To the Halls of Mandos in a Backpack
Chapter IX: The Autumn of their Discontent
(PA/N: Maybe Aragorn isn't the only hottie in Rivendell.)
(OA/N: Theodosia thinks I'm the most oblivious man in this world and the most oblivious elf in that one. Is this true?)
Love is in the Air, Chapter 9- A New Beginning
As soon as Elrond made his proclamation, the already chaotic scene degenerated further, making Erestor very glad that he had moved to an unobtrusive position behind his seat as the Expedition began assembling. As one, the four hobbits took off in the direction of the kitchens, knocking over all the larger folk in their paths. This had the effect of sending the balance of the Expedition plus all those elves that were attempting to get Huchelda off of Aegnor to the ground or at least to their knees. Haldir was the luckiest, in that Sam, who was otherwise following immediately behind the more aggressive Merry and muttering apologies to everyone Merry had pushed, had shoved Haldir sideways, forcing him out of the developing scrum. Taking a spot next to Erestor, Haldir offered to let Erestor win back his bottle of wine, betting that Huchelda would emerge before Aegnor did. Despite the mediocre odds, Erestor accepted and the two turned their attention to the mass of tangled bodies before them.
In the wake of the hobbits, the majority of those present managed to regain their feet and move on. Among them were Vienasar and Arwen; the former was giving the latter a lecherous stare while the latter was twirling her dagger menacingly in the direction of the former. Aragorn had to grab both her arms and drag her off to avoid any additional violence. Elladan and Elrohir were also among those who had surfaced, though both reentered the mass of people immediately, coming out a few moments later dragging Aegnor out from beneath those who had sought to defend him from Huchelda. Having saved the poor but largely anonymous elf from what was perhaps a fate worse than death, the twins turned and left the premises, speaking softly to each other. Erestor thought he heard the word 'brown,' but he couldn't be positive.
Next to him, Haldir grumbled about having lost the bottle of wine. Erestor, sensing the opportunity to improve Imladris-Lorien relations, proposed that, rather than consuming their own personal stores, they split a bottle of Elrond's reserves after dinner. Haldir readily agreed and, his bets with Erestor resolved, went to settle his account with Glorfindel. On those bets, at least, Haldir had made a killing.
Of those remaining on the ground, the elven ringbearers were the only noteworthy individuals. Galadriel had fallen on top of Gimli such that his face was embedded in her stomach. Curiously, however, there was none of the guttural grumbling that seemed to characterize dwarven complaints, and Galadriel, for her part, was showing little inclination to move either. Erestor wondered if something was afoot. When cursing, elves would occasionally accuse each other of enjoying certain acts typically attributed to dwarves, but he had never seriously thought about an elf getting pleasure from such things, nevermind a dwarf actually performing them…
Erestor was wondering if he should intervene when Elrond kicked them. Both came to their feet, glaring angrily at Elrond, until they realized, as Erestor had already noticed, that he was asleep and probably dreaming. And after having to suffer through that council on top of everything else he had recently endured, neither of them could blame him.
At the other end of what had briefly been The Ill-Conceived Elven/Human/Dwarven Pile Up of Elrond, Huchelda remained on her back, in pain but also giddy at having touched Figwit. Even if he was perhaps the most artificial fad in fandom, based on his limited face time and nonsensical/pointless lines, she still had to admit that he was gorgeous. And speaking of gorgeous, Legolas walked by and, after making eye contact with her, tentatively offered his hand to her. She graciously accepted his assistance in coming to her feet and, as he walked off, couldn't help but believe that maybe this trek to Rivendell had not been in vain.
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Frodo had to admit to being somewhat disappointed with his fellow hobbits. Despite having a reputation as the least gluttonous of the four, he had managed to eat a third of the food set out on the table in the same amount of time that the other three had consumed the other two thirds. Unfortunately, their rather swift consumption of what was intended as a fairly light lunch for the attendees of the council satisfied none of them. So the four of them stared at each other, each face asking two questions: Why is all the food gone? and Where can we get some more?
