To the Halls of Mandos in a Backpack
Epilogue: When Worlds Collide
After facing as much public embarrassment as they had, most elves would probably hide for as long as possible in hopes that the whole thing would blow over. Given the overcrowded state of Rivendell and the presence of two individuals who had already shown a penchant for humiliating themselves, such a course of action might have been even more prudent. Elladan and Elrohir, however, were not 'most elves' and were never shy about anything. They had been openly shamed before, albeit never as badly as Legolas and Glorfindel had gotten them, but they had also learned to laugh at themselves and were fully aware that everyone would eventually realize that they had been involuntarily drugged and were thus not responsible for their actions.
Their plan for diverting everyone's attention away from themselves was to fulfill their promise to Pippin and organize a cursing contest. As announced at breakfast, it was to be limited to Quenya and Sindarin expletives and would consist of a series of head-to-head matches among a group of contestants that already included Elrond (who wanted the opportunity to vent), Galadriel (who couldn't resist the chance to compete with her son-in-law), and Tanglinna (who wanted to upstage the Noldor in this most important of fields). The matches were to be judged on virulence, creativity, and applicability to the target by Gandalf (who was ineligible to compete because he had at his disposal the favorite curses of the Valar), Arwen (who refused to enter because she knew she could not top her performance from the Council), and Elrohir. Elladan, true to the plan he had while guarding Elrond's healing of Frodo, would serve as official recorder of the event, though there was no doubt that at least one of the Hobbits would be taking notes as well.
After the announcement, others decided to get involved: Erestor, Celeborn (who was probably as good at cussing as his wife but tended to be far more subtle), Haldir (who, having access to probably the two largest vocabularies in Middle-earth in his master and mistress, was under the illusion that he could compete with either), and Aragorn (who knew he would get slaughtered but felt that it was important that man be represented). Gimli and Boromir had also wanted to participate, the former being rather skilled with Khuzdul expletives and the latter seriously overestimating his competence with Adunaic curses (a consequence of rarely using them when he wasn't drinking). They were, understandably, disallowed because the other contestants would not be able to understand them, but they decided to stage a protest cursing contest between them, which Bilbo and Glorfindel, despite being totally ignorant of the languages involved, agreed to judge, the former because they told him it was the real contest he would be judging, the latter because he was afraid that Elrohir and Elladan would try to get back at him if he appeared at their contest (even though Legolas, a more obvious target, had no such fears).
Both contests would begin before lunch the next day, and both would be held outside to take advantage of the pleasant weather. Surprisingly, Vienasar and Huchelda did nothing to disrupt or otherwise enliven the planning, instead spending the entire day talking behind closed doors. Éowyn had taken upon herself the task of trying to make sure that they were not planning something and had recruited Nutsy to eavesdrop and Radagast to translate. Unfortunately, the twins had done something or other that made them all but impossible to hear, but among the snatches of conversation the squirrel caught Vienasar saying "I wish you weren't my sister." That was enough for the woman and the wizard to formulate a plan by which they would save all of the canonical characters from the further unwanted amorous advances of those two.
-
Galadriel was in the middle of warming up her voice and mentally reviewing her plan of attack for the first match, which pitted her against Erestor, when something different pricked the edge of her consciousness. It took her a minute to realize that what she felt was the presence of Rumil and Orophin in Imladris. She was torn. Based on the way the twins were looking at each other, they were up to something, so it was critical to deploy the weapon as soon as possible to prevent further problems. To do so, however, she would have to leave the cursing contest, and Galadriel would never back down from a challenge. Fortunately, Haldir's brothers were heading directly for the protest contest and thus Glorfindel, who was perhaps the only elf in Rivendell besides her husband she could trust to wield the weapon. After she mentally relayed her instructions to him, he reluctantly agreed to do so because he could thereby take revenge against Huchelda for the atrocities she had committed at the dance. As she passively tracked him to the prison cells, it occurred to her that, if the Valar had indeed sent Glorfindel back to Middle-earth, it must have been for this mission.
Outside, Huchelda and Vienasar had decided on a plan of action. It wasn't pretty, and it seemed quite a waste given all the effort they had put into this, but they had reached an understanding that, in combination with their failure to obtain their desires in Middle-earth, provided them with only one option. Granted, Huchelda had wanted drowning, which Vienasar opposed because they had already come close to doing so, while he had favored poison, which she felt was too subtle. In the end, they had compromised on knives and decided to put it off until after the cursing contest. After all, there was no reason for them to deny themselves what promised to be an epic of entertainment.
Elladan was just finishing the recitation of the rules, after which Galadriel and Erestor would begin the first match, when an old man in brown robes came in and began speaking to the crowd assembled, although he seemed to be talking to them specifically. "Landroval has just brought me word…"
"Landroval?" Vienasar interrupted.
"Brother of Gwaihir the Windlord. Anyway, Landroval has just returned from his flight to Nantaurea, where he spoke to King Ralas Firnquareion and learned the true nature of your relationship. Vienasar is Huchelda's grandfather's half-brother's daughter's husband's ex-roommate's son."
Huchelda paused, trying to work that out. "Which makes us…?"
"Absolutely nothing! Less related than Aragorn and Arwen! And you know what they are doing…"
Huchelda and Vienasar stared at the brown-robed man and then, as one, turned slowly toward each other. On the one hand, how were they to know if this was any more true than Celeborn pretending to be Ralas? On the other hand, they would take even the slimmest excuse, knowing that now they could both have what they truly wanted and continue to enjoy their stay in Middle-earth, perhaps even going on the Quest and making everything easier for the canon.
