Killing Mrs. Norris
Chapter 3: Dogs, Cats, Problems, Etc.
Scene: Professor Severus Snape, Professor Minerva McGonagall, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfory, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle are either standing or sitting in the center of Dumbledore's office. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is sitting on the floor playing with some random object. SiriousB1 and Sirius Black are bound in thick brown ropes and are lying collectively by a table leg. The human-turned-blue-haired-aliens (i.e. Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, and Argus Filch) lay frozen by a spell on the ground about three yards away from the two in bindings.
Snape (holding up bottle): This truth potion shall reveal everything that we need to know to figure out what this mess is about.
McGonagall: I say we start by releasing the...aliens from their spell.
Snape nodded and raised his wand. He dropped it for a moment, but quickly picked it back up. The sprawled figures suddenly snapped to life, only to be bound in ropes like the other captives. They grumbled and tried to twist their way out of them, but for nothing.
Snape: Now, who shall go first? The alien freaks, my mortal enemy or this completely mental American chick?
SiriousB1: Don't call me a 'chick'!
The remaining students (who really only wanted to get out of the office) were silent. They had never seen any of their teachers act so crazy before and they really didn't want to. And since two students' best friend and one of their sisters was now found out to be a form from another planet only added to that fact.
Ginny: Let them go first.
Sirius: Why us?
Ginny: Because you always save the best for last.
SiriousB1 and Sirius: HEY! We resent that!
Ginny, Filch and Hermione: Serves you right for killing our ambassador!
SiriousB1 (snorting): And it was darned easy too!
The two groups started fidgeting violently and their bindings seemed to be threatening to break, so Snape jumped in.
Snape: I think that the aliens should go first because they volunteered the other group. (The blue-haired ones look shocked and the other two prisoners snickered) So, if you would kindly pick one of your numbers to take the potion? Or, am I going to have to pick for you?
Hermione: I'll do it! But I warn you, human-wizard-man, you will get nothing from me!
Her companions nodded their heads in agreement. Ron looked at them in disbelief. Did they really think that anything force-fed to them by Professor Severus Snape was going to be easy to fight against?
Dumbledore: Inky binky bonky! Daddy bought a donkey! Donkey died, Daddy cried, inky binky bonky!
Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to face him. He was sitting with his legs to the side so that he had a small, empty place in front of him. Well, not empty exactly. He had apparently conjured up a bunch of Tonka toys and Lincoln Logs to play with. He realized that they were all gaping at him and looked up.
Dumbledore (blinking): What?
McGonagall: I thought I knocked you out!
Dumbledore (dropping a Tonka Truck and picking it back up): You did? Oh, yeah! I woke up 'cause I wanted to play with my toys.
Draco (thoroughly confuzzled): You wanted to play with your toys?
Dumbledore: So? You got pwabwam wit dat?
Draco shook his head nervously. Somehow, a powerful wizard who was acting like a spoiled brat didn't seem like the kind of person to mess with. Draco suddenly dropped a random item that has no significance to this story (except for the fact that it is being dropped) and picked it back up again.
Harry: Headmaster, what happened to you? (Dumbledore gives him a questioning look) I mean, why are you acting like a little kid? I mean, you talk like yourself (well, most of the time), but you act like a toddler!
Dumbledore: The doctors said it was bound to happen some day. You see, I was dropped on my head as a baby and thus became too smart for my own good. I went through school so fast that I missed most of my adolescence.
McGonagall: Well, at least he knows what's happening to him.
She then proceeded to try and put a sleeping curse on him. Much to her regret, however, Sirius chose exactly that moment to try and wiggle his way out of his ropes. He fell on his side, thus knocking into McGonagall's legs (A/N: She was standing by the table) causing her to misaim her spell. It hit Crabbe full in the knee and nicked Goyle's foot. They both went out like light bulbs.
McGonagall (sweatdrops and dropped the barrette that had fallen out of her hair): Oops...
Dumbledore (laughing childishly and clapping hands together like an idiot): Yay! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: Oh shut up!
He then raised his own wand and cast a knock out spell on the Headmaster. Normally he would have gotten a suspension from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but everyone was so annoyed by Dumbledore's child-like act that they didn't care. Even Draco gave him a high-five.
Snape: Right...now, to conclude my great speech, you shall now take this potion and we shall discover what secrets are being withheld!
Harry (whispering to Ron): Here it comes...
Snape: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Harry (still whispering): I told you so...
Snape: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Draco: Um, Professor?
Snape: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
McGonagall: All right, Scotty don't!
Snape: But I...
McGonagall: Ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you my new plan: Scotty don't!
Snape: My name isn't Scotty...
McGonagall (ignoring Severus Scotty Snape and grabbing the potion bottle): Take this, Miss. Granger alien person!
She then emptied half of the contents of the bottle down Hermoine's throat. At first, nothing happened. Then she started to cough, gag, choke, etc. until at last she was still. Her eyes opened very wide and her face went a milky white.
Snape (taking control again): Now, Granger, who are these cat-loving aliens?
Hermione: We are the aliens of Planet Hairball. We come to dominate the Earth by putting one of our spies into each and every one of the homes of this planet...
Ron (dropping brain): So that was were the idea came about for Cats and Dogs!
Hermione: ...We also plan to rid the world of all dogs and dog-loving creatures. We are creating a special laser beam that, by the year 62789 A.D., will be shot at this planet and wipe out all of those in the Canine Family.
Filch: Wait! I thought you weren't supposed to say anything! (Turns to Ginny) What are we going to do?
Ginny: There is nothing we can do. We have been discovered, but soon so will they.
