A/N: Does anyone besides me think I'm popping these chappies out almost too quickly? Anybody? Well...I'll be slowing down now, because...ha ha, school starting. So expect me to be my old, not-so-quickly updating self soon.
Rebirth-Chapter 4
I trapped again in the dark swirl of light and shadows, of strangely compelling and disturbing demon dances. I was drowning in his eyes. It was the same dream, playing over and over again in my head for the last week, ever since I betrayed him. Only…he hated me so much more. And I hated myself, too.
"The Queen of Light will fall to the Darkness in her Heart."
I was pulled from the nightmare, sweaty and tangled in the satin bed sheets, by a gentle shake.
"Suze," he was whispering through the darkness. "Suze, wake up."
I opened my eyes, and it took a minute to realize that I was back in reality. And that the face hovering in my field of vision was looking at me with concern, not disgust.
"You were having that nightmare again, weren't you?" Paul said, his hand softly massaging my shoulder, trying to relax me a little.
I nodded. Looking past him, at the ceiling.
"Why can't you just tell me what the dream is about, Suze?"
"Why can't you just read my mind and find out?" I whispered back. "…I don't want to talk about it. But feel free to help yourself to my private thoughts."
Paul grimaced. "Suze, I already told you-"
"That you can't read my mind anymore for some reason."
Paul nodded. "It's weird." He fell back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. The sheet slipped off of him the slightest bit. Enough for me to see his bare chest. For some reason, this reminded me of Jesse. Everything reminded me of Jesse. He was haunting me.
"It's like there's a wall around your mind…" Paul said, sounding like he was encountering something strange and new, which he was. "Never…never. I can see everyone else's mind…except yours and Rose's. Like something is shielding you from me…"
He didn't know I knew about Jesse. I never told him. And after Jesse left, that was when he lost his ability to read my particular mind. So I had an idea of what was keeping my mind closed away. But if it was what I thought it was, then Jesse was alive somewhere. And he was way more powerful than Paul. Because to my knowledge, Paul couldn't shield minds from long distances. He did it at diplomatic meetings and stuff, to keep the ambassadors from hearing my…less than complimentary thoughts about him. But he never did it from more than a room away. And I think he's tried.
I was aware of the fact, however, that Jesse had apparently escaped. Paul only referred to him as "a dangerous demon". An escaped "dangerous demon".
Which was way weird…because I had seen those Keepers carry him away.
But I had a feeling that Paul was thinking the same thing. That Jesse was doing it. Only he thought Jesse was doing it just to make him mad. I think he was doing it because…well, not to say that he cares about me, or anything…but because Paul would be very angry with me and Rose it he learned about our encounters with Jesse.
But no, Jesse doesn't care about me. He made that quite clear.
I didn't even feel the tear come out of my eye. But Paul turned to look at me, and he saw it. And there it was, sliding down my cheek. He reached out and wiped it away.
For the first time in seven years, there was no need for me to worry for my thoughts being given away. My mind was my own. At least I could thank Jesse for that much.
So when Paul said, in that loving tone that made me wonder who was really the bad guy whenever he used it, "What's wrong, love?", I was able to lie very confidently.
"Nothing, just…" The legendary liar is about to make her triumphant return here, folks! "…I just got something stuck in my eye."
And without my mind out in the open like a book-a book with a 100 size font-Paul bought my little lie with absolutely no doubts. You have no idea how proud I was of myself.
Hey, it may seem like a stupid victory to you other people. But just think…seven years without being able to get away with even the smallest lie…
So Paul smiled at me, completely oblivious. Just smiled at me in a truly heartwarming way. "I could never cry when I was a kid," he said suddenly, completely out of the blue. "One time, my eyes got wet while I was yawning…you know how that happens sometimes…and my father beat me to within an inch of my life."
Okay…Paul never showed me this side of him. And I really didn't know what to make of it. So I just stared at him in a kind of shocked silence. Then I said, "Um…wow, what a jerk."
Paul's smile was still planted, disturbingly pleasant, on his face, even as he went on. "I never told it to anyone…but I used to cry, anyway. At night…when no one would see me, you know? It was just…just too much sometimes for a little kid. All of it. Being expected to be perfect. Being forced to kill. All part of my training, to rule the universe, to be heartless."
I sensed he kind of just needed to say this, without anyone interrupting, so I restrained myself from telling him that the training must have worked pretty well.
"He made me kill some of my best friends… 'The perfect king has no heart!' he said. Funny…but when I was holding him in my arms, slowly killing him…he cried. He cried for mercy. But he never gave me any mercy."
I felt a surge of pity fill me. Really…I had no idea. Suddenly, the situation seemed very intimate. You know, us lying side by side, facing one another, naked except for the sheets…not meaning that in a sexual way, but more of an emotional way. His hand was still stroking my cheek, and he was still smiling in that odd way. I figured that if I could see into his mind just then, I would see he wasn't really in much a smiling mood.
"Do you still cry?" I said, without even realizing I was about to speak until the words tumbled out of my mouth.
And suddenly, I could see into his mind. And I was right, he wasn't in a smiling mood. He had never opened up to me this way.
I was seeing him, as a little boy, running down a dark hall, fighting tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. There was a dark shadow chasing him. But I doubted it was really there, rather, I think it was the shadow chasing his mind.
