(Author's warnings: Those easily offended, run away now! I resort to some quite sophomoric humor to establish what jerks the uncanon twins are. It isn't all my fault- my roommate decided we should have an Austin Powers marathon the weekend before last. There is also a scene stolen from a Seinfeld episode- fans of that show will recognize it immediately, and people who know me will realize that there's no way I would think up that scene -which, even having written it, I still find highly disturbing- on my own.
Based on some problems with the last chapter, parents are warned not to read this when sleeping children are in earshot.
This chapter also contains some in-jokes stemming from "The Architect of Caras Galadhon," so if you have not done so already, you may want to read that story before proceeding with this one.
And now, if everyone will join me in a rousing chorus of -to the tune of the Ringwraith theme from FotR- "I DO.. NOT OWN IT!" I have taken a line directly from the film and one from the book, but both remain the intellectual property of the owners of their original contexts.
As always, reviews and plot bunnies are much appreciated.)
Thank you much to my few, but very kind, reviewers:
Dragon-of-the-north: Aagh! You're reading my mind! (Actually, I hadn't thought about the broken sword, but you're right. Two points for giving me my first external plot bunny). I hope that my answer to the riddle of the Blue Wizards doesn't deter you from writing your version of their task. I'm glad you like my clichés- they will get worse.
Zyrorai: Hopelessly silly Crowbait and TK are, but they're also desperate. Not a good combination. It's fun to write when I'm feeling inspired. Otherwise, it's tough, as I'm sure you know, being a writer yourself. Some of the inspiration for this chapter was forced, for which I apologize. The Istari were something of a last minute addition to that list, but people really seem to enjoy them being there. I'm a huge fan of both the LotR and HP books- I've actually reread the latter more times than the former. The two reasons I don't have any HP fics are I didn't like those movies anywhere near as much as I did the LotR movies and I have yet to be struck by an HP plot bunny. That will probably change in the future.
TreeHugger: Aagh! You're on to my secret (I don't think I've ever read a Mary Sue that wasn't intended as a Mary Sue parody, but, eh, what's the difference?). Dragon's already commented on the Istari- I just hope I haven't deterred her from continuing 'Silver Bow.' Fourteen Nazgul means that either the numbers were generated randomly and Crowbait and TK weren't paying attention or several of the Nazgul came back for more after being beaten once. Yay for minis- how would 'respectable' (I use that term lightly after having written this chapter) fanfic writers like me survive without their help? Perfection? Me? Profuse thanks. Awrin sends greetings to Hildair and I send my apologies to your child for interrupting their sleep. Also, I send my condolences to your back and lungs- all that ROCL can't be good for them :-) And, having borrowed your tea for two tales, I will now return it to you.
Kimmaree: I'm not having a good run- first I keep TreeHugger's kid from sleeping, then I wake your baby. This chapter comes with a warning not to read when sleeping children are in earshot. I'm thrilled you're enjoying it this much.
To the Halls of Mandos in a Backpack
Chapter II: Things Better Left Unseen
AKA
Love is in the Air, Chapter 2- The Art of Seduction
(Pretentious Author's Notes: Thank you to the lovely reviewers of chapter 1. I love you all! I didn't have to flame any of you! And now, as per your requests, you will see Huchelda's skills as a seductress in action- you will see much more of them, the computer willing, in time. And we're only one chapter away from the incomparable Aragorn making his appearance in Rivendell (sigh).
With affection,
Theodosia King :-)
(Obnoxious Author's Notes: Vienasar doesn't get to do much in this chapter, so the adoring legion of female readers may just wish to wait for the next one. Nothing to read here, folks -Crowbait)
Huchelda awoke drenched in sweat. She had never imagined Rivendell in October being quite this hot. It had been a miserable night; she felt like she had tossed and turned all night, but couldn't remember ever being conscious. As she sat up, though, she became aware that there was more that sweat staining her sheets. "Oh, shit," she muttered. Among other things.
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Elrond, his sons, Erestor, and Glorfindel had had a sleepless night, but, being real elves, they did not really need the rest the way the strange twins did. Elrond had convened a conference call to get his mother-in-law's advice while the others had formulated a battle plan. He thought he could probably deal with this little invasion himself, but it wouldn't hurt to seek her advice and, more importantly, he hoped she might send reinforcements. Between the manifold beings converging on Imladris for the council and the evils that would surely be wrought by these unexpected visitors, the elves of Rivendell would more than have their hands full.
So it was that, around midnight, while the visiting twins were deep in their uncomfortable sleep, Elrond proceeded to the alcove with Vilya and attempted to initiate contact with the bearer of Nenya.
"Galadriel?"
