Chapter 3

Rudolf Beula Shimtz sat in his favorite rocking chair, shaking his fist menacingly at the use of his full name. No wonder he calls himself Rude.

"Why, I ought to use the Turk version of the "Men In Black" mind eraser." Rude threatened. So what's the Turk's version? If you're lucky, a night on the town with Reno. If you're not... it'll just be a quick punch in the face from himself. Rude smiled at that. Boy was he clever.

But all in all, Rude was feeling pretty good tonight. Tomorrow, he would finally get what he always wanted for Christmas. Well, that's if that fat craphole of a Santa would actually give it to him. Rude had plans, and everything would go directly to plan. Oh yes.. nothing could stop him this time!

Getting out of his rocking chair, and setting aside his knitting (Turks have to keep warm too!), Rude smiled deviously at his display of trickery. He had gone all out... no milk and cookies for him! No... it was something that no 300 pound man could resist! A double chocolate fudge cake and a mug full of frosty beer. In fact, it was so irresistible, Rude found his mouth watering at the sight.

"Mmm... that cake looks so good," Rude mumbled through the saliva dripping down his chin, "Must have it... I need to eat that cake!"

Just as he was about to mindlessly fist into his feast, Rude quickly slapped himself across the face a few times. "Snap out of it man! If you eat it, then the plan will be ruined!"

Rude quickly recovered and smiled at the thought of his perfect plan. As soon as that fat bastard let his guard down, then his plan would come into play.... yes... not even Cloud and his gang of hooligans would save Santa then! Rude would finally get what he wanted for Christmas, and what he always wanted was--

"Hey Rude!" Reno yelled from outside. "I got fired, and I saw Tseng come back from the dead! Oh.... I also need to use your bathroom and ralph all over your clean floor..."

Rude rolled his eyes with aggravation and opened his door. It was just like Reno to steal his thunder like that. Someday the spotlight would be on a decent gentleman like himself, and not always on his hooligan of a friend. Everywhere Rude looked, he saw hooligans. No wonder he always carried his gun.

"Reno, you're drunk. Not saying that's a surprise, but don't you think you've had a lot... even for chug-bugger like yourself?" Rude said in a motherly tone with his hands on his hips.

Chug-what? Reno thought strangely. Then he remembered why he came here. "Make way! Gotta puke!"

The red-head ran for the toilet holding his mouth. Rude frowned. He had just mopped that floor. With the sounds of barfing in the distance, Rude decided the best thing to do would be to get his cleaning supplies. He would have to finish savoring his plans later.

Finally, we come back to Rufus, our little scheming friend. Hopefully he has finished his plans NOW..

"You bet your ass!" Rufus smiled deviously, his hair curling up at both ends. He had even painted his face green to look the part. Nice touch.

"What? That's just candy cane!" Rufus stated with annoyance as he licked off the candy around his mouth.

"Imbeciles.." he muttered under his minty fresh breath, "Yes... my plan is the most original and evil of all plans! See, I watched this show that coincidently happened to be on tv. It was about this monster who wanted to steal Christmas for some reason. I only watched the first ten minutes of it... but I got the gists of it."

Yeah, we all know how original Rufus is.

"The only problem would be that I'd have to rhyme. So... Heidigger, if you please.." Rufus called for the Rap Master himself.

"Yes sir! I'm here to put a spin on this whack tale.. Fo' shizzle!" Heidigger spurted his gangsta tone.... and we're all scared.

With a clearing of his troat, Heidigger pulled out a previously prepared sheet of paper and began to rap.

"Yo, dis is Rufus in da house, an' his plan is for no mouse.

He's gonna get dem Avalanche punks, and do it with some spunk--"

"Ye gods!" Rufus yelled appalled, "Stop for Shiva's sake!"

Heidigger gave the president a hurtful look. "Yo, jest cuz I'm a big guy, doesn't mean I dun got feelin's.."

"How's this for feelings?" Rufus shouted mercilessly, "You're fired!"

Rufus laughed evilly as he watched Heidigger slink out of the room. You wouldn't think he would be able to slink... but we all have our days.

"Now," Rufus said calmly, "Just because I stole this idea from Dr Sues, doesn't mean I HAVE to rhyme."

"Damn hippie," Rufus said as he angrily tossed a paper weight at the tv.

Clearing his throat, he again turned towards the camera. There was no time like the present to begin his monologue.

"Alright," Rufus started, "If there's one thing that would fool Cloud and the gang.. and we all know it wouldn't take MUCH to fool Cloud... it would be a visit from St. Nick himself! Muahahahahaha."

Clicking his hands together Rufus laughed deviously, "Oh, the possibilities! Exploding presents, poisoned turkey, or... dare I say it? Dip their hands into warm water and make them wet the bed! Gods, I am evil!"

"Now.. To become Santy Claus, I'm gonna need a disguise.." Rufus trailed off, looking around the room. No, that fishing net wouldn't quite cut it this time. He sighed dramatically. Why did he fire Hiedigger? He would make a great Santa!

He looked forlornly at Dark Nation, hoping he would hop up and whisper him the answers. "What do you think, boy? How should I disguise myself?"

The huge cat opened his mouth, and Rufus leaned in expectantly. Oh boy, he thought, I kick Dr Doolittle's ass! Just as he had grabbed a movie camera to tape his baby's moment in the spotlight, Dark Nation let out a burp worthy of Barret's jealousy. His perfectly groomed hair was blown out of style, as the camera smashed on the floor.

"Damn." Rufus said disappointed. "Just more gas, I see. At least this time there wasn't any bulle-"

Before he could get out the word, a shot fired out of his pet's mouth, narrowly missing him, ripping a hole through his superior coat. It then lodged firmly into the wall, next to his father's memorial.

"Hmmm.." Said Rufus, not at all reactant about the latest events, "This gives me an idea."

There behind the glass case was his father's old red suit. A little pimpish and pinstriped... but it was time Santa got a make over. Yesss, this would do just fine.. And he would get lots of babes with it too!

A/N: It's back again! Hope it isn't too early to start posting some chapters. A new one will be posted next week. Happy Holidays, and make sure you review :)