed off and of course, the good guys naturally won the game because it can't be right if the good guys lose. When he was walking back from the match, all sweaty and stinky, he heard McGonagall's voice talking into her walkie-talkie. He hurried into the shadows to innocently eavesdrop.

"What? Well, do you think Rabid told anyone? Of course it's safe. No, I don't know who has it, but neither does anyone else, so I think it's safe. We can't let ANYONE find out this ENORMOUS SCANDALOUS VERY SECRET SECRET that we keep deep underneath FLUFFY THE THREE HEADED DOG! NO ONE, DAMMIT!" she screamed into the receiver. Harry watched her walk by, eyes narrowed and shifty, rubbing her hands together while her nostrils flared so much that she sucked up loose mud and grass clods from the ground.

In the common room, Harry told Hermione and Ron, who'd finally returned from the hospital wing after being fed up with playing Santa Clause so much, what he'd heard McGonagall practically scream into her machine. Hermione had gone, "Oooooooh, Harry, she must be hiding something!"

"No shit. Anyway, we'll find out what it is once we get past Fluffy tonight. But first we need a pipe."

"Here," Ron pushed a pipe into Harry's hand that he'd just taken out of his bag. He reddened when Harry and Hermione looked at him in shock. "What? What? I-it's for g-gardening, hehehehe..."

Harry shrugged. "Whatever. It'll work." He stashed the pipe in his pocket and got his Simon cloak out from his bag. "Now, who's up for some insecticide?" Hermione pulled out a box of Reese's Puffs

And said, "Don't forget the our Puffs! After all, the Reese's Puff's taste is what it is."

Harry and Ron consumed the entire box and followed it up with some good ole insecticide. After a good retch session, they ran to their dormitories to rub their hands together in evil glee. Then at dinner, they all sat together, rubbing and smirking.

I hope we find an evil creature and smite it verily! Harry thought.

I hope we find gold so I can finally afford Chanel! Ron wished.

I hope we find a hair straightener! Hermione said to herself, positively glowing.

I hope that cream will help the rash on my balls go away! Prissy hoped. Everyone looked at him, amazed and disgusted. "Hey!" he cried. "That's not fair! You're not supposed to hear what I'm thinking!" Everyone turned away again, but they kept glancing at him funny till he left, scratching his crotch. Then, the clock struck eight o'clock. Harry, Hermione, and Ron glanced at one another and nodded. It was time. They got up from their trough and made their way, as 300 pound Simon, to the corridor leading to Fluffy.

"Oh, wait, guys, I need a potty break," Harry said conveniently. Hermione and Ron waited while he went to the bathroom.

On the edge of the sink in the bathroom sat the author.

Harry squacked and blushed. "Y-y-y-you're a girl!" he said. "You can't be in here!"

The author sighed. "I can be anywhere I want, Harry. Now shut up. I've come bearing important information."

"And what would that be?"

"This." Harry caught the pipe she'd thrown him. It was the one he'd gotten for Christmas from Rabid! "What's this for?" he asked.

"Harry, do you know how hard it is to form a plot? I put that pipe into the story as foreshadowing of the bong-iness to come1 And then you go and use Ron's pipe and just totally ruin everything!"

"OK, OK," Harry said nervously. "I'll use Rabid's pipe." The author nodded, said, "Good," and disappeared in a puff of smoke and cheese curls.

Harry took a leak, returned to his friends, and explained everything to them so I won't have to write it all down again. They took off the Simon cloak and stood outside the door. "Well, Harry, this is it," Ron said fiercely, tears in his eyes.

"Yes, Ron, and I want you to know...in case I die..."

"Y-yes?"

Harry turned away from him, and somewhere emotional violin music started up. "I-I...I was the one who spilled that tea all over your favorite pink blouse..."

"Oh, Harry," Ron said, embracing him. "It doesn't matter anymore. We're in this together."

"Would you just shut up?" Harry and Ron looked around to see Hermione tackling Malfoy, who'd been the one playing the sappy violin music. He got up from her grip and ran away, giggly yet suave.

"Uh-oh, we'd better get going before Malfoy comes back with McGonagall," Ron said.

Hurriedly, they rushed into the room Harry had stumbled upon on his search for the bathroom, which just happened to contain a gigantic pink poodle the size of a house.

"That's Fluffy?!" Hermione shrilled. Ron clapped his hand over her mouth, but it was too late. Aroused by her whiny indignation, Fluffy awoke and started yapping just as shrilly. Harry covered his ears.

"Oh, God, the noise! It's like Hermione times ten!" he groaned.

"Hey!" Hermione cried sharply.

"Stop, stop, you're making it worse!" Ron screamed, kneeling on the ground. But Hermione, who seemed unaffected by the poodle's shrillness, lit up the bong and grabbed Harry's stone. She cracked it open and let some of the reddish-black powder pour into the pipe, and then she stuck the whole thing into Fluffy's mouth. After Fluffy was asleep, Harry and Ron got up from the floor and glanced sheepishly at Hermione. "Well done there, mate," Ron said timidly, using authentic English slang. Harry nodded brightly and they looked around the room for some sort of hint as to what to do next.

There was nothing. It was a completely useless, empty room.

"Oh my god!" Harry screamed, veins twitching and threatening to burst out of his forehead. "Don't you tell me that we risked being eaten by a gigantic pink poodle all for nothing!"

"What'd he say?" Ron whispered to Hermione, both of whom were cowering away from Harry's rage.

"I think he said to tell him that we risked being eaten by a gigantic pink poodle all for nothing," Hermione said thoughtfully.

Ron shrugged. "Better give him what he wants." To Harry, he said timidly, "Harry, we risked being eaten by a gigantic pink poodle all for nothing."

Harry let out a roar of anger. "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" he screamed. "WHYYYYY MEEEEE?" To vent this latest bout of frustration and self-pity, Harry took a running start and head-butted the wall behind Fluffy.

Suddenly there was a little grind sound and a small doorknob popped out of the wall. Harry sat on the ground, dazed from hitting his head against the wall, and stared in confusion at the new doorknob.

"You did it!" Hermione gushed. Harry perked up, eager to be recognized as the genius and hero he surely was.

But Hermione was looking at Ron. "Ron, you did it! Thanks to you, Harry headbutted the wall and we discovered the secret of the room!" Harry sputtered and gaped stupidly, steam coming out of his ears.

"Oh, Hermione, it wasn't all me—" Ron began.

"Damn straight it wasn't," Harry said, finally finding his voice.

"—if you hadn't told me what to say to Harry, we'd never have found this out!" Ron finished.

Hermione grinned. "I suppose so. So we're all heroes here...well, except for you, Harry."

By now Harry was on his way to becoming purple. "But—I—you didn't—I'm the one who—you guys—ARRRRRRRRRGH!"

This last argh was just too much for even the stoned poodle. It awoke with a shrill yelp. Harry and Ron screamed and Ron grabbed the doorknob, turned it, and opened the door in the wall. "Go, go, go!" he ushered Harry and Hermione in amidst Fluffy's excruciating barks and finally skeddadled in himself and shut the door.

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I know, I know. It's not very long and probably not very funny either. But, hey, high school is hard. I'm sposed to be making a parachute right now. But instead I make a self-sacrifice to finish this chapter. I haven't updated for, what, a month? So thanks in advance to all you patient readers who come back and review. Ta ta! Next chapter, Harry and the gang will get into that place thingy at the end of the book.

Fluffy: Yip

(Translation? Review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)