It was just…just so sad. A sweeping sea of sadness. That was the only way to describe what it felt like to be inside his mind. A vast, never ending sea, with some cold spots of rage, and other, even rarer spots of happiness. I, of course, was attracted to one of the warm spots…and, unfortunately for me, this spot happened to contain memories of me.
I saw myself, standing there, smiling, looking…beautiful. More than beautiful. Like a goddess. It wasn't what I saw when I looked in the mirror. It was so…perfect. It was the way Paul saw me. I was seeing myself through his eyes.
Then I was overwhelmed with a sense of helpless and unrequited…love. I saw the image of me turn angry. Hating me. Still so beautiful…and I felt myself wanting that beautiful creature that was supposed to be me…to just…care. Just a little. Just to want me back. I felt the horrible love, the pain tightening in my chest…and I couldn't breathe.
I reeled away from the memories of me, wanting to get away, but I was lost in his mind. I wasn't in the bedroom anymore. And without even realizing it, I was sucked into one of the areas of swirling hate.
Like a whirlpool.
In it, I saw Jesse. Simply, just, Jesse. Then I was there, too, and Jesse and I were kissing, lovingly. It was so strange, watching us kiss like that. Then the air turned red with fury, and Jesse opened his eyes and winked mischievously, as if purposely challenging me to stop him. Then he was touching that image of me, and I was subjecting to him. I was watching Jesse make love to me, and all I wanted to do was rip his head off. Then I passed a soft spot, and the air turned icy cold as the image of me, beneath Jesse, turned to me and laughed. Laughed at me.
Then Rose was there. Standing there in her pretty little blue dress, smiling at me.
And I wanted to kill her.
I was screaming, I wanted to get out of this place of haunting memories. I didn't want to love Paul, I didn't want to care about him. I didn't want to think that he had feelings, that he had a heart. I just wanted to see him as an animal…
And then something pushed me out and away, very quickly, so quickly I was slightly dizzy. And then I was staring at Paul's face again. His mind was closed to me.
He was looking at me hard. Eyeing me warily.
I had seen too much.
Then, without a word, he rolled over, away from me.
For a long time, I just stared at his muscular back. Thinking about what I had seen. I reached out a hand, tentatively, and lightly brushed it over his shoulder blade. He didn't even flinch.
"Paul," I said quietly. "Paul, I know you're awake."
Actually, I didn't know. I was just making an educated guess. Which turned out to be right, since he turned back over, so he was lying on his back. Staring at the ceiling again. Looking like a stone statue.
"You've been dreaming of him, haven't you?" Paul said suddenly. "You know more than you let on."
"Paul-"
"You still love him. More than…more than you could ever love me."
He sounded so sad…I guess I just kind of…I don't know. I just, maybe, loved him a little then. I mean, I can't complain too much about the way he's treated me, and after seeing into his mind like that…
So I kind of leaned over, and rested my head on his chest. This surprised him, you know, cause I usually stay on the opposite end of the bed from him. I don't do open affection. Not like this.
So for a whole minute, he was kind of tense, until I slid my right had over his abdomen, in a soothing way. Then his arms came up over my back, and he just held me. I could hear his heart shuddering in his chest. I never heard his heart. Proof that he had one.
Maybe…maybe I didn't need Jesse. Jesse was such a jerk to me…but, Paul made him that way…it was all Paul…and yet…
"Suze," he murmured, sounding on the brink of sleep. "I'm sorry…"
I shut my eyes, trying to hold the tears in, but they slid out anyway, right onto his chest.
"I'm sorry I couldn't have been better for you…and maybe…maybe he is the better man."
My grip tightened around him convulsively, and a choked sob escaped me. Why? Why?! I should be rejoicing! So why did I feel like *shit?
I felt his hand slip under my chin, and he lifted my head up to face him. He was crying, too. And smiling at me so sweetly. His lips trembling, like he was trying to stay strong.
"I'm…" His voice sounded so strange, so weak. "I'm setting you…free, Suze. You can leave the castle…if you want. I…I won't stop you."
I swallowed, and closed my eyes against the pain on his face.
"I can't break the bonds between us, Suze. They will always be there, you understand? Demon marriage is forever…but…but you can still leave."
I nodded. I didn't open my eyes. I had always thought…that he couldn't cry.
"Please-please, look at me."
I opened my eyes, seeing him through a haze of salty tears. His lips still trembling, holding that smile that looked like it would break any second. So fragile.
"I will always love you…" he let out what sounded like a cough, but what I think must have been a sob that he was trying to hold in. "…Suzie…"
Suzie. He had never called me that. Somehow, though…I didn't mind.
"I-I-" What was I supposed to say? Now that I understood… "I-I do-love you…"
That did it.
Paul did another one of those muffled sobs, then grabbed me, pulling me against him almost viciously.
And then…just holding me.
I could feel his tears falling into my hair, but I didn't mind. I just held onto him. I didn't know if maybe that confession made it worse for him. But maybe it didn't. Maybe it was all he ever needed to hear.
But did I love Paul?
Yes…in a different way than Jesse…
Yes, I did.
***************************
It was the strangest thing…finding out that all those people I remembered…were still alive. Father Dominic and Cee Cee…who was married to that Adam fellow…and even those three boys, who Susannah had affectionately named Sleepy, Dopey and Doc. Now of course, grown men. Spike…Spike the cat. Old and fat, but still hanging on, and still remembering me. Her parents…or, rather, her mother and stepfather…had apparently being killed when their house collapsed during an earthquake.
An earthquake caused by Paul.
