Chapter 4
Mel inhaled deeply, squaring her shoulders as Cole entered the bedroom.
"You wanted to see me, Mel?"
She nodded, not turning from the window. "Yeah. Do me a favor, will you?"
"Of course, Mel. Anything."
She turned around slowly, swallowing hard before murmuring, "Take your clothes off."
The Cirronian's eyes widened at the request. As much as he adored her and missed her touch, he wondered if she was honestly ready for it. There was still so much fear there...
"Why, Mel?"
"Because, I owe you one." She smiled reassuringly up at him, closing the distance between them and reaching for the top button of his shirt. "You've been so good to me lately. The least I can do is return the favor."
He stared down at her with wide eyes as she slowly unbuttoned his shirt. "Mel, you do not have to do this," he began.
"I know. But I want to."
"Why, Mel?"
"Because I love you." She smiled up at him, nodding reassuringly. "Just relax. We've done this before. You like it," she reminded him.
"I know I do, Mel, but..."
"Don't worry, Cole. I know what I'm doing. I want this."
"Are you sure, Mel? It has only been a few days since you allowed me to start touching you again."
"I know how long it's been, Cole," she whispered. "It's been too long."
"Mel," he started again, shaking his head.
"Cole, don't worry," she urged. "Come on. It's okay. We are okay."
He hesitated for a moment, staring thoughtfully down at her. Her expression was encouraging and her life-force nothing short of seductive.
"Do you remember how it used to be?" she asked gently, giving him an encouraging nod. "When all you knew how to do was lie back and let me touch you?"
"I remember," he whispered weakly, nodding. His body was starting to react quite overtly to her overtures, even as his heart continued to hesitate.
"I know it's different this time, but I remember how much you love the things I used to do to you." She smiled hopefully at him. "Let me touch you, Cole."
"Why, Mel?"
"Because I need you as much as you need me." She shook her head faintly. "Cole, I know... I know what my fears keep us from doing, but they shouldn't keep us from being close to each other, either."
"Close?" he repeated, swallowing hard.
"You know what I mean," she told him gently, shaking her head. "Cole, I want you to be honest with me. Whether you say yes or no to me right now... this is what you want, isn't it?"
"I..." He swallowed again. "Mel, I can not deny that I miss your touch, but--"
"Don't Cole," she interrupted gently. "You have to understand that I do want this. I miss touching you as much as you have missed touching me."
"I have missed touching you," he confessed, regarding her uncertainly. Amazingly, there was no fear or distaste in her expression in response to these words. She was eager, nothing more. "And I have missed your touch," he continued. "Yet... Mel, I can ask nothing of you."
"You don't have to ask," Mel assured him. "Oh, Cole..." She shook her head. "I like touching you, same as you like touching me. So, maybe we can't touch each other at the same time yet. It doesn't mean we can't touch each other. Maybe... maybe it beats touching ourselves."
Cole stared at her, wide-eyed.
"I don't know about you, but that hasn't done a thing for me. I mean... every time I start to feel anything, that fear is back. When you touch me... there isn't any fear. I'm grateful for that. Maybe it means that someday we'll be able to make love again. I hope so. But, until then... I like it when you touch me, Cole, and I want to touch you."
He hesitated for a long moment. "Only because you want to."
"No other reason," she assured him, smiling shyly. "I... once, I wouldn't have admitted it. Once I was so shy and... constrained that I couldn't even really enjoy being touched by other men, but I... I like touching you. I like hearing you respond and feeling you respond. I love what I can do to you as much as I love what you can do to me."
He regarded her uncertainly before whispering, "Why, Mel?"
"Why do I love what I can do to you, or why do I want to do this now?"
He hesitated before confessing, "Both."
"I love what I can do to you for the same reason you love what you can do to me," she answered, shrugging. "And I want to do this to you now because... because I can. I want to. I want to hear you and... to feel you. I've missed it." She sighed softly. "Cole, do you want to be felt and heard?"
"Always, Mel."
"Then let me touch you."
Cole nodded, allowing her to gently nudge him towards the bed, no longer resisting as she tugged at his shirt-buttons. She wanted this, perhaps even worse than he did.
