Killing Mrs. Norris
Chapter 2: Questions, Guests, Aliens and More
SiriousB1: in that rubber room, rubber room. I died in that rubber room. They buried me deep...
Scene: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Crabbe, Goyle, Draco, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Filch, Snape and Mrs. Norris's dead, mangy body were all gathered in Dumbledore's office. In the center of the room was a wooden chair with a soft, padded seat. In that chair sat a girl. Not any ordinary girl, mind you, but a crazy, cat-killing freak. This girl was bound in ropes that had been conjured up out of nowhere by one of the three Professors.
SiriousB1: ...very deep. The worms. They drove me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a...
Draco: We're going to lock you in a cell in Azkaban if you don't shut up!
Everyone except for SiriousB1 nod in agreement.
Dumbledore: Now, miss; what we have to say to you today is very important. You have...
Filch: Committed a serious crime!! You have killed my cat! I shall now write the Ministry and send a few dementors out here!
Dumbledore: You will do nothing of the sort, Argus!
But, at exactly that moment, the evidently mad girl started in a frenzy of kicking and screaming the word...
SiriousB1: CAT!!!!
Professor McGonagall raised her wand and cast a spell to make the girl calm down. (A/N: Yeah, I don't think one of those exist, but bear with me here...)
McGonagall: Why don't we all settle down! If we are going to get to the bottom of this, then we all must stay calm.
Dumbledore: Thank you, Minerva. Now, if you will all have a seat?
The staff and students looked around. Snape and McGonagall claimed the large, padded, red seats on either side of the door. Hermione took the seat opposite Dumbledore's by his desk. Harry, Ron, Draco, Crabbe and Goyle could find no other seats, so they sat on the ground, grumbling. Filch refused to sit even when seats were available. He leaned against the staircase's railing and petted his dead cat as if it were still alive.
SiriousB1's left eye twitched violently but she kicked no more.
Dumbledore: Before we start this interrogation, we must know the name of our felon.
SiriousB1: ...
Dumbledore: Um...
Snape: You, girl! What is your name?
SiriousB1: Hmm?
Snape: What is your name?
SiriousB1 (mimicking): What is your name?!
Snape: Stop doing that!
SiriousB1 (mimicking): Stop doing that!
Snape: What the hell is your name?!
SiriousB1 (mimicking): What the hell is your...
Ron: Shut up!
SiriousB1: BWAHAHAHA!
Hermione: Oh, honestly!
She got up out of her chair (which was then immediately occupied by Draco) and walked over to the girl.
Harry: Careful Hermione!
Hermione (ignoring Harry and speaking toward the girl): It's okay; we're not going to hurt you. Just tell us your name.
SiriousB1 (faintly): Name...?
Hermione: Yes, your name.
SiriousB1: My name is Indigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die!
Hermione: Isn't that from a movie or a book or something?
Dumbledore: Actually, it is...
Harry: Wait! So, what is your name?
SiriousB1: I do not disclose such personal information to people I have hardly been introduced to first.
Everyone flinches backwards at the girl's sudden vocabulary and long sentence.
Draco: Sheesh...
Dumbledore: Very well. (He points to each person as he says his or her name.) That is Argus Filch, Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Harry Potter, Ronald Weasely and I am Albus Dumbledore.
SiriousB1: SiriousB1.
McGonagall: Pardon?
SiriousB1: My name is SiriousB1.
Draco (snorting): Impossible! No one's name has a number in it!
SiriousB1 (snorting): You stoopid!!! Names can have numbers in them!
Draco: Yeah? Anyone besides yours?
SiriousB1 (nods): King Louie the 16th. Artemis Fowl the 2nd. Henry the...
Draco: Not like that!!
Hermione: What Malfoy means is that you can't have a numeral in you name that immediately follows the name.
SiriousB1: Oh...I know!
Draco (blinking): Then how can your name be SiriousB1?
SiriousB1: It's not!
Everyone throws ands up in the air. They are back where they started. SiriousB1 grins and giggles like the maniac that she is.
Dumbledore: Okay, let's try this ONE more time! What is your REAL name?
SiriousB1: I can't tell you.
Everyone: WHY THE HELL NOT??!!
