Chapter 2
Cole smile down at his sleeping, and thoroughly sated, love. She had received his attentions with more appreciation than he would have thought possible, actually finding release in spite of the fact that his hands had shied away from touching her intimately in that area generally considered responsible for such responses in human women. Repeated stimulation of her inner thighs and breasts, augmented by substantial doses of sensually erotic energy, had moved her as deeply as a finger or two between those lovely, long legs ever could have. For this, he was grateful.
Smiling, he gently stroked her back, reveling in the feel of smooth, oily flesh under his fingertips. Mel was hardly the only one to have enjoyed the evening. His own body had derived enormous pleasure and was screaming for more. Later, he promised himself, returning his attention to Mel. Her entire beautiful body slick with the lavender oil and a faint smile on her face, she was as beautiful as Cole had seen her in some time.
The oil was a unique treat for him. More often than not, his Mel's body was merely Mel's body, slick with sweat, perhaps, but seldom so inviting while unconscious as it was now. It was Mel's actions and emotions that normally made her inviting to the Cirronian. Tonight, he found her body quite inviting on its own, even absent her desire. The smell was different, the context different. Always before, he had touched Mel under invitation, because it was what she wished. Tonight, that wish had been ambivalent. For that he could not blame her, no matter how much it pained him. If anyone had ever had a right to be reluctant at the touch of another, it was Mel in her current circumstance.
In spite of her fears, he could not find it in himself to resent what was not, especially not in the face of what was. Mel loved him as dearly as ever and that alone was important, all that mattered in the greater scheme. He had, after all, spent a long time in the beginning living with only her psychological affection. He could once more wait for the physical variety from her. When the time was right, she would come to him. In the meantime, the thought of that time would have been more than enough to satisfy him, even if thoughts of this evening had not. He doubted that he would ever be able to smell lavender again without remembering the sound of Mel's cries or the sight of her, tense and glistening on this bed, deriving more pleasure than should have been possible.
Sighing softly but not unhappily, he rose and pulled on a bathrobe, leaving his sleeping love and heading for the Vault. While his body was demanding one thing, his mind required something else entirely. He needed to talk to someone, badly. And, blessedly, the someone in question was not far off.
"Cole," Kallissa greeted him as he entered her office, not even bothering to knock. "What service might I provide on this... evening?"
It was not lost on Cole that she had to check her clock to affirm that it was, indeed, night. It was obscurely comforting. As much as he adored Mel, and loved Jess who would soon be returning to them for good, the presence of a Cirronian, born and bred, lack of sleep and all, had been sorely missed.
"Mel and I have done as you counseled," he told her, sitting. He was less interested in talking to a psychologist than to a friend, and few were dearer than Kallissa. That she was a psychologist as well was an added bonus. Surely, if anyone would know how he should proceed, it was her.
"Wonderful. And the outcome?"
"She rests now."
She raised an eyebrow. "That wasn't my question, friend."
Cole smiled faintly. So much time among the humans had him beating around the proverbial bush where there was really no real reason to.
"She experienced almost no anxiety."
"Wonderful." Kallissa smiled at him. "Then why are you here?"
His smile widened at her typically Cirronian lack of anything resembling tact. "I miss it, Kallissa."
"Human sexuality?"
Cole shook his head. "Having Mel crave my touch," he corrected her. As similar as it might have seemed to an outside observer it was, to the Tracker, very different indeed...
"Mmm, I see. Then, even after tonight's exercise, she still does not?"
"Her body does, but her soul resists. It frustrates me."
"These bodies have other ways of dealing with sexual frustration," she pointed out.
"You think I don't know that?" he demanded, annoyed. "You think I haven't learned since Khaeto? You think the physical frustration could possibly match the mental?"
Kallissa regarded him steadily, undeterred. "I think you know. I think you have learned. And I think that there is no way that any physical sensation could possibly match the depth of your pain on her behalf. The pleasure of the one is diminished by the agony of the other. And that is far more at the crux of the matter than any sensation or desire could ever be. You are in as much pain as Mel is. You blame yourself for the attempt and so for her pain. You take both on your shoulders, a private burden never shared, even with your own true love."