I had found out a lot, being free for a week. About S.H.I.T (I still have trouble not laughing when someone says that name). It was actually a massive organization, spread over the world, kept secret from the demon police. Millions of humans, angels, and demons alike, all opposed Paul's unjust rule. Constantly growing, constantly recruiting members.
And of I course I, being the strongest being in the world, right next to the little bastard himself, was one of its key members.
Paul had ravaged the world. I was actually shocked into silence when I had first glimpsed his "kingdom". A world of black and red, cracked and barren deserts, and miserable, sparse towns and cities. Few human cities were left. The ones that remained were day by day being destroyed by demons, forcing most of the humans to live the lives of nomads.
It was truly sick, what he had done to this world.
Currently, I was at a bar in the capitol city. The capitol city-known as "Hell Mountain". Known as such because the enormous mountain that rose from its center was actually the castle. The castle where the little bastard and…and she lived. The castle where I had been kept prisoner.
Hell Mountain was the only city left on earth that actually looked like a city. In fact, looking at this one city, you would think the earth was incredibly prosperous. It was sleek and futuristic, most buildings made of a strange metal that resembled glass. The cars seemed to hover above the ground. I was here in what they called an "air bike", basically a motorcycle that…well, that hovered. I still wasn't completely used to the controls.
Hell Mountain was party city. Seriously. The demons held massive raves 24/7. It always seemed to be nighttime…the sky being the scorched red color that it was. The sun seemed like only a distant, slightly discolored beach ball in the sky…it barely gave off any light. Or rather, barely any light got through the atmosphere and reached the ground.
I would have loved to participate in one of the roughly eleven thousand raves taking place right now. They looked so…fun.
But I was here on business. Business that I didn't really want to be on.
What I was supposed to be doing was circling the castle and noting any details that would be helpful in our plans to storm it, namely, alternate entrances (of which there were hundreds) and, hopefully, a window. Of which there were none.
What I actually was doing was sitting in this smoky and crowded bar, drinking myself into oblivion. Oblivion wasn't coming.
I was the only "agent" they would dare to send into Hell Mountain. Basically because I was the only one with a chance of survival if caught. They seemed to have forgotten the fact that I was currently number one on Paul's "Most Wanted" list. But nobody was noticing me. The only attentions I had been getting were from lady demons, who openly expressed their interest in me.
I was thinking about it. Thinking about leaving this bar with one of them. They all wanted the same thing. In fact, they probably wouldn't have minded if I took them all on at the same time. I could have easily handled them.
I took another swig of the drink they had given me, supposedly their strongest, but not strong enough.
Drugs, *sex, and evil. That was what this city was all about. It was a place I could easily get used to…if only I could forget who lived in that castle at its center.
Emptying my fourteenth glass, I said, "Another one."
The bartender eyed me, then said, "Hey, nobody's ever taken more than ten of those without passing out. I don't think-"
He was cut off as I reached out, grabbed his hair, and slammed his face into the countertop, all in one swift motion. "I said, I want another one. You will give me another one."
I spread my wings slightly, knowing full well that they were an impressive sight…much larger than most other demons.
The bar went nearly silent. Maybe it was because of my voice. Things like this were common in bars, after all. But my voice was the way it always was when I was angry. Two different voices, demonically intertwined. The two sides of my soul.
The bartender whimpered pathetically in affirmation, and I let go. Ten seconds later, another drink was in front of me, the contents still sloshing around from the bartender's shaking hands. Aware that the entire room seemed to be focused on me, I spun around on the stool, downed the entire glass at once, then stood up to leave. As I was going through the doorway, I turned, gave a sadistic grin, flashing my fangs, and every single glass of alcohol, soda, water, and ice tea that was sitting on the tables exploded, raining glass and liquids through the room in a fine mist of destruction. I reveled in the unanimous cry of fear that issued as I tucked my wings back into place, jammed my hands into my pockets, and blended into the crowd out on the sidewalk.
It was good to let loose every once in a while.
It was close to midnight when I reached my air bike, having taken a long detour around the city. It was pleasant to walk through the city at night. The loud music blaring from every club, the screams of pain and ecstasy echoing from nearly every house, the women on the corners offering themselves, for a price. Most of them, in a desperate attempt to get me to screw them, told me they would give me a great discount. I got jealous looks from other male demons walking by when they would say this. But of course, I would always politely decline.
They were too disgusting to be enjoyable.
In fact, nearly every woman I spotted seemed…wrong, somehow. Too fat, too skinny, too loose, too prudish. Okay, I'll admit it…I was a horny little bastard. Or big bastard, I should say. But…not for these women. I couldn't seem to find the perfect woman.
Well, I knew one woman I wouldn't mind screwing. But she was unavailable.
As I mounted the air bike, my shirt opened slightly, and the chain around my neck fell out. I looked around quickly, almost embarrassed, like anyone here would really understand what the ring hanging on the chain was.
It was my weakness. I couldn't get rid of the damned thing, so I kept it hidden from sight.
I shoved it roughly back into my shirt, and started the engine. It came to life with an angry roar that was music to my ears, and I took off down the street, ignoring the rules and taking the road the way I wanted. Darting in between hover cars, dodging traffic, and basically breaking every single law.
Ignoring the obscene things that angry drivers were yelling at me, I spread my wings as wide as they would go. I grinned in delight as this silenced most of the drivers. My wingspan nearly encompassed the entire road, which was about five lanes. It was a glorious feeling, casting my dark shadow over all these brainless fools, passing them so easily, going to fast. A strong wind caught my wings, and I was "hover sailing", a game I made up to amuse myself. The air bike leaped and glided right over all the traffic, the wind carrying me through the air as if I were just a feather.
