Disclaimer : Guess ... go on ... guess what I'm going to put here ... a packet of Jaffa cakes to the quickest!
THE KNEE TREMBLER
Chapter 14 : Rambling, pills and breastfeeding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr and Mrs Granger didn't look best pleased when they arrived at Hogwarts. In actual fact, they looked absolutely terrified out of they're wits, mainly due to the way Lucius kept leering at them and prodding them roughly with his cane when he thought no-one was looking.
''He's a lovely baby,''cooed Mrs Granger. She threw a dark glare at Draco, who was mincing about Hermione's room looking depressed. ''Shame that he didn't look more like you though.''
Lucius shot Mrs Granger a fairly terrifying look. ''I wouldn't be one to dish out judgement on looks if I were you, Mrs Granger,''he said dangerously. ''Considering that you have a face that reminds me of the arse of a bulldog I once owned as a boy.''
Lucius's face went all dreamy as he reminiced about his youth. ''Yes ... Ripper we called him ... what a fantastic dog he was too... Not a day went by that he didn't savage something or other. Usually it was one of the servants but that was quite alright because they were fairly expendable and it wasn't hard to get new ones. I remember on one occasion ... my seventh birthday I believe...''
Lucius babbled to himself for a good ten minutes, ignoring the horrified looks of Hermione's parents, and the frankly embarressed expression on Draco's face. At this point, Hermione was nearly used to Lucius's eccentric ramblings and ignored him.
''Father,''said Draco, after Lucius had regailed them with a particularly gory part of his little nostalgia trip.
''Yes?''said Lucius, smiling broadly.
''What in the name of Greek buggery do you think you're doing?''
Lucius blinked, and thought about it. ''I believe I was -''
''Rambling pointlessly.'' Draco finished Lucius's sentance for him.
''Well, yes ... yes I do believe I was,''said Lucius, completely unabashed. ''What's your point?''
''Don't.''
Lucius looked slightly hurt for a moment, then shrugged and took yet another deep gulp of whiskey.
There was a long, protracted silence. Everyone but Lucius ( who had no concept of feeling awkward, being high-born and everything... ) looked particularly uncomfortable and shuffled about for a little while.
Eventually Draco took it upon himself to clear his throat and put a welcome end to the silence that was threatening to engulf them all.
''I reckon it's time for food,''he said. ''Anyone with me on this one?''
Predictably, there was a mad dash to the Great Hall.
Although the main reason for the mad dash was because Lucius started to chase Hermione's father in a fairly vicious manner, whilst trying to trip him up with his cane.
''Come back, little Muggle! I won't hurt you! I swear!'' Lucius shrieked as he chased Mr Granger down the corridors.
''Don't listen to him!'' Draco warned Mr Granger. ''It's all lies - the man's completely insane! Run! Run for your life!''
And for the next twenty minutes, the only truly noticable noises in Hogwarts were Mr Granger's girlish screams and Lucius's mad giggling.
~~~~~~~
Draco sat morosely in the Great Hall with Hermione's mother, chewing a ham sandwich absent-mindedly. He turned to Mrs Granger with a strange expression on his face.
''Don't you think you should be out there helping your husband?''he asked. ''My father has been chasing him for a good half hour now.''
Mrs Granger looked Draco in the eye. ''Maybe you should learn to control that father of yours,''she hissed.
''You act like I have some sort of power over him,''said Draco, looking confused. ''For God's sake, woman, the man is completely mad. The chances of anyone being able to control Lucius Malfoy are the same as someone trying to beat a Mammoth in an arm-wrestling competition.''
Mrs Granger blinked. ''Is your father really insane?''she said, a worried look on her face.
''As mad as a badger,''answered Draco, shaking his head sadly. ''My mother tells me that his dementia began soon after I was born, so I suppose the only person to blame is me. My father is one of God's special creatures you see ... so don't blame him. It's clearly all my fault.''
''It's rather understandable,''said Mrs Granger spitefully.
Draco felt hurt for a moment, then thought about it. ''You know what... I think you're right,''he said thoughtfully.
At that moment Mr Granger sprinted in the Great Hall, shortly followed by Lucius, who was still giggling madly and brandishing his cane like a sword. Draco rolled his eyes and stuck out a foot as Lucius ran passed him.
Naturally, Lucius didn't see Draco's foot and went sprawling arse over tit onto the floor. Draco sniggered to himself with grim satisfaction. Lucius lay on the floor breathing hard for a while, then sprang up, his face a picture of joy.
''Oh Draco! Didn't see you there!'' Lucius wiped some sweat off his brow. ''Me and Hermione's father have been having all kinds of high-jinks, haven't we, old bean?'' He gave Mr Granger a mad grin, his eyebrows twitching all over the shop.
Hermione's father took this oppurtunity to squeal like a girl and hide underneath a table. Lucius raised an eyebrow and prepared to dive under the table too.
Draco held him back. ''No, dad... let him be. That'll do, pig, that'll do.''
Lucius twitched a little as he looked at Mr Granger scuttling away from him, but he managed to control himself.