"Yes," he whispered, dropping into one of her chairs, tears in his eyes. "Yes..."
"I tell you that it is not your fault. You will not listen or hear, but I tell you all the same. Khaeto's actions are no more your fault this time than the last."
"That doesn't help..."
"I know." She sighed softly. "But you must not allow your fear to dominate, not when Mel needs you to be fearless where she can not."
"How can I be fearless in the face of her fear?"
"It is no easy task, I grant you. But if you can be fearless in the face of your own fear, then you can be fearless in the face of hers. You must be, for her own sake."
"Our last time together could not have been as pleasant for her as it should have," he admitted abruptly, bowing his head.
"What?" she asked, startled. Rising, she immediately moved to sit next to him. "Cole?"
"I... I felt I had something to prove, that I was not afraid in spite of Khaeto's actions. I..." He sighed softly. "I took almost no effort to please her. I wanted only to prove that I was still capable of making love."
She hesitated for a long moment before speaking. "It is understandable. Khaeto must have been highly distressing for both of you."
He frowned, half-sullen and half-defensive. "More for Mel."
"So I can imagine," she agreed. "Yet it must have impacted you as well. I remember the old days."
"It is no longer so fearful an idea as it once was."
"No, I can imagine not," she agreed, taking his hands in hers. "Which makes this the more frustrating for you. You feel guilty, not merely because of what Khaeto did to Mel, but because you desire what she is not yet ready to give. And is a man who desires an unwilling female really any better than Khaeto?" she added quietly.
His head shot up, his eyes wide as he stammered, struggling to frame a response. "I would... never... Kallissa, you must believe that I would not. I swear it!"
"Of course you would not," she agreed, giving him a reassuring smile and lightly brushing the hair out of his face. "But does your mind not play this trick on you? Do you not feel guilty for wanting her more than she wants you?"
He closed his eyes and bowed his head, tears spilling down his cheeks. "Yes," he whispered. "I should not... She does not need that from me!" he snapped. "At such a time, she needs a man who expects nothing!"
"And she has one," Kallissa murmured, smiling sadly at him. "What you desire and what you expect are two different matters, Cole."
He stared at her uncomprehendingly, wondering not for the first time why the training of psychiatric technicians did not include lessons on how to speak plainly.
She shook her head at his lack of comprehension. "Your meditations and your fantasies are filled with Mel, aren't they? With her, naked and receptive, her body moving against yours? Covered in sweat, writhing and crying out, begging you for more? These are the things you see when you deal with your own physical frustrations, aren't they?"
He bit his lower lip and nodded, ashamed to admit such a thing, even to such a dear and understanding friend as Kallissa.
"Yet, for all that, is Mel even aware of the behavior? Does she know that you do to yourself what she can no longer do for you? Does she know of your fantasies, your urges?"
He shook his head slowly. He had always been most conscientious about keeping notice of those things from Mel, for numerous reasons.
"You put no pressure on her, then, and are, therefore, in no way guilty of any impropriety." She shook her head, sighing. "Cole, you've always been so quick to take the blame for everything upon yourself. My advise is to lay blame where it is due. You did not attempt to rape Mel, Khaeto did. And of course you desire her: you love her! There would be guilt to be had in you desire, certainly, if you pressured her or complained, but you do neither. She is not even aware. So there can be no blame in that, either." She sighed again, touching his forehead. "You near exhaustion. Go, meditate. We can talk later."
He nodded slowly, rising. "And Mel?"
"Mel will hear nothing that has passed between us in this conversation unless from your own lips."
"No, I meant..."
"Ah, of course. More of the same for many nights, I think. Or perhaps she might wish the opportunity to touch you."
"Me?" he repeated, startled.
"It may yet be early for this pursuit, but in time, she may well come to you. Not for sex right away, but to prove to you that you are still loved and desired. Do nothing to push her on that count, but by no means should you deny her if she comes to you of her own accord."