Mel removed the shirt quickly, deciding that she could wait to strip him the rest of the way. Pushing him onto the bed, eager both to please him and to engage in play that she had not since before Khaeto, she came down on top of him, kissing him tenderly. She could not help but smile at his low moan in response to her weight against his chest. Or perhaps it was in response to her kiss, to a level of abandonment she had not allowed herself to engage in since before. Either way, he was clearly enjoying it. Still he made no move to reciprocate, simply laying still and enjoying the kiss.
Comforted and encouraged, Mel continued kissing him, moving her lips to his throat, lightly sliding her hands lower, her fingertips playing across the sensitive skin of his chest, teasing nipples as sensitive as her own.
The Cirronian groaned, staring up at her with wide eyes. He truly had missed the feel of his Mel's hands on his body, and this was a welcomed reminder of times past. Some of those past times were in the early days, times when she had not been touching with the intent to arouse or even garner a reaction. Some were reminders of times later, when she had touched him only to withdraw. And then there were times much later when she had touched him, fully intending to excite him and obviously eager for him to respond.
This, admittedly, was not the case now, but he could not help but enjoy her tender and passionate caresses all the same, especially not in light of the less-than-innocent nature of the kisses she was bestowing on his throat. It was more than physical, though, he was pleased to find. Her overtures called to him spiritually as well, reminding him not only of the times they had made love with each other but the times when she their touches had been more innocent, an expression of platonic affection rather than physical passion.
Their care for each other had always been the main draw between them, from the very beginning when some unknown force had compelled Mel Porter to accept Daggon, soon to be Cole Hauser, into her heart and had, at the same time, compelled him to accept hers into his. It had, admittedly, taken them time to see the truth of their love for each other, but once accepted there was no denying it, try as they might. He loved her and she loved him. And they were together. And...
Oh, and how he loved her, he reflected, watching avidly as she kissed her way from his throat to his chest, her hands traveling lower still, the advance-guard for whatever manner of assault she had planned on his senses. Not that he only loved her for the things she made him felt, yet her touch was euphoric.
"Taushi," he breathed as she kissed and nibbled her way from his sensitive throat to his sensitive chest, her lips and tongue tickling the flesh near his human heart.
Yes, oh, yes... There could be no denying how glorious her attentions felt, no denying it at all. Not any more than there could be any denying how much he loved her, and that was beyond words. If his attentions to her had been only a shallow reflection of that love, that must have meant that her attentions to him were the same, and that thought, that she might love him as much as these attentions indicated, perhaps even more...
He moaned again as Mel slid lower, kissing and nibbling at his abdomen and stomach, closer and closer to the most sensitive areas his human body contained. Even if there had been resistance, her lips, tongue, and teeth would have melted it easily. His breath hitched in his throat as she caught hold of his belt, chuckling softly at his startled exclamation.
Almost before the Cirronian knew what was happening, Mel had divested him of his slacks and was slowly, laboriously stripping off his underwear, teasing him with the amount of time she took at the task. That teasing, though, was soon to be repaid, he knew. Like the touches he had bestowed on her in the past few days, this would find fruition. The urges she was exciting would be satisfied, he knew, exactly as he had satisfied the urges he had awakened in Mel.
"My love," he breathed as she finished stripping off his briefs. "My love..."
"My love," she answered, smiling tenderly. Her expression shy, she rested her hands on his stomach for a moment. "God, I've missed being able to touch you."
"I have missed being able to touch you, as well," he answered. "And I have missed being touched by you."
"I don't want Khaeto to come between us any more," she whispered, shaking her head and leaning to kiss his chest, over his heart.
"Then he shall not." He smiled warmly down at her, taking her hands in his. "Mel, my love..."
She closed her eyes, smiling down at the Cirronian. "I used to dream of this," she admitted.
"Of me?" he asked, eyeing her hopefully. "Of... touching me?"
"Mmm." She nodded faintly, inhaling deeply. "Earlier... before you came back for me, I... I would dream. I'd be asleep in my bed, and you would come and wake me up. We'd talk. You'd tell me about one of your fugitives or... about your old life and family or... ask me something about this planet and our customs, and then..."
"And then?" he prompted gently when she faltered.