Unfortunately for the hobbits, the taller members of the council were entering the room and asking the exact same questions. Frodo once again decided to show the initiative which had saved his stomach from sure implosion not fifteen minutes ago by telling the other three to follow him to the cellar storerooms, where they would presumably find additional goods on which to dine.
The good news was that, upon descending to the level above the cells, a storeroom of acceptable victuals was quickly found. The bad news was that it was the size of a standard closet: only one elf would be able to fit in, and three hobbits could only do so when motivated by food. Frodo would have liked to think that he yielded to the others because he'd gotten the most upstairs and was just being generous, but the truth of the matter was that the sheer determination of Merry and Pippin coupled with the additional bulk of Sam had denied him entrance. Sam at least had the generosity to throw a block of cheese to Frodo, which the newly designated Ringbearer nibbled at as he paced down the hall. In the next room, he spied Erestor and Haldir talking amidst an already depleted wine cellar. The former remarked "Since two bottles of Elrond's precious Dorwinion are already absent, another shouldn't be missed."
Haldir must have given his assent, for a few moments later the two elves came out, more quickly than Frodo could hide. However, neither did anything more than nod in acknowledgement as they passed him. Whether they did so out of deference to his selfless sacrifice in volunteering to take the Ring or simply because they failed to question the wisdom of allowing a hobbit near the foodstores, he could not guess. To prevent them from thinking about it, he invited the two of them to another poker game, which would be held in Pippin's room in half an hour or so. Both of them accepted, much to Frodo's chagrin, given that Haldir's bluff with an eight high had kept the hobbit from winning the previous match.
Some minutes later, after all four hobbits had decided to temporarily cease their consumption (as per the Hobbit Creed: "Always hungry, never full, will eat anything put before us as long as it seems edible"), they made their way toward Pippin's room for the game. Despite all the bad things that Vienasar had perpetrated, Frodo had to thank him for introducing the hobbits to Texas Hold 'Em; it had completely revived their interest in card games and, more to the point, had provided entertainment for their sojourn in Rivendell that could involve the elves as well. After waking from his long illness, inter-racial poker had been the perfect diversion to keep him from thinking about how close he had come to becoming a wraith. Unfortunately, Glorfindel was the only elf who the hobbits could consistently beat. Pippin was usually unable to hide his glee when he got a good hand, Merry had a tendency to overbid on mediocre hands, Sam was too conservative, and Frodo always seemed to get good hands only when Haldir, Erestor, or one of the twins did as well.
Speaking of the twins, the hobbits passed them and extended an invitation to the poker game, which, after a consultation that included discussion of the fact that tomorrow would certainly be a better day for some unspecified event, was accepted. Amidst the standard table talk, Pippin commented on Arwen's word choice and, one thing leading to another, convinced Elladan to organize a cursing contest to take place several days hence. In the game itself, Frodo finally got the better of the elves after gaining an insurmountable lead on a hand where, dealt two fours, the flop included the other two, allowing him to best the full houses of Elrohir and Haldir.
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The other twins spent a quiet afternoon and evening in their rooms. Huchelda pondered if a relationship with Legolas might not just be plausible. After all, he had formed no canonical romantic or sexual attachments, unless one believed the rumors about him and Gimli, which she did not, simply because the idea of anyone having relations with a dwarf was just revolting. Interestingly enough, that opinion was one of the few on such matters that she shared with her brother, who along with Figwit was the only elf even in the same league as Legolas beauty-wise. The question about Legolas was whether or not she could attract him simply with her physical beauty. Thanks to the anticipated gap between the council and the actual departure of the Expedition, however, she would have time to observe Legolas and be able to cater her appearance to his preferences.
Vienasar was still thinking about Arwen. Her recent rediscovery of Aragorn had done nothing to diminish her attractiveness, and he remained confident that, at some level buried deep within her, she still wanted him. Granted, her recent fascination with that knife complicated things, but still. While there's breath, there's hope.
