Chapter Five

For the next week she had to watch him like a hawk…he couldn't go outside… He couldn't go anywhere without her with him. Jordan wouldn't even shower unless Dr. Stiles was there to watch him while she wasn't in the room. She was deathly afraid that he would relapse and somehow find some Oxycotin somewhere. And if he did that, she didn't know if she would ever recover, much less him.

She had felt his pain during his withdrawals…she had wiped his face with cool bath towels, rubbed his back during the cramps, and held his head while he retched in the toilet. But at the end of the week, she had more of Woody back than she ever did before.

The Prozac had surprised her. She had found the prescription medication while looking for the Oxycotin. She had showed it to Dr. Stiles, who advised still giving him that while he was recovering. "It's too risky to stop it cold-turkey," he had said. So she had carefully doled them out to him – one in the morning and one in the evening. She wanted to ask him why he was on the medication…ever since she had known Woody, he had been the most carefree person she had ever met. Always cheerful, ready to see the bright side of everything. Now she wondered just how much of his life he had been hiding. And why was he hiding it.

But now wasn't the time to ask. Her main concern was his health, both mentally and physically. The physical side effects of the withdrawals were painful to watch. The emotional ones were even worse. His highs and lows tended to be extreme. Jordan just tried to be there…to talk to him when he felt good and hold him when the lows came, and with them the tears. By the end of the week, Woody was feeling better. Jordan, however, was a wreck.

She had discreetly told Nigel and Garret what was going on when she had asked for three weeks of her vacation time. She had handed them the key to Woody's apartment and asked them to go behind her and check to see if she had truly gotten rid of all the Oxycotin. They agreed to do it and after a sweep of his apartment, had turned up not no other drugs. Garret had willingly given her the time off with a stern warning. "Watch your heart, Jordan." While he admired what she was doing for Woody, he was wary that her heart would be broken one more time…that she would be lied to yet again. And with Woody sitting in that precarious position, it may just devastate her.

It was on the third day at her apartment that Woody began to really see his way out of his drug induced haze. He had woken up in her bed, to find her propped up beside him on the pillows, asleep. He had no doubt she had locked the deadbolt on the apartment door and had hidden the key…that way there was no way he could get out, but she could rest. He had looked over at her, surprised at how the role reversal felt. In the past, he had always taken care of her. Now he was firmly in her protection…and she had the battle scars to prove it. He winced when he saw her cheek and eye…they were still bruised. Without a second thought, he reached out and gently traced his finger over them….and her honey-colored eyes flicked open. "Hey…" she managed to get out, her voice still husky with sleep.

He gave her a half-smile. "Hey yourself. I'm sorry, Jordan," he said, softly touching her injuries.

She sat up and smiled. "Don't worry about it. You aren't…weren't yourself. How are you feeling now?"

"Better … I feel much better."

"Good. Think you could handle breakfast?" He hadn't felt like eating much the last couple of days.

"Yeah…I believe so."

"Eggs and toast?"

"Sounds wonderful."

Woody showered while she made breakfast. Seating himself at her bar, dressed in clean clothes and shaven, he felt more like himself than he had in weeks. Cautiously he asked, "When will I be able to go home, Jordan?"

Jordan looked up from her plate and sighed. She was expecting a battle from him now. This is when Dr. Stiles said she would really have to be strong and firm because Woody no longer knew what was best for him…at least right now. Currently, even though he was feeling better, he could still relapse if he got to feeling lonely or something happened that would once again open that yawning void in his life. And he would probably look for more Oxycotin to fill it. "Not for a while, Woody…at least until you see Dr. Stiles for a few visits and make sure you could handle being alone again without lapsing back into drug use."

Woody nodded. He felt better…but he also knew he wasn't ready to go back to his apartment. He didn't want to take the medication again, but he knew it would be out there waiting for him, with a siren's song, tempting to draw him back in. "Do you mind?" he finally asked.

"Mind? No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes…after all the times you've gotten me out of trouble…let me help you chase down leads when you didn't have to…protected me…I'd say I owe you quite a bit, Woody."

He lowered his head. "Thanks…but I really don't deserve this."

Jordan reached over and ran her fingers through his hair, like she used to do in the past when he was thinking too hard, "Yeah. Yeah, you do deserve it. And I'm glad to be the one to help."

"So what's on the agenda today…I'm not feeling sick…any chance I can get some fresh air?"

"I've got to run to the store, and into the morgue to take care of a few things. Howard is going to come by and keep you company until I get back."

"Great. So Dr. Stiles is my designated babysitter this morning?"

Jordan grinned. "If you want to call him that, go ahead."