''Oh ... well ..... damn...''muttered Lucius. He continued to twitch for the next fifteen minutes, before Draco got him to take some much-needed pills. They seemed to calm Lucius into a happy-stupor for a while, in which he passed the time by giggling inanely at a nearby wall and making his fingers ''walk'' across the table.
Draco tried to ignore this and turned to Hermione's parents, who were looking suitably shaken at Lucius's behavior.
''So ...''he said, in a desperate attempt to make conversation. ''What do you think of Stephan?''
''Oh, he's a lovely baby, definantely,''said Mr Granger, keeping one eye on the drooling Lucius all the while. ''Lovely name you picked for him ... so ... when are you marrying my daughter?''
Draco glared levelly at Mr Granger. ''Do you really need reminding that we are not living in the 1950's, you ridiculous little man?''
''You are going to marry my daughter, Maloy,''said Mr Granger, threateningly.
''Am I fuck.''
~~~~~~~~~~
Draco stamped into the ward, where Hermione was feeding the baby. Draco saw this and his face took on the expression of deep disgust.
''Can you not do that??''he said, turning away.
''I've got to feed the baby somehow,''said Hermione, coldly. ''I can't help it if you find breast-feeding sickening.''
''My mother didn't breastfeed me,''said Draco. ''And I turned out alright.''
''Says you.''
Draco looked insulted, but decided not to dwell on it. He struggled to remember what he came to see Hermione for ( he often felt this way ). Then it finally came to him.
''You would not believe what your father said to me a few minutes ago!''he shouted, flailing his arms about to show how scandalised he felt and how terrible the situation was.
Hermione looked up with a vague interest. ''What?''
''He said that he wants me to marry you!''cried Draco, looking pained. ''I mean ... that's just.... NO!''
''He doesn't mean it,''said Hermione, with little interest. ''I wouldn't worry, if I were you.''
''Oh, you're just useless, you are!''wailed Draco. ''You never want to get all irate. You're no bloody fun!''
''Are you done?''said Hermione, not even looking up at him.
Draco looked slightly hurt. He hung his head in shame. ''Yes,''he said.
''Good.''
And with that, Draco sloped miserably out of the room and back to the lake, to partake in what would definantely be one of his more interesting suicide attempts.
~~~~~~~~~
I apoligise for the complete lack of updates. Sorry about that. College and my hectic social life take a bit of a toll on the ol' writing. Plus, I've got the beginning of a Jay and Silent Bob fic in the works too, so that's a bit of a pain in the arse too.
Till next time, amigos.
Luv Lux
THE KNEE TREMBLER
Chapter 14 : Rambling, pills and breastfeeding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr and Mrs Granger didn't look best pleased when they arrived at Hogwarts. In actual fact, they looked absolutely terrified out of they're wits, mainly due to the way Lucius kept leering at them and prodding them roughly with his cane when he thought no-one was looking.
''He's a lovely baby,''cooed Mrs Granger. She threw a dark glare at Draco, who was mincing about Hermione's room looking depressed. ''Shame that he didn't look more like you though.''
Lucius shot Mrs Granger a fairly terrifying look. ''I wouldn't be one to dish out judgement on looks if I were you, Mrs Granger,''he said dangerously. ''Considering that you have a face that reminds me of the arse of a bulldog I once owned as a boy.''
Lucius's face went all dreamy as he reminiced about his youth. ''Yes ... Ripper we called him ... what a fantastic dog he was too... Not a day went by that he didn't savage something or other. Usually it was one of the servants but that was quite alright because they were fairly expendable and it wasn't hard to get new ones. I remember on one occasion ... my seventh birthday I believe...''
Lucius babbled to himself for a good ten minutes, ignoring the horrified looks of Hermione's parents, and the frankly embarressed expression on Draco's face. At this point, Hermione was nearly used to Lucius's eccentric ramblings and ignored him.
''Father,''said Draco, after Lucius had regailed them with a particularly gory part of his little nostalgia trip.
''Yes?''said Lucius, smiling broadly.
''What in the name of Greek buggery do you think you're doing?''
Lucius blinked, and thought about it. ''I believe I was -''
''Rambling pointlessly.'' Draco finished Lucius's sentance for him.
''Well, yes ... yes I do believe I was,''said Lucius, completely unabashed. ''What's your point?''
''Don't.''
Lucius looked slightly hurt for a moment, then shrugged and took yet another deep gulp of whiskey.
There was a long, protracted silence. Everyone but Lucius ( who had no concept of feeling awkward, being high-born and everything... ) looked particularly uncomfortable and shuffled about for a little while.
Eventually Draco took it upon himself to clear his throat and put a welcome end to the silence that was threatening to engulf them all.
''I reckon it's time for food,''he said. ''Anyone with me on this one?''
Predictably, there was a mad dash to the Great Hall.
Although the main reason for the mad dash was because Lucius started to chase Hermione's father in a fairly vicious manner, whilst trying to trip him up with his cane.