Consequently, the next day, when Aragorn and Arwen slipped away for some smooching, at a minimum, Vienasar followed. Given that he knew their intention, it seems slightly odd that he followed them anyway, but he had a very vague plan to use his elven magic to switch places with Aragorn once the couple was settled. It was better than no plan, at any rate.
Meanwhile, Legolas was communing with nature by taking a walk along the river. Huchelda followed, both to enjoy the opportunity to observe the gorgeous elf at ease among the beauty of nature and because watching Legolas kept her mind off of the other, less attainable males in Rivendell.
What Huchelda did not know, of course, was that she was being trailed. Despite the fact that he had thrown the stone that deprived Huchelda of her amorous goal, Glorfindel did not think that an accidental misfire counted as appropriate revenge for the dance two nights before and thus was seeking a suitable opportunity for such revenge. As had happened on the night of that incident, Tanglinna accompanied him, though he was more concerned that Huchelda might follow in her brother's footsteps and attempt more violent methods of obtaining her desire. Shortly after leaving the building, they were joined by Galadriel, who explained that she was trying to get away from the dwarf Gimli. While she admitted that she found the attention flattering, he was beginning to imply decidedly improper suggestions given that she was a married woman.
Unaware of the retinue following him or the fact that his path was leading him dangerously close to the spot where Arwen and Aragorn were locking lips, Legolas paused as Nutsy joined him. In addition to the trained squirrel and the hidden bipeds, the area was populated by one more foreign species: several birds with dark pointed bills, long necks with streaked feathers, brown wings, white undersides, and, most curiously and distinctly of all, bright blue feet. Without a doubt, Legolas, on account of his celebrated love and knowledge of nature, was the only one of the seven elves and one man in the vicinity who could identify them.
Quietly but excitedly, he began commenting on these unusual visitors to Imladris to the squirrel on his shoulder. "Oh wow, Nutsy. Look at these sea birds. They're magnificent! And look at the size of them!" One of the birds waddled up to Legolas and fearlessly allowed the elf to pick it up. Legolas began stroking it and, when it responded affectionately, cooing at it in the universal language of communication between man and domesticated beast, also known as baby talk. "Yes, yes, you're a pretty little thing, aren't you? Actually, a pretty large thing. Oh, you like that don't you, you pretty bird." Several other birds were approaching Legolas by this time, perhaps in hopes of receiving the same treatment, and it was to these as much as the one in his arms that the elf made a general proclamation, unaware that his voice could be clearly and easily heard by no less than seven other individuals in the immediate vicinity. "I love big boobies!"
Huchelda was never one to question providence and so, as soon as Legolas had made that statement, she headed to her room to improve herself through a combination of magical enhancements and wardrobe adjustments.
Tanglinna was absolutely shocked. How could Thranduil have raised his son to be a breast man? That's such a Noldor thing; wood elves are supposed to be leg men… well, leg elves, at any rate.
Galadriel was just appalled that an elf could hold such a narrow opinion of females (though she did not imagine that dwarves were above such thinking. Could that be why Gimli was so attracted to her?).
Vienasar was amused that Legolas was a breast man; he was as well. Speaking of breasts, Arwen…
Aragorn was surprised that an elf who always seemed to love nature more than women would have formed such an opinion; he wondered if Legolas was merely emulating opinions that he might have expressed regarding Arwen after consuming one mug too many. He wondered what Arwen thought about the other elf's statement, but when he turned to look realized that she was no longer there and was advancing menacingly toward Vienasar.
Glorfindel saw it too and moved swiftly to put himself between the murderous Arwen and her seemingly oblivious admirer. Unfortunately for him, Arwen was also armed with a shovel, which only the Valar know how she obtained. Glorfindel was knocked out cold, but his sacrifice would not be in vain, because it had given Arwen's true love enough time to catch up to her and dissuade her from further violence.
