To the Halls of Mandos in a Backpack
Chapter X: The Resolution of the Subplots

Theodosia King absentmindedly petted her cat while she spoke heatedly to Crowbait. "I mean, this is just getting ridiculous! Peruvian seabirds in Rivendell? Hobbits playing poker? Frodo reciting Chaucer?" "Actually, I believe it was Shakespeare," Crowbait interrupted, but Theodosia didn't notice. "Our entirely make-believe father showing up? This is absurd! The Canonical Resistance Movement is making this whole thing far more uncanonical than it needs to be."

"Ah!" Crowbait noted. "So you admit that what we're doing is uncanonical?" "Well, yes," she said sheepishly. "It isn't as though I ever said it wasn't." Crowbait snorted. His enthusiasm for the project had been waning for some time, as he began to grasp the fact that successfully posting a story featuring a fictional projection of himself sleeping with a self-generated characterization of Arwen was not going to satisfy his need for love and desire for sex any more than writing such a story did. Theodosia seemed to be flagging as well; she was spending more of their writing sessions stroking her cat and talking to him than actually typing.

He began pondering aloud. "I wonder… perhaps we should keep our love-seeking activities to this world. Success here would certainly be more satisfying than apparent failure in that one."

"I think you may be right… but we can't just leave the twins without closure. They are part of us, or at least were before the actions of the CRM corrupted them. So where were we?"

"Let's see… I had come to the realization that Galadriel was the most beautiful elf in Rivendell, you excepted, of course, you were following Legolas, and Ralas had, for whatever reason, decided to come…"

Love is in the Air, Chapter 10- The Difficulties of Extracanonical Relationships

Celeborn, for probably the thousandth time that day, wondered why he had decided to come. There was no point in coming to Rivendell if he couldn't be with his wife, was excluded by means of his false identity from the interracial poker games, and found his son-in-law too sick and tired to tease or argue with. No, he was instead spending the first day of his latest less-than-thrilling trip to Rivendell cornered by this two 'children,' who insisted on telling him their sob stories. When he wasn't wondering what he was doing in Imladris or wishing he could be with Galadriel, he was fighting his inclination to bang the heads of these two selfish brats together, thereby ending their whining and punishing them for so callously disrespecting the autonomy of his granddaughter and soon-to-be grandson-in-law. More than anything else, he just wished that someone would come in and inform them that it was time for dinner, thereby rescuing him from this absurdly boring and painful experience.

Unfortunately, such relief would not be immediately forthcoming. Tanglinna had taken particular care to make sure that everyone in Imladris knew that Celeborn was, in fact, Ralas, and was to be treated as such. Whether he did so out of recognition that allowing the twins to believe that Celeborn was their father gave the Canonical Resistance Movement another potential advantage or to avenge some previous slight was unknown.

With the twins in seclusion, it proved to be a fairly quiet day. Elrond was spending the whole day napping, in hopes of recovering all his wits, while Bilbo was doing the same despite his best intentions to compose some poetry. Elrond's twins had not emerged from bed all day either, curiously enough. Galadriel was in her room, pining after Celeborn and seriously contemplating a 'test of Haldir's loyalty' to satiate her unfulfilled lust, while trying to avoid the dwarf who was so clearly infatuated with her. Poor Éowyn had spent much of the morning cornered by Boromir, who told her so much about his brother that she thought he might be trying to set them up and from whom she could not escape because no one in Rivendell other than Celeborn really knew her. Thankfully, Merry the Hobbit found her and invited her and Boromir to join the Hobbits, Erestor, and Haldir in a game; they had wanted to move on to playing Hearts, but with Glorfindel otherwise occupied (he was frequently seen walking from one room to the next while laughing maniacally) and the twins sleeping, they needed two more people to set up a second table.