"You really think she might?" he asked, smiling hopefully.
The Cirronian woman smiled in answer, nodding. "I see no reason to suspect otherwise. It brings her one step closer to becoming receptive. She is already starting to learn that there is nothing to fear from your touch, but there is still your body to consider. She will need to become reacquainted with that as well."
He closed his eyes, a shudder tearing through his entire frame at the thought of Mel touching him as he had touched her tonight, perhaps even more intimately, not shying away from some of his most sensitive areas.
"Perhaps you can consider that while you take your evening shower," Kallissa suggested mildly. "Perhaps the guilt will be less and the pleasure more."
Cole stared at her uncertainly for a long moment before quietly asking, faintly ashamed, "Do you think it's... wrong, Kallissa?"
"The pursuit of physical pleasure in this manner? On your own, without your mate? Unique to the human race, perhaps, but not wrong, no. Especially not under circumstances such as these. Human bodies, as those of any species, are specially designed to react strongly to sexual stimuli. These pleasures are meant to be a celebration of love and if, as you take them, you think about your love, then they remain so, a reflection of your love for her, whether she is there with you or not."
Cole considered in silence for a long moment before slowly nodding and whispering, "Thank you."
She smiled reassuringly. "It is always my pleasure to help those I care about. Go now. Good night, Cole."
"Good night, Kallissa," he answered, turning and leaving her office quickly.
Until Kallissa had brought up the idea of Mel touching him as he had touched her tonight, the sense of desire he had woken in himself doing so had been easy enough to stifle. Now it was almost oppressive in its severity. And its immediacy. He was glad that he met no one on his way to the teleporter, aware that he was walking with an awkward gait that almost certainly would have raised questions even if other, more visible, symptoms had not.
It was a relief to be able to shed his robe in the bathroom and climb into the invitingly hot shower, gratefully sliding to the floor and considering his friend's advice for a several minutes before acting on it.
(SCENE BREAK)
He felt worlds better when he rejoined the soundly-sleeping Mel in bed half an hour later. He still ached for her touch, but he did not need it, not as he had. It would be enough to hold her close as she slept now. He doubted he would ever be able to completely forget the mental images he had conjured in that shower, but they had allowed him what had to have been the most enjoyable release he had found since the attempt on Mel. The others had been clumsy, mechanical, frankly almost painful as he desperately pursued what he knew to be the only thing that would allow him to hide his desire for Mel from her. This time, though, had found him sobbing with pleasure rather than frustration or anguish.
"You're wet," a sleepy voice mumbled, intruding into his reflections on the significance of how pleasant the act had actually been.
"I took a shower," he answered, petting her hair. "Go back to sleep, Taushi."
"Cole, thank you for tonight."
"Thank you for it as well," he answered honestly. "I enjoyed it very much."
"So did I."
He smiled faintly. He would never be able to tell her that he had enjoyed certain parts of his evening in much the same way as she had enjoyed her own, but it did feel good to think about her hands on his body. He quickly pushed those thoughts aside before they could have a noticeable effect on him.
"You're so good to me."
"I try my best. Now rest," he advised.
"I don't want to rest."
"Then what do you want?" he answered automatically, wincing even before the words were fully out. That had been almost precisely the exchange that they had shared so many times after becoming lovers, times before Khaeto...
"Just to hold on to you. Is that okay?" she asked, looking up at him through the darkness, hesitant. The significance of the exchange was not lost on her any more than it had been on Cole.
"I told you earlier, Mel. Tonight is your night. Whatever you want." He kissed the top of her head, pulling her into a tender embrace. "But you do have to work tomorrow. You know how busy we are on Saturdays."
She sighed and nodded, clinging to him and closing her eyes again. "Tonight was... it felt good, Cole."
"I'm glad Mel."
"What next?"
"More of the same. For as long as we need to. Don't worry, Mel. We'll find the pace that is right for you."
"You're so good to me."
"You already said that. Now get some rest," he directed more firmly.
