Disclaimer: All character belongs to J. K. Rowling. Song that inspired fic is called "It's Been A While" and is by Staind.
A/N: I was listening to Staind and this came to me. I haven't written much of Sinistra and Lupin before and this will be just another one-shot.
Summary: Remus returns to Hogwarts to teach in Harry's third year and meets an old girlfriend.
It's Been A WhileIt's been a while since I could hold my head up high,
And it's been a while since I first saw you
Remus sat alone in his quarters with his head in his hands. He ran his hands through his hair, as he could not understand how this had happened to him. He would have never taken the job had he known that she was working here, she whom he had met so long ago in a time when his life made sense. But the last time that he had seen her, there was so much shame in the moment. Had he known that he was soon going to loose so much in his life he would not have pushed her out of it.
He loved her with all his heart, but he did not see how he was worthy of her. He had always believed that she deserved so much better than a werewolf. He wondered if he had not pushed her away, would he have lost himself so deeply in sorrow and drowned out his pain in liquor? Would he have been so careless about his health? Would he have drunk so much as to become intoxicated and be sent frequently to the hospital?
His life had been hell for so many years. First he pushed her away. That had him down and out for so many months that he even alienated himself from his friends. They would worry and go after him, but only to find him drunk. They would take care of him when he was drunk and feel pity for him, they would hear his drunken sobs of pain and they all knew how much he needed her. But there where so many times that they where driven away by what he had become. Sirius seemed to be the only one able to stand his drunken stupors. He was the only one that stayed with him through it all.
And he lost them. Had he known that all of his friends where going to be taken from him he wouldn't have pushed them all away. He would have spent as much time with them as was possible instead of wallowing in his own pity. He was only twenty years old when he had lost everything that he had ever cared about. He truly lost himself after that.
And it's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again,
And it's been a while since I could call you
Remus stood up from where he was seated and walked over to the door; he wanted to take a walk around the castle. It had taken him a long time, but he had finally gotten over his drinking problem. It took him about a year and a half, for that is how much of an alcoholic that he had become, but now he was able to stand on his feet without swaying or anything of the sort.
When he had gotten rid of his problem, it was hard to stay off of alcohol. Once sober all the memories seemed much worse and he realized that his days where a living hell. They where far too long and he had not much to do other than to think. His thoughts where always on the same thing and they often times wandered to her. He wanted to know what had become of her life, how she was doing, if she was with someone else and finally happy.
Before he got over his crisis there had been so many times that all he wanted to do was reach out to her and talk to her. He wanted her to be there for him. There where so many times that all he wanted was to be near her and have her back in his life, but he could not bear the thought of her seeing him in that state and she had once made it clear to him that she did not wish to ever see him in that state at all. For years he knew that he would not be able to see her again unless he was completely sober and had been completely sober for quite sometime.
And everything I can remember
Is fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've render
I stretched myself beyond my means
And it's been a while since I can say that I wasn't addicted
His life had become hell after all was ripped away from and that is why his drinking problem ascended to higher levels of danger. In his nights he could picture the way that he imagined Sirius killing Petigrew was. He could hear Sirius yelling in his sleep, he could see the way the Dementors stole everything that was happy within him and take it all away until there is nothing but bad memories. Drinking seemed to be a way out of it in some way. Despite the fact that he became a blubbery mess, when he passed out from the amount of liquor in him, he finally had a night of peaceful dreams.
Remus shook his head of all the thoughts that where running through his head. He looked around and found himself standing outside Griffindor tower. He could see visions of himself and his friends running through the very same portrait hole and coming out talking about may things. Ghost of his past that he loved to remember but pained him too much to think about them, from a time when life was much easier.
Remus looked around himself and found that he was standing before a window. He looked out the window he could see the grounds of Hogwarts. He stared at the mirror for a couple of seconds and looked up into the sky. The sky was now clear with no clouds and he could see the starry heavens and the moon. She loved the skies, something that they didn't have in common. She loved the moon, where he feared it more than anything. She somehow was able to see the beauty in everything, something that he could never understand. She could even find beauty in people that where like Snape.
And it's been a while since I can say I love myself as well and
It's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up, just like I always do.
And it's been a while but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you.
Remus laid his forehead to rest on the windowpane. He had always hated himself for what he was, but she came into his life and did what no one else could do. She made him realize that he was a valuable person, whether the Wizarding world wanted to admit to it or not. She made him see that being a werewolf was not a horrible thing and that it had become part of him. She made him see that without the wolf inside of him he would be normal. Loyalty, strength and bravery where added to his studious and quiet soul making him complete.
