Inspired from: "What if …"
Category: AU
Rating: R so far

Note: This fic is AU. I have marked that here. So if you think that it is out of character, maybe it is, but it is my story and I don't care if or if not. They are mine for the time I use them. I borrowed them and I will hand them back in when I am finished.

So if you think they are out of character, you don't need to tell me, I know it. But still it is my story and nobody force you to read it.

The lyrics in between are from "Memory" from CATS (Andrew Lloyd Webber)

Mac was sitting on the floor, in front of a burning fire, with a big box of photos and a new photo album to put them in. She had wanted to do it for months but now she had finally found time.
She leaned against the sofa while studying carefully what the photos were showing, sorting out which to put in and which to leave out.

A soft noise was coming from outside, the wind was playing with the empty trees and the first snow that had fallen. It was December 21st and this Christmas would be the first one in ages which she would celebrate differently. Alone with her children. But as soon as the kids were in bed, she would be alone again.
Even thinking of that made tears run down her soft cheeks, which were slightly reddened by the hotness of the fire.

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Suddenly there was a photo of her and Harm in between the baby photos. Harm and Her. Harm. Mac closed her eyes to remember.

Harm was coming towards her office; she had seen him close his door behind him. He was looking so handsome those days. He had been working out a little more often and his six-pack was evident under the tight and sexy dress whites.
He had asked her out for dinner. She had smiled after telling him that she wanted to go out with him. It had been their first real date. He had brought her to St. Remo's, a small elegant Italian Restaurant. They had ordered some fantastic fish dishes, had non-alcoholic wine, and ice cream afterwards.
After dinner they had been walking together for some time before he asked her if they could do that on a more regular time, like tomorrow again. She had laughed. He had smiled. Hand in hand they walked back to the car. At the car she had leaned against the car and his hands were on each side of her body when he leaned down towards her and kissed her softly on the lips- just a touch of lips. She had the courage to get hold of his neck to press him further towards her, to deepen the kiss.

Maybe it had all been a mistake and he never wanted more than to spend time with her?

After a couple of minutes kissing, he decided to bring her home.
The moment they entered the apartment she knew what she wanted. After she asked if he wanted a glass of wine, he had just stared at her with big eyes, asking why she had alcoholic wine at home. She smiled in return and handed him the bottle. It was an expensive bottle of wine. She had an excellent taste, or knowledge.
"You picked it out?" he asked her. She smiled and nodded while heading to the bedroom, leaving the door open.
It had been a warm summer day and she had left her windows open and now the wind was playing with the curtains. When he entered behind her he only saw her shadow at the window in the moonlight. She knew that. She knew what she was doing, what she was implying.
He had a glass of red wine in his hand when he stood there watching her. Her hair was playing in the wind, her eyes closed.
"Mac," he said softly when she turned around. She was still swearing the long dark red skirt and the dark red sleeveless blouse. One more button was open on top, she still standing behind the white curtains. Slowly Mac started to let her hands glide over the front of the blouse, opened one more button and another till the blouse was completely open and revealing a dark red lace bra. He also didn't say a word when the skirt joined the blouse at the floor. No word, when she came towards him, took the glass from his hands and put it on the bedside table. He didn't dare to say something when she unbuttoned his shirt and trousers, when her fingers were dancing over his chest, making his six-pack flex.
Slowly he touched her soft skin. Harm's eyes were completely dark. But there were no words said, not when he started kissing her, not when his kisses trailed down her body, over her still lace-hugged breasts, not her in lace-hidden womanhood. When she was softly moaning, when he opened the bra standing behind her, holding her breasts in his warm and big hands, it had been the only sound that filled the room.
The moment he moved into her was passionate. His lips were hard on hers and she wanted that moment to last. And it did. Mac crossed her ankles behind his back and buried him deeper inside than any men had ever been. She loved the way he was pressing hard against her cervix.
She had come hard that night, screaming his name and Harm hers. She had fallen asleep on his chest.

The photo had been taken two days later at the park. They had asked a kid to take it. Harm had given him a 10 dollar note and the kid was so happy.
She tried not to remember those days because it still hurt. The pain still rose up her chest when she remembered the days of happiness and joy, the morning she woke up next to him, cuddled against his chest – the last five years.

Today she asked herself if it had maybe all been a mistake. The bottle of wine which was in her fridge stayed unopened but she had bought it. How many nights had she wanted to empty it because of the pain in her heart?
Every night since this one night, the night she had lost all the trust he had put in him. The one night she came back home too early.