"Would you mind putting me to sleep. Tonight was so wonderful. I don't want any dreams ruining it."
"Then none will," he assured her tenderly, passing his hand in front of her face and releasing a burst of sedative energy.
He sighed softly, rearranging and covering her. No dreams tonight. Oblivion was a desire he could understand, as often as her dreams were still troubled by memories of Khaeto. Still, he found himself hopeful that, eventually, nights spent as this one had been would lead to dreams of an entirely different variety, dreams that Mel would not wish to avoid, dreams prominently featuring him, he hoped.
(SCENE BREAK)
Mel smiled shyly at Cole as they finished cleaning the bar for the night. The whole day had been spent that way, he had noticed. Mel had rarely been able to look him in the eye for more than a few moments at a time, and when she did, the look was always accompanied by that sweetly shy smile and a faint flush of color to her cheeks. He was charmingly reminded of the way she had been after their first night together. It was like any Cirronian woman's first day as a wife, that beautiful combination of innocent and freshly educated. It was alluring, exactly as her shyness after their first night had been, alluring the way Nallia had been the day after their marriage. A new bride was a beautiful thing to any man, and Mel was acting like one now. Others may have noticed her manner, but none had commented, for which he was grateful, if only for her sake. Mel was, after all, shy and easily embarrassed. Her recovery was difficult enough without adding more embarrassment into the mix.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked quietly, smiling shyly up at him for a moment before ducking her head.
"I think of my love," he answered honestly, gently grasping her chin and pushing her face up. "I think of her beauty and I remember what it is to touch her."
"Oh." Mel blushed and tried to bow her head again. When Cole refused to release his gentle hold on her chin, she forced her eyes away instead. It was no easy task, not with the love and intensity in his gaze.
"Don't be shy, my love," he murmured, pulling her into a gentle embrace. "And do not be afraid, not of me."
"Never of you," she agreed, closing her eyes and leaning into his chest. "After last night, I hardly see how I could be."
He smiled. "It would please me to touch you again tonight exactly as I did last night. Would that please you as well?"
Mel stared up at him with wide eyes for a moment before speaking. "Uh... I, uh... Cole, baby..." she began hesitantly.
"If it is not what you wish," Cole began, startled by the reluctance in her tone when his every Cirronian sense told him that this was exactly what she wanted from him.
"Oh, Cole, it's not that," she assured him. "I loved last night and... well, I wouldn't mind a repeat, but..." She sighed softly, not looking at him as she spoke. "Where's it leave you?"
He frowned faintly. "I do not understand, Mel."
Mel stared up at him with wide eyes. "Can you honestly not?" she whispered. "Don't you... I mean..." She inhaled deeply before continuing. "Cole, when I... when we... became involved, you were so... eager..."
"Of course I was, my love," he agreed, nodding. "How could I be anything else in the face of your pleasure and desire?"
"But... now that I... don't have that desire..." She batted helplessly at the tears trailing down her cheeks. "Do... do you still... feel those things?" She shook her head, staring miserably up at him.
Cole inhaled deeply at the question, regarding her thoughtfully as he considered how to answer. Yes, honesty was important to any relationship, something Mel prized, and something he was raised to. But would honesty do anything more than trouble her, possibly even alienate her? If the truth did not make her feel guilty, which had always been his greatest fear, might it not anger her, convince her that he was no different at bottom than the monster who had attacked her?
"Cole, baby, talk to me!" she pled, this time making no effort to fight her tears. "I need to know what you're thinking. All I can feel from you is pain..." She shook her head, struggling to compose herself when she became aware that her tears were troubling him further. "I need to know. You're my lover and I'm yours, whatever may or may not be true this instant. And for the past few months, I've felt awful for holding out on you. I'm the reason you even know what that body's capable of, and now I won't even touch you!"
"Mel," he breathed, never loosening his hold on her as he steered her towards the stairwell and up into the apartment. "I can not deny how much I crave your touch," he admitted, shrugging helplessly. "But you must never feel guilty about this." He seized on to Kallissa's words of the previous evening. Words that he himself had uttered more than once in the past. "No one is to blame but Khaeto."
