To the Halls of Mandos in a Backpack
Chapter I: Unintended Uses for Elven Wine
AKA
Love is in the Air, Chapter 1- Red Sky Over Rivendell
(Pretentious Author's Notes: Haha! The curse has been lifted. I am finally successful in posting. You have, of course, already read many of my fanfics, though you probably had no idea that they were mine, ripped from my computer to that of some other putrid writer who has gotten the credit for all my hard work. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Anyway, this is what really happened at Rivendell during those great days of Autumn 3018, Third Age, when the most gorgeous elf in all elvendom took Imladris by storm. I hope you all enjoy Love is in the Air and GIVE ME A GOOD REVIEW OR YOU WILL SUFFER. DON'T MAKE ME FLAME YOU!
Best Wishes,
Theodosia King :-)
(Obnoxious Author's Notes: Guess what? My computer didn't delete this fic. Cha-ching! Arwen is gonna make sweet hot love to the elf whose hotness leaves Leggy in the dust and You Can't Stop Me! Brouahahahahahahahaha! –Crowbait)
Dusk was settling over Rivendell as the riders approached. It had been a long ride, but it would be worth it. Their father had guaranteed that, albeit in somewhat cryptic terms. Ralas Firnquareion was a great and wise elf, the King of the fair realm of Nantaurea, possessed of the gift of foresight. He foresaw great events occurring in Rivendell, a gathering of the greatest and wisest of all the free folk, and such a council simply could not be held without his children. Vienasar Duryaveion was a glorious example of a male elf- tall, thin, green eyes shining like emeralds, long, sleek blonde hair that females could hardly resist stroking, a finely crafted body that was the personification of perfection, and a face that even the Valar would be jealous of. His twin sister, Huchelda Lossengollien, was very similar in appearance, except for the presence of finely rounded breasts and the absence of something else. Both had devoured most of the books in Nantaurea's library and were learned in all the elven arts, including that which humans called magic. Both were expert marksmen, dangerous swordspersons, skilled with knives, and worthy of their names at wrestling.
It was on account of these talents that Ralas allowed them to travel on their own, rather than sending them with a large and bothersome retinue. They had spent the long journey enjoying the wonders of nature, getting to know each other better (PA/N: There is NO sexual connotation in the previous statement.), and putting a substantial dent in their supplies of hair care and other beauty products. Oh, and evil-minion slaying. Before Huchelda stopped counting, they had mercilessly eliminated eleven thousand, six hundred eighty seven orcs, two hundred thirteen trolls of assorted varieties, one hundred eighteen evil men, fifty nine giant spiders, fourteen Nazgul, six Balrogs, and two Istari. Wearing blue robes. They nearly dispatched one of the Valar, but it turned out that he only wanted directions to Nantaurea, so they let him go. With a warning.
Their sojourn in the wilderness was at a close, however, as they observed the last vestiges of sunlight turning the clouds in the sky many gorgeous shades of red and purple. "What a lovely sky," Huchelda breathed, her silky voice sounding like music on the gentle breeze that sent her pretty hair cascading down her shoulders.
"A fitting conclusion to our travels, my sister. Now the *real* work is about to begin." Ralas had either not known or not told his children the nature of Elrond's council, but the siblings assumed that it was another nasty quarrel among the other royal elves- they were such petty boors- perhaps Galadriel had shacked up with Hladir again and driven Celevorn away, or maybe Thranduil and those idiot dwarves were at each others' throats, or maybe Elrnod had challenged his mother-in-law to a magical duel. Again. Either way, it would fall to these twins to use their bottomless wit and smooth diplomatic skills to bring the conflict to a peaceable end. No one else would be able to do so. No one else was *this* perfect. Vienasar shifted his weight (OA/N: Cue female readers swooning.), and tried to imagine how pleased Elrond would be when he saw them.
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Elrond was pleased. Vienasar and Huchelda were almost here, and then his troubles would be at an end. He often wondered how he survived without those two. Sure, Glorfindel wasn't a bad advisor, but he paled in comparison to the wisdom that exuded from the very pores of Ralas' children along with good looks and…
"What the Hall! Elrond? What in Eru's name are you thinking? Hello?"
Huchelda. He had wanted her from the first time he laid eyes on her, but he couldn't have her. She had been too young then, and, besides, Celberian was still alive then. But now… Now she would be within his grasp and at his mercy to…
"I'll say again: What the Hall! Okay Elrond, don't say I didn't warn you," and Erestor poured his glass of wine over Elrond's head. He came to his senses with a start.
