Dsiclaimer : I own nothing blah blah blah
THE KNEE TREMBLER
Chapter 9 : The baby finally turns up, much to Draco's pant-wetting terror
Hermione and Draco were sitting in the library. Hermione was reading a book about advanced potions, or something equally dull, as was her way.
''Ow.''
Draco looked up from his book, which was entitled ''1001 Ways To Commit Suicide''.
''What's the matter with you now?''he said, an eyebrow raised.
''Oww . . .'' Hermione clutched her stomach and gave a groan of pain.
Draco paled. He knew what was happening and he was very close to wetting his pants with the horror of it all.
Hermione gave a shriek as her waters broke. Draco was sick.
''Draco! The baby's coming!''she wailed.
''And I am leaving conciousness right about now,''said Draco, who promptly passed out moments later and fell off his chair with a thump.
Hermione looked at Draco with an expression of complete disgust and bewilderment. In her annoyance, she kicked him in the kidneys and made for the hills ( not literally, as there are few hills inside Hogwarts, so I imagine ).
To her profound sense of bad luck, the halls were more or less deserted. She gave another wail of pain and slumped against the wall, inwardly cursing sex, men, babies and everything to do with those things. Then, she saw a flash of red hair and gave a manic grin.
It was Ron's turn to have bad luck now. He saw the heavily pregnant Hermione lurch towards him, in a way that was strangely remincant of a sea-lion. He opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He tried to run, but managed to fall arse over tit on to the floor. Hermione slumped down next to him and started shrieking.
''Oh my god . . .Ron . . .I'm having a baby . . .''she wailed.
''You only just noticed?''said Ron, who still had a look of wild terror in his eyes. ''What do you want me to do about it??''
''I need you to help me!''cried Hermione. ''Draco's passed out in the library, and he's no good to me there.''
''He's no good to anybody, anywhere, at any time,''pointed out Ron.
Hermione shook Ron roughly. ''Help me, you pointless ginger freak!!''she screamed. ''I'm in pain dammit!!!''
Ron gave a loud and girlish scream, then covered his face with his hands. ''Stop shouting at me! You're fat and pregnant and it's scaring me, ok??''
In normal circumstances, Hermione would have battered Ron within an inch of his life, but these were not normal circumstances.
Ron managed to overcome his fear of messy pregnancies and help Hermione to the ward, where Madam Pomfrey set to work. Hermione was still shrieking like a banshee and was doing so in such a way that she had done to Ron what a million Metallica concerts had done to stupid metalheads who don't bring cotton wool with them.
''Ooooooh this is painfullllllll . . .''Hermione moaned.
''Well, it's going to take a while,''said Madam Pomfrey. ''So you may as well try and relax for the meantime.''
Hermione gave Madam Pomfrey a look that said ''I hope you explode''.
''How the hell do you expect me to relax when something the size of a melon is trying to get out of a hole the size of a kiwi??''Hermione spat.
Madam Pomfrey said nothing to Hermione, but turned to Ron instead. ''Do you think you could go and get the father in here? And maybe some more emotional support for Hermione . . . or maybe me?''
Ron nodded and left. He looked very pleased to be away from all this yucky baby-business. He found Draco wandering the halls looking dumbfounded and horrified beyond compare.
''Um . . Draco, you should probably come with me,''said Ron. ''Seeing as Hermione's giving birth and everything . . .''
Draco gave a little wail and walked headfirst into a wall after losing his sense of direction. ''Merghh . . .''he mumbled.
For a moment Ron thought that Draco was drunk, until he realised that Draco was actually too petrified right now to do anything right.
Draco started to twitch.
Ron knew what was coming next. Draco started to scream. Ah-ha - the screaming fit had arrived right on schedule.
''Draco, this is no time to be screaming like a girl. My eardrums are already damaged enough thanks to bloody Hermione, and the last thing I need it you nancying about squealing like a stuck pig.''
''I DON'T WANT TO HAVE KIDS!!!!'' Draco bawled.
Ron had no pity for him right now. ''Well, that's just tough shite, isn't it? You should've thought of that before you had sex.''
''But I couldn't think!''sobbed Draco. ''I was drunk . . . I was so drunk I was shocked that my Little Major actually worked . . '' He continued to rant and bawl in this vein for a good ten minutes, before Crabbe and Goyle came along.
''Has the whale come back?''asked Goyle, looking around warily.
Ron gave a deep sigh. ''No,''he said. ''Hermione's having a baby.''
''Wow,''said Crabbe. He sat down next to Draco, who was beating his fists against the cold, stone floor. ''How you feeling, Draco?''
Draco gave an anguished cry and turned Crabbe into a piece of smelly German cheese.
''With any luck a starving rat will eat him,''muttered Draco evilly. ''Although imagining how Crabbe must taste, it would have to be pretty close to death to sink that low.''
