Happy Enough by SLynn
Disclaimer: Any character you recognize, not mine.
Chapter 9: Outlooks
Gil Grissom sat across from Greg and tried to act like nothing was wrong. Sara had told him, cried even, but it still didn't seem real. It probably wouldn't seem real until he heard it from Greg himself or saw him in the hospital sick and dying. Right now, looking at him laughing and joking and generally having a good time during breakfast, it didn't seem possible.
Gil had been putting it together during the week. He'd been on to him. He'd thought Greg might have something contagious, something keeping him out of work, or something he feared would keep him out of work. He'd thought it was something like meningitis or even hepatitis at the worse. Gil hadn't thought it was cancer. He hadn't thought it would be lethal.
Looking around the table he suspected that everyone here knew except for Catherine. While they were all laughing and trading stories, Catherine's eyes were the only ones that really reflected it. The happiness was in her eyes, but in no one else's.
Greg downed his fourth cup of coffee. It was crap, but all he had. He felt exhausted. His plan had been to go home, shower, catch up on school work, pack some stuff and then sleep until shift started tonight, but now he just felt like sleeping. Maybe till tomorrow. Maybe until he got that call. It was Sunday morning and tomorrow he'd know.
Greg turned his attention to Catherine, who was telling her story about Lindsey's second grade Christmas pageant. He listened, even though he'd heard it before, laughing in all the right places, but thinking about something else entirely.
Greg couldn't help it. It's just like those damn photos only worse, because this time instead of turning over in his head his own mortality he'd turned over the life he wasn't going to have. The children and wife he'd never know.
Chemo is poison really. It kills and cures you all at once. No one worried about how much they'd given him as a child, it was the only option, but it was killing other parts of him. As he got older and the cancer had gone into remission, Greg had been told some hard truths. Things like in all likelihood he could not father a child.
It was easier to take when he was younger and he hadn't known anyone with children besides his parents. It's funny how sometimes you don't think of your own parents in those kinds of terms, as people with lives of their own. How he'd never considered how never being grandparents weighed on them. But as he got older he realized what a loss it was. After he'd seen that kind of parental pride, that kind of love in people he knew and respected like Catherine or Al, it began to hurt. It also began to keep him out of relationships.
Most women broke up with him usually after about three to four months, sometimes longer. Most didn't last past six. They didn't think he was serious about the future because he'd never talk about it. Greg had only discussed marriage and family with one girlfriend and that had been in college. Erika and he had been inseparable. They'd dated for nearly three years, the longest he'd ever been with anyone. He had wanted to marry her and she might have felt the same until he told her. Erika was the first person he'd ever told about the leukemia and about the side effects. Then it had been easier, it had been a thing of the past. Just some foot note in his life, or so he thought.
Erika grew distant. After a few weeks of short conversations and growing disenchantment, she called the whole thing off. She told him that they just wanted different things and he'd never been angrier. Greg had wanted to scream at her that it was a lie. That they wanted the same things; it was just something he couldn't give her. He'd wanted to call her out on it, but hadn't. He just let her go. Three months later he graduated and applied for this job in Las Vegas never looking back.
His parents hadn't wanted him to go. They wanted him close to them, like he'd always been, but he had to do it. Greg couldn't stay there any more. He wanted a clean start with a new town and the possibility that he'd never have to talk about his medical history again.
Pushing back his chair abruptly, nearly toppling it over, Greg got to his feet. Five sets of eyes looked up at him startled.
"Sorry," he tried, "I've got to, um, this thing, I forgot…"
He was a horrible liar, but he couldn't listen anymore. Not to Catherine, not to himself. Greg dropped some money on the table and took off for the exit.
Greg had spent the rest of the day alternating between trying to sleep and wondering if he should call in sick again that night. Ultimately deciding that stay home would be a mistake, he left for work around two in the afternoon hoping to catch a break and for once and be the first in.
He'd sat in Grissom's office for nearly an hour but wouldn't leave. He was going to do it this time. He had too. Tomorrow he'd know. Tomorrow, if it was all true, he'd have to tell him anyways. They'd probably want him at the hospital and if he was going on medical leave there would most certainly be paperwork involved.
'Besides,' he reasoned with himself, 'now is better. Now I don't know and now it's not a death sentence.'
It was nearly three-thirty when Grissom arrived. He just walked in, saw Greg sitting in the chair and shut the door behind him. He didn't even speak, just sat down across for him and waited.
"You know don't you?" Greg asked.
"I would have preferred hearing it from you."
"It's not easy to talk about."
"I can respect that," Grissom replied, thinking about his own medical problems.
The two men sat in a rather uncomfortable silence.
"Was it this morning? After I left, is that when they told you?"
"Sara told me after you came back from the scene."
Greg nodded; he should have figured that one out sooner.
"So, Catherine doesn't know?"
"No," Grissom said shaking his head, "she does. She pretty much beat it out of us after this morning."
"Well, at least I don't have to tell anyone else here," he said with a sad smile.
"If you need to take tonight off…"
"No," Greg said doing something he rarely ever did, cut Grissom off, "No. If I did that I'll probably do something stupid."
Greg caught the momentary look of real concern that flickered in Grissom's eyes as he'd said that.
"Not that stupid," he tried to correct. "I meant like getting drunk or hacking into government computers. I didn't mean anything permanent. I'm better off here where I'll have something constructive to do."
Grissom nodded in agreement. He didn't really think Greg should be alone right now but wasn't going to force him to stay.
"So I'll just go start that constructive stuff then," Greg said as he stood to leave.
"Wait a minute," Grissom called following suit.
Greg tried to prepare himself mentally. Here it came, the big you'll be fine speech he'd been dreading.
"There's some paperwork I need you to sign."
Greg looked a bit taken back. He wasn't ready for this.
"Can't that wait? The initial treatment could be outpatient. I could still work."
"It's not for that," Grissom said putting them down on the desk.
Greg looked down at the papers on the table, not sure if he believed it.
"Came through today, but it's not official until you sign."
Greg began to check his pockets for a pen, even though he was fairly certain he hadn't had one.
"Here," Grissom said handing one from his desk.
Greg quickly signed the forms and handed them back to Grissom, smiling.
"So that's it?" he asked.
"You'll need to be certified on the range, issued a gun and badge. There are few briefings you'll need to sit through, but basically, yes that's it."
"Sweet."
"Congratulations," Grissom said with a smile, shaking his hand.
"Thanks. Wow. Is there a pay raise involved?"
"No."
"Doesn't matter."
"But on the bright side, there are longer hours."
Greg laughed, knowing too well it was true. Letting it sink in. He'd actually done it. Gotten the promotion he'd been hoping for, waiting for. He was officially a part of the team.
"I should be doing that work thing then, huh?" Greg asked after a moment.
"As long as that work think doesn't involve the lab, yes you should."
"Got it," Greg said, still smiling. Smiling more then he had all week. "From now on I'll just drop things off and demand results hours before its humanly possible."
"Go," Grissom said as he laughed, sitting back down at his desk.
Greg gave him a little wave and shut the door behind him, happy. Actually happy.