It was the first time she had to travel again after going back to JAG. She had been in California and hadn't thought that she would be finished before Thursday, but things had gone well and she had been able to take the last flight on Tuesday night. Mac hadn't had the time to call back home and she wanted to surprise Harm.
She had been training hard after the two close pregnancies. She had worked out hard. In California she had bought a sexy black lace and silk teddy. Nevertheless she had been missing Harm badly. After being married for nearly four years things had changed a little bit, he didn't seem to be that interested into sex anymore but cuddling. But she needed him.

Softly the radio was playing in the background and the fire was dancing in the open fireplace. The fireplace he wanted to have installed at that place of the living room because the flames were lightening the area around the coffee table.

She opened the door carefully; even she had noticed the dimmed light from their bedroom. Mac slipped out of her shoes and closed the door silently because she wanted to surprise Harm. Passing the kitchen she noticed two empty wine bottles – maybe he had guests? She unbuttoned her blouse slowly while walking upstairs. She noticed a soft moaning and had to smile by the idea of Harm watching a porn movie while she was away.
But the moment she opened their bedroom door she saw what she never wanted to imagine in front of her. Harm was lying under a blondhaired woman who was riding him pretty hard while he was bound to the bed.
At first they didn't notice her standing in the door but she made them see. She told herself not to cry.
"I guess it is time for you, whoever you are, to get clothed. And while she is getting into whatever she was wearing you can start packing your stuff because you will no longer live in this house," Mac said, turned around and headed to the kids' bedroom. Both were asleep soundly in their beds. Ellen had just turned three and Harm Jr. was only 15 months old. She remembered how hard they had tried to have another baby because of all the stress and health problems they had been through after the first pregnancy.
Watching the babies sleep she realized that her world had just shattered into pieces.

The telephone was ringing and this brought her back to reality, back to her current life.
"McKenzie-Rabb," Mac replied after picking up.
"Hello Sarah," a familiar voice replied.
"Hello. How are you and Frank doing?" Mac asked her former mother-in-law.
"Fine, thanks, my dear. I know that you probably want spend the holidays on your own …," How little did she know about Mac and what she was looking forward to! "..I thought maybe you want to spend a few days with us in Washington. We are going to come to spend Christmas with Harm because he asked for it last year. I know, my dear, many things have changed since last year," she added sadly, "and I never tried to judge anything. He is still my son."
"I know Trish. If you want to see the kids, it is okay."
"Sarah, I do not only want to see the kids, I want to see you too."
"I said it is okay."
"Listen to me Mac," she said a little louder and harsher, "if you do not want to have us around I can understand it. I have never been in a position like you. My husband died before something like that could happen. I probably would have reacted like you did. Anyway it is up to you."
"If you want to come over on the 26th, I will cook something for us."
"Will Harm …"
"He is allowed to see the kids one day during the holidays, if he comes without another woman. As soon as I notice some other woman around the kids, everything will be cancelled."
"Oh Sarah …"
"No Trish, please do not discuss with me. It is a couple of days before Christmas. I had other plans for this Christmas but I cannot change it." Mac took a deep breath, "Your son was able to destroy those last May," she added in a whisper.
"You know if you need anything, just call."
"I can live pretty well with the kids."
"That is not what I intended to say. I meant if you need some time off we would love to take care of them."
"God Trish." Tears were standing in Mac's eyes and the first sobs were waiting in her throat to escape. "I know you only want to be around them but you have to see that this only makes things harder for me. Do you think it was that easy? No it wasn't. Maybe it had been a mistake from the first moment, maybe he never wanted …"
"No Sarah, do not say that he maybe never loved you. He did, he probably still does."
"But he fucked another woman in our bed!" she replied angrily. Mac wasn't sure if Trish had ever been told why they broke up. But after a few moments of complete silence she decided that he had probably never told his mother about it.
"I didn't know …," Trish replied, sadness dancing in her voice.
"I am sorry, Trish. You have always been like a mother for me and now I have to tell you that I wasn't good enough for your son. That is at least …"
"He never told me. Probably he was ashamed? I don't know but nobody ever told me. I was never told why you got divorced, never. I just thought that you had an argument or some other problems. But I never had the idea that Harm … my son … are you sure?"
"Trish, how shall I tell you this? I came home and found him under her in our bed. She was tall, blond, and skinny with big boobs. Okay? Enough of a description? She was everything I was before the kids, except for the color of her hair." She took a deep breath and didn't try to stop the tears and sobs. "I saw him moaning under her. I saw that she had bound him to the bed. I saw how much fun he had. Trish, I had told him that as soon as I …."