"I amar prestar aen, han mathon ne nen, han mathon ne chae a han noston ned gwilith. You have reached the Ring-mail of Galadriel. I am not available right now, as I am engaged in other nocturnal activities. If this is Mithrandir, leave a message with your problem and I'll get back to you in the morning. If this is Elrond, your council will go fine and I'll be in touch with you shortly after they leave. If this is Sauron, no, for the last time, still the door is closed. If this is one of the Ulairi, I don't know why your boss gave you this number, but you, like him, have absolutely no chance of getting Nenya. Or me. If this is Manwe, will you please tell me whether I'm banned or stay only because I want to? If this is…"
Elrond was getting quite bored waiting for the beeps to signify that it was time for him to leave his message when he heard a click in his mind.
"Hello?" Galadriel asked. "Sorry about making you wait, Elrond. Celeborn was quite reluctant to let me get out of bed."
Elrond winced. There were things about your in-laws that you just didn't want to know.
"I know why it is you called, for it is also in my mind. There is a great disturbance in Middle-earth, and it has now attached itself to your house. What is the nature of this disturbance?"
"A twin pair of elves, Huchelda and Vienasar."
Elrond paused while Galadriel nearly brought up a lung laughing. "Wait till I tell Celeborn," he discerned her thinking.
After several minutes, when her breathing finally resumed normality, Elrond continued. "They hail from the land of Nantaurea, which does not exist insofar as I know. From what I have gathered thus far, the male intends to take Arwen and the female will wed Aragorn unless we can stop them. They seem capable of controlling our minds, at least to some degree. They made me think naughty thoughts about the female, made Glorfindel violate Celeborn's patent on the 'Non-Entity Mode,' and somehow transported Arwen from the wild to Rivendell so she could appear to us in a less than decent state before transporting her back. Is there anything we can do to defend against this power of theirs while we try to get rid of them?"
"As you've already guessed, you can't harm them directly. I know what can kill them, but it will take time to gather the components. I will send Rumil and Orophin to gather what we need and they will see that it gets up to you as soon as it can. In the meantime, the best advice I can give you is to avoid coming into the presence of one or the other alone; there is strength in numbers. Turning my grandsons' creative talents against these other twins may be a clever way to avoid trouble during the council, but they will not be deterred by such minor inconveniences. Once all the attendees are present, I might suggest using some of those to distract the female, which would free up Aragorn to help Arwen. But the best advice I can give you is just to cling on to your sanity until the weapon Rumil and Orophin are gathering arrives. Hope remains, while your household is true, but the council stands on the edge of a knife. If too many should fall under their spell, it will fail, to the ruin of all."
"I was hoping you and Celeborn might be able to come up and help me," Elrond thought tentatively.
"Don't be silly! Even if we could make our way north safely, we would not arrive there until long after the council was over."
"Why not? These twins approached from the east and had no difficulties, and Nataurea must be quite distant, yet they took little enough time to get here. I think the ripples of disturbance they sent through our world have shortened transit times, which would allow you to come north in short order."
"Hmmm… I suppose it's possible. Celeborn and I can get started in the morning… with Haldir and a few others. Yes. Anything else?"
"Is there a chance you could bring more celebrated females to help distract the male twin?"
"What if I send a dream to Eowyn for her to come to your council as representative of Rohan?"
"She would work. Thank you. I'll see you soon then."
"I will not let you stand alone."
Before Elrond could break off the mental conference, he heard Galadriel say "No, Celeborn… heeheehee… don't do that yet… teehee…I have to use Nenya to send Eowyn a dream summoning her to the council… haha… stop that!"
As the twins were waking up, Elrond was still struggling to purge those images from his brain. Despite his inability to help, however, the others had formulated a plan for the day. Elladan would pretend to be romantically interested in Huchelda and invite her for a walk in the woods. Elrohir would trail them and take what opportunities for mischief were presented. Glorfindel would invite Vienasar to join him in martial training. Hopefully Vienasar, upon discovering the state of his sword, would want it reforged, which would allow them to imbue it with a wider range of malignant spells. Erestor would take advantage of the absence of both visiting twins to prepare assorted tricks within the Last Homely House. And Elrond would proceed to his bedroom and try to sleep off the painful visions he had been subjected to during the night.
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After thoroughly scrubbing herself in the bath, Huchelda emerged with the intent of grabbing some breakfast before trying to locate Elrond. Her plans quickly changed, however, as she saw him moving toward his bedroom, looking highly distracted. She decided to follow at a discreet distance, as this was probably the opportunity she had been looking for.
She waited a minute after he entered his chamber before going in without announcing herself. For her purposes, her timing could not have been better. Elrond was mostly undressed. He turned and stared at her and, just as she would have expected, hardened.
Elrond's teeth were clenched and his hands were drawn to his groin. "Must… not… succumb. Must… resist." The thoughts of his in-laws doing things were now completely gone, replaced by completely unbidden thoughts of himself and Huchelda doing things. Huchelda… she was so beautiful… and he was close to a state of exposure, and he could bring her to a similar state relatively easily.
He took two steps forward before he was aware that he had done so. "Must… not… do… this." Huchelda was so gorgeous. Her breasts were soft and full, and her hips looked soft and inviting. "No…" He was so eager to take her… no… "ERESTOR!"
