Happy Enough by SLynn
Disclaimer: Any character you recognize, not mine.
Notes: I'm really not sure how this is going to sit with anyone. We'll see I guess. Again, I seem to have no control over this story anymore. It's leading me down its own path regardless of where I'd intended to go. But I'm pretty sure this is just a detour. Thanks for the reviews: Sillie, white rose01, Rikke, and fading-lights – I'm glad you liked that line, so far it's my favorite. And Em – thank you for the squee! even if I don't know what that is. :)
Chapter 15: Lightning
After his parents had left Greg fell into an easy routine.
He got up, took his meds and then usually studied for a while. Depending on how he felt, sometimes he'd go for a run, sometimes a walk. Greg had been careful and asked Dr. Tracey first if it would be alright and she'd agreed as long as he stayed properly rested and hydrated.
About this time he'd feel hungry. Exercise was about the only thing that made him hungry any more so he was happy he'd been cleared to do so. Despite the fact that he could now hold down his food, Greg had dropped nearly twenty pounds.
After a meal he'd nap. He really was tired a lot. Depending on when he'd wake, Greg would either run errands or just get ready and go in to work. He still worked most nights, but now for only four to five hours at a time. It was hard staying behind on cases and staying out of the lab. Sometimes he snuck back in and helped Amy if she was really swamped, but he had begun learning new things. Fingerprinting was a big one. He'd always been comfortable with it, but now he found it fascinating. Jacqui was an excellent teacher, helped him out a lot and he was getting better at it each day.
Greg found that most nights he was home just after midnight. He might grab a quick snack but more often then not he just went straight to bed.
All of this begun, of course, after Nick and Warrick had helped move him into his new apartment. The new place wasn't bad but he still hadn't really unpacked anything.
Also during this time he finally got qualified on the range. Nick and Sara had alternated taking him out and practicing until he felt comfortable. It wasn't an easy thing to get use to. Carrying a gun was a big responsibility, one both Nick and Sara had stressed repeatedly without really needing too. Not that he would be carrying one until he was allowed back into the field but it had felt like a step in the right direction.
His first bone marrow test was fairly optimistic. The cancer cells present hadn't dropped dramatically. Statistically, it wasn't even a change, but they hadn't increased either. That seemed enough to satisfy Dr. Tracey for the time being. Greg had feared she'd want to become more aggressive if there hadn't been a significant drop. He wasn't ready to be hospitalized.
All in all things were going well. Then, midway through his third week of treatment, Greg noticed that his hair was falling out. In the days leading up to this discovery he'd been seeing more and more hair in the sink and had just tried ignoring it. What he couldn't ignore was that this time in the shower, as he'd washed his hair, a clump of it had fallen out and hit the floor with a splat.
Greg got out of the shower and again found himself staring at his reflection.
That night he'd gone in at the usual time, just making the pre-shift meeting. Greg had stationed himself in the back, for the first time in a long time not wanting to be there. All those same feelings of dread he'd thought he'd dealt with and put to rest were already resurfacing.
Grissom was running late as he entered the room. They had a few hot cases they needed to get to and he was in a hurry. If he'd really thought it through, hadn't been so rushed, he'd of never said it. He would have known and just kept his mouth shut. But strictly out of habit, the same way he'd done to Nick and Warrick a thousand times before, he'd looked up and said, "Greg, hats off indoors."
Grissom hadn't seen the look on his face as it happened, but no one else missed it.
Greg slowly pulled off the wool cap he'd tried to cover up with and said nothing. Warrick and Catherine, the only others there, tried to discreetly look elsewhere, but he knew they were shocked.
When Grissom did look up and really saw Greg he almost asked him to put it back on. He knew that would be wrong. Knew that doing that would probably hurt worse then when he'd forced him to remove the hat in the first place.
Grissom had always had a hard time picturing Greg sick. Even after he'd found out and seen the drugs and disease start to take a bit of him each day. After Greg's initial bought of understandable depression, he'd bounced back. He'd seemed to go on living and fighting. He'd been very strong, not just for himself, but for everyone. And now, looking at him, head shaved and growing thinner by the minute, he didn't just see him as sick. He saw Greg as dying.