"And then... you would touch me. You'd start with my throat, like you've always done, to comfort me or... just to prove to both of us that you were there and then..."
"And then?" he repeated, almost breathless. Just listening to her gentle voice as she shyly told him of these dreams of hers was starting to have an effect on him, every bit as much as her touch was.
"And then your hands would start to wander." She smiled weakly, shrugging. "In my dreams, your hands always started to wander. You would be caressing my throat and then my hands would wander and... well, I think you know the rest. We've lived it enough times since."
He smiled faintly, shaking his head. "Yes, Mel, we have lived that imagining. My hands frequently wandered and I always enjoy it."
"So do I," she whispered, allowing her own hands wander, exactly as they always ended up doing in her dreams.
Cole gasped as those soft hands found their way below his waist, lightly grasping his male signature, her fingertips teasing it to life.
Mel smiled, laughing softly. "You like that?"
He moaned, nodding. "Oh, very much, Mel..."
"Thought you might," she answered, smiling and gently squeezing.
Cole gasped, falling back against the bed. "Mel!"
"Cole," she answered, tugging lightly and smiling at the Cirronian's rather overt response. He moaned loudly, arching his back. "Thought you'd like that," she whispered, continuing her attentions to the Cirronian. Or, more accurately, to certain parts of the Cirronian.
Cole groaned softly, giving up even the pretence of resistance or hesitation. What he could feel of Mel's emotional state, admittedly little against the backdrop of his own reactions, told him that she was enjoying this teasing very much. Soft, deft hands reminded him of everything he had been missing in the past months and promised an eventual return to that level of intimacy. It was not exactly as fulfilling as making love to her, but it definitely beat trying to please himself where she could not.
"Mel!" he gasped, falling backwards against the pillows, shaking his head in spite of his own pleasure. As enjoyable as it was, it did not seem entirely right to take his pleasure in this way. Mel, though, seemed disinclined to do anything but touch him. Suspecting that she needed to touch him as much as he had needed to touch her, he gave in. "Ah, my love! Yes! Ah..." His tense body relaxing, he went limp under her, whimpering as he found release. It had been too long since he had at any but his own hand. He was grateful to her for it. He doubted he would ever forget the feel of her hand, the emotions she was capable of evoking. "Oh, yes," he panted, shaking his head. "Oh, yes...."
Mel smiled faintly, shaking her head. "You liked that, didn't you?" she breathed.
He inhaled deeply, considering for a long moment before speaking. "I have not felt such pleasure in some time, my love."
"Go on," she urged, nodding encouragingly.
Heartened by the fact that she did not seem even slightly unsettled by his enjoyment of her touch, he spoke. "There is nothing so wonderful as the touch of a lover, Mel. My own touch could not come close."
"Couldn't it?" she asked, resting her cheek against his chest, smiling at the sound of his heartbeat.
"It has not yet," he answered simply, running his fingers through her hair. "Mel, my love... Taushi, I can only thank you for this gift."
"What gift?" She smiled and shook her head, tenderly caressing what was left of his arousal. That was not much, but she knew he would still enjoy her touch, exactly as he always did. Perhaps she might even encourage another erection, another response like that last one. "That's good, isn't it? Feels nice?"
"Always," he answered breathlessly.
He had missed Mel's open affection, and not merely the foreplay, either. Before Khaeto, she had touched him so freely, hugging and cuddling, caressing him in a way that was frequently but not always sexual. Sometimes, those caresses had been nothing more than displays of love and affection. He had never minded that, grateful for her affection in whatever form it cared to take. Things had changed after Khaeto, though. The caresses had stopped and she had stopped clinging to him in anything but fear. No matter how long it took for them to be able to make love again, he was grateful that she was once again more willing to cuddle with him, touch him, out of affection and to caress him for the simple pleasure of it.
"Good." Smiling more widely, she bent, peppering his throat and chest with kisses. "You have been such a sweetheart... how can I ever repay you?"
"What is there to repay, my love?" he asked, regarding her curiously. "Touching you is nothing but a pleasure to me. If it pleases you as well, why should you thank me?"
"I can think of a lot of things to repay," she answered, her hands starting yet another trek down his body.
"My love," he murmured, shaking his head and pushing her hands aside.
"You want me to stop?"