The reason for the unavailability of those three elves lay with Legolas, who after fleeing the previous night had determined to trick the twins into an equally embarrassing situation. It was Nutsy who found the means of pranking them and Glorfindel, who found in the Mirkwood elf a willing ally for his revenge on them, who suggested the content of the prank. Sometime after Galadriel had gone to bed, Legolas had found Vienasar and persuaded him to contribute a certain article as vengeance for the 'orc in bed' prank to which he had been subjected. Glorfindel, at the same time, had approached Arwen and collected her donations in exchange for his promise not to tell her father of the plans she and Aragorn had made for the next day.

On account of the large number of non-natives in Rivendell, Elladan and Elrohir were sleeping in the same room for the first time since they were elflings, thus allowing Legolas to get both of them in one fell swoop. During the very early hours of the morning, he entered their room and replaced the clothes each had set out for the next day with those articles he had obtained previously. He then lit two braziers. The first would burn a sleep-inducing herb that would keep the twins asleep until the evening, when the largest possible crowd would be assembled to dine. The second would burn the leaves of a mind-altering plant that would seriously cloud their perception and judgment. Nutsy had stolen both from Radagast's rather significant stores; the former was, in smaller doses, perfect for putting injured animals to sleep while he treated their wounds, and the latter was a southern substance that was, also in small doses, his preferred alternative to mere pipeweed. Legolas, however, was not skimping on the quantity of either. The hope was that, by the time the twins awoke, they would be sufficiently pliable that they could be unknowingly steered toward extreme humiliation just as the actions of the birds had led Legolas to make his now infamous statement.

Meanwhile, just as Celeborn was about to feign illness to get away from the other twins, Erestor came by and announced that supper was to be served soon. He then proceeded to issue the same summons to the Hearts players and all the other guests of Rivendell, before going and waking the sleepers. Bilbo was at least pleased at the thought of another meal until he realized that said meal was to be supper and not second breakfast. Elrond, on the other hand, grumbled rather vocally and made no secret of his intention to go back to sleep as soon as he was finished eating. Erestor did not comment that, at this point, it was obvious that Elrond was staying in bed because it was better than being awake in a house as chaotic as this one and not because he physically needed it. Of course, Erestor also suspected that the fact that Elrond, his children, Glorfindel, Legolas, indeed all of the celebrated canonical elves save himself needed sleep as humans did was attributable to the twins that had infiltrated Rivendell.

Speaking of twins, when Erestor went to awake the pair that belonged in Rivendell, he found Legolas standing outside their door. "What are you doing?" "Oh, nothing really." "Supper will be served shortly and I need to wake them." "Don't worry, Erestor, I will do so." Erestor paused. He had lived with Elladan and Elrohir for far too long to be fooled by Legolas' innocent act, which was as transparent as the (nonexistent) windows of Rivendell. Something was afoot. On the other hand, he had lived with Elladan and Elrohir long enough to know that trying to interfere with a prank in progress was like trying to rescue livestock from the mouth of a dragon: there was no way you could save the victim and attempting to do so would only lead to you being consumed as well. So Erestor nodded and left Legolas to his wicked devices. Legolas, for his part, expected that they would wake up fairly soon.

Elrohir opened his eyes in the hazy interior of a bedroom. It was not his own. He might have found the whole thing more curious were he not aware of a few sunbeams coming in the window. One was purple, a second yellow, a third teal, and on and on, a veritable rainbow of groovy colors. It was a sign of how out of things Elrohir was that he never questioned the etymology of his choice of adjectives. He was, however, quite unsure of what his next course of action was supposed to be, so he just sat, blinking and enjoying the pretty colors, until the thought of a shower began to appeal to him. With his mind wandering among the infinitely variable and ever intoxicating hues before him, he failed to register the implications of going to the shower clad in what appeared to be an undershirt and a pair of novelty briefs.