SiriousB1: I refuse to give out my real name online.
Everyone: Huh?
SiriousB1: Okay, I give in...my name is Mary!
Everyone began clapping. They had finally accomplished something.
Filch: Great, great! So now we have her name! Everyone get the confetti and balloons! HELLO! MY CAT IS STILL DEAD HERE!
Everyone freezes as SiriousB1's left eye begins twitching violently again.
SiriousB1: Cat...?
Ron: Dog! He said dog!
To everyone's relief, the girl stopped convulsing and relaxed in her chair.
McGonagall: Now, why did you kill Argus's...um...pet?
Draco: With a halibut, no less?
SiriousB1: Pet? You mean his cat?
Everyone sweat drops.
SiriousB1: Oh! I killed her because she is evil and cannot be trusted. I have information that she is in league with the cats from Trigun, Jeepers Creepers, Fushigi Yûgi, and Harriet the Spy.
Everyone stands still for a moment (all with confused looks on their faces) and then sigh with relief. She didn't go psycho on them!
Dumbledore: That's all good and well (at this point, Filch grumbles something about how having his cat dead is all good and well), but how did you get into Hogwarts? I didn't detect you and Hagrid would have told me if he had seen you on grounds.
SiriousB1: You ask a lot of questions.
Ron: We've only asked three!
Draco: She's American; she is too stoopid to answer more than half of a question without having her brain fry!
SiriousB1: Oh yeah? Well, then, why did you spell the word stupid "s-t-o-o-p-i-d"?
Draco (looks at script): Aw, shit!
SiriousB1: BWAHAHAHA!
Snape: Just answer the question!!!
SiriousB1: Okay, okay, sheesh! Well, um, let me think...first I woke up in my little house that is outside Chicago. Then, I realized how all the movies and stuff that I've been watching lately have contained cats. So, I figured that they were in a conspiracy against me.
Everyone: ?????
SiriousB1 (ignoring them): This thought was confirmed when remove all seven of my advice columns when I claimed that I disliked cats. Also, my friends like cats. Well, actually, most of them are dog people, but, all the same!
Filch: So, you killed my cat because a website got rid of a story that you wrote?
SiriousB1: Something like that!
McGonagall: That still doesn't answer how you got into England, let alone Hogwarts. You look too young to travel to another country by yourself.
SiriousB1: Well, it was quite simple, actually. I went to the O'Hare Airport and followed one of the passengers (I had the seat next to theirs, and therefore a similar ticket) until I got on the plane. They all thought that I was their daughter! Then, I used my teleportation powers to sneak past customs and get here!
Hermione: Wait a minute. Two things: 1. If you had teleportation powers, why didn't you just use them to get in here from the USA?...
SiriousB1: Oh yeah...
Hermione: ...and 2. Why is there a dog chewing on your ropes?
Everyone looked down and saw a rather large dog trying to rip apart the ropes that bound SiriousB1 to the chair.
Hermione, Ron and Harry: SNUFFLES!!
The Dog: BARK!
SiriousB1: Huh?
Suddenly, the dog changed into a human man. He was rather scraggly looking with an unshaven face and was rather thin.
Everyone except for Dumbledore, Snape, Harry, Ron, Hermione and SiriousB1: SIRIUS BLACK!!!???
McGonagall and Draco: What is going on?
Crabbe and Goyle: ...
Filch: I'll be darned!
Snape: It's you!!
SiriousB1: Huh?
Dumbledore: Welcome, Sirius. I've been waiting for you. A little unexpected event has taken place, but I'm sure that if you would just...
Sirius: No, it's okay. I need to tell you something. This girl...she is not bad. She is on our side.
Filch: She killed my cat! I want to see some punishment!
SiriousB1: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone: ...
SiriousB1: That girl in the corner is trying to say something.
Everyone glances around to see Ginny who is standing up in a corner at the back of the room.
Dumbledore: Miss. Weasley?
Ginny: Um...I think I can explain what is going on. Sirius and SiriousB1 are, in fact, complete strangers: they have never met. However, on account that Sirius is an animargius that can turn into a dog, SiriousB1 is able to sense that he is on her side, just as Sirius can sense that she is on his. Both of them are major members of B.A.R.F., or, Beings Against Rabid Felines.