"No. I want you to keep touching me. But I want to touch you as well," he answered, eyeing her hopefully.
She smiled and shook her head. "I think we can manage that."
"Not in these clothes."
Startled, Mel stared down at herself for a moment before nodding and rising. She had almost forgotten that she was wearing them. Even now, she usually slept in the nude. In a more sexualized context, nudity once more became somewhat problematic. Still, they were a mess now, and hardly conducive to the sort of activities that the evening seemed to promise. Shrugging, she shucked them quickly until she was standing before Cole naked.
To her own mind, naked and vulnerable.
To his, naked and receptive. Powerful.
"I love you like this," he whispered.
"I... I love being like this," she answered, smiling shyly. Wanting, needing more than his admiration or affection, she quickly requested, "Cole, my love... make love to me."
"Soon," he promised, sensing that there was still a part of her that balked at such an idea. "Soon, Mel. Just... not yet."
"But..."
He silenced her with a kiss, smiling adoringly down at her. "Soon," he repeated, nodding. "Be of good spirit. I am yours as you are mine. As yours, I can do nothing but make you happy..."
Mel smiled and tenderly kissed him in return. "Make love to me," she repeated.
"Soon," he promised, rising and pulling her to her feet.
"Cole?"
"Don't worry," he murmured, smiling and shaking his head. "I have made a mess of us both. We should shower and clean this off."
"Shower?" Mel repeated, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet.
She was a sticky mess, she realized with a faint smile, her face and hands worse than her clothes. When was the last time Cole had done this to her? Ah, of course. Their first night together. She definitely needed a shower or, at least, to wash her hands and change into clean clothes. And, of course, her showers were always more enjoyable when interrupted by Cole.
"My love," he repeated, taking her hand and leading her to the bathroom.
Smiling and closing her eyes, Mel waited until she heard water running, then allowed herself to be steered under the hot jet. It felt good, she realized as the almost-scorching water bounced off of her shoulders and sheeted down her chest, stomach, and back, tenderly caressing her. It felt good even before she factored in the fact that it felt like a caress, evocative of Cole's tender touches.
"So warm," Cole murmured, climbing into the shower behind her.
Smiling, he wrapped his arms around her from behind, holding her close as the water poured over her, over both of them, washing away both stress and the proof of his earlier pleasure. He loved holding Mel close in the shower, experiencing the warmth of the water and the warmth of his lover at once. He loved the feel of her back against his chest, loved the way her body felt in his arms and the way her stomach felt under his hands, soft and smooth. He could have been happy holding her like this forever. If only the shadow of pain could be lifted from her heart...
"Remember the first time we made love in the shower?" she asked, relaxing against his chest and keeping her eyes closed. She was too comfortable to do much other than relax in his arms. "Tried to, at least?"
He smiled wryly. Broken bones were a hard thing to forget and, in his enthusiasm, he had managed to give himself several, slipping on the wet floor when he reacted a little too eagerly to Mel's overtures. Nowadays, he much preferred making love during baths rather than showers, even if he had never been in the habit of rebuffing Mel's advances anywhere.
"I don't think I'll ever forget the look on your face," she added, laughing and shaking her head.
"Is that the only thing about that experience that you will never forget?" he murmured, nuzzling her throat.
He had been very irritated by the painful turn the encounter had taken, grumbling angrily as he forced the bones in his arm back into place while she looked on, horrified. That accomplished, he had healed the injuries and eagerly encouraged her to resume her interrupted seduction of him. Mel had been more than a little shocked and had required a great deal of encouragement to regain her earlier mood. She had, though, eventually, and they had shared a very memorable experience on the bathroom floor. And in the hallway. Living room. Kitchen. War room. Bedroom...
Cole felt himself coloring as he remembered that day. It had been a good one: a morning and afternoon spent in lovemaking and an evening spent curled up together on the couch talking. He nuzzled her throat again, kissing it.
Mel smiled, coloring herself. She could feel the amount of heat pouring off of Cole increase as he remembered that day. She was sure that her own body temperature had probably spiked as well. It occurred to her with a surge of elation that she was actually able to remember that day without anything resembling discomfort. Cole had been his typical, solicitous self, tempering passion with tenderness and consideration. It had, admittedly, been one of the more intense sexual encounters she had ever experienced, but at the time it had seemed perfectly natural that it be so.