I was having a Hell of a good time!
Then I heard the sirens behind me.
This was my favorite part of the game.
I whirled around to face them, stopping myself in midair. The patrol cars skidded to a stop. Surprised. I guess they weren't used to criminals surrendering so quickly.
As if.
There were two of them. Perfect.
I hiked up the handlebars, pressed the gas, and flapped my powerful wings, once. These three actions sent me thundering directly at the patrols so quickly that they didn't realize what was happening until my wings whipped past them, the subsequent air disturbance sending their cars into out-of-control spins. I slowed down long enough to hear the satisfying crashes, then, with a whoop of pure unadulterated joy, I continued my rampage of the city.
Anything to forget.
****************************
Here I was, exactly one week after Jesse's mysterious escape, getting ready to leave sheltered life I've lived. Getting ready to be free.
Was it because of Jesse? Was I leaving to follow him? I guess, deep down, I still had hope. Hope that…something could change. That something could be like it used to be. Though I doubted it ever would.
I think I could honestly say that I just wanted to get out of this place. Despite my newfound soft spot for Paul, I really couldn't stand this castle anymore. I wanted to breathe fresh air again, to see the sun shining down on me, to feel grass beneath my feet. Maybe someday, after I've been burned yet again by Jesse, I'd come back. Paul would be here. Maybe, amazingly, it would turn out that he was the one all along. Though I cared about him…I seriously hoped it never came to that.
"Where are we going, Mommy?" Rose asked from behind me. Her voice sounded a little sad, but when I turned around to look at her, her face was completely emotionless.
"I'm not sure," I said. "Just…away. Maybe we can find one of my old friends to stay with or something."
I turned back to the suitcase I had been trying to force shut. "Why-won't-this-damn-thing-CLOSE!"
On the word close, I threw all my weight onto it. But it still remained annoyingly wide open.
"Allow me," came Paul's voice.
I whipped around to face him. His face was amazingly cheerful. Without a word, I stepped aside. He pushed the suitcase shut with one hand with what looked like very little effort, and zipped it up with the other.
"Um-thanks," I said awkwardly. Well, it was kind of awkward. If you consider what happened last night.
"No problem," he said, and picked up the suitcase. "Is there anything else I can do? You know-book a hotel somewhere, send guards, give you money, maybe you'd like me to-"
"Paul," is said. "Really…I mean, if I needed your help, I would ask. I have enough money already, believe me. We'll be fine."
He pursed his lips, but said nothing.
He walked us to the main hall. There, we were met by Bonnie, who also had a suitcase packed, and was sporting a very grim expression.
"Bonnie, you're not coming," I said firmly.
"Yes, I am," Bonnie said defiantly.
Paul put my suitcase down, and made a move to smack her for her insolence, but I grabbed his arm and gave him a hard look. He relaxed, but still looked at Bonnie like he would have loved very much to knock her head off her shoulders.
"I won't abandon you and the Princess," Bonnie said simply. "Not because of my duties, but because…because I care about the both of you."
Well, that was shocking. Bonnie had always taken care of us, but she had never given any sign that she saw us as anything other than her income. I eyed her, then said, "Well, as long as you don't start getting too…helpful, or anything. I mean, I want to be independent, you know? I don't want someone spoon feeding me or anything."
Bonnie smiled. "Of course not, your Highness."
"And don't call me "Highness". Especially not in public. Call me Suze."
Paul looked like he was about to say something about this, but I headed him off at the pass. "And no punishment will come to you, because that is a strict order from me. I expect it to be obeyed."
"Yes, Suze," Bonnie said, seemingly comfortable in saying my name. Like she'd been practicing all night…which I didn't doubt.
I grabbed Rose's hand. She looked at me with trust in her eyes, and I smiled at her reassuringly. Then I looked at Paul.
I remembered those tears, that trembling smile. That sea of sadness. The love in his "non-existent" heart.
I reached out a hand, and gently caressed his cheek. "Don't worry, Paul. We'll…see each other again."
Paul looked directly at me, and I saw so many things in his cold eyes. Well…they weren't quite as cold as usual. They held a sort of quiet desperation.
"Maybe," was all he said. He knew I was going to look for Jesse. He knew there was a good chance I would never come back.
There was something else in his eyes, though. Almost like…I was about to find out something that he had been hiding from me. Like he was wondering what I would think of him after I knew. Don't ask me how I knew this. It was just there, as plain as his nose. Maybe it was something I had picked up from his mind.
Paul bowed slightly, looking almost detached from the entire situation, then turned abruptly, and walked away. He walked quickly, efficiently, without looking back. Boots clicking, cape flowing, wings held out slightly, as if trying to protect himself from something. He disappeared into the darkness of the castle, and was gone.
Gone.
Now…why did I feel kind of like crying?
I looked at Rose again, swallowed the grief, knowing that I had to be strong. Bonnie was right behind me. She was following Rose and I simply because she cared. That thought alone gave me some strength. And…and Rose was coming just because she trusted me.
I was ready to step into the real world.
But when the front gate was finally opened, and I took that big, elusive step…I realized what it was Paul had been hiding from me all along.
A/N: Was anybody not expecting that scene with Paul? Me neither. I just looked back at what I wrote and was like, "Whoa, that's weird."