Though Remus never truly learned to love himself, he learned to respect himself, which allowed him to love her to a certain extent. But perhaps if he had learned to love himself he would have learned to love her completely, which if he had, he wouldn't have pushed her away. Pushing her away, he realized was one of his greatest mistakes in his life. He had ruined his own life and he was sure that he in some way had ruined hers as well.
Destruction seemed to be something that he was good at. His reckless behavior had caused him to give up on life after he had chased her away and lost all of his friends. He had lost everything he had known and his reckless behavior did not allow him to come out from the low place, which he had dug for himself. There was no coming out of his dark abyss, created by the feelings of abandonment. He had often wished, when sitting alone in the darkness of his room in his dilapidated home, that she were with him. In his drunken state of unconsciousness' he could see her, he could feel her hand as it caressed his face and he could hear her voice telling him that everything would be okay.
His life had always been better when she was around and there was no doubt about it. All his happy moments included her. She shared her first kiss with him. She made him a man. She gave him her all and she didn't mind too much that he held some of himself back from her. She loved him with all her heart and he loved her the way that he knew he would never love anyone else. She had the ability to turn his life upside down. She was the greatest person that he had ever met.
She seemed to push all thoughts out of his mind and she was very forgiving. She forgave all the stupid things he had ever done and said to her. He could do no wrong that she would not forgive, or at least that was how she had been. What he had done to her he knew that she would not be too willing to forgive. She knew that he had lost his way and that the past couple of years he had lived a very destructive life, and she knew what he had become. He had become everything that she absolutely hated, he had become the mirror image of her father and that was something that she didn't want to have anything to do with.
He turned away from the window and started to walk around the halls once more. The halls where dimly lit, but he did not care too much about that. As he walked around all he could seem to think about was his love and he decided that it had been too long. He had lived so long without her and he could not any longer. He had to at the very least try and talk to her. He could not simply go the entire year without having a word with her.
And everything I can remember
Is fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've render
I've gone and fucked up again
He did not want to live the following years without her or with the thought that he never even tried to get her to return to his life. This was not something that he wanted to look back upon as yet another failure. He could not mess up his life anymore and he just hoped that he would take her back, for the sake of his own life.
He was soon standing outside the astronomy tower. He slowly made his way up the stairs and hoped that he would find her there. He was soon standing at the door and found that both his palms where getting sweaty and that his heart was pounding faster than he thought was actually healthy, he wondered if perhaps he was having a heart attack. He slowly opened the door and walked in. He spotted someone standing with his or her back towards him, and looking up at the sky.
"Sandra?" he asked as he timidly took a step forward, his hands where beginning to shake and his voice was shaky as well. She turned around and wiped off her face. It was than that he knew that she was weeping. He stepped forward so that he could see her beautiful dark blue eyes in the light, which was brightly lit by the stars. He could see that her eyes where red rimmed and looked glassy from the tears that she had been shedding. He could see her cheek sparkling from the residue of her tears.
"What are you doing here Remus?" She asked as her eyes locked with his, her arms crossed over her chest. He stared at her for a moment for he did not know what to say. As he looked at her he could still see all her former beauty shining at him, the years had done nothing to hinder it, but the years had taken their toll on her demeanor.
Why must I feel this way?
Just make it go away
Just one more peaceful day
"The past couple of years are nothing that you could imagine on me, just like I cannot imagine what it is that you have gone through. I know one thing, that I have caused you pain by my departure, but it caused me a lot of pain as well. Letting you go, or rather, pushing you away was one of the greatest mistakes that I have ever committed and I have felt the pain of it for the past fifteen years and it all just refuses to go away. I know that if I have any wish at all to live another peaceful day in my life that it would only be if I where to live it by your side. You are the only one that could make it go away," he said as he looked into her eyes, feeling tears form in his eyes as he watched tears rolling down her face.
"I've waited so long to hear those words from you," she said with her voice trembling as she closed her eyes tight to blink away the tears that where continuing to build up in her eyes. She opened them and looked at him. "But you have waited fifteen years to tell me and I have finally been able to be at peace with my life. I have finally restored order to my life from the chaos that you created. And now you show up once more, you move the earth beneath my feet and turn what I have sorted out into complete disorder. Remus, you where all I ever wanted, but you could never understand it. You thought that I was merely being false and you don't know what I have felt since you left me. You do not know the torments that I have put myself through, I couldn't understand why I was not enough to keep you," she said as she sobbed. His tears streamed down his face and he walked towards her, closing the space between them. He wrapped his arms around her body and she continued to sob into his shoulder.
