Whenever I Say Your Name, Chapter 4
:::::Flashback: Atlantis (After the events of The Storm):::::
"Elizabeth!"
Dr. Weir has barely enough time to turn around before two strong arms wrap around her tightly. She knows without looking that it's Major Sheppard. Elizabeth can also sense a fear in him that has her instinctively hugging him back.
It's very early in the morning and Weir didn't expect anyone else in Atlantis to be awake. The events of the past few days have left her too wired to sleep. Her brain is busy re-processing every second, thinking of all the things she could have done differently – of all the things that could have gone wrong. She had given up trying to sleep about an hour ago and come out to one of the more secluded balconies that line the city.
Elizabeth really isn't surprised that John still managed to find her. There's a small part of her brain that tells her it's probably not appropriate for them to be wrapped in each other's arms. The bigger portion of her mind reminds her that all of her errant thoughts disappeared as soon as she was engulfed in his warmth.
John buries his face in Elizabeth's hair as a shudder runs through him. She pulls back slightly to look up at him in concern. It makes him unreasonably happy that she doesn't move completely out of his arms. He isn't eager to let her go just yet.
"John?" Elizabeth asks with her brow furrowed. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing now," he responds, pulling her close again.
Elizabeth rests her head in the crook of John's neck and doesn't miss the small sigh that escapes him.
"Tell me what happened," she prods softly.
John rubs his cheek lightly against the top of her head as he tries to block out the images that had him running out to find her.
"I'm going to sound like a complete idiot."
"Well…" she starts. He can hear the smile in her voice. "What else is new?"
Sheppard lets out a chuckle and gives her another squeeze. He unwraps his arms from around her, then grabs her hand, not willing to lose the physical contact. He walks them over to the balcony railing so they can sit along the ledge.
Elizabeth watches as John plays with their intertwined fingers. She waits a full minute before nudging him with her shoulder.
"You were going to tell me what happened," she reminds him.
"I was?" John nudges her back with a grin.
"Yes you were." Elizabeth squeezes his fingers, knowing that he's trying to distract her by starting the little nudge fight.
"I had a nightmare," John says sheepishly. "I didn't find you in your quarters and I knew you came out here to think."
Elizabeth's eyes widen in surprise at that revelation. She decides to save the balcony discussion for later and focus on the nightmare.
"You had a nightmare about me?"
"I dreamt Kolya killed you. That he slit your throat just to see me watch you die." John's grip tightens on her hand as the images assault him again. The pure evil in Kolya's eyes. The wicked twist of his lips as he spots John in the shadows. The surprise on Elizabeth's face as the knife cuts into her skin. The bullets as they thud over and over again into Kolya. The blood seeping through his fingers and mixing with the rain as he tries to keep the wound closed. The look of concern in Elizabeth's eyes as she watches the futile desperation in his.
Elizabeth watches as the emotions flicker over John's face. Her free hand unconsciously goes to the bandage at her throat. It could easily have happened the way John is imagining. She can still remember the edge of the knife digging into her skin as Kolya spun around and around trying to find Sheppard in the chaos of the storm. The single shot muffled by the rain. The splatter of blood against her face and Kolya's arms going suddenly limp. The wild look in John's eyes as he stepped out of the shadows.
The others found them like that, staring at each other from across the balcony, soaking wet in the wind and rain. They didn't break eye contact as Beckett ran to Elizabeth to stem the bleeding she didn't even know was there. Ford and Teyla reported in to John about the other Genii, but he heard none of it. At the urging of McKay, they were herded to the safety of the control room. They haven't been alone since.
"John. None of that happened," Elizabeth reminds him. "I'm safe. I'm alive because of you."
"You could have been killed because of me."
The self loathing in John's voice surprises Elizabeth. She turns a little on the ledge to face him and raises his chin with her fingertips. There's a vulnerability in his eyes that she's never seen before. She moves her hand to cup the side of his face.
"You didn't ask the Genii to attack us," Elizabeth says calmly.
"But I taunted them!" John says a little wildly. He tries to turn away, but her hand won't let him. "I took the Wraith memory device from them. My actions made an enemy of them. My God, I was wiling to give them a nuclear bomb!"
Elizabeth pulls her hand from John's grip to cup both sides of his face. It's hard to remember that, underneath his casual flyboy façade, is a man capable of so much guilt. John has had a lot to deal with since coming to Atlantis.
"Your actions saved Rodney and I. You were the only thing that kept Atlantis out of Genii control. You didn't give them a nuclear bomb and that memory device gave us valuable information about the Wraith." John tries to interrupt, but Elizabeth won't let him. "What? Are you going to bring up Sumner and waking the Wraith? I'm sorry, but that's old news. If you want to lay blame, then remember that I brought us here. We can't spend the rest of our lives looking over our shoulder at things we may have done better. All we can do is make the most of what we have in front of us."
"How can you be so optimistic?" John asks.
Elizabeth drops her hands and John takes them in his.
"I'm not being optimistic," she responds. "I'm being realistic. We're bound to make more mistakes and I need to have faith that I picked good people. That we'll keep each other from making too many catastrophic blunders."
"We don't exactly have the best track record," John says with a wry smile. Elizabeth is relieved that his sense of humor seems to be resurfacing.
"So we have a low bar to aim for," she retorts with a grin.
Elizabeth turns her head to look at the approaching dawn. In the growing light, John can see the bandage on her neck clearly. He reaches up to touch it, careful not to put any pressure on the wound.
"Does it hurt?" he asks. "Beckett said you needed stitches."
"I think Beckett just wanted to practice on someone other than you," Elizabeth teases.
"Funny," John says, the word dripping with sarcasm.
They start to hear the sounds of the city waking up. Elizabeth stands and John follows suit.
"We better go grab some coffee before Rodney wakes up."
Elizabeth starts to walk off the balcony, but John doesn't move. Their joined hands keeps her from getting too far. Elizabeth turns back and John pulls at her hand, bringing her within inches of him.He reaches up and places his other hand lightly at the back of her neck.
"John?" Elizabeth asks, but she doesn't pull away.
"I'm just making the most of what's in front of me," he responds with a small smile.
John dips his head and places a soft kiss on Elizabeth's lips, then another before pulling back to look at her quizzically. There's no hint of reprisal or disapproval on her face, only what he hopes is anticipation for him to continue.
"No comments about fraternization between command levels being a bad idea?" Sheppard can't help but ask.
Elizabeth shrugs and wraps her arms around John's neck.
"You see," she answers after John folds his own arms around her, "the nice thing about my not being military, is that I get to make my own rules."
They grin at each other before their lips meet again for a much longer kiss.
TBC...
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I know this isn't going to be how The Eye ends...but since it hasn't aired in the US, I'm making up my own ending.