Thanks for reading, and REVIEW!!!
TTFN
Rebirth-Chapter 4
I trapped again in the dark swirl of light and shadows, of strangely compelling and disturbing demon dances. I was drowning in his eyes. It was the same dream, playing over and over again in my head for the last week, ever since I betrayed him. Only…he hated me so much more. And I hated myself, too.
"The Queen of Light will fall to the Darkness in her Heart."
I was pulled from the nightmare, sweaty and tangled in the satin bed sheets, by a gentle shake.
"Suze," he was whispering through the darkness. "Suze, wake up."
I opened my eyes, and it took a minute to realize that I was back in reality. And that the face hovering in my field of vision was looking at me with concern, not disgust.
"You were having that nightmare again, weren't you?" Paul said, his hand softly massaging my shoulder, trying to relax me a little.
I nodded. Looking past him, at the ceiling.
"Why can't you just tell me what the dream is about, Suze?"
"Why can't you just read my mind and find out?" I whispered back. "…I don't want to talk about it. But feel free to help yourself to my private thoughts."
Paul grimaced. "Suze, I already told you-"
"That you can't read my mind anymore for some reason."
Paul nodded. "It's weird." He fell back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. The sheet slipped off of him the slightest bit. Enough for me to see his bare chest. For some reason, this reminded me of Jesse. Everything reminded me of Jesse. He was haunting me.
"It's like there's a wall around your mind…" Paul said, sounding like he was encountering something strange and new, which he was. "Never…never. I can see everyone else's mind…except yours and Rose's. Like something is shielding you from me…"
He didn't know I knew about Jesse. I never told him. And after Jesse left, that was when he lost his ability to read my particular mind. So I had an idea of what was keeping my mind closed away. But if it was what I thought it was, then Jesse was alive somewhere. And he was way more powerful than Paul. Because to my knowledge, Paul couldn't shield minds from long distances. He did it at diplomatic meetings and stuff, to keep the ambassadors from hearing my…less than complimentary thoughts about him. But he never did it from more than a room away. And I think he's tried.
I was aware of the fact, however, that Jesse had apparently escaped. Paul only referred to him as "a dangerous demon". An escaped "dangerous demon".
Which was way weird…because I had seen those Keepers carry him away.
But I had a feeling that Paul was thinking the same thing. That Jesse was doing it. Only he thought Jesse was doing it just to make him mad. I think he was doing it because…well, not to say that he cares about me, or anything…but because Paul would be very angry with me and Rose it he learned about our encounters with Jesse.
But no, Jesse doesn't care about me. He made that quite clear.
I didn't even feel the tear come out of my eye. But Paul turned to look at me, and he saw it. And there it was, sliding down my cheek. He reached out and wiped it away.
For the first time in seven years, there was no need for me to worry for my thoughts being given away. My mind was my own. At least I could thank Jesse for that much.
So when Paul said, in that loving tone that made me wonder who was really the bad guy whenever he used it, "What's wrong, love?", I was able to lie very confidently.
"Nothing, just…" The legendary liar is about to make her triumphant return here, folks! "…I just got something stuck in my eye."
And without my mind out in the open like a book-a book with a 100 size font-Paul bought my little lie with absolutely no doubts. You have no idea how proud I was of myself.
Hey, it may seem like a stupid victory to you other people. But just think…seven years without being able to get away with even the smallest lie…
So Paul smiled at me, completely oblivious. Just smiled at me in a truly heartwarming way. "I could never cry when I was a kid," he said suddenly, completely out of the blue. "One time, my eyes got wet while I was yawning…you know how that happens sometimes…and my father beat me to within an inch of my life."
Okay…Paul never showed me this side of him. And I really didn't know what to make of it. So I just stared at him in a kind of shocked silence. Then I said, "Um…wow, what a jerk."
Paul's smile was still planted, disturbingly pleasant, on his face, even as he went on. "I never told it to anyone…but I used to cry, anyway. At night…when no one would see me, you know? It was just…just too much sometimes for a little kid. All of it. Being expected to be perfect. Being forced to kill. All part of my training, to rule the universe, to be heartless."
I sensed he kind of just needed to say this, without anyone interrupting, so I restrained myself from telling him that the training must have worked pretty well.
"He made me kill some of my best friends… 'The perfect king has no heart!' he said. Funny…but when I was holding him in my arms, slowly killing him…he cried. He cried for mercy. But he never gave me any mercy."
I felt a surge of pity fill me. Really…I had no idea. Suddenly, the situation seemed very intimate. You know, us lying side by side, facing one another, naked except for the sheets…not meaning that in a sexual way, but more of an emotional way. His hand was still stroking my cheek, and he was still smiling in that odd way. I figured that if I could see into his mind just then, I would see he wasn't really in much a smiling mood.
"Do you still cry?" I said, without even realizing I was about to speak until the words tumbled out of my mouth.
And suddenly, I could see into his mind. And I was right, he wasn't in a smiling mood. He had never opened up to me this way.
I was seeing him, as a little boy, running down a dark hall, fighting tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. There was a dark shadow chasing him. But I doubted it was really there, rather, I think it was the shadow chasing his mind.
It was just…just so sad. A sweeping sea of sadness. That was the only way to describe what it felt like to be inside his mind. A vast, never ending sea, with some cold spots of rage, and other, even rarer spots of happiness. I, of course, was attracted to one of the warm spots…and, unfortunately for me, this spot happened to contain memories of me.