In retrospect, she had been shocked that she was capable of such a level of abandon, but at the time it had seemed right, exactly as it had every time since. There could be nothing more natural than completely giving herself over to Cole, exactly as he always surrendered himself completely to her. Which, she reflected, was comforting. After all, how could she possibly be vulnerable to a man who so willingly and completely surrendered himself to her?
She relaxed into his arms until the water started to cool, then turned in his grasp, smiling up at him. "Cole, baby, can we talk?"
"Always, Mel." He smiled warmly down at her, turning off the water with one hand and resting the other against the small of her back. "Here, let me get you a towel."
Mel shivered slightly as Cole pulled back the shower-curtain, smiling when he reappeared in the steam-filled shower, a towel wrapped around his waist and one in his hand.
"Here, Mel," he said, wrapping her in it. "We should go to your room. It is warmer. I will dry you off there."
"I am capable of drying myself off," she pointed out as he lifted her into his arms and carried her quickly to the warmth of the bedroom.
"I know, Mel," he answered, gently depositing her on the bed and retrieving a warm pair of pajamas. "But I enjoy being close to you and touching you. Do you mind, Mel?"
"No, of course not." She smiled reassuringly, shaking her head. "I like being close to you and being touched by you.
He smiled widely, relieving her of her towel and gently pushing her back onto the bed, lightly running the towel over her.
Mel trembled, enjoying the gentle, tender touches both for the pleasure they brought and for the proof of Cole's affection they offered.
"You wanted to talk?" he asked as he finished drying her front. He bent and kissed her stomach before rolling her over and smoothing the soft towel over her back.
"Yeah, I wanted to talk." She nodded faintly, resting her chin on her hands as she considered her words. "I... well, mainly, I wanted to make sure you understood exactly how grateful I am to you for everything you've done for me since I was attacked. It means the world to me and I want you to know that."
"I do know that, my love," he answered, gently kissing the back of her neck. "Here, sit up," he directed, picking up her pajamas. "I have told you before that there is little to be grateful for."
Mel sat up, smiling adoringly at him. "I know you have, and I'm grateful for that, too." She shook her head as he helped her into the pajama tops. "But that... isn't exactly what I wanted to talk to you about."
"What then, Mel?" he asked curiously, pulling her into his lap so he could get the pajama pants on her.
"Kallissa told me something today..."
"I am sure she told you many things," he agreed quietly, smiling. "It has helped. I can feel that in you. And I am grateful to her for it."
"So am I. But... well, she made a good point. I haven't really talked to anyone about everything that happened while I was in that warehouse. I... I think part of me was trying to protect you by not talking about it. I know how hard it was for you, I know that you had guilt..."
Cole stared down at her, wide-eyed. "Mel, you have remained silent for my sake?" he whispered, stunned. He had automatically assumed that she simply did not want to think about it, let alone discuss it. The thought that she had remained silent to protect his feelings was an almost heartbreaking proof of her love.
"Yeah, mostly. And I'm starting to wonder if that isn't making things harder on both of us." She shrugged. "Cole, if you don't want to know what happened in there, I understand. I would probably feel the same way. I don't think I'd want to know how bad it got."
"Mel, I know that it was bad," he whispered.
He cradled her against his chest for a few more moments before rising to retrieve his pajamas. He did not want to carry on a conversation of this import while wearing a cold, damp towel that would make it hard to focus. Pulling on the bottoms but leaving his chest bare, he returned to the bed. Settling with his back against the headboard, he pulled Mel back into his lap, wrapping both of them in a quilt.
"Mel," he began slowly. "Please do not think that you need to protect me from the truth. I investigated Khaeto's case both times. I know what he is capable of. If you wish to speak of it, I wish to hear what you would say. Perhaps talking will make it easier for us both to accept these things. It will be difficult, but it is as you told me after we discovered the second escape. Together, there is nothing we can not overcome."
"It'll be more than difficult," she sighed, resting her cheek on his shoulder and smiling sadly up at him. "But... Kallissa says that talking will help. And I... well, I can't help but think that maybe you are the one I should be talking to, not her."
