Okay, so maybe not that dramatic, but it was pretty nerve racking. Considering the fact that he hadn't talked to me since the graveyard scene. Am I really that bad a kisser? Paul obviously doesn't think so. He takes any opportunity he can get to stick his tongue in my mouth. Or try anyway. But maybe that was just Paul being a jerk. You know. Just another way to get to me. Or Jesse. Not that he seems to care. Or even notice if truth be told. And yet there he was, leaning against the old stone door frame. And may I take this opportunity to add, he did not look pleased. I guess Paul must have noticed him as well. He called out my name a couple of times; but seemed to give up when I didn't answer.
I was determined to get this over and done with. The me-and-Jesse thing I mean. If he decides not to see me anymore then I won't care. At all. In fact I'll be glad. I'll throw a big 'Get Lost Jesse' party in his honor. Or maybe I'd just do it to spite him. Him and his stupid relationship rules. I mean-HELLO- this is the 21st century!I so need to buy him a Christina Aguilera album. Then he might actually realize that girls aren't the delicate little buttercups he seems to want to protect. Or rather I am not a delicate little buttercup he has to protect. God, my life sucks.
"Hey" I said when he got within hearing distance. And when everyone else was out of it of course. It was bad enough explaining why I spoke to myself last time. At least then I had an excuse though. There was enough beer at Brads' party to fill a hot tub. Which incidentally is what I ended up falling in. I found out later that it had been Jesse who'd dragged me out. Not that anyone else knew that. All they saw was me being pulled out of the murky water by some invisible force. Most of them managed to convince themselves it was the drink, and appropriately forgot anything paranormal about that day. Except the fact I'd been talking to myself. It had taken me weeks to convince everyone that I'd been talking to Paul (a HUGE lie can often take the heat. I told them Jesse was my nick-name for him. No-one knew any different. Except Cee-Cee and Adam of course)
At this close a distance I could see Jesse in more detail. From his close cropped black hair, all the way down to his 18th century riding boots. I gulped at the sight. He truly was a god.
"Hello Susannah" he replied in his silky voice. The one that always managed to make my heart do little flip-flops, and pulse speed up. He looked kind of tired. Like he was doing something he really didn't want to do, but knew he had to do it anyway. It made me even more nervous. Why was he looking at me like that?
"Father Dominic told me to give you this" he continued. He handed me a little brass rimmed book, with the words DIARY clearly stamped across its leather surface. But I felt a little light turn on in my head. Father Dominic. Oh god, I have a bad feeling about this.
"What's going on Jesse?" I asked in a voice that I hardly recognized as my own. It was filled with all the emotion I'd tried so desperately to keep inside these past few weeks. I saw Jesses' eyes flare up at the hurt in my face. I was in so much pain. Why couldn't he just see that I loved him. Had always loved him for that matter. He didn't even have the excuse of not knowing any more. I'd told him for crying out loud!
"Susannah" he said reaching out and touching my face. I was too worked up though. I pushed him away, with tears catching in my eyes. I would not let him see me cry. I'd promised myself. God, I am such a loser. Now he's going to know that I was crying about him. That's the only reason I can think of to explain what I did next. Which was throw him into the row of lockers and storm off.
I am such a loser.
I kind of wish I'd found out what he was going to tell me now. I was just so determined to get away from Jesse before I stared blubbering, or he told me he was leaving. Which would ignite a similar reaction from me, that I couldn't think of anything other than hitting him and running away. Now that I'm looking back on it, it does seem rather childish. Like something I would do to Paul if he tried to grab me. In my defense, I was only trying to do the right thing. Cause I know, if I'd let him touch me, I'd be gone. And then I'd have to explain to everyone, why I'd made a pass at thin air. THAT would be embarrassing. Not that I'd mind if he kissed me back. But I've had too much experience to expect something like that. He probably just came to tell me that Father Dom wanted me. Oh god. I hope that isn't what he came to say. I must look like such a baby. Men. Why do I even bother?