All too suddenly he could feel his body become alive. In tingled the way that he had not felt it so for so many years, but she pushed him away before he could revel in the feeling. "Sandra, please," he said in a pleading tone as he looked at her. He watched as she took a step away from him and took in deep calming breaths.
"You are no longer the man that I fell in love with Remus. You became my father and I will not live through what my mother lived through. She went her whole life living with an alcoholic who spent all his time drinking and never showed her the love that she so desperately needed. I do not want to live like that Remus," she said as she looked at him. She turned around and walked to the room off to the side, which he suspected was her private quarters. He felt as though he had lost, but he was yet unwilling to let up. He followed her to the room and stopped her from closing the door on him. "Leave me be," she pleaded.
"That is not what you want Sandra," he said as she turned away from him and made her way across the room.
"What would you know?" she asked in a whisper, with her back towards him as she looked out the window. He walked into her room and closed the door behind himself. It was than that he noticed the many candles that illuminate her room. They hung in midair, very much like the ones in the Great Hall.
It's been a while since I could look at myself straight
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry
He walked over to where she stood and could see his reflection in the windowpane. "It took me sometime to realize what I have become and what drinking had turned me into, and I changed because of it. Sandra I have changed and it is because of you that I was willing to come back and rise up from the dark abyss in which I had fallen. When I looked into the mirror, I could not recognize the image which looked back at me, but I can now see myself once more."
"But you still do not know the torment which I have gone through," she said as she continued to look out the window, her voice sounded strained, as though she where holding back sobs.
"I am so very sorry for all the pain that I have caused you over the years, but you are wrong," he said as he looked down at her. She turned around and looked up into his face. He looked into her eyes and he could see himself in them and he was happy to see that the man that he could see in her eyes was one that he recognized from long ago. He reached up and caressed her face, wiping the tears away. She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, something he could see she needed as much as he did. "I known what you've gone through and felt for me, because I went through and felt the same for you."
And it's been a while since I've seen the way that the candles light your face
And it's been a while but I can still remember just the way you taste
He studied her face and the way the candlelight fell on it. It had been a long time since he had last seen her face in the candlelight on it. It was the greatest reminder of the day that she had made him a man. There was so much happiness in those moments. He loved her more than anything and he felt so nervous since it was their first time.
She opened her eyes and looked into his amber eyes. Her blue eyes where glistening and sparkling the way that very much reminded him of the stars that she so loved. He reached up to her tight and confining bun and set all of her silky, shiny, straight black hair loose. Her hair cascaded down her back and she continued to stare up at him. "Are you no longer afraid of feeling to the full extent to which I feel?" she asked as she looked at him.
"Not anymore," he said as he shook his head as he looked down at her. One final tear escaped from his eye, as he knew that she was willing to forgive him once more and he immediately felt his love for her grow. Her hands reached up behind his head and she pulled him down. She kissed away his tear, very slowly and closed his eyes as he felt her lips on his cheek. He allowed himself to entirely allow the warmth stream through his body.
She slowly pulled away and he soon felt his lips touching hers and he soon found that she tasted exactly as he remembered. He felt as though the floor beneath him had moved, it was as though he was having an out of body experience. He felt suspended in time, as though the whole world had stopped just for this one moment.
And everything I can remember
Is fucked up, as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
Remus had always blamed his shortcomings on his father, but he realized that his father had done the best he could for him. Though he was not a good example for his son, for he was a womanizer, he taught his son that there is one person meant for someone. Though his father did cheat on his mother, his father realized that she was the one that was meant for him. He perhaps realized too late, for his mother no longer wanted anything to do with him, but it taught him a very valuable lesson. It taught him that a good woman is hard to find and that once you find her you should not let her go or change her for anything in the world and that you have to try your hardest to make her happy.
This was what he wanted to do for Sandra for he knew that she very much deserved it. He lay there in bed with the love of his life and looked down into the sleeping face of the woman who owned his heart. She had his life in her hands and that night she had the ability to do with it as she wished. If she had turned away from him and pushed him away she would have surely taken his life from him. But instead she took him back once more and gave him love that he did not deserve; she returned life into his numb body and soul.
As he looked down into her sleeping face and he knew there was no beauty on this earth that could compare to her. She looked so peaceful as she lay in her sleep, with a smile on her face as she dreamed. There was no sight that he wanted to see more than this. He knew that if he where to die he would die a happy man, but he was not yet willing to die, for he had just found a reason for living.
And it's been a while since I could hold my head up high
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry.
THE END