Elrond, Glorfindel, and Erestor had been enjoying a bottle of wine when something had happened. Glorfindel's face had just gone completely blank and Elrond's eyes had glazed over, his face assuming a lustful look that Erestor had not seen since that night when everyone had gotten drunk on Mirkwood vintage and Celebrian had made a naughty suggestion to her husband. Erestor, unaffected by whatever was going on and quite disturbed by what it was doing to his friends, thus decided to take drastic measures.
"What the… Erestor? What the Hall just happened? Who… Huchelda? Who the Hall is Huchelda?"
Glorfindel remained blank, but Erestor was doubled up in laughter. "Huchelda!" he shrieked. Elrond paused, about to yell at his advisor for making light of such a situation, and then he realized what he had just said and he, too, laughed.
Arwen, awakened by the commotion, came down, having not even bothered to knot the tie on her robe. "Did someone call?"
The three elves got a good view of way more than they had bargained for though, in fairness, the horny old elves had asked for it.
Erestor and Elrond averted their eyes, but Glorfindel just kept staring into space. Unfortunately for her, Arwen was standing directly between Glorfindel and his space. Elrond was even more flustered.
"What the Hall? I've been saying that way too much tonight. Something is afoot. Arwen… just go upstairs and back to bed. And don't come down in that state again."
Arwen's face shifted into an expression of surprise as she discovered the state of her robe, and she turned around with a "whoop" of embarrassment and fled back to the bed from whence she came.
Erestor paused. "Wait a minute… I thought she left to find the hobbits several days ago. How could she have just come down?"
"What is going on?"
Arwen's bizarre appearance seemed to have awakened Glorfindel from his seemingly comatose state. His previously blank face now held a thin smile that might be considered leering, but his voice remained flat. "Memo for you, sir" he said, handing Elrond a paper before falling backward across the balcony.
Elrond was having strange thoughts about unknown elf women. Erestor was using good elven wine for unintended purposes. Arwen was running around Imladris dressed such that Estel would be jealous he'd missed it… except that she ought to be out in the wilderness, having found him and the hobbits by now. And Glorfindel had affected a brilliant impression of Celeborn before losing his balance in a decidedly unelven way. What was going on? Maybe this sheet Glorfindel had given him held some answers.
MEMO
To: Elrond, Lord of Rivendell
From: Ralas Firnquareion, King of Nantaurea
Subject: Your Council
As per your effort to gather the greatest and wisest of the free folk for your Council, I have, as might be expected, sent my children, whose beauty, intelligence, magic arts, and combat talents will make your assembly complete. Vienasar Duryaveion and Huchelda Lossengollien you are of course very familiar with, having known them from a young age. Both are still available should you wish to betroth them to your daughter and adopted son, thereby saving them much trouble. Otherwise, I fully expect you to comply with their wishes, lest your stubbornness compel me to appear myself to enforce their desires.
Best wishes,
King Ralas of the fair realm of Nantaurea
END MEMO
So. Here was the answer to all the riddles. An elven king of an unknown land. Seemingly perfect (and eligible) elves coming to Rivendell. Mysterious happenings affecting the denizens of Imladris. It all added up to one thing: something was happening the Valar did not intend. And this self-styled 'King of Nantaurea,' wherever that was, had thrown down a gauntlet to enforce these unanticipated events.
Not that there was any question in Elrond's mind. He knew, somehow, that he could not directly harm these strange elves who even now were approaching his abode, but he could subvert them, misdirect them, try to distract them until he figured out how to get rid of them. He would make them regret that they had ever messed with the elves. And as for this 'King,' well, he could be dealt with if he ever came to Rivendell. In the meantime… "Elladan? Elrohir?" he called his sons to him. "We have work to do."
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It was dark when the twins finally reached Rivendell. They were greeted by a lovely elf that turned out to be Elladan, who apologized that his father was unable to greet them. Elrond had turned in early after he had drunk a cup of Vandal Root tea Elrohir had given him and needed to sleep off the effects. Elladan showed them to their rooms and had baths drawn for them. He offered to have food brought up, but the twins had already eaten, so he took their leave of them. Upon emerging from their baths, they found he had left them a bottle of wine, which they consumed before retiring for the night.
"Well, dear brother, we're here. Aragorn and Arwen aren't back yet, but I intended to arrive before they did. This should give you a chance to become good friends with the other twins, whose help we may need in keeping Arwen and Aragorn apart."