Woody may have called Dr. Stiles his designated babysitter, but inside he knew the doctor was more than that. There was no doubt in his mind that Stiles was going to ask some hard questions….questions that Woody didn't think he was ready to answer. Questions he really didn't want to answer.

And he wasn't disappointed. As soon as Jordan had left her apartment, Dr. Stiles made himself comfortable on the couch and looked at Woody expectantly. "So….," the doctor began.

"So…..what?" asked Woody.

"How are you feeling detective?"

"Better. Still not at a hundred percent, but better."

"That's good. You weren't doing so well at the beginning of the week. Jordan was really worried about you."

Woody lowered his head. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry."

"Sorry is all well and good, but until you tell me why you were taking the medicine, and we get to the bottom of this, you know the chances of you relapsing are good."

"It started with my injury at the bank…I got the prescription filled because it hurt. I couldn't rest. I found out that Oxycotin not only numbs your body to the pain, it numbs all of you. So suddenly I didn't miss Devan so much…I just didn't feel anything. And that felt good. At least for a while. Then when I wanted to stop, I still found that I was in so much pain that I couldn't. So….I went back to another doctor, told them what happened, and got another prescription. I just kept repeating the process."

"Losing a girl you were dating to death is a big deal. Did you love Devin?"

Woody sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Did I love her? In a way, I guess. She was pretty and smart and….." his voice trailed off as he swallowed hard.

"And paid attention to you when Jordan wouldn't?" Dr. Stiles asked.

"Yeah. She was there. I….I was…I am …. Just at a point in my life when I want someone to be there…I'm tired of being alone. I want someone to be there to talk and listen to me…and I want to do the same for them."

"And Jordan wasn't ready for this?"

Woody turned and looked at the doctor. "You're not going to blame this whole thing on Jordan."

Dr. Stiles shook his head. "Why not? She certainly does."

Woody looked at him incredulously. "She shouldn't."

"Well, she does. She believes that if she would have made herself more available to you after Devin's death, this wouldn't have happened."

"She tried….but I wouldn't let her. I wanted to be alone…for a little while at least."

"But then you didn't and she wasn't there?"

"It wasn't that…I didn't want to be pushed away by her again….like she had in the past…draw me in near to her then give me the cold shoulder."

Dr. Stiles regarded Woody for a minute. "So…the reason you kept taking the Oxycotin was because you missed Devin and hated being alone….but when the one person who you really wanted to be with, reached out to help you, you pushed her away because of your past history with her. Have I got that right?"

Woody nodded.

Dr. Stiles continued. "The pain in your personal life was so bad that you wanted to be numb."

Again, Woody nodded.

"Did you really love Devin, Woody?" Dr Stiles rephrased the question and asked it again.

This time Woody shook his head. "No….I thought I could. I hoped it would develop into something…but it hadn't reached that point yet."

"Why hadn't it, do you think? I mean, you had been dating her for a while."

Woody turned away and looked out the window of Jordan's apartment. It was turning spring now….the buds were just beginning to show on the trees and he could see the pointed leaves of the buttercups and crocuses pushing their way up through the soil. Spring…the universal sign of rebirth….he felt so dead inside that he doubted he could ever feel hopeful or reborn again. Much less imagine that anything between himself and Jordan be resurrected. Especially now…after he struck her. His throat constricted. She had no idea how eat up with guilt he felt every time he looked at her face…even though the bruising was quickly fading physically, in his mind he still saw the ugly black, blue, and red tinged marks on her face. Finally he answered Dr. Stiles' question. "Because….every time I held Devan's hand….or touched her face….or kissed her….I wished it was her."

"Her?"

"Jordan." The answer came out of his mouth in a ragged whisper.

"So the real source of this pain is not so much Devin's death – not that you didn't care about her or grieve her – but it's the fact that Jordan kept pushing you away and you loved her."

Woody nodded. He didn't trust his voice to answer.

"I don't think she's pushing you away now, son."

"No…she's doing this out of a sense of guilt….or that she owes me for something…"

"I don't think that's it. When Jordan came to me, she was genuinely concerned and worried about you because she cared so much…those were her exact words."

Woody gave the doctor a puzzled look and Dr. Stiles was just about to elaborate when they heard Jordan's key in the door and soon she was unloading groceries in her kitchen. "Hey….did I miss anything?" she asked as she sat down the bags.

"No…no…just a little guy talk…you know, football and things like that…Patriots and Girls Gone Wild III….you know."

Jordan rolled her eyes and looked over at Woody….a worried look crossing her face. He was still facing the window, but in the reflection she could see the tears rolling down his face.