Thus attired, he turned around to find that he was not alone. He could not make out her face clearly, but she looked pretty enough, standing there in her bathrobe. He did not remember going to bed with a female but, what the Hall, there were enough of them to go around. At his gesture, the two of them opened the door and went to the corridor. Elrohir failed to notice the elf snickering at them as he dashed off and vaguely wondered if, perhaps, his brother had also seen some action last night…

Elladan was vaguely aware that he was walking toward the shower, but everything was kind of hazy. It was as though he was looking at everything through rose-colored glasses… which were now mauve… now chartreuse. His head was pounding and his eyes swimming as though he had spent too much time in a closed room with smoking hobbits. But for all that, he really couldn't complain. After all, the woman, even if he was unable to see her clearly, looked pretty hot. Hot enough, in fact, that he felt no need to question her judgment in going abroad wearing naught but her unmentionables. They were quite close to the facilities, but an elf who appeared to be Glorfindel intercepted them. He had a curious grin which Elladan interpreted as a combination of admiration of his girl and jealousy of him for getting to her first. It made him wish he could remember what, if anything, they had done the previous night.

"I'm afraid the showers are broken. You two will have to use the makeshift ones we've rigged up. Follow me." Glorfindel snickered as both meekly followed him without recalling that the showers of Rivendell, consisting as they did of hot water slowly released through strategically-placed holes in the holding tanks, were highly unlikely to break or be otherwise rendered unusable.

Elrohir, becoming more and more emboldened as Glorfindel led them farther and farther from the bedroom, decided to put his arm around the woman.

Elladan was surprised at how forward the woman was, draping her arm around his waist like that, but he did not object and instead reciprocated. They were entangled thus, blissful in their happily distracted world, when, um, what's his name, the jerk who had the hots for Arwen, passed them and said "Nice one, El!" As he nodded in appreciative response, he saw that the girl had done so as well. He was bemused for a moment before it occurred to him that the girl was probably just acknowledging that she was described as 'nice.'

As Vienasar passed the couple, he shook his head and muttered what sounded like "stoned." Elrohir took a minute to realize that it was probably "stones" and thus a compliment referring to that which was noticeable through and barely contained by his underwear. By the time he had figured it out, however, Glorfindel had opened a door, ushered them into an alcove, told them the water would be brought shortly, and closed the door again. Examining their surroundings, they saw that the alcove was closed off by a curtain at the other side. Between them and the curtain, which was a swirling rainbow of color, sat a rich cake decorated with extremely fancy icing. Elrohir looked at the girl, a wicked grin spreading on his face, and he was pleasantly surprised to see an identical grin on her face…

From her seat between her father and Legolas, Huchelda kept one eye on her food, one eye on the course-staging area, and wished she had a third eye to watch Legolas. Incidentally, it was her brother and not Legolas who had warned her that something big was coming with dessert. He refused to give her any hints but just warned her to watch the unobtrusive curtain, which was only used when something needed to be added to a dish at the last possible moment, in this case whipped cream to the fancy cake that was to be served momentarily. As Glorfindel came in and took his seat, Huchelda again wondered what the big deal about Galadriel was. She was unabashedly staring at Ralas, who seemed to be pointedly avoiding her gaze, as though afraid of being caught looking at a married woman. Gimli the dwarf was, in turn, pointedly trying to catch her eye, and Vienasar had been doing the same since he came to his seat a few minutes before. There must be something about that woman to attract all those men, but she couldn't figure out what it was…

Huchelda was not given any further opportunity to contemplate Galadriel because dessert was announced and the curtain pulled away. There was a moment of stunned silence, during which one could have heard a flea sneeze, before the entire hall burst into laughter. She grinned wickedly, wondering who could have convinced the twins to publicly admit the affinities that she had tried to induce them to disclose during the dance on the eve of the council.

If Boromir thought he had been frightened and sickened during the dance, this was nothing compared to what he saw now. Elladan and Elrohir were standing far too close together spreading icing and whipped cream over each other. One of them was wearing a lacey white camisole and a pair of purple panties. The other was in a bathrobe of a color normally only worn by men who were, one way or the other, extremely secure in their sexuality. He quickly turned to Gandalf for reassurance. "Please tell me that wearing women's underwear or a pink robe is another symptom of GPS." Through his sniggering, the wizard managed to respond. "I'd call it salmon, and I think it's a symptom of particularly vicious pranking and the misuse of herbal, um, remedies." Gandalf, perceptive being that he was, had noticed that the robe had a picture of Arwen on the back and that the panties bore Tengwar script across the bottom that, let's just say, did not bear repeating, thereby implicating the two sources of the offending articles of clothing.