"I know that, but--"
"No," he interrupted quickly, shaking his head and pressing two fingers to her lips. They were beautiful lips and he could not resist the temptation to gently trace their contours with his fingertips. He smiled faintly as her eyes drifted shut in response to the caress. "My love, I had needs long before you showed me how together we could satisfy them. I can not deny that I miss your touch, but you must understand that this is no different than it was in the beginning. I waited then and was not disappointed. I wait now and know that I will not be." He smiled warmly down at her. "Let me touch you again, Mel, please. There is still more lavender oil."
"I thought you didn't like floral smells," she murmured, staring at her feet as her body made its vote on the matter known to her.
"This one reminds me of you," he answered simply. "Very sweet and soft, but powerful. Spicy, as well."
"Spicy?" Mel repeated, bemused as to why that particular aspect of the scent should remind him of her.
"Mmm," he answered, bending and kissing her throat.
Mel moaned softly and closed her eyes as his tongue flicked out, gently tracing the lines forming the hollow of her throat. Trust Cole to turn sex into the sort of thing that encompassed all the senses. Hell, why should a man who used his sixth sense during sex fail to use his sense of taste as well?
"Mel?" he asked after a moment.
"Yeah?" she whispered, slowly opening her eyes.
"You didn't answer my question."
"What question?" she asked, frowning faintly. Playing twenty questions with Cole was the last thing she had in mind, not after that kiss, especially not after last night.
"May I touch you again?"
"Oh, that question." She smiled up at him. "You'd like that a lot, wouldn't you, Cole?"
"Yes, Mel," he breathed.
She smiled both at his words and his tone of voice. He was actually teasing her! She spent a moment wondering how long it had been since he had done that and then deciding that it really did not matter. The point was that he was doing it again. Things really were returning to normal, in spite of the hang-ups she still suffered from. They would not be there forever, she promised herself.
"Cole, you can touch me until morning if you want," she assured him, reaching for her top button.
"Only until morning?" he asked, gently pushing her hand away and taking over the task himself.
Mel swallowed hard, ruthlessly suppressing the surge of anxiety that insisted on asserting itself the moment Cole started to take the encounter into his own hands.
"I would touch you far longer, with your permission," the Cirronian continued, not unmindful of her anxiety. He unbuttoned the top two buttons of her blouse and then paused, his fingertips lingering over her heart as he waited for her response.
"As long as you want," Mel answered, smiling up at him. With a reassuring nod, she took his hands and tugged him towards the bed. "Just... touch me like last night."
"With pleasure," he answered honestly, grinning down at her as he resumed the interrupted task of undressing her.
The task was accomplished easily enough. After their first night together, he had quickly grown intimately familiar with the intricacies of human female clothing and undergarments. As the articles in question were now the only barrier between him and Mel, he made short work of them, dropping them carelessly on the floor rather than wasting time folding or hanging them.
When she stood before him, naked and smiling shyly, he took a long moment simply to admire her. She was quite simply perfect, from her flaming hair to her cute little toes with every inch of speckled hide in between offering some other proof of that perfection. Smooth planes, soft curves, firm muscles, all combined into what Cole considered the single most perfect physical body he had ever seen. He was biased, he knew, but that did not stop him from appreciating it, either.
"Morah," he whispered, retrieving the half-empty bottle of lavender and dropping to sit on the edge of the bed.
"Looks like that's the last of the oil," she remarked, still smiling that same shy smile.
Cole found it enchanting. And alluring. "Then I will get more after you are asleep. Do you want lavender, or some other scent? I've read that the smell of patchouli has a very... interesting effect on human females."
"Whatever you want, Cole," she answered, her smile turning tender. "God, I love you."
"As I love you," he answered, smiling. "Please, lie down."
"Stomach or back?" she answered playfully.