There was no need for discussion. As one, their limbs wrapped around each other and their lips came together.
The reactions of the others were mixed. Some were stunned. Some applauded, figuring that such foul creatures were perfect for each other. Mithrandir grinned, having finally seen the seeds he planted shortly after he arrived in Imladris bear fruit. Celeborn was totally oblivious, because he was still working out the implications of Radagast's riddle. If Ralas was Huchelda's father, then he probably had nothing to worry about, but if Tanglinna had been correct about Maedhros being her father, then Vienasar's father was an ex-roommate of, if his memory of Noldorin family trees was correct, either himself or Eöl, and he did not think that Eöl had been the type to have roommates outside of Aredhel. Granted, Celeborn had never really had a roommate, unless one counted the times that Thingol stayed in his room after quarrelling with Melian, but he doubted Thingol would have had children with another elf. Oh, and there was that one time Galadriel had secretly sent him to treat with Maedhros and he had shared the Feanorian's tent so his own presence would not become known…
-
In a familiar prison cell, Éowyn was stuffing the Uruk skin that Glorfindel, following Galadriel's orders, was donning. To overcome his disgust at having to again wear the suit in which he had pranked Vienasar, he had downed the entire bottle of Dorwinion, which had not left the cell since Tanglinna had brought it there, not even sharing a sip with the woman who had volunteered to help him with his costume, as Elrohir had done before. He was unaware that, had he not imbibed the canonical wine, the weapon would not have enough power to fulfill its task.
From a distance, it was a fairly normal looking short bow. Its composition made it special. The bow itself was the bough of a mallorn strung with a magically fortified hair of Faramir (the longer-haired of the two characters who, in the true canon, most completely resisted the temptation of the Ring). The two arrows, one for each target, were made from the thin dead branches of the White Tree of Gondor. Their arrowheads were mithril and treated with athelas. It would be fired by an elf who played an important, if forgotten, role in the Third Age canon and debatably the First as well. Said elf had consumed a bottle of Dorwinion and was wearing the skin of an Uruk, which, being a generic inhabitant of canon that occasionally wounded Mary Sues so they could be rescued by their lust objects, would allow the elf to circumvent the magic that otherwise prevented canon from inflicting serious injury on the twins. It was, in short, the ultimate weapon the Canonical Resistance Movement could construct against this incursion.
-
In an apartment in a parallel universe, Theodosia King was sitting on the couch with the cat in her lap, watching TV to determine the plausibility of going for a picnic the next day. She should have been writing, but a) what was the point? and b) she had the cat in her lap. How could she disturb the pretty kitty? Crowbait was right next to her, ostensibly to pet the cat, but both of them were fully aware that he was really doing it just to be closer to her. Their eyes (and hands) kept meeting, and even the cat seemed aware that he would not have the warm, comfortable lap to himself for much longer.
Movement on the screen caught Vienasar's attention. The map, showing the predicted movement of fronts over the next 48 hours, was normal, but the weatherman was wearing full body armor, complete with multiple sharp edges, nasty-looking gauntlets with which to gesture at the map, and a spiky helmet. He wondered how long the Weather Channel had been hiring defeated Dark Lords, but Theodosia drew his attention back to her and turned off the TV.
-
While the twins who were, apparently, not in fact twins continued to make out, oblivious to their surroundings, Glorfindel appeared in the midst of the assembly, all of whom reached for weapons with which to eliminate the orc before Elrohir, recognizing the Uruk skin, yelled at them to stop. Glorfindel then addressed them, still completely unnoticed by the happy lovers. "This is the weapon, assembled by Galadriel, with which I can kill these twins. Shall I?"
Tanglinna shrugged. "Well, at this point, things are so out of order that we will have to break the world to restore canon anyway; nothing good can come from this. But we might as well get them out."
Inexplicably, Awrin the Mini-Balrog was there. "He's right. We will have to break the world. But we must get them out first. To keep Sauron from using his power to interfere with the recreation of the proper canonical world for his own benefit, I asked him to ensure that those two never write fanfiction again. Granted, it's taking him some time to differentiate among the electronic devices, but, nevertheless, you may fire when ready. Any Mini-Balrogs of reviewers are hereby cordially invited to a barbeque of the fangirl and fanboy."
Glorfindel drew back and fired the first arrow. It struck a mortal blow, and Vienasar was dead before he hit the ground. Huchelda had time to turn to Glorfindel with her mouth open in shock before he fired the second arrow, sending her to the same fate.
-
Back in the apartment, the computer exploded, causing Theodosia's cat to run at top speed and hide under the bed. On the couch, however, Theodosia King and Crowbait barely noticed. They were together at last, having finally found the romance that they sought and, perhaps more importantly, enjoying the "passionate, steamy-hot sex" that they craved.
-
In Rivendell, even as the world was being broken and remade around them, all the characters breathed a sigh of relief.
The reign of horror endeth.
-
(A/N: Well, there you have it, my first and probably last attempt at a Mary Sue parody and an extended humor piece. I hope you all enjoyed it. The canon characters belong to Tolkien, Tanglinna to TreeHugger, the OCs to me, and I am making no money off of any of this. Mini-Balrogs are an invention of Miss Cam explained in OFUM and Awrin is my Mini-Balrog. Spaceballs (the Mel Brooks movie) was the inspiration for Radagast's report of the twins' 'true' relationship. Lady LeBeau suggested Sauron as forecaster in a review of Wings. The title of the chapter comes from an episode of Seinfeld. As for who won the cursing contest, that question must remain unanswered. Happy Holidays!)