I saw myself, standing there, smiling, looking…beautiful. More than beautiful. Like a goddess. It wasn't what I saw when I looked in the mirror. It was so…perfect. It was the way Paul saw me. I was seeing myself through his eyes.
Then I was overwhelmed with a sense of helpless and unrequited…love. I saw the image of me turn angry. Hating me. Still so beautiful…and I felt myself wanting that beautiful creature that was supposed to be me…to just…care. Just a little. Just to want me back. I felt the horrible love, the pain tightening in my chest…and I couldn't breathe.
I reeled away from the memories of me, wanting to get away, but I was lost in his mind. I wasn't in the bedroom anymore. And without even realizing it, I was sucked into one of the areas of swirling hate.
Like a whirlpool.
In it, I saw Jesse. Simply, just, Jesse. Then I was there, too, and Jesse and I were kissing, lovingly. It was so strange, watching us kiss like that. Then the air turned red with fury, and Jesse opened his eyes and winked mischievously, as if purposely challenging me to stop him. Then he was touching that image of me, and I was subjecting to him. I was watching Jesse make love to me, and all I wanted to do was rip his head off. Then I passed a soft spot, and the air turned icy cold as the image of me, beneath Jesse, turned to me and laughed. Laughed at me.
Then Rose was there. Standing there in her pretty little blue dress, smiling at me.
And I wanted to kill her.
I was screaming, I wanted to get out of this place of haunting memories. I didn't want to love Paul, I didn't want to care about him. I didn't want to think that he had feelings, that he had a heart. I just wanted to see him as an animal…
And then something pushed me out and away, very quickly, so quickly I was slightly dizzy. And then I was staring at Paul's face again. His mind was closed to me.
He was looking at me hard. Eyeing me warily.
I had seen too much.
Then, without a word, he rolled over, away from me.
For a long time, I just stared at his muscular back. Thinking about what I had seen. I reached out a hand, tentatively, and lightly brushed it over his shoulder blade. He didn't even flinch.
"Paul," I said quietly. "Paul, I know you're awake."
Actually, I didn't know. I was just making an educated guess. Which turned out to be right, since he turned back over, so he was lying on his back. Staring at the ceiling again. Looking like a stone statue.
"You've been dreaming of him, haven't you?" Paul said suddenly. "You know more than you let on."
"Paul-"
"You still love him. More than…more than you could ever love me."
He sounded so sad…I guess I just kind of…I don't know. I just, maybe, loved him a little then. I mean, I can't complain too much about the way he's treated me, and after seeing into his mind like that…
So I kind of leaned over, and rested my head on his chest. This surprised him, you know, cause I usually stay on the opposite end of the bed from him. I don't do open affection. Not like this.
So for a whole minute, he was kind of tense, until I slid my right had over his abdomen, in a soothing way. Then his arms came up over my back, and he just held me. I could hear his heart shuddering in his chest. I never heard his heart. Proof that he had one.
Maybe…maybe I didn't need Jesse. Jesse was such a jerk to me…but, Paul made him that way…it was all Paul…and yet…
"Suze," he murmured, sounding on the brink of sleep. "I'm sorry…"
I shut my eyes, trying to hold the tears in, but they slid out anyway, right onto his chest.
"I'm sorry I couldn't have been better for you…and maybe…maybe he is the better man."
My grip tightened around him convulsively, and a choked sob escaped me. Why? Why?! I should be rejoicing! So why did I feel like *shit?
I felt his hand slip under my chin, and he lifted my head up to face him. He was crying, too. And smiling at me so sweetly. His lips trembling, like he was trying to stay strong.
"I'm…" His voice sounded so strange, so weak. "I'm setting you…free, Suze. You can leave the castle…if you want. I…I won't stop you."
I swallowed, and closed my eyes against the pain on his face.
"I can't break the bonds between us, Suze. They will always be there, you understand? Demon marriage is forever…but…but you can still leave."
I nodded. I didn't open my eyes. I had always thought…that he couldn't cry.
"Please-please, look at me."
I opened my eyes, seeing him through a haze of salty tears. His lips still trembling, holding that smile that looked like it would break any second. So fragile.
"I will always love you…" he let out what sounded like a cough, but what I think must have been a sob that he was trying to hold in. "…Suzie…"
Suzie. He had never called me that. Somehow, though…I didn't mind.
"I-I-" What was I supposed to say? Now that I understood… "I-I do-love you…"
That did it.
Paul did another one of those muffled sobs, then grabbed me, pulling me against him almost viciously.
And then…just holding me.
I could feel his tears falling into my hair, but I didn't mind. I just held onto him. I didn't know if maybe that confession made it worse for him. But maybe it didn't. Maybe it was all he ever needed to hear.
But did I love Paul?
Yes…in a different way than Jesse…
Yes, I did.
***************************
It was the strangest thing…finding out that all those people I remembered…were still alive. Father Dominic and Cee Cee…who was married to that Adam fellow…and even those three boys, who Susannah had affectionately named Sleepy, Dopey and Doc. Now of course, grown men. Spike…Spike the cat. Old and fat, but still hanging on, and still remembering me. Her parents…or, rather, her mother and stepfather…had apparently being killed when their house collapsed during an earthquake.
An earthquake caused by Paul.