"And you?"
"I'll be making sure that Elrond can't interfere with our plans. I'll make him try to act on his fantasies. After all, blackmail can be a wonderful weapon."
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Before he retired for the night, Elladan reported to his father's chambers, where Elrond and Elrohir were holding, for lack of a better word, a council of war. Erestor and would have been with them, but he was still tending to Glorfindel, who was only beginning to come back to his senses, and Arwen had disappeared again, presumably resuming her interrupted rescue mission.
"Well?" asked Elrond.
"I wish I'd had more notice, but I did the best I could under the circumstances. It isn't very original, but I broke Vienasar's sword while he was bathing. Let's see how amazing he is with a blade when he has only shards."
"And the wine?"
"Oh, that's not much. Let's just say I don't envy the elf who gets to change their sheets in the morning."
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(A/N: Yes, it's silly. Yes, it's random. Guess what? So are all Mary Sue stories, but you don't see them admitting it, do you? All the canonical characters on this page are out of character, but to different degrees- the Love is in the Air characters are what I call 'Agent Smiths' (resembling the canon only in physical appearance) while the Halls characters are 'Agent Elronds,' sort of in character but not really- they cannot be totally free of the out-of-character taint while the uncanon characters remain in the world. The elvish names are deliberately bad and I made no effort to make them correct, since I don't think Crowbait and TK would make that effort either. Vienasar means 'red manhood,' Huchelda means 'naked womanhood,' Ralas means 'marble lion,' and Nantaurea means 'forested valley.' Those names come from Alex Grigny de Castro's Lambe Eldaiva. The 'surnames' are from the Barrowdowns' All-in-One Name Generator. The image of Red Sky over Rivendell comes from a matte painting for Two Towers at dusso. com which is my desktop of choice when the Nazgul get too depressing.)
Disclaimers: LotR and all the characters therein are not mine. If they were, do you think I'd be writing this? Vandal Root tea belongs to TreeHugger. Crowbait, Theodosia King, Vienasar, and Huchelda are not taken from or modeled after any specific individual; they are merely generic parodies of no one in particular. Neither is this fic intended to insult collaborative fanfic efforts- the only collaborative efforts I've read on this site are very good.
And reviews are always appreciated. As are plot bunnies.
As today (11-1) is All Saint's Day, I will respond to that special class of Saint commonly called Reviewers:
The predominant threads among reviewers were that the prologue was funny and they thought this story had potential. I apologize somewhat for this chapter, because this is just setting the stage and getting the intruders to Rivendell. If subsequent events are as funny on paper as they are in my head, things will get better, though, if you have any ideas, I'd be more than happy to hear them.
Since a couple of you asked, the names for the authors are both drawn from my aliases. Crowbait comes from Stormcrow (see the poem of that name on fictionpress) and I just thought it was a funny name for a fanfic writer. I just like the way the name Theodosia sounds, and King of course suggests kingmaker. Neither name was used on ff.net as of 10-11-03, and I'm not attempting to mock or parody any specific individuals by using these names.
Also, all misspellings of canon names are intentional- I imagine that both Crowbait and TK would have given birth to many a mini-Balrog (c. Miss Cam) had their stuff actually gotten posted.
kimmaree, Feana Puddlefoot, Eirtae, and Werecat99- I only hope I can live up to your expectations. This is the first time I've attempted a lengthy humor piece, so I only hope I can sustain the laughs. I appreciate all of your kind words (even if they do set the bar higher :-)
Eirtae- Either I was brain-dead when I read your first review or you saw something in there I didn't. I thought both your reviews were very positive and only mean that I have high expectations to live up to.
TreeHugger- Take it from a guy, there IS something about Arwen, quite similar to whatever it is about Legolas and females. ROCL? I like that- does it mean rolling on the chair or rolling off the chair? I'm glad you liked Crowbait's elf names- I said, why should I go through all the trouble to think up original elf names when there's all this easy recombination I could do.
Dragon-of-the-north- Sorry I made you cry :-) In the prologue, Crowbait and TK raise an age old question- is it worse to ignorantly butcher canon or subtly toy with it? You obviously think the latter (I'm not sure which is worse), and you also found the subtle paradox I inserted into the prologue- TK knows canon but ignorantly butchers it in her fiction, while Crowbait is no canon expert but nonetheless attempts to slip into canon as unobtrusively as possible.