After the meeting Grissom hadn't stuck around. He knew he should talk to Greg, try to explain his behavior, and found it odd that he couldn't bring himself to do it. Catherine followed close on his heals, evidently ready to force him back in there to do something. Warrick had gone as well. He hadn't known what to say any more then Grissom had. For his part Greg had had enough for the night. He shoved the hat down over his ears and headed for the nearest exit.
"Greg," Amy called as he stormed past the lab on his way out.
He didn't answer, didn't stop and didn't even look back.
Before long he was back at his apartment and on his second beer. Alcohol was about as high up the 'no' list as aspirin but he just didn't care. He didn't want to see those faces in his head anymore. Those looks his friends had given him clearly said 'Greg Sanders is a dead man.' He just wanted to erase it all and that not being possible the next best thing was a nice little black out.
Greg was on his fifth beer when it struck him that he was actually feeling very drunk. Normally not a light weight, four or five beers didn't usually do much to him. Maybe it was because he hadn't drank in so long, or the medication even, but it seemed to hit him hard tonight. He even thought he'd heard bells. After a second 'hallucination', he realized he had heard bells because his new apartment had a door bell.
He swung the door open without even looking, dangerous in any city but damn near suicidal in Vegas. Luck was with him in one form or another because on the other side was Sara.
"Hey," he said swaying heavily into the door.
"You're drunk," she said flatly, disapproval just behind her eyes.
"And bald," he retorted, rubbing his head for effect.
"Griss and Cath were worried."
"But yet, they aren't here."
Sara pushed her way past him into the apartment. Greg fumbled with the door again, slamming it loud enough to make both of them to jump. Sara threw him a look and he just kind of shrugged his shoulders in an exaggerated wince.
"And I wonder why I keep getting evicted."
She didn't want to encourage him, but smiled anyways.
"Do you want a drink?" he asked, skipping right past the obvious question of why she was there.
"No, and you're not having another either. It's not smart to mix…"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know already." Greg cut her off as he sank into his couch.
"Why are you doing it then?"
"That's not really your business."
"Alright," she said, willing to except that answer for now.
"Did they ask you to come baby sit me?"
"No. I stopped by the office and they told me what happened. No one asked me to come."
"You are a terrible liar Sidle."
"You're a terrible drunk."
"Guess I need practice."
"Damn it Greg," Sara said really irritated now. "Why are you doing this to yourself? It's a side effect of the drugs, you know that. It's only hair and it's going to grow back."
"You weren't there. I don't care what they told you, you weren't there. I've never seen them look so scared before and it was because of me."
"Greg…"
"No, hear me out. You asked, now hear me out. They think I'm dead already. And I might as well be because I feel like I am. I feel empty. If the cancer doesn't kill me the chemo won't leave me with a reason to live. You don't understand. I've been on autopilot for weeks. Just going through each day like it was the next. I just exist now, I'm not living. I'm surviving and I don't have a reason too other then it's what I've always done."
Tears had begun to slide down his face as he paced the room, really agitated now but sobering up.
"What is it about your presence that makes me cry?" he asked, half-serious, half-kidding. "Somehow you always do. You make me feel it all a hundred times more then I do any other time. How do you make me do this? Make me feel this?"
"But you feel something now, right?" she answered in the same tone.
"I don't want too, not this. I don't want to feel anger. I don't want to feel sick, or hurt, or pity, or anything like that."
Greg was surprised to find Sara closer to him now, in front of him. Staring at him like she'd never seen him before. Her hands on his arms steadying him before sliding down into his own.
"I just want…"
Sara pulled him towards her. Wrapped herself around him as if that gesture alone would give him strength. She didn't want to see him like this. He was falling apart around her, and she didn't know what else to do.
"I want to feel alive," he whispered into her hair.
She leaned back and looked up at him again. Staring and then not. They both moved simultaneously, deliberately and slowly into each other closing their eyes as their lips met. It began slow, patient and tense, but quickly changed to something else. Need, hunger, passion and lust all took their turn. It was there raw and unchecked between them.
And then like a flash of lightning, over.
A/N: Yeah, I re-read this like eight or nine times, deciding whether or not to add it. I almost took it out, not sure if it fit the characters, but ultimately here it is. I'm still not sure it fits the characters, but it feels right in context of the story. I don't claim to be a Greg/Sara shipper and I can't promise anything past this scene. Tell me what you think. I didn't warn at the top because I wanted any anti-shippers to read it with an open mind. That and I like surprises.