It was only after Elrond had yelled "Elladan! Elrohir! What are you doing?" that each twin recognized the identity of the other and quickly pulled apart, with looks of horror that no one present would soon forget. As they fled the scene, stumbling through the drug-induced haze, Legolas and Glorfindel declared victory, knowing that, by the time the author thought of a prank that could top this one, the story would be long over.

Unbeknownst to everyone busy watching the twins, Galadriel and Celeborn had taken the opportunity provided by the distraction to meet each other's eyes and exchange a message as only married couples can.

The entertainment having left, Huchelda turned back to Legolas. An intriguing thought entered her head and she decided to relate it to her current romantic interest. "You know, you and Figwit playing like that would be really hot." His reaction was quite disappointing, given that he jumped from the table and told her never to speak to or even look at him again.

Having thus receded into a depressed state, she found it necessary to seek out her father for comfort. Her brother also wanted to speak with their father, in this case to gloat about his (minor) role in the prank, namely doing some good with his now useless Salmon Bathrobe of Arwen Worship. Between the two of them, they dragged their father back to a room so they could again talk freely. The night was still young and there was much Ralas had yet to hear.

Celeborn could not believe his lousy luck. He and Galadriel had wanted each other so badly that they had decided to spend the night together and damn the consequences. Before he could get to her room, though, the stupid twins had cornered him and were again talking his ears off. This time, he decided it was worth the risk of employing his last and most effective defense mechanism: he slipped into Non-Entity Mode, his mind blissfully recalling nights with Galadriel while his body remained trapped in these dull conversations.

"… I mean, seriously, can't an elf take a joke?" Huchelda asked rhetorically. To her surprise, her father answered "A joke it may be here, but dead serious it were in other fics." Huchelda paused. Her father's syntax had fallen into a curious pattern that sounded somehow familiar. It wasn't Yoda… "Celeborn! You aren't our daddy! You're Celeborn!" Vienasar seemed puzzled. "Who?" Huchelda supplied "Galadriel's husband; has one line in FotR."

Galadriel opened the door and took one step into the room, completely oblivious to whatever debate the twins were involved in. She had been deprived for far too long, and she would satisfy her need. She would just grab her husband, shove him into the closet next door, and… well, you can imagine.

Huchelda, oblivious to Galadriel's presence, repeated her accusation to Celeborn, unaware that his attention was now almost entirely on his wife. "You aren't our father."

Celeborn, focused as he was on Galadriel, opened his mouth and quickly tasted his toenails. "Who's to say I couldn't be? If your mom was as pretty as you…"

Though his eyes were focused on her as he spoke, Galadriel nonetheless gasped and fixed him with the Elf Lady Death Stare. How could he talk about another woman when she wanted him so, especially when said woman had given life to that… abomination, even if she is a pretty abomination? Without another thought, she stalked out of the room, leaving behind a confused and quite disappointed husband.

Appalled and unsatisfied, she headed back toward her room and began entertaining thoughts of Gimli who, based on his earlier intimations, would certainly be willing to help her out of this uncomfortable predicament. There was, however, the little problem of her being married, but then again, he wasn't an elf. How did she know that he even had the body parts necessary to commit adultery? She couldn't remember ever having seen a dwarf woman. Perhaps dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground. Aule is a strange guy, after all. She decided to summon him and, um, find out.

Celeborn sat in stunned silence as the twins left, no longer having interest in him if he wasn't their father. What had he said? He hadn't really been paying attention to anything but the appearance of his wife; he wanted her so badly and it was obvious that she equally wanted him. And yet he had said something to make her mad enough with him to forego satisfying their mutual passion. Which meant she was still desirous… Celeborn, who had been contemplating a return to Non-Entity Mode until she forgave him, suddenly sprang into action. He knew that Vienasar had expressed an interest in, um, comforting Galadriel during the absence of her husband, and he would sooner join Sauron than see his wife in bed with that… abomination. So he hastened to her room, unaware that Vienasar had already established a stakeout opposite her door, himself unaware that she had already returned to her room and was no longer alone.