Cole raised an eyebrow, both amused and pleased by that response. "On your back," he answered, wondering how far Mel's playful mood would extend and hoping that he was not pushing their luck. "Tell me if I go too fast."
She nodded and stretched out, closing her eyes. "I prefer it when you go slow, Cole, you know that..."
"That isn't what I meant, Mel," he answered, shaking his head and heating the remaining oil with a burst of energy. "If you grow uncomfortable..."
"I know," she whispered, smiling up at him. "I know and I am grateful." She gave him an encouraging nod. "God, I remember when things like this only happened in my dreams."
"Were they sweet dreams, Mel?" he asked, drizzling oil onto her throat.
"Very sweet," she assured him, moaning at the feel of hot oil on a throat already sensitized to what was to come.
"Good."
Smiling, Cole rested two fingers of each hand on her throat, slowly massaging the oil in with a circular motion. His smile widened as Mel let out another moan, this one longer and lower than the last. The throat of a receptive Cirronian female was almost as sensitive as the little bundle of nerve-endings that human women kept between their legs, and he knew it. Mel knew it, too, which made her easy acceptance of his attentions a very promising thing. Grateful, he continued on like that. Last night, he had avoided her throat in favor of more human erogenous areas, not wanting to remind her of Khaeto. Tonight, it did not seem that any such precautions would be necessary. As long as he kept his energy relatively neutral and avoided the same areas that he had avoided the night before. For another opportunity to make Mel feel what she had last night, it was well worth it.
Nodding to himself, he slid his oil-covered hands lower, letting his slick fingers skirt across her nipples. Mel's little grunt of approval was all the leave he needed to turn his caress from teasing to evocative. He had no interest in teasing Mel, leaving her desirous but unfulfilled. That was, in fact, the farthest thing from his mind.
He wanted her to be every bit as satisfied as he could make her, more satisfied than he had ever left her in the past. He had started to notice, especially lately, that Mel was frequently as sexually frustrated as he himself was. It was, he knew, far harder on her, though. For her, frustration and desire were also accompanied by confusion, fear, guilt, memories... Those memories were the worst, and he was determined to wash those away.
Mel was startled to find herself breathing heavily almost immediately. Unlike last night, Cole was not beating around the bush. Satisfied that he had finally found a way to touch her without triggering a panic-attack, he seemed bent on making up for lost time. Unless she was very much mistaken, this was no longer simple foreplay for the Cirronian. There would be no penetration, not even with those marvelously skilled fingers of his, but that did not matter in the grander scheme. This was as much sex for him as if they had actually been making love, she was sure. She could feel it in his emotional response every time she reacted. In his mind, she supposed that making love to her was exactly what he was doing, giving and receiving pleasure through physical contact. Cole had found a way to push her buttons without pushing her button and he was exploiting it, giving her what he had not been able to since Khaeto's attack.
"God, Cole," she murmured, closing her eyes and struggling to breathe. "How?"
"How what?" he asked, turning his attention from her breasts to her throat again. Inhaling deeply, he nuzzled the sensitive tissue for a moment before starting to tenderly nibble at it.
Mel let out a gasp at that, automatically sliding her arms around him and pulling his body flush with hers. Startled by that reaction, she started to push him off before realizing that the weight of his body was causing no anxiety, was actually obscurely comforting. Refusing to analyze that reaction for fear that it might be replaced by a far less pleasant one, she arched against him instead, reveling in that hard heat.
Quite a bit of hard heat, she realized, her eyes widening slightly.
"Cole?" she breathed.
"Yes, Mel?" he murmured, nuzzling her throat until he could kiss it again.
"This is turning you on, isn't it?"
"Yes, Mel," he agreed, lifting his head and smiling reassuringly at her. "It's okay, Mel," he promised.
"What about you?" she asked, staring at him. Desire was starting to recede, replaced by shame. Not only was she holding out on him, now she was holding out on him and stringing him along.
"I enjoy this very much," he answered, brushing her hair out of her face. "Don't worry, Mel. Just feel..."