It was not until he heard the thunk of the shovel striking Glorfindel's head that he realized that his previous statement had had a non-avian audience. He then noticed Tanglinna and Galadriel glaring at him and realized the dual meaning of his words. "Boobies!" Legolas called after them. "Blue-footed boobies! Sea birds native to the tropical coasts south of Harad. I just read about them in Avian Species of the Southern Lands by the Gondorian naturalist Egalthor." Unfortunately, both elves looked as though they had either not heard him or did not believe him and, as they walked away, he was left to wonder how many people had heard him and how many headaches this would cause, the least of which was his admission to Tanglinna that he, like the archer, had recently spent time in Elrond's library.
From the trees on the other side of the river, Elladan and Elrohir emerged, grinning ear to ear. Behind them stood an old man in brown robes, to whom the boobies flocked.
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Huchelda spent all afternoon strutting her new and improved 'stuff,' receiving stares ranging from the envious to the incredulous from everyone who she passed but failing to find Legolas until the after dinner entertainment in the Hall of Fire where, surprisingly, he dared to show his face despite the fact that the hobbits were presenting their variety show. As she moved to stand next to him, trying to be alluring but not seductive, he saw that which he had asked for and his eyes got very wide.
Doing her best not to react to his scrutiny, she asked him how he was enjoying the performance. He replied that he was finding it highly amusing and somewhat furtively admitted that he was quite glad that he was not on the receiving end of their jokes.
At the front of the hall, the hobbits were continuing with their second version of Vienasar's song.
The Prince he did try
Arwen's love to buy
But 'gainst her love's face
His own had no case.
-----She's in love with an old man,
-----An old man, an old man,
-----In love with an old man
-----Who looks like a young man.
-----Ha-ha!
So into the brook
Arwen's shove him took.
It must have been cold,
For now I am told
-----That he's mad with the princess,
-----The princess, the princess,
-----He's mad with the princess.
-----Trouble now is brewing,
-----Uh oh!
So into a cell
He threw the fair belle.
The cell he then shut
'Gainst all of us, but
-----She was saved by a squirrel,
-----A squirrel, a squirrel,
-----Was saved by a squirrel.
-----'Twas a daring rescue,
-----Yee-ha!
Arwen wants his head.
Her wrath he should dread,
But instead he gapes
At her through the drapes.
---At this very moment…
-----He's staring at the princess,
-----The princess, the princess,
-----Staring at the princess.
-----She throws her knife at him,
-----Look out!
As Merry complimented Frodo on the ad-libbing skills he had so capably demonstrated in performing his verse, Vienasar dove to the ground a mere instant before Arwen's dagger cut a hole through the curtains.
Across the room, Elrond was grumbling his displeasure at the damage his daughter had done to his wall furnishings, which were perfectly good despite Galadriel's frequent criticism of his taste in room décor. Speaking of Galadriel, she was looking rather pale and horrified and her face had assumed that resignedly determined expression usually reserved for times of self-sacrifice, such as the time she and Celeborn had agreed to sleep on couches in separate rooms after Thranduil, Elrond, and Gil-Galad had threatened to walk out on their conference if she and her husband had continued to make so much noise at night.
Meanwhile, ignorant of the excitement going on around them, Huchelda and Legolas remained engaged in light conversation. Huchelda was just beginning to make her move, confessing to Legolas that she thought he was dreamy, when the crowd between them and the hobbits parted, revealing Frodo, who was frantically pacing as though in search of something while Merry followed as though trying to calm him down. The former declaimed "Big boobs! Big boobs! My father's kingdom for big boobs!" Merry answered "Withdraw, Prince Legolas; I'll find thee an elf maid equally well-endowed, and of safer disposition." Nevertheless, Frodo as Legolas repeated his request as Merry dragged him off stage and out of harm's way. "Big boobs! Big boobs! My father's kingdom for big boobs!"
As those two disappeared, Sam stepped forward, putting his hands behind his back, and began to recite.
Big as the moon,
Or at least a sand dune,
They make men's eyes turn
(You'd think us guys would learn).
Soft as a pillow,
Thick as the trunk of a willow,
They flap when she walks,
And even when she talks.
If on her face she did trip,
She'd bounce back like a whip.
Huchelda's breasts are they,
Biggest of all, I should say.
If ever you saw them,
You wouldn't forget them.