I had found out a lot, being free for a week. About S.H.I.T (I still have trouble not laughing when someone says that name). It was actually a massive organization, spread over the world, kept secret from the demon police. Millions of humans, angels, and demons alike, all opposed Paul's unjust rule. Constantly growing, constantly recruiting members.
And of I course I, being the strongest being in the world, right next to the little bastard himself, was one of its key members.
Paul had ravaged the world. I was actually shocked into silence when I had first glimpsed his "kingdom". A world of black and red, cracked and barren deserts, and miserable, sparse towns and cities. Few human cities were left. The ones that remained were day by day being destroyed by demons, forcing most of the humans to live the lives of nomads.
It was truly sick, what he had done to this world.
Currently, I was at a bar in the capitol city. The capitol city-known as "Hell Mountain". Known as such because the enormous mountain that rose from its center was actually the castle. The castle where the little bastard and…and she lived. The castle where I had been kept prisoner.
Hell Mountain was the only city left on earth that actually looked like a city. In fact, looking at this one city, you would think the earth was incredibly prosperous. It was sleek and futuristic, most buildings made of a strange metal that resembled glass. The cars seemed to hover above the ground. I was here in what they called an "air bike", basically a motorcycle that…well, that hovered. I still wasn't completely used to the controls.
Hell Mountain was party city. Seriously. The demons held massive raves 24/7. It always seemed to be nighttime…the sky being the scorched red color that it was. The sun seemed like only a distant, slightly discolored beach ball in the sky…it barely gave off any light. Or rather, barely any light got through the atmosphere and reached the ground.
I would have loved to participate in one of the roughly eleven thousand raves taking place right now. They looked so…fun.
But I was here on business. Business that I didn't really want to be on.
What I was supposed to be doing was circling the castle and noting any details that would be helpful in our plans to storm it, namely, alternate entrances (of which there were hundreds) and, hopefully, a window. Of which there were none.
What I actually was doing was sitting in this smoky and crowded bar, drinking myself into oblivion. Oblivion wasn't coming.
I was the only "agent" they would dare to send into Hell Mountain. Basically because I was the only one with a chance of survival if caught. They seemed to have forgotten the fact that I was currently number one on Paul's "Most Wanted" list. But nobody was noticing me. The only attentions I had been getting were from lady demons, who openly expressed their interest in me.
I was thinking about it. Thinking about leaving this bar with one of them. They all wanted the same thing. In fact, they probably wouldn't have minded if I took them all on at the same time. I could have easily handled them.
I took another swig of the drink they had given me, supposedly their strongest, but not strong enough.
Drugs, *sex, and evil. That was what this city was all about. It was a place I could easily get used to…if only I could forget who lived in that castle at its center.
Emptying my fourteenth glass, I said, "Another one."
The bartender eyed me, then said, "Hey, nobody's ever taken more than ten of those without passing out. I don't think-"
He was cut off as I reached out, grabbed his hair, and slammed his face into the countertop, all in one swift motion. "I said, I want another one. You will give me another one."
I spread my wings slightly, knowing full well that they were an impressive sight…much larger than most other demons.
The bar went nearly silent. Maybe it was because of my voice. Things like this were common in bars, after all. But my voice was the way it always was when I was angry. Two different voices, demonically intertwined. The two sides of my soul.
The bartender whimpered pathetically in affirmation, and I let go. Ten seconds later, another drink was in front of me, the contents still sloshing around from the bartender's shaking hands. Aware that the entire room seemed to be focused on me, I spun around on the stool, downed the entire glass at once, then stood up to leave. As I was going through the doorway, I turned, gave a sadistic grin, flashing my fangs, and every single glass of alcohol, soda, water, and ice tea that was sitting on the tables exploded, raining glass and liquids through the room in a fine mist of destruction. I reveled in the unanimous cry of fear that issued as I tucked my wings back into place, jammed my hands into my pockets, and blended into the crowd out on the sidewalk.
It was good to let loose every once in a while.
It was close to midnight when I reached my air bike, having taken a long detour around the city. It was pleasant to walk through the city at night. The loud music blaring from every club, the screams of pain and ecstasy echoing from nearly every house, the women on the corners offering themselves, for a price. Most of them, in a desperate attempt to get me to screw them, told me they would give me a great discount. I got jealous looks from other male demons walking by when they would say this. But of course, I would always politely decline.
They were too disgusting to be enjoyable.
In fact, nearly every woman I spotted seemed…wrong, somehow. Too fat, too skinny, too loose, too prudish. Okay, I'll admit it…I was a horny little bastard. Or big bastard, I should say. But…not for these women. I couldn't seem to find the perfect woman.
Well, I knew one woman I wouldn't mind screwing. But she was unavailable.
As I mounted the air bike, my shirt opened slightly, and the chain around my neck fell out. I looked around quickly, almost embarrassed, like anyone here would really understand what the ring hanging on the chain was.
It was my weakness. I couldn't get rid of the damned thing, so I kept it hidden from sight.
I shoved it roughly back into my shirt, and started the engine. It came to life with an angry roar that was music to my ears, and I took off down the street, ignoring the rules and taking the road the way I wanted. Darting in between hover cars, dodging traffic, and basically breaking every single law.
Ignoring the obscene things that angry drivers were yelling at me, I spread my wings as wide as they would go. I grinned in delight as this silenced most of the drivers. My wingspan nearly encompassed the entire road, which was about five lanes. It was a glorious feeling, casting my dark shadow over all these brainless fools, passing them so easily, going to fast. A strong wind caught my wings, and I was "hover sailing", a game I made up to amuse myself. The air bike leaped and glided right over all the traffic, the wind carrying me through the air as if I were just a feather.