''Come back, little Muggle! I won't hurt you! I swear!'' Lucius shrieked as he chased Mr Granger down the corridors.
''Don't listen to him!'' Draco warned Mr Granger. ''It's all lies - the man's completely insane! Run! Run for your life!''
And for the next twenty minutes, the only truly noticable noises in Hogwarts were Mr Granger's girlish screams and Lucius's mad giggling.
~~~~~~~
Draco sat morosely in the Great Hall with Hermione's mother, chewing a ham sandwich absent-mindedly. He turned to Mrs Granger with a strange expression on his face.
''Don't you think you should be out there helping your husband?''he asked. ''My father has been chasing him for a good half hour now.''
Mrs Granger looked Draco in the eye. ''Maybe you should learn to control that father of yours,''she hissed.
''You act like I have some sort of power over him,''said Draco, looking confused. ''For God's sake, woman, the man is completely mad. The chances of anyone being able to control Lucius Malfoy are the same as someone trying to beat a Mammoth in an arm-wrestling competition.''
Mrs Granger blinked. ''Is your father really insane?''she said, a worried look on her face.
''As mad as a badger,''answered Draco, shaking his head sadly. ''My mother tells me that his dementia began soon after I was born, so I suppose the only person to blame is me. My father is one of God's special creatures you see ... so don't blame him. It's clearly all my fault.''
''It's rather understandable,''said Mrs Granger spitefully.
Draco felt hurt for a moment, then thought about it. ''You know what... I think you're right,''he said thoughtfully.
At that moment Mr Granger sprinted in the Great Hall, shortly followed by Lucius, who was still giggling madly and brandishing his cane like a sword. Draco rolled his eyes and stuck out a foot as Lucius ran passed him.
Naturally, Lucius didn't see Draco's foot and went sprawling arse over tit onto the floor. Draco sniggered to himself with grim satisfaction. Lucius lay on the floor breathing hard for a while, then sprang up, his face a picture of joy.
''Oh Draco! Didn't see you there!'' Lucius wiped some sweat off his brow. ''Me and Hermione's father have been having all kinds of high-jinks, haven't we, old bean?'' He gave Mr Granger a mad grin, his eyebrows twitching all over the shop.
Hermione's father took this oppurtunity to squeal like a girl and hide underneath a table. Lucius raised an eyebrow and prepared to dive under the table too.
Draco held him back. ''No, dad... let him be. That'll do, pig, that'll do.''
Lucius twitched a little as he looked at Mr Granger scuttling away from him, but he managed to control himself.
''Oh ... well ..... damn...''muttered Lucius. He continued to twitch for the next fifteen minutes, before Draco got him to take some much-needed pills. They seemed to calm Lucius into a happy-stupor for a while, in which he passed the time by giggling inanely at a nearby wall and making his fingers ''walk'' across the table.
Draco tried to ignore this and turned to Hermione's parents, who were looking suitably shaken at Lucius's behavior.
''So ...''he said, in a desperate attempt to make conversation. ''What do you think of Stephan?''
''Oh, he's a lovely baby, definantely,''said Mr Granger, keeping one eye on the drooling Lucius all the while. ''Lovely name you picked for him ... so ... when are you marrying my daughter?''
Draco glared levelly at Mr Granger. ''Do you really need reminding that we are not living in the 1950's, you ridiculous little man?''
''You are going to marry my daughter, Maloy,''said Mr Granger, threateningly.
''Am I fuck.''
~~~~~~~~~~
Draco stamped into the ward, where Hermione was feeding the baby. Draco saw this and his face took on the expression of deep disgust.
''Can you not do that??''he said, turning away.
''I've got to feed the baby somehow,''said Hermione, coldly. ''I can't help it if you find breast-feeding sickening.''
''My mother didn't breastfeed me,''said Draco. ''And I turned out alright.''
''Says you.''
Draco looked insulted, but decided not to dwell on it. He struggled to remember what he came to see Hermione for ( he often felt this way ). Then it finally came to him.
''You would not believe what your father said to me a few minutes ago!''he shouted, flailing his arms about to show how scandalised he felt and how terrible the situation was.
Hermione looked up with a vague interest. ''What?''
''He said that he wants me to marry you!''cried Draco, looking pained. ''I mean ... that's just.... NO!''
''He doesn't mean it,''said Hermione, with little interest. ''I wouldn't worry, if I were you.''
''Oh, you're just useless, you are!''wailed Draco. ''You never want to get all irate. You're no bloody fun!''
''Are you done?''said Hermione, not even looking up at him.
Draco looked slightly hurt. He hung his head in shame. ''Yes,''he said.
''Good.''
And with that, Draco sloped miserably out of the room and back to the lake, to partake in what would definantely be one of his more interesting suicide attempts.
~~~~~~~~~
I apoligise for the complete lack of updates. Sorry about that. College and my hectic social life take a bit of a toll on the ol' writing. Plus, I've got the beginning of a Jay and Silent Bob fic in the works too, so that's a bit of a pain in the arse too.
Till next time, amigos.
Luv Lux