Legolas with them wants to lie,
And it's not hard to discern why:
The elf with them is obsessed;
He loves big knockers best.
Through these outrages, Legolas, despite the number of eyes turned on him, managed to keep calm and quiet, only his eyes betraying the embarrassment that he surely felt at such public humiliation. Huchelda wanted to raise her voice to defend the poor elf, but before she could do so two things happened. First, Pippin sidled up and began dancing and singing in a style that only Vienasar could have taught him. Second, as Pippin sang "I like big boobs and I cannot lie," Legolas took one last glance at the hobbits before bolting from the room like a Nazgul from a phoenix.
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Galadriel retired to her quarters immediately after the show. Rumil and Orophin would still be a few days with the weapon, her husband had not yet arrived with Eowyn, and the situation was becoming desperate. She didn't know to what degree she could salvage anything from this debacle, but she figured that she had no choice but to try. The most immediate crisis, quite obviously, was Arwen's continued attempts to kill Vienasar. No matter how vile he might be, murder was simply not an acceptable solution to Galadriel, even if he was throwing looks at her granddaughter that were far more blush-inducing than anything Celeborn had ever directed toward her. More to the point, Arwen's self-control was definitely lacking and Rivendell was lucky that to this point Glorfindel and some of Elrond's less-than-stunning drapes were the only casualties. Something had to be done. It was a complicated bit of mind-meddling that involved transferal of emotions and would require great sacrifice on her part, but it was the only solution she could think of.
Vienasar wondered if the seating chart for dinner (which put him and Arwen on opposite sides of the room each facing the nearest wall) was deliberate. Or, come to that, if it was more than coincidence that her knife had nearly killed him. Whether or not it was, it did not deter him from following her as she headed toward her quarters after the hobbits were done. He was so intent on her that he failed to notice the substantial crowd that was following him, presumably anticipating more fireworks.
From behind her door, Galadriel, using her mind-scanning ability, perceived Arwen coming down the hall with Vienasar trailing behind her. Galadriel took a deep, steadying breath. Was she really going to do this? Yes. Did she really have a choice? No.
Arwen passed her room. With a sigh of "Oi Valar," Galadriel opened the door, stepped into the hall, and stretched as languorously as she could without exposing that which remained hidden by her admittedly sexy nightdress. Unfortunately, her target was not the only one in the hall. Among others who looked either pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised, her son-in-law looked like he was trying to gouge his eyes out and Gimli was looking like Yule had come early. Fortunately, her display seemed to have had the desired effect. Vienasar's jaw had just dropped, and he was looking at her as though he didn't know what had hit him.
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The next morning, the second after the council, Boromir was among the first to arrive in the Rivendell courtyard to see the new arrivals, a male elf and a female human. The former was silver-haired and exuded the wisdom and power of an ancient elf lord substantially more than did Elrond. The woman was blond and fairly attractive, though she radiated toughness and determination, which didn't appeal to one with a preference for more compliant females, as well as intelligence, which tended to be his brother's mug of ale. Erestor was the first to actually greet them, shaking the elf's hand and stating "I know who you are," before turning to the woman, "but I have not yet had the pleasure of making your acquaintance. I'm Erestor." She took his hand and introduced herself as "Eowyn, niece of Theoden, King of Rohan." As Erestor backed away from them and looked around as though trying to decide where he could find rooms for the new arrivals, Legolas and Galadriel entered the courtyard from opposite sides, the former followed by Huchelda (who definitely was Huge-elda at this point) and the latter pursued by Vienasar and Gimli, who was doing his best to hide in the shadows.
Boromir turned to Tanglinna, who was now standing next to him, and asked if the silver-haired elf might be Ralas, the father of the twins, based on the fact that both had come to greet him more swiftly than Elrond. His inquiry, however, could be heard by everyone in the courtyard.
Huchelda's jaw dropped. She had not at all expected her father to show up, but it was true that he had threatened to if she and Vienasar failed to obtain the objects of their desire. Of course, she had never had a clear mental picture of her father, but this elf certainly seemed old and wise enough to be her sire. Making her decision, she ran past Legolas and happily embraced her father with a cry of "Daddy! It's so good to see you!"