"I am feeling!" she snapped, sitting up and shoving him off. "And among other things, I'm feeling this," she said, reaching between his legs and grasping his erection through his trousers. Under any other circumstances, the look on his face would have been comical. As it was, it just made Mel feel worse. Sobbing, she buried her face in her hands.
"Mel," Cole sighed, gathering her into her arms and holding her close, rocking and crooning soothingly. "Please do not be upset, Mel."
"You poor man," she cried, shaking her head. "What am I doing to you?"
He hushed her gently, releasing soothing energy into the back of her neck as he continued to rock her. Her tears might as well have been a bucket of ice-water for all the effect they had on his arousal. He was grateful for that reaction because he suspected that Mel would only have grown more hysterical if the arousal had remained. Holding her tightly, he buried his face in her hair and rocked her until her sobs became sniffles, weeping silently himself.
"Don't be upset, Mel," he urged when she had calmed herself, smiling apologetically at her. "It won't happen again, I promise. I'm sorry."
"You?" she repeated, shaking her head incredulously. "Cole, I'm the one who should be sorry. I have been..." She trailed off, shaking her head.
He frowned faintly as he realized that guilt, not fear or revulsion, was behind her behavior. Yes, fear and revulsion were still there, as they had been since Khaeto, but the guilt was worse, for her and in his own mind. "Mel, my reactions are my own."
"Yeah, but they're my fault!"
"No." He shook his head. "They are nobody's fault. They are simply... how a human body is designed to operate."
Mel bit her lower lip and shook her head. "But... I asked if you still wanted me and you said..."
"I said that I desired your touch. Of course I do." He shook his head. "But that does not change anything. What is most important in our relationship has never been any physical thing. It is here." He touched one hand to her heart, then rested the other in her lap. Carefully. He wanted to make a point, not cross a line. "Not here."
Mel stared down at the hand in her lap with wide eyes, but made no move to pull away. "This must be so hard for you..."
"It is," he agreed, lifting his hand from her lap to her throat. "But not because of any amount of frustrated desire. It is what causes that desire to be frustrated that pains me. I... I have blamed myself for so long..."
Her eyes widened. "But... Cole, that's ridiculous!" she protested.
"As ridiculous as you blaming yourself for the fact that my human body has human reactions to human stimuli?" he challenged, shaking his head. "No, Mel. You are no more to blame for that than I am for Khaeto's actions. We must lay aside our guilt now, stop dwelling on the past. It is our present and our future that should concern us. You are my mate. I love you. I will always love you. And even if we could never make love again, I would continue to love you. This is all you should think about when you think of me. My love for you is absolute and it is without condition."
"I wish mine could be," she whispered, shaking her head. "Cole, I know how badly you must want things to be like they were..."
"Of course I do. I hate the nightmares. I hate the anxiety attacks. I hate that I can do nothing for you to ease them. These are the things I resent, not the fact that we no longer make love. If I were given the choice, I would go back to the time before we became intimate and you were free of this pain before I would resume our intimacy with you still suffering."
Mel stared at him with wide eyes, reaching up and gently petting his throat. "What did I do to deserve you?"
"It could take me some time to recite the list, Mel," he murmured. "Besides, I have told you many times in the past all of the things you have done to earn my love." Smiling, he gathered her into his lap, cuddling her close. "You're very tired now. You should rest."
"Don't you want to... finish?" she asked slowly, not sure if she should have or not. Cole had been enjoying himself, obviously. And if he continued touching her, he would no doubt continue to enjoy himself. But, at the same time, nothing would come of it, not tonight, and he would be left frustrated.
Again.
Because of her...
"After you have rested," he promised, smiling reassuringly. "I would not wish to deprive you of sleep you obviously need. It was late when we started and the night has been more emotionally draining than I thought it would be. Rest," he urged, rocking her. "Rest, my love, without fear or doubt or recrimination."
Pressing his lips to her forehead, Cole began crooning gently to Mel, singing her one of his favorite Cirronian lullabies and releasing soothing energy until she drifted into a sound sleep.