Erestor heard Elrond calling from his bedroom, and something in the tone told him what was afoot. When he got up there, Elrond was on floor, one hand clawing the air, the other clawing at his crotch as though fighting with it. Huchelda was standing in front of him, both taking pleasure in the power she had over him and showing confusion over his limited ability to fight her.
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There were times it was useful to be a mighty elf lord, and this was one of them. The woman was showing no signs of leaving her host's bedroom despite the fact that her host obviously was suffering some sort of seizure and was in an indecent state. Erestor attracted her attention with a fake cough and, without a word, fixed her with the patented 'Elf Lord Death Stare,' with which an elf lord could compel any subordinate to do his/her will without speaking a word. (It is believed that Galadriel holds this patent and that there is a cause/effect relationship between her 'Elf Lord Death Stare' and Celeborn's 'Non-Entity Mode.') Huchelda left the room without another word and proceeded down to breakfast, where Elladan was waiting for her.
Once the fiend had left, Elrond's breathing became normal again and he relaxed. Erestor helped him onto the bed and made sure to lock the door on the way out.
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Breakfast was rather uneventful. To no one's surprise, Ellidan spent the entire meal shamelessly flirting with Huchelda. (How could he be expected to resist her lovely charms? She was, after all, such a beautiful example of elven hotness, so beautiful that she had even sent warm blood flowing through Elrond's cool body.) He even offered to give her a personal walking tour of the natural beauty of Rivendell, but she refused it. Though she in no way relished the idea of sleeping with Elrond, her failure to make him do so raised serious questions about her ability to compel the other elves to do her will and meant that she was no longer holding an important card in her effort to get Aragorn. Thus she elected to retire to her room and contemplate her next move.
Meanwhile, Vienasar, having finished his own breakfast, retired to the study. He wanted to read up on the history of the family so he could better bond with the other twins.
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Shortly after eating, Glorfindel went in search of Vienasar to invite him to partake in swordplay. He expected that the strange elf would be in the study next to his room, where Elrond kept his family records. Elrohir had seen to it that a copy of the Lay of Leithian, the song of Beren and Luthien, was displayed prominently, in hopes that the twin would read it and realize why Arwen and Aragorn were destined for each other.
When Glorfindel entered the study, though, Vienasar was not just reading. He was doing something highly… unnatural. Glorfindel fell against the wall in shock. Vienasar got up to help, but decided he had to attend to another matter first, so Glorfindel collapsed to the floor and hit his head hard.
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Later that afternoon, the twins were discussing the failures of the day. Huchelda was still struggling to comprehend what her brother had done.
"I keep telling you, I went in the study to read up on Elrond's twins and I saw this book and I started flipping through it, and got excited and… well, you know…"
"What was in the book?"
"Erm… Arwen's baby pictures."
"Baby pictures? You did… that… over baby pictures? That's just sick."
"It… it wasn't just baby pictures. It was… well… blackmail pictures. You know, the kind every parent has of their kids: in the bath, making unexpected appearances in her birthday suit, things like that. Stuff the parent keeps around to show boyfriends and such, to embarrass."
"But how could you do such a thing over such innocent pictures. It's just a little girl."
"Yeah, but Arwen naked is Arwen naked…"
"So you were doing… that… and Glorfindel walked in?"
"Yeah, and he saw me and fell against the wall, and I wasn't sure whether to help him or zip up. So I zipped up, and he fell down and hit his head hard."
"They had to wake up Elrond to heal him."
"Well, I've learned one thing from this: I will never do that again."
"Riiiight."
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Elrond fumed all day. He had just fallen asleep when Erestor woke him up. Glorfindel had been found unconscious on the floor of the study and apparently needed tending. He would spend most of the day expending tremendous amounts of energy to heal Glorfindel. He should have been able to deal with it in a half hour or so, but he was so distracted by the events of the previous morning that it had taken him six hours to deal with a simple concussion, and he was completely drained. As if the injury to Glorfindel weren't bad enough, none of their plans could come to fruition thanks to Glorfindel's injury and Huchelda's decision to retreat into her room for the day. Fortunately, those plans would still be there tomorrow.
But unfortunately for Elrond, Mithrandir would arrive that evening, not only keeping Elrond from his much needed sleep but reminding him that there were more important issues going on in the world than the invasion of Rivendell by strange and foreign twins. And Mithrandir needed to talk to Elrond urgently about what had happened to him since the last time they met and discuss plans for the council. So Elrond would have to endure another night of practically no sleep.
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It was decided, after the fiascos of the day, that the twins should just lay low until Aragorn, Arwen, and the hobbits arrived. They had just completely alienated Elrond's most trusted (albeit imperfect in comparison to themselves) advisors, and Elrond, assuming that he could remember something of his internal struggle, was not likely to be thrilled with them either. So compliance was the order of the day, and they only hoped no ill would come of it.