Ron looked at Draco blankly. ''Are you stoned or something??''he cried. ''Hermione's having your baby in there! Bloody hell! No wonder your parents hate you, you pointless waste of skin!''
Draco started to cry again. ''I wish everyone would stop calling me pointless!!''he wailed.
''You are pointless,''said Ron nastily. ''Now, get to the hospital ward now. Don't make me kick you.''
''But I don't want to . . .'' Draco said, lamely.
Ron gave Draco a sly kick in the ribs.
''Ooofff . ..''winced Draco, winded. ''Fine . . . I'll bloody well go . . .''
And then he limped relucantely down the corridor, following the screams that would lead him to Hermione.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Draco minced inside the hospital wing, to see Hermione screaming in pain. He turned around again, ready to run like the wind. Unfortunately it was too late - Hermione had seen him. He was fucked.
''I recommend you get here right now,''said Hermione, her voice as cold as liquid nitrogen.
''Is it really necessary?''said Draco, squirming.
Hermione gave Draco a look that could have melted cheese, and Draco sidled up to her.
''So,''he said, trying his best to be nice. ''How are you feeling, Hermione, old buddy, old pal?''
Hermione gave a load roar and Draco squealed like a girl. She smashed a small vase over his head and Draco screamed some more.
''You crazy bitch!''Draco wailed. ''What the hell was that for?? I was trying to be nice, for Christ's sake!''
Hermione gave a terrifying roar that meant ''Leave before I castrate you''. Draco made a little petrifed noise that can only be described as ''meep'' and left sharpish. He headed out into the corridor and gave a deep rattling sigh.
Harry turned up then. ''What's happening??''he cried. ''Has Hermione had the baby yet?''
Draco gave Harry a funny look. ''Yes, that's why I'm sitting out here by myself,''he said, sarcastically.
''Oh, cool,''said Harry. He went to walk into the ward.
''Not really, you imbecile,''said Draco, exasperatedly.
Harry stopped in his tracks. ''Oh,''he said. He took out his wand and conjured a chair in mid-air.
''Can I have a chair?''asked Draco.
Harry couldn't be bothered to argue and let him have one. They both slumped down onto they're respective chairs and stared blankly at the walls, trying they're best to block out the sounds of Hermione's cursings. Draco was doing particularly well at this part, as he had stuck his fingers in his ears whilst humming loudly to himself.
Harry looked over at Draco, deeply confused. ''You do realise that you're going to have to take your fingers out of your ears sooner or later,''he said.
''LA LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA!!!''
Harry raised an eyebrow. ''Fine, be that way,''he said.
Harry flicked his wand and a pile of magazines appeared. He gave a sigh and opened the first one, reading an article on laxatives. It wasn't particularly interesting . . . actually it was quite disturbing, but anything was better than watching Draco slip into dementia.
Hermione gave another scream. ''ARGGGHHHHHHHHH I HATE YOU DRACO MALFOY!!!!!!!!''
Harry winced and turned to see Draco's reaction. He had taken to beating his head against a wall, a vacant expression in his eyes. Harry thought momentraily about making him feel better and reassuring him that everything would be alright, but he was actually quite enjoying Draco batter himself, so he thought it best to just leave him to it. With a sly giggle, Harry went back to the laxative article.
Suddenly Ron appeared. He gave Draco a strange look.
''Draco, you do know that you're beating your head against a wall?''
''I know.''
''But you're beating - ''
''I *know*.''
Ron decided to ignore Draco, as he was being weird again. He turned to Harry.
''How's Hermione doing?''he said.
Harry didn't even look up from his magazine. ''She's as happy as Draco is,''he said.
Ron blinked. ''Oh,''he said. He left it at that.
Suddenly, for no other reason than the author thinks he's cool, Sirius Black popped out of nowhere.
''Wow! Sirius!''cried Harry, happily. ''What are you doing here?''
Sirius looked around, a very confused expression on his face. ''I honestly have no idea,''he said. ''One minute I was in my cave, happy as Larry, and then I was here.''
''Did you apparate?''said Ron.
''You can't apparate in Hogwarts, silly ginger person,''said Sirius. ''I just . . . turned up.''
''Oh,''said Harry.
''Well, now that I'm here,''said Sirius. ''I suppose I could try and offer Draco some advice.''
''And I suppose I could offer you a broom up your arse,''said Draco viciously.
Sirius backed away. ''He's nervous,''he whispered to Harry and Ron. Sirius rubbed his hands together. ''Well, seeing as we're all here, why don't we order a curry to pass the time?''
Ron started drooling and Harry moved slightly away. Draco continued to bang his head against the wall.
''That's a yes then!''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next chapter should be up in the next few days. I'm on study leave now so I have some extra time on my hands. Thanks for reviews!