I was having a Hell of a good time!
Then I heard the sirens behind me.
This was my favorite part of the game.
I whirled around to face them, stopping myself in midair. The patrol cars skidded to a stop. Surprised. I guess they weren't used to criminals surrendering so quickly.
As if.
There were two of them. Perfect.
I hiked up the handlebars, pressed the gas, and flapped my powerful wings, once. These three actions sent me thundering directly at the patrols so quickly that they didn't realize what was happening until my wings whipped past them, the subsequent air disturbance sending their cars into out-of-control spins. I slowed down long enough to hear the satisfying crashes, then, with a whoop of pure unadulterated joy, I continued my rampage of the city.
Anything to forget.
****************************
Here I was, exactly one week after Jesse's mysterious escape, getting ready to leave sheltered life I've lived. Getting ready to be free.
Was it because of Jesse? Was I leaving to follow him? I guess, deep down, I still had hope. Hope that…something could change. That something could be like it used to be. Though I doubted it ever would.
I think I could honestly say that I just wanted to get out of this place. Despite my newfound soft spot for Paul, I really couldn't stand this castle anymore. I wanted to breathe fresh air again, to see the sun shining down on me, to feel grass beneath my feet. Maybe someday, after I've been burned yet again by Jesse, I'd come back. Paul would be here. Maybe, amazingly, it would turn out that he was the one all along. Though I cared about him…I seriously hoped it never came to that.
"Where are we going, Mommy?" Rose asked from behind me. Her voice sounded a little sad, but when I turned around to look at her, her face was completely emotionless.
"I'm not sure," I said. "Just…away. Maybe we can find one of my old friends to stay with or something."
I turned back to the suitcase I had been trying to force shut. "Why-won't-this-damn-thing-CLOSE!"
On the word close, I threw all my weight onto it. But it still remained annoyingly wide open.
"Allow me," came Paul's voice.
I whipped around to face him. His face was amazingly cheerful. Without a word, I stepped aside. He pushed the suitcase shut with one hand with what looked like very little effort, and zipped it up with the other.
"Um-thanks," I said awkwardly. Well, it was kind of awkward. If you consider what happened last night.
"No problem," he said, and picked up the suitcase. "Is there anything else I can do? You know-book a hotel somewhere, send guards, give you money, maybe you'd like me to-"
"Paul," is said. "Really…I mean, if I needed your help, I would ask. I have enough money already, believe me. We'll be fine."
He pursed his lips, but said nothing.
He walked us to the main hall. There, we were met by Bonnie, who also had a suitcase packed, and was sporting a very grim expression.
"Bonnie, you're not coming," I said firmly.
"Yes, I am," Bonnie said defiantly.
Paul put my suitcase down, and made a move to smack her for her insolence, but I grabbed his arm and gave him a hard look. He relaxed, but still looked at Bonnie like he would have loved very much to knock her head off her shoulders.
"I won't abandon you and the Princess," Bonnie said simply. "Not because of my duties, but because…because I care about the both of you."
Well, that was shocking. Bonnie had always taken care of us, but she had never given any sign that she saw us as anything other than her income. I eyed her, then said, "Well, as long as you don't start getting too…helpful, or anything. I mean, I want to be independent, you know? I don't want someone spoon feeding me or anything."
Bonnie smiled. "Of course not, your Highness."
"And don't call me "Highness". Especially not in public. Call me Suze."
Paul looked like he was about to say something about this, but I headed him off at the pass. "And no punishment will come to you, because that is a strict order from me. I expect it to be obeyed."
"Yes, Suze," Bonnie said, seemingly comfortable in saying my name. Like she'd been practicing all night…which I didn't doubt.
I grabbed Rose's hand. She looked at me with trust in her eyes, and I smiled at her reassuringly. Then I looked at Paul.
I remembered those tears, that trembling smile. That sea of sadness. The love in his "non-existent" heart.
I reached out a hand, and gently caressed his cheek. "Don't worry, Paul. We'll…see each other again."
Paul looked directly at me, and I saw so many things in his cold eyes. Well…they weren't quite as cold as usual. They held a sort of quiet desperation.
"Maybe," was all he said. He knew I was going to look for Jesse. He knew there was a good chance I would never come back.
There was something else in his eyes, though. Almost like…I was about to find out something that he had been hiding from me. Like he was wondering what I would think of him after I knew. Don't ask me how I knew this. It was just there, as plain as his nose. Maybe it was something I had picked up from his mind.
Paul bowed slightly, looking almost detached from the entire situation, then turned abruptly, and walked away. He walked quickly, efficiently, without looking back. Boots clicking, cape flowing, wings held out slightly, as if trying to protect himself from something. He disappeared into the darkness of the castle, and was gone.
Gone.
Now…why did I feel kind of like crying?
I looked at Rose again, swallowed the grief, knowing that I had to be strong. Bonnie was right behind me. She was following Rose and I simply because she cared. That thought alone gave me some strength. And…and Rose was coming just because she trusted me.
I was ready to step into the real world.
But when the front gate was finally opened, and I took that big, elusive step…I realized what it was Paul had been hiding from me all along.
A/N: Was anybody not expecting that scene with Paul? Me neither. I just looked back at what I wrote and was like, "Whoa, that's weird."
Thanks for reading, and REVIEW!!!
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