"It will make many things clear to me, I think," he answered, resting his cheek against hers. "We should not have secrets from each other."
"No, we really shouldn't," she agreed, inhaling deeply. She paused for some time before muttering, "Damn, this is harder than I thought it would be."
"I will go first, then," he suggested, shaking his head when she gave him a surprised look. "I will tell you something that happened during that time which I have never spoken of to you before."
"Okay. If... you don't have to," she said, startled by his strained tone.
"I came so close to drinking. I... I took the bottle and I had a glass and... I spent hours just staring at it. I wanted to so badly and there was a part of me more than ready to give in to that."
"God," she whispered, shaking her head. "You poor baby."
"I did not want to face the idea that I might not be able to save you. I would rather have died than think about it. I promised myself that I would not drink until I had saved you. But, if I could not save you, I would take that bottle and your bottle of Xanax, and I would take your body into my arms and drink. And then I would start taking the pills. And then..." He trailed off, shaking his head.
"Cole," Mel whispered, reaching up and smoothing away his tears. "Baby, why didn't you ever tell me that?"
"How was I to?" he answered, shaking his head again. "You were in so much pain already."
"We were both in pain," she pointed out. "And making it worse for ourselves by not going to the person we love. We can't have secrets from each other, Cole. We just can't. It's bad for our relationship and it's a bad idea with your drinking problem, and it's a bad idea with me and my issues. And I... I know I have a lot of them. And, if I had my way, I'd spare you having to know anything that went on in that warehouse."
"But you can not," he said, kissing her gently. "And you should not."
She nodded and inhaled deeply. "When he... when he tried to rape me... I fought as well as I could but I couldn't move and... and I knew that I was about to die. I couldn't move, I could barely speak, but I want you to know that my last words would have been to tell you that I loved you and that I would miss you."
"You said that?" he asked, staring down at her with wide eyes. "After he had already made your body ready?"
"Yeah." She shrugged. "I wasn't even scared, really, just sad that I wouldn't be able to wake up in your arms any more."
"Mel, speaking after your body has been made ready is very difficult."
"I noticed. But... I don't know. I just felt like I had to say it."
"Most women would not have been able to manage any words at all. You must have fought so hard." He stared down at her with quiet wonder. Just to say that she loved him, she had turned what might even have been a pleasant experience into an agonizing one.
"Of course I did. I... I'd have fought just as hard against any man trying to rape me. It... Maybe it's weird, but... it had less to do with me than it did with you."
He frowned uncertainly. "You mean because of Ashi and Nallia?"
"In part, yeah. I didn't want you to have to go through that again. But it was also... I don't know. I'm yours, Cole, your mate, your wife, the other half of your soul. My body is for you. I... I begged him to kill me any other way. I would have preferred the blowtorch. I just... just like your body is only mine, mine is only yours. Does that make sense?"
He nodded faintly. He wanted to be ill, hearing these things, thinking about what Khaeto had done to her, what he would have done, but he could not have stopped her, even if he had wanted to.
"It is a very Cirronian sentiment, Mel." He kissed the top of her head. "Did you even understand that this was why you felt that way?"
"No, not really." She shook her head. "You always... you talk about how we became one being that first night together, but I didn't really understand it until after you had rescued me, looking back at everything. We really are more than lovers, aren't we?"
"Yes, Mel. The ties between us run far deeper than affection or even love. No Cirronian joins with another without... changing. You have a piece of me inside you now. That piece will always try to reject any intrusion."
"What about your... piece of Nallia?"
"To Nallia, your presence in me... you are no intruder, Mel. She loves you as much as I do." He kissed the top of her head again. "Maybe you should rest now. It is late."
"I... I think there are still some things we need to discuss."
"There is time, Mel," he promised. "I will be here when you wake up. The important thing is that we have started."
"We started a couple things tonight," she pointed out, grinning shyly.
"Yes," he agreed, sliding down on the bed until he lay on his back, Mel still cradled against his chest. "We have started many new things tonight. It is very promising."
"Yeah. Yeah, it is," she agreed, kissing his chest over his heart before resting her cheek there, closing her eyes and allowing herself to be lulled by his warmth and his smell and the sound of his strong heartbeat.