Harm was walking into the kitchen with an old copy of the playboy in his hands and one of his basketball buddies on the phone. "I have to go, Wil,l but I will tell her that she looks amazing, okay? Oh what about the reddish girl from last time …. oh really … and how … now she is in the kitchen … really? … wow …"
"Harm could you have a look why Ellen is crying?" Mac asked from the kitchen, having a hand over her pregnant belly. It was hot in there after making a ton of cookies.
He had stopped talking to Will and came back with Ellen on his arm and the magazine in the other one.
"She was just feeling lonely," he replied and tickled her.
"Maybe because you should have been playing with her but instead you had to read the Playboy. How great," Mac snorted.
"Calm down honey."
"No Harm. It is just enough. You wanted a son, I am pregnant with your son and now you are reading those damn magazines again."
"Not in front of her," he said, turned around and went with the girl into the living room. Mac had to sit down as soon as he was out of sight.
This pregnancy had been a long fight. She had lost a lot of blood during Ellen's birth and for a long time hadn't the strength to do a lot of things. She was at home with the girl for nearly one year before she started working again and before she got pregnant again. And this pregnancy wasn't easy on her either. For some time they weren't sure if the baby was growing correctly but he was. Everything was fine. And she was staying at home with Ellen now that she was 7 months pregnant, Harm talked her into that. But she was about to go crazy at home. She loved being with Ellen all day but she was missing work very badly.
She was crying silently in the kitchen while Harm finally showed Ellen some attention. Mac had been telling herself that it was time to talk to Harm, to get him to talk about what was going wrong in their marriage. Something didn't seem to work anymore.
She knew that she wasn't the heroine from before Ellen's pregnancy anymore. She had lost almost all the weight, but just almost. She wasn't fat but curvier than before. In the beginning she had hoped that it would turn him on. Big mistake. They had had sex before she got pregnant again, yes no sex since that, but the sex hadn't been the same anymore. No passion in it, no hot talks before it, no sweet words afterwards.
She had blamed herself for it. Herself and her less attractive body. But silently it things started to become clear. He wasn't in love with her anymore. Just married to her but when had he stopped loving her?

"Is dinner ready for Ellen?" he asked from the door with Ellen giggling on his hip.
"Sorry," she said and jumped from the chair. He had surprised her. "Give me a minute and it will be finished."
"What is it, Mac?"
"Nothing," she replied and turned her back towards him and started fixing the meal for her daughter.

After feeding her she was standing against the counter and looked at him. She felt a pain in her chest, the heart area. She knew that it was no illness, nothing serious – except that her heart started to break slowly.

"Only remember one thing Harm – as soon as I find out that you fuck another woman you will be out of my and the kids life!"
"Mac what are you talking about?"
"Reality! I'm talking about real life."
"I just don't get it," he said, turned around and started to wash and tuck Ellen in.
"What were you talking about Mac?"
"I just told you what I feel."
"You implied that I would be sleeping with another woman."
"You have to get it somewhere and for sure it isn't our bed," she replied coldly.
"Mac …"
"No Harm. I am a woman, just your wife. I feel things."
"You are completely wrong."
"Maybe? But we haven't had sex in nearly 6 months. How do you think I feel?"
"I thought you don't want to."
"Harm … you have never thought about that before I got pregnant with Ellen, so why now?"
"You were sick for a long time …"
"I am completely healthy. The baby is healthy. We are okay but you get into your PJ's, and since when do you sleep in pyjamas anyway?"
"Mac what do you want me …"
"Just remember what I just told you. I don't force you onto me," she added, turned on her heals and went towards the study to grab a book and read.
Things had been different between them lately. She had noticed it.

"… as I thought something could go wrong with our marriage."
"But Sarah, it happened once and you …"
"No Trish. It happened in our wedding bed. Do you have any clue how I felt seeing him with another woman? I wanted to surprise him," Mac started sobbing. "God," Mac was wandering around the room, "I had bought some new … yes I bought a teddy to be sexy for him again. I had been working out harder after Harm Jr. was born to look attractive again. But no, the very first time I am on a mission and I come home early I find him in bed with a blond bimbo while our kids are asleep two doors down the hall."

There was no reply from Trish. Mac only heard a crackling sound, as a package of Kleenex was opened. Mac had reached a point where she stopped caring. She was crying again, the first time in a long time. She had shed so many tears after that one night of her early return that there were no tears anymore for months. But now, telling her beloved mother-in-law what happened brought everything back.