Galadriel would not have been more stunned if Feanor had dashed into Imladris, stolen the Ring, and dashed back out to give it to Morgoth. Her husband was pretending to be the twins' father. Granted, whether spontaneous or not, she had to admit that it was a pretty good plan for neutralizing the menace, but still. Upon seeing him, she had wanted nothing more than to run up to him, hug and kiss him to near the point of death, and then take him to her bedroom for the day. Now, of course, there was no way she could attempt such a thing. Resigned to spending a few days trying to decide whether close proximity without contact was in fact worse than separation, she turned around to head back to her room.
The elf behind Galadriel turned to follow her but was stopped when Eowyn grabbed her arm. All that Celeborn had told her was that less than pleasant twins had come to Rivendell and that she was needed to help keep them from causing too much mayhem. The best way to do that, she imagined, was to pretend to be interested in elven fashion, grooming, and the like and thus befriend the female. So as soon as she had spotted the female twin, she went over and engaged her in conversation. "Hi, Huchelda. I'm Eowyn. I couldn't help but admire how sleek and straight you've managed to make your hair. And I love the way that you've chosen to defy masculine superiority by wearing gender-neutral garb instead of one of those awful frilly dresses. So do you engage in swordplay as well?"
Vienasar turned around incredulously. Eowyn was mistaking him for his sister? It took him a couple seconds to recover from his shock, but once she stopped talking he began to correct her. "I'm…"
"Vienasar!" His sister called. "Come and say hi to daddy!" As Eowyn's expression showed signs of embarrassment, Vienasar added, "That's Huchelda," before stalking off to greet the father whom he had forgotten still existed.
"Oh," Eowyn said as Vienasar walked off. She had messed that up royally. "The compliment about your hair still applies," she called after him, but he gave no sign of acknowledgement. "Damn," she muttered. The situation must be more difficult and complicated than she had imagined.
Author's Notes: Obviously, the canon characters and setting are Tolkien's. Tanglinna is TreeHugger's. The idea of Glorfindel being an unsuccessful gambler comes from Dragon-of-the-north's A Tale of Valinor. The Hobbit Creed is a variation on the attitude of my brother (Nevalkarion) toward food: "Never hungry, never full, will eat whatever is served." The shovel joke is not mine and belongs, or so I am told, to alliwantisanelfforchristmas.
The addition of Middle-earthers playing poker (as per Some that Die Deserve Life) is just my commentary on America's ESPN-induced obsession with poker. It is also deliberately playing with the element of time (given that there is very little time within the story that Frodo was awake while the elves mentioned were unoccupied) because that seems to be another thing that falls by the wayside in Mary Sues.
The blue-footed booby (Sula nebouxii) is, on account of its feet, probably the most distinctive of the booby family of sea birds. It is native to the Pacific coast of the Americas from California to Peru.
Huchelda's mixed fantasy metaphor is an attempt to mock those fangirls who introduce species from other fantasy worlds, in this case by combining two of the three things which give the Nazgul problems- fire and eagles.
Review Responses:
Lady LeBeau- Kudos for correctly noting the presence of the uncanonical squirrel. The Gimli/Galadriel thing started in my head as a throwaway joke but quickly became a major subplot (and one that isn't resolved yet). Glad that my observations rang true with you. And fear not, this isn't going to be that long or complicated. As this chapter makes abundantly clear, I've milked about as much humor as I can out of the twins and said humor is once again regressing on the sophistication meter. Based on my list of things to happen before the arrival of the weapon, there are probably only one or two chapters to go.
TreeHugger- Fear not; the wicked dwarf will get what's coming to him soon enough. Celeborn's in town, and we can't expect him to be happy about all this. I don't know if Arwen will be invited to the contest or not; she may just be a one-word wonder. Luthien actually was the inspiration for that particularly suggestion (but since Liv Tyler as Arwen doesn't seem like much of a singer, she had to come up with some other way).