Luv Lux
xox
THE KNEE TREMBLER
Chapter 9 : The baby finally turns up, much to Draco's pant-wetting terror
Hermione and Draco were sitting in the library. Hermione was reading a book about advanced potions, or something equally dull, as was her way.
''Ow.''
Draco looked up from his book, which was entitled ''1001 Ways To Commit Suicide''.
''What's the matter with you now?''he said, an eyebrow raised.
''Oww . . .'' Hermione clutched her stomach and gave a groan of pain.
Draco paled. He knew what was happening and he was very close to wetting his pants with the horror of it all.
Hermione gave a shriek as her waters broke. Draco was sick.
''Draco! The baby's coming!''she wailed.
''And I am leaving conciousness right about now,''said Draco, who promptly passed out moments later and fell off his chair with a thump.
Hermione looked at Draco with an expression of complete disgust and bewilderment. In her annoyance, she kicked him in the kidneys and made for the hills ( not literally, as there are few hills inside Hogwarts, so I imagine ).
To her profound sense of bad luck, the halls were more or less deserted. She gave another wail of pain and slumped against the wall, inwardly cursing sex, men, babies and everything to do with those things. Then, she saw a flash of red hair and gave a manic grin.
It was Ron's turn to have bad luck now. He saw the heavily pregnant Hermione lurch towards him, in a way that was strangely remincant of a sea-lion. He opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He tried to run, but managed to fall arse over tit on to the floor. Hermione slumped down next to him and started shrieking.
''Oh my god . . .Ron . . .I'm having a baby . . .''she wailed.
''You only just noticed?''said Ron, who still had a look of wild terror in his eyes. ''What do you want me to do about it??''
''I need you to help me!''cried Hermione. ''Draco's passed out in the library, and he's no good to me there.''
''He's no good to anybody, anywhere, at any time,''pointed out Ron.
Hermione shook Ron roughly. ''Help me, you pointless ginger freak!!''she screamed. ''I'm in pain dammit!!!''
Ron gave a loud and girlish scream, then covered his face with his hands. ''Stop shouting at me! You're fat and pregnant and it's scaring me, ok??''
In normal circumstances, Hermione would have battered Ron within an inch of his life, but these were not normal circumstances.
Ron managed to overcome his fear of messy pregnancies and help Hermione to the ward, where Madam Pomfrey set to work. Hermione was still shrieking like a banshee and was doing so in such a way that she had done to Ron what a million Metallica concerts had done to stupid metalheads who don't bring cotton wool with them.
''Ooooooh this is painfullllllll . . .''Hermione moaned.
''Well, it's going to take a while,''said Madam Pomfrey. ''So you may as well try and relax for the meantime.''
Hermione gave Madam Pomfrey a look that said ''I hope you explode''.
''How the hell do you expect me to relax when something the size of a melon is trying to get out of a hole the size of a kiwi??''Hermione spat.
Madam Pomfrey said nothing to Hermione, but turned to Ron instead. ''Do you think you could go and get the father in here? And maybe some more emotional support for Hermione . . . or maybe me?''
Ron nodded and left. He looked very pleased to be away from all this yucky baby-business. He found Draco wandering the halls looking dumbfounded and horrified beyond compare.
''Um . . Draco, you should probably come with me,''said Ron. ''Seeing as Hermione's giving birth and everything . . .''
Draco gave a little wail and walked headfirst into a wall after losing his sense of direction. ''Merghh . . .''he mumbled.
For a moment Ron thought that Draco was drunk, until he realised that Draco was actually too petrified right now to do anything right.
Draco started to twitch.
Ron knew what was coming next. Draco started to scream. Ah-ha - the screaming fit had arrived right on schedule.
''Draco, this is no time to be screaming like a girl. My eardrums are already damaged enough thanks to bloody Hermione, and the last thing I need it you nancying about squealing like a stuck pig.''
''I DON'T WANT TO HAVE KIDS!!!!'' Draco bawled.
Ron had no pity for him right now. ''Well, that's just tough shite, isn't it? You should've thought of that before you had sex.''
''But I couldn't think!''sobbed Draco. ''I was drunk . . . I was so drunk I was shocked that my Little Major actually worked . . '' He continued to rant and bawl in this vein for a good ten minutes, before Crabbe and Goyle came along.
''Has the whale come back?''asked Goyle, looking around warily.
Ron gave a deep sigh. ''No,''he said. ''Hermione's having a baby.''
''Wow,''said Crabbe. He sat down next to Draco, who was beating his fists against the cold, stone floor. ''How you feeling, Draco?''
Draco gave an anguished cry and turned Crabbe into a piece of smelly German cheese.
''With any luck a starving rat will eat him,''muttered Draco evilly. ''Although imagining how Crabbe must taste, it would have to be pretty close to death to sink that low.''