Filch: My cat was not rabid!!
SiriousB1: So, you've found me out. All right, I'll tell you what's going on. I am the head of America's B.A.R.F. and Sirius here is the head of England's B.A.R.F. I didn't know who he was until today; all I was told by some other British dude was that I was to meet another member of B.A.R.F. here after I proved myself.
Filch: That doesn't explain the fact that my cat was not rabid!
Sirius: By rabid, we mean crazy. Not infected with rabies.
SiriousB1 nods.
Ginny: In addition to being partners in B.A.R.F. Sirius and SiriousB1 share the same format in names, as do all of the countries leader of B.A.R.F. do.
SiriousB1: Good job, Carrot Top. You got us. Now, you want to tell us how you know...
Ginny (smiling): I have connections.
SiriousB1: ...and why has your hair suddenly changed to neon blue over a period of two seconds?
The room erupted in talk. Most were trying to get a look at Ginny's hair and were commenting about what was going on, but SiriousB1 had stood from her chair (Sirius had removed the final cords while the rest of them were talking) and pointed at the girl.
SiriousB1: You're...you're...!!!
Sirius: You're one of them, aren't you!!!???
Ginny: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Ron: Ginny, what the hell have you been smoking? I'm telling mom!
Ginny: BWAHAHHAHAHA!!!
Snape: What the fu...?
Dumbledore (sobbing): I'm helpless, save me, save me! I don't know how to do anything; it's all an act! Help me!
McGonagall: Shut up! (Knocks the Headmaster over the head with her wand and he passes out on the floor.)
Sirius and SiriousB1 are crouching by the wall, cornered by the now-blue-haired Ginny.
Ginny (in an alien-hissing-like voice): We have finally found you! Now you shall die!!
Sirius and SiriousB1: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Hermione (in an alien-hissing-like voice): Our leader wants you dead. Our leader must be obeyed. You cannot escape!
Draco (running to corner): Holy Mother of Kentucky Fried Chicken!!
Crabbe and Goyle: ...
Ron: What the heck is going on?
Harry: Run away!
SiriousB1 and Sirius: AHHHHHHHH!!
McGonagall: I am confuzzled.
Snape: I say the same thing as Ron except with more severe language.
Filch (in an alien-hissing-like voice): Destroy them! Do it now!!! They have killed the Ambassador of our society; now we shall have to find a new contact to send to Mars. Kill them!
Snape: IMMOBULUS!
Ginny, Filch and Hermione freeze.
Snape (snickering): I'll have to thank you when you get out of that, Granger. I wouldn't have thought of it if you hadn't used it in the hall.
Snape whips around and shoots ropes out of his wand that bind Sirius and SiriousB1, who had been sneaking toward the door.
Snape: You aren't going anywhere, fools. I am going to figure out what the hell is going on here if my life depends on it!
McGonagall: Good going, Severus. I daresay that you have quite possibly saved all of our lives.
Draco, Harry, Ron, Crabbe and Goyle come out of their hiding spots and step over the three blue-haired figures that lay unmoving on the floor. They sit down in a huddle and are silent. They have nothing to argue about; they are all so confused and scared that they had run out of things to say.
Snape: ASSIO TRUTH POTION!
Immediately, a potion bottle came whizzing through the door and into the Professor's hand.
Snape: Now, we'll figure everything out. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
He smiled viciously and the two figures wrapped in ropes shivered violently, unable to speak. The three frozen figures on the other side of the room had the appearance of a mouse ready to have a metal strip crush its tiny body. Snape Truth Potion Psychotic, scary, insane, bizarre, runaway situation and duck and cover.
Harry and Ron glanced at each other. This was going to be a long day.
NEXT CHAPTER: It's going to be a dog-and-cat fight between the two different races. The bystanders are making terrible mistakes by dropping things and Crabbe and Goyle are, for some reason, falling asleep! What will the truth potion reveal about the strange, alien race and the cat-hating leaders of B.A.R.F.? And, why is Dumbledore on the floor acting like a four-year-old?
Find out next chapter: DOGS, CATS, PROBLEMS, ETC.