Snape: Interesting, now what...
Hermione: Thus far, we have succeeded in placing one of our secret spies into every house in Japan, some of Europe and most of Asia.
Snape: That's fascinating, now...
Hermione: We shall not stop until we have accomplished our mission.
Snape: Great, how about...
Hermione: The lives of all dogs shall parish.
Snape: Done?
Hermione: Yes.
SiriousB1 and Sirius look quite a bit preoccupied. They seem to be making mental notes of the information spoken to tell the rest of B.A.R.F. later.
Snape: What do you have against P.U.K.E.?
Sirius: That's. B.A.R.F.!
Snape: Same difference! So, about this H.U.R.L.?
Sirius: B.A.R.F.!!!!!!!!!
Snape: R.A.L.P.H.!!!
Sirius: B.A.R.F.!!!
Snape: T.O.S.S.!!!!!
Sirius: B.A.R.F.!!!!!!
Snape: !!!!
Draco: Adults argue too much.
Ron (putting brain back in): No kidding!
Snape (he almost drops the potion bottle, but catches it at the last minute): Fine! Have it your way! B.A.R.F.! (turns back to Hermione) Now what does B.A.R.F. have to do with you?
Hermione: The Beings Against Rabid Felines have known about our alien society since Bastet founded it. The Ancient Egyptian race was, from then on, highly afraid of cats, so they worshipped them to appease them. There were those who tried to riot against us and held dogs at their temples and palaces instead of felines. B.A.R.F.'s founder is unknown to our race and we have no interest in trying to find out. Their organization is a threat to our goal and therefore must be annihilated.
SiriousB1: It's a pity that you don't know anything about us because we know an awful lot about you.
Ginny and Filch (not Hermione because she was under the influence of the truth potion) turned towards the grinning girl.
Ginny: You know nothing.
Sirius: Wanna' bet?
Filch: Yeah!
SiriousB1: Yeah?
Ginny and Filch: Yeah!
Sirius: Fine! SiriousB1 will take the truth potion when Scotty is done questioning Hermione.
Snape (turning red): Don't call me 'Scotty'!
Snape Fangirls (and some fan-guys if they swing that way): SCOTTY! SCOTTY! SCOTTY IS A HOTTIE! SCOTTY! SCOTTY! SCOTTY IS A HOTTIE!
One Random Snape Fangirl (dropping the book "The Guide to Everything Snape" and picking it back up again): Of course, by 'Scotty' we mean 'Snape'!
McGonagall: Who let them in?!
Sirius and SiriousB1: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
The Fangirls (and guys) suddenly disappeared as a result of the author's annoyance of too many characters.
Snape (continuing as if nothing had happened): I don't want you betting anything in this office! This is my inquiry; I'll decide what is done!
Ron (to Draco): Is he always this hotheaded?
Draco: Yeah, but I've seen worse.
Harry (dropping glasses and putting them back on): Really? When?
Draco: Well, there was this one time when he lost his Gilderoy Lockhart "Magical Me" book. You should have seen him! Woke up all of the Slytherin house, he did! He wouldn't let any of us get back to sleep until we found it. And him! He was sobbing like a Fangirl who had lost her ability to write Yaoi fics of Kurama and Hiei!
Harry and Ron (gasping): No!
McGonagall (who was secretly listening in on their conversation): What was he doing crying over one of Lockhart's books?
Draco (shrugging): Got me.
Snape: Well now. I believe that our interview with the aliens is over. You said the American was to be given the potion?
SiriousB1: Yeah, that's me!
Snape: Very well, Yankee, open wide!
But before he could even uncork the bottle, something phenomenal happened. Well, not phenomenal, but pretty astonishing. Well, not astonishing, but something that you wouldn't suspect would happen. Well, you as the reader might expect it to happen, but...oh, hell: Filch broke out of his ropes!
Filch: I'm free!
Snape (somehow dropping his wand): DAMN!
McGonagall (somehow dropping her wand): CRAP!
Draco, Harry and Ron: Oh well.
Sirius: Aha! En guard, you freaky feline man!
Sirius broke his ropes and then bent over to release SiriousB1. Filch was madly tearing at Ginny's bindings who then cut away Hermione's. (A/N: The potion wore off of her.)
SiriousB1 (dropping halibut and picking it back up): Let's see who's the strongest now!
Ginny: Cats versus dogs!
Sirius: Canine versus Feline!
Hermione (dropping...something and picking it back up): Intelligent beings versus Dumbasses!
SiriousB1 and Sirius: WE SHALL BE VICTORIUS!
Filch: DIE!!!!!
The two groups lunged at each other. It was a vicious fight of dogs against cats, or cats against dogs, whichever you prefer. You'd think that the cat side would have an advantage, but one of their numbers was a squab or squib or whatever that word is so he could basically do nothing but throw a few soft punches. But then again, you'd think that the dog side would be at a disadvantage, but one of their members was an American. So, you know how it is!
The groups fought and fought! Hair was pulled, faces were punched, balls were kicked, teeth were knocked out, a halibut flew, etc, etc, etc! There was some blood running down the dog-side's faces for cats do have sharp claws! But there was also some blood on the cat-side's shoulders for dogs do have sharp teeth!
It was then that something unbelievable happened: the plot thickened.
Next Chapter:
When the fight dies down, what will SiriousB1 say when under the influence of the truth potion? What is that mysterious flying thing-a-majig? Why are three of the students singing karaoke? What are they singing karaoke to? And...GASP! Is McGonagall hitting on Snape? Find out in the next chapter of Killing Mrs. Norris: Crushes, Songs and More Truths.