No Man is worth your tears, and that one that is, won't make you cry. Who even came up with that stupid saying? It is so untrue that it's laughable. Except that by saying it isn't true means I want to cry, so I can't laugh.
But sometimes crying can be a good thing as well. I think. Someone very wise told me that once but I can never for the life of me remember who it is. Probably one of the many psychiatrists I've had over the years.
But anyway, I was sitting in Father Dom's office bawling my eyes out and really couldn't make myself stop. I was trying. I was trying like hell. But it just wasn't working. It was partly his fault though. Father Dom's I mean. He'd just told me I could never see Jesse again. And for some lame reason I was crying. Not because I thought there was any possibility it would happen, but because he was trying to wreck everything again. It's like he has his own personal grudge against me and Jesse being together. I was actually getting worried about letting Jesse see him now. Not that there was much I could do to prevent it.
I rubbed at my eyes with my sleeve and glared up at him. He looked unhappy and stern. As usual when it came to talking to me. I forced myself to face him, making myself tall against the hard back of his chair. It was crunch time. And I was going to be the one doing the crunching.
"What is your problem?" I choked out in an angry hiccup. It didn't quite have the effect I'd aimed for. But saying that, crying wasn't going to make me look any more intimidating was it?
Father Dominic regarded me sadly from were he sat at the opposite side of his desk. Like he half expected me to collapse, and half expected me to start throwing stuff at him. Both possibilities seemed fairly probable at this moment in time. But seeing as I'd already got over the crying part, I figured I'd go for the latter.
"Susannah, 'the problem' as you so aptly put it does not lie with me; but with your refusal to acknowledge the fact that Jesse…….well, Jesse's dead. And nothing that you do can ever change that fact. That is why I feel it is my duty to bring this 'problem' to your attention."
And with that I flew out of my chair and placed both hands on his desk. Looking directly into his eyes.
"That is so unfair." I whispered. Not really trusting myself to speak properly.
"I know it is," he agreed calmly not quite meeting my hurt gaze, "but much in life is unfair. My greatest regret is that it happened to two such perfectly matched people." My head flew up again at that.
"Yes Susannah. I do believe that what you and Jesse are experiencing is what many call 'True Love'. But it is my duty to look out for your well being…"
"But Father……" I began, but he cut me of by carrying on as if I hadn't even spoken.
"……and I therefore cannot allow it. However much I wish it could be different. I know how you feel Susannah. I know how much it hurts, but you must believe me when I say you will learn to love again. In time."
I just shook my head at him, feeling tears falling down my cheeks again.
"No. Maybe you managed to live without her, but I…….I can't ok? I just can't. He's the one. Like in that stupid prophesy. If we can't be together then…well I don't know. All I know is that I'll probably end up enrolling as a nun."
Father D gave me a grim smile and said softly:
"I never said you would learn how to live without him. All I said is that you would learn to love again." I stared at the man who always seemed so collected even when he didn't understand. I looked at him hard. And I saw the cracks in his front. Cause that's all it was, one big front. To cover up how much he still loves whoever he fell in love with. I can only imagine that's also the reason for him becoming a priest. He never had gotten over her.
And that's when I realised I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't care what he said. I wasn't about to make the same mistake he had, no matter how much it cost me. I gave him a hurried goodbye, but found him barley listening to me anyway.
I rushed out into the courtyard and towards the statue of the Virgin Mary. I didn't even hear the ghost materialising behind me. If I'd listened then maybe things would be different now.
I felt a sharp pain as her fist connected with the back of my head. The darkness came easily once I'd hit the floor.