As soon as he had come to the room, Galadriel told the dwarf to stand on chair. Once he had done so, she began kissing him. After getting over his initial shock, the dwarf began to reciprocate, the movement of his lips matching that of hers and one hand slipping behind her head as the other hugged her closer. When the door suddenly burst open, they quickly broke apart, Galadriel wincing as, in the process of withdrawing his hand, Gimli plucked three hairs from her golden head.

Celeborn, not expecting to find his wife with a dwarf, nevertheless managed to recover his power of speech first, ordering his wife to "Chuck him out of here." The dwarf bristled. "Nobody tosses a dwarf." Celeborn ignored that remark, instead grabbing the dwarf, unaware that he was pulling on perhaps the most treasured part of a dwarf's anatomy. "Not the beard!" Gimli yelled before Celeborn literally threw him out and slammed the door behind him. "I knew there was a reason I hated dwarves," Celeborn muttered before turning back to his wife. "Now let's do this. I'm the Lord Celeborn, and I'm back, baby!"

Outside, Vienasar had narrowly avoided being hit by the flying dwarf. Between his repulsion at seeing his beloved make out with a dwarf and his recognition that her love for her husband was too strong for him to overcome, he decided to give up on Galadriel, wondering what spell could have made him fall for her in the first place. With a shrug, he moved on, wondering if Éowyn was available.

A few minutes later, Galadriel lay in bed, feeling much happier and wondering what the Hall she had ever seen in that dwarf.

Meanwhile, in some distant corner of Rivendell, that dwarf sat, blissfully admiring the lock of her hair he had lately obtained.

-

So there you have it: the real story behind the prank wars at the council and the relationship between Galadriel and Gimli and… What's that you say? This is supposed to be a story about Sues vs. the Canon? Oh, very well. I suppose that will be resolved in the forthcoming epilogue.
The usual disclaimers apply; I own only the ill-conceived OCs and am making no money from my defamation of Tolkien's characters. I have also borrowed lines from the movie (in the Gimli/Galadriel scene) and those are not mine either. I hate slash but, given that Glorfindel and Legolas were seeking to avenge a disgustingly slashy prank and a publicly/sexually embarrassing one, a publicly embarrassing slashy prank seemed appropriate. Nor do I think that Galadriel would ever seriously consider having relations with an infatuated dwarf.
Noldo: Thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Yes, the lovebirds could use a rest, but I don't know that they would willingly take one.
Dragon-of-the-north: There you go again, writing reviews that are funnier than the actual material :-) I love your interpretation of the sexual politics in Chapter IX; I need people like you to explain the deeper meaning of what I say. And, yes, the image of Éowyn as the French "La Mort" actually does, in a curious way, foreshadow the end of the twins.
Figure: Yes, the bunny on a wire is from Monte Python (as stated in the notes to Chapter VI). It's good to have heard from you, and I encourage you to review more often; sometimes the reviews are the only thing keeping me from abandoning a project entirely.
makoto-47: Glad that you're liking it. Booby is indeed the proper spelling in referring to one of the birds, though I believe that Boobie is considered acceptable in reference to, well, one of that which everyone else in the vicinity thought Legolas was referring to.
Lady LeBeau: Radagast certainly is underappreciated. He will also make an appearance in the epilogue. And Éowyn's mistake was inspired by a heretofore unpublished couplet in one of my brother's LotR limericks, a conversation between Éowyn and Gimli as the elves are marching into Helm's Deep: "Are elf women there?" / "Can't tell; it's the hair."
Theaphelia: Glad you thought it was good. For my reasons in not using the term 'Marty Stu,' see my note to Laureline in Chapter V.