Ron looked at Draco blankly. ''Are you stoned or something??''he cried. ''Hermione's having your baby in there! Bloody hell! No wonder your parents hate you, you pointless waste of skin!''
Draco started to cry again. ''I wish everyone would stop calling me pointless!!''he wailed.
''You are pointless,''said Ron nastily. ''Now, get to the hospital ward now. Don't make me kick you.''
''But I don't want to . . .'' Draco said, lamely.
Ron gave Draco a sly kick in the ribs.
''Ooofff . ..''winced Draco, winded. ''Fine . . . I'll bloody well go . . .''
And then he limped relucantely down the corridor, following the screams that would lead him to Hermione.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Draco minced inside the hospital wing, to see Hermione screaming in pain. He turned around again, ready to run like the wind. Unfortunately it was too late - Hermione had seen him. He was fucked.
''I recommend you get here right now,''said Hermione, her voice as cold as liquid nitrogen.
''Is it really necessary?''said Draco, squirming.
Hermione gave Draco a look that could have melted cheese, and Draco sidled up to her.
''So,''he said, trying his best to be nice. ''How are you feeling, Hermione, old buddy, old pal?''
Hermione gave a load roar and Draco squealed like a girl. She smashed a small vase over his head and Draco screamed some more.
''You crazy bitch!''Draco wailed. ''What the hell was that for?? I was trying to be nice, for Christ's sake!''
Hermione gave a terrifying roar that meant ''Leave before I castrate you''. Draco made a little petrifed noise that can only be described as ''meep'' and left sharpish. He headed out into the corridor and gave a deep rattling sigh.
Harry turned up then. ''What's happening??''he cried. ''Has Hermione had the baby yet?''
Draco gave Harry a funny look. ''Yes, that's why I'm sitting out here by myself,''he said, sarcastically.
''Oh, cool,''said Harry. He went to walk into the ward.
''Not really, you imbecile,''said Draco, exasperatedly.
Harry stopped in his tracks. ''Oh,''he said. He took out his wand and conjured a chair in mid-air.
''Can I have a chair?''asked Draco.
Harry couldn't be bothered to argue and let him have one. They both slumped down onto they're respective chairs and stared blankly at the walls, trying they're best to block out the sounds of Hermione's cursings. Draco was doing particularly well at this part, as he had stuck his fingers in his ears whilst humming loudly to himself.
Harry looked over at Draco, deeply confused. ''You do realise that you're going to have to take your fingers out of your ears sooner or later,''he said.
''LA LA LA LA I AM NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA!!!''
Harry raised an eyebrow. ''Fine, be that way,''he said.
Harry flicked his wand and a pile of magazines appeared. He gave a sigh and opened the first one, reading an article on laxatives. It wasn't particularly interesting . . . actually it was quite disturbing, but anything was better than watching Draco slip into dementia.
Hermione gave another scream. ''ARGGGHHHHHHHHH I HATE YOU DRACO MALFOY!!!!!!!!''
Harry winced and turned to see Draco's reaction. He had taken to beating his head against a wall, a vacant expression in his eyes. Harry thought momentraily about making him feel better and reassuring him that everything would be alright, but he was actually quite enjoying Draco batter himself, so he thought it best to just leave him to it. With a sly giggle, Harry went back to the laxative article.
Suddenly Ron appeared. He gave Draco a strange look.
''Draco, you do know that you're beating your head against a wall?''
''I know.''
''But you're beating - ''
''I *know*.''
Ron decided to ignore Draco, as he was being weird again. He turned to Harry.
''How's Hermione doing?''he said.
Harry didn't even look up from his magazine. ''She's as happy as Draco is,''he said.
Ron blinked. ''Oh,''he said. He left it at that.
Suddenly, for no other reason than the author thinks he's cool, Sirius Black popped out of nowhere.
''Wow! Sirius!''cried Harry, happily. ''What are you doing here?''
Sirius looked around, a very confused expression on his face. ''I honestly have no idea,''he said. ''One minute I was in my cave, happy as Larry, and then I was here.''
''Did you apparate?''said Ron.
''You can't apparate in Hogwarts, silly ginger person,''said Sirius. ''I just . . . turned up.''
''Oh,''said Harry.
''Well, now that I'm here,''said Sirius. ''I suppose I could try and offer Draco some advice.''
''And I suppose I could offer you a broom up your arse,''said Draco viciously.
Sirius backed away. ''He's nervous,''he whispered to Harry and Ron. Sirius rubbed his hands together. ''Well, seeing as we're all here, why don't we order a curry to pass the time?''
Ron started drooling and Harry moved slightly away. Draco continued to bang his head against the wall.
''That's a yes then!''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next chapter should be up in the next few days. I'm on study leave now so I have some extra time on my hands. Thanks for reviews!
Luv Lux
xox