"God Sarah, I cannot tell you how sorry I am. How are you able to work with Harm every day?" she asked with a sadness filling her voice.
"It works. Nobody knows what happened, just that we broke up. He takes every possible mission he can get to get out of Washington and I can only welcome it. Harriet, you remember Bud's wife? Well she once said something that he hopes he can go back to flying."
"He cannot."
"Maybe he will. What does he have to lose?"
"You and the kids."
"He has already lost me, Trish, and he doesn't show a huge interest in his kids, not even in his so wanted namesake."
"Don't say that. You don't know what he is going through now." After those words a long pause filled the conversation between the two women.
"I probably don't because I am not interested in it anymore. He had the chance to tell me what the problem was. He didn't want me anymore. He had made his bed. I don't sleep in it anymore, probably I never really have. I have forced myself on him the very first time we had an intimate contact. Maybe he never wanted to be more than friends." Mac took a deep breath and watched the snow flakes dance to the floor outside her window. "Probably I had mistaken a lot of things and it all took a painful end but it was probably the best for everybody."
"Sarah. You know that you are like the daughter I have never had. I knew a lot about you before we ever met because he couldn't stop talking about a Lt. MacKenzie. I couldn't wait to meet you. And you are everything he was ever looking for."
"But he decided to go to bed with somebody else."
"He did. It was a mistake. I am sure he knows it."
"Harm signed the papers without an argument."

Mac knocked at Harm's office door. It had been three weeks since that final night. No words were said, no fights were fought. Nothing. He had packed his stuff and moved to a hotel and afterwards to a small apartment.
Mac had thought that there would be arguments, fights, discussions over the house, the alimony and the children but there had never been any.
"Come in," she heard the voice from inside. Mac opened the door and entered the room and showed him the papers in her hand.
"Here, take your time with them," she said and was about to walk out again.
"You really want it?"
"What else should I do? You know I told you once."
"I remember it well," he said and started to sign the papers without even reading them. "If you wait a second you can take them with you again." He finished, got up from his chair and walked with them in his left hand towards her.
He handed her the papers. To be honest she wanted to cry, get a bottle of vodka and burrow under thousands of blankets, she really lusted for alcohol.
Her marriage was over now, officially. Somebody would have to tell the other people. Harm would probably do that, she told herself before asking. He only nodded in response.
"Do you want them back?" she asked trying to get her engagement and wedding band from her finger, but he stopped her, "No you can keep them and when Harm Jr. is old enough give them to him so he can propose to his future wife."

Those few words had given her the rest. She had turned on her heels and ran into the bathroom. After crying and throwing up, hiccups and more sobbing she left work without telling the admiral about her afternoon plans. She called him from home, telling him that she wasn't feeling well and it looked like the kids would be sick too. Of course it was a plane lie but she didn't care.
The next day everybody seemed to know. Everybody's eyes seemed to be on her. The admiral wanted to talk to her and she did. She didn't tell him why they broke up, she never told anybody – not even Harriet. The only one who knew about the real reasons was the still sealed bottle of vodka in the study in the middle of her table with the glass by its side.

She had been sitting in front of that bottle and the empty glass for weeks. How often had she told herself that one glass will not bring her back to alcoholism and how often had this small voice won the fight inside, telling her that she had two kids to take care of? She didn't want them to live the life she had, while partly succeeded by losing their father to another woman.

She had asked the admiral for a few days off and he agreed that it would probably be for the best. Before he let her go, he wanted to know how she was feeling. She couldn't look into AJ's eyes. Her chin sank down to her breastbone.
"How do you think I feel?"
"I only can imagine it. It was different when I got my divorce. I was a seal. But Mac you know, if you need anything, I am there for you."
"Thanks AJ, really. I only need a few days off to figure some things out, at home, my future and financially."
"There won't be any financial troubles Mac. Harm will pay what he has to pay even if I personally have to get the money from him."
"You don't even know what happened, the reasons, and you are …"
"Mac I do not have to know the reasons. I can see it in your eyes, you have been crying for more than one night. You haven't been sleeping well lately and you lost weight. What more do I need to figure things out? I can see that he hurt you, one way or the other. How you will handle things is up to you."
"Thanks for your understanding. It is not my intention to wash my dirty laundry at JAG."
"I know. It has never been your style. So see you next Monday and kiss the kids from me."
"Thank you, Sir."

"And you think it was easy for him?" Trish asked Mac insecurely.
"I don't know. I don't care. He probably knew that he had made a mistake and has to live with the consequences."
"But …"
"Trish, you know I love you. If you want to spend time with your grandchildren you are welcome. Please just don't drag Harm with you over here. I don't want to spend Christmas with him or one of his girlfriends. If he wants to see the kids, he knows he can call, pick them up and return them on time. He knows that. You are always welcome in my house Trish, as Frank is." Mac got off from the window bench and headed back to the fire place. "But I have to stop now; I have a few things to finish before going to bed."
"Well Sarah, so we'll see each other in a few days. Thanks for the invitation."
"You are welcome."
"See you."
"Bye," were Mac's last words before she threw the telephone through the room and started crying again. She had been able to store that memories in the very back of her mind and now, one simple call, had brought them all back.

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

End Part 1
More to come ???
ms.parker (at) gmx.at