Killing Mrs. Norris
Chapter 4: Crushes, Songs and More Truths
Scene: The cat-loving aliens and the associates of B.A.R.F. are battling with all the strength they can muster. Dumbledore, Crabbe and Goyle lay in deep slumbers on the floor in the Headmaster's office, while Harry, Ron and Draco watch the fighting nervously, betting a few galleons here and there on the outcome. Snape holds his face in his hands, fed up with the nonsense that has spoiled his day. McGonagall is eyeing him with sympathy.
Hermione: The time for cats is at hand! All dogs shall be decapitated!
Sirius: When the realm of dogs rise, all felines shall be put into dungeons and tortured with excessive amounts of puppy chow! (Mmm…puppy chow…)
Draco (to Harry): Two galleons on the dog's side winning…
Harry: You're on!
Ginny: Planet Hairball shall take over this planet and use it to their advantage!
SiriousB1: B.A.R.F. shall plant fire hydrants around every corner on your silly little planet and then release upon it a pack of dogs that just drank of five gallons of water!
Ron: Why couldn't fluffy bunnies rule the world?
McGonagall: That's it! Severus, we must do something!
Snape (getting a hold of himself): You're right, Minerva! This is no time to be determining the fate of our world!
Draco, Harry and Ron watch their teachers dig through Dumbledore's desk, whispering excitedly about some dangerous plan to cease the war.
Harry: I don't like the looks of this…
Apparently having found whatever it was they had been looking for, the teachers move to opposite ends of the room, smuggling something box-like underneath their robes.
Snape (rattling box): Here kitty, kitty, kitty…
Hermione, Ginny and Filch glance over to the potions master wearily. Using their excellent cat-like vision, they see what he is shaking and dash over to him without a moment's hesitation.
Sirius: Victory!
Harry (handing Draco money): There go my two galleons…
McGonagall (also rattling a box): Come here puppies! There's some good doggies!
While the cat-loving aliens sit by the desk passing around a box of Meow Mix as if it were a bong, the dog-loving B.A.R.F. members fight over a box of Scooby Snacks by the office door.
Snape: Good work, Minerva! Without your brain, this plan wouldn't have been possible!
McGonagall: Oh, go on!
Ron (speaking to his fellow classmates): Why didn't they think of that earlier?
Draco and Harry (shrugging): Beats us…
Snape (glancing at the two groups): Now, if I remember correctly, we left off with feeding the Yank some truth potion…
To overwhelmed with the thought of the Scooby Snacks, SiriousB1 joyfully chugs what is left of the potion Snape gives her. Soon, her body becomes rigid and stiff and then begins to twitch madly, before settling into a calm, wide-eyed stare.
McGonagall: Alright…now, you said earlier that you and your fellow B.A.R.F. member knew quite a bit about your alien enemies?
SiriousB1 (almost robotically): Indeed, for our spies have been numerous, following their race with a strong determination.
Snape: What would you say is the most important thing you have learned from your efforts?
SiriousB1: The most astounding fact that we have found was the growing number of humans, wizarding and Muggle, who prefer a cat's company to a dog's. Despite our efforts, people seem to prefer serving egocentric animals that have no love for their masters.
Filch: Our race represents that of power!
Ginny: We have what it takes to rule all!
Sirius: But your intentions are evil! We dogs find that sharing this Earth will bring harmony and joy to everyone, rather than having it over run by you foolish cat-fiends!
McGonagall (trying to avoid yet another argument): Getting back to our inquiry…
Snape: Yes. Now, Yank, if your…people are so intent on sharing the world, why don't you try talking to humans to gain their trust?
SiriousB1: We have tried that, but, sadly, our efforts failed. Those who heard us speak went bad, or those who did believe turned into werewolves…
Ron (gasping): You mean…!?
Sirius: Yes.
Harry: He is…?
Sirius: He is.
McGonagall: But why didn't we…?
Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: He didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't believe!
All heads turn to the bright ball of light, no bigger than a marble, that is floating madly in the center of the office. SiriousB1, who is slowly slipping out of the potion's effects, gazes at it dreamily, eyes still wide. Sirius Black's eyes are also hazing over, getting lost in the fantastic glow of the light.
Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: Remus Lupin has been working undercover with Sirius Black since their days at Hogwarts, secretly making sure the school did not become "contaminated". Little did they know that they weren't the only ones watching…
Snape: And who, you crazy, oddly astonishing ball of brightness, else was working?
Filch (snickering): I remember. Representing Planet Hairball was none other than Lily Potter!
All except the aliens (who are happy) and the B.A.R.F. members (who are currently under the influence…of the light): GASP!
Harry: Not my mom…
Hermione: Yes, young Potter, it is true. And the rulers of Planet Hairball would be more than delighted if you would follow in your mother's footsteps and join us!
The three aliens each hold out a hand to the torn boy, eager for his answer.
Harry (gaping): I never knew… (he looks at the blue-haired weirdoes hopefully)
McGonagall: No, Harry! You mustn't! Think of Sirius!
He turns from the welcoming looking people to his godfather, who is still caught under the spell of the Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object. He thinks of all Sirius has sacrificed for him and his friends, but at the same time can't help but recall the night his parents were murdered and how his mother saved his life. He takes a step towards the aliens.
Ron: Harry, no!
Even Draco and Snape, Potter's enemies, look worriedly at him. They are obviously on the dog's side.
McGonagall: Come back to us, Harry, come back!
And Harry did.
Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: YOU POO!
The aliens hiss angrily at the boy, and the floating thing bobs around madly in the air, clearly frustrated.
Snape: That's the first favorable thing you've done at Hogwarts, Potter.
McGonagall: Good going, Harry! You have made us all very proud, once again!
Harry grins, looking proud of himself and totally forgets about the alien beings…
Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: You'll pay for this; all of you will! SINGO SONGO!
A horrific and sinister beam of red light shoots from the white ball and engulfs the three students, who had been celebrating Harry's choice. This demonic ray make Sirius and SiriousB1 snap out of the spell in which they had been trapped and gasp as the flying thing begins to make a noise. It was a menacing laughter that had quite noticeably not been practiced.
Mysterious Floating, Shiny Object: Come, fellow Hairball-ians! We flee!
Following the terrifying red ray the floating thing created, is a powder blue light that fills the room, blinding everyone. When it clears, the floating ball and the blue-haired aliens have vanished.
Ron (rubbing his eyes): What the heck just happened?
Snape: Where did they go?
Harry (turning to his godfather and the Yank): I chose your side. Now you must explain everything without the truth potion.
SiriousB1 (nodding): Indeed, Harry. You made the right choice.
Draco: First, riddle me this: What was that red beam that surrounded Harry, Ron and me?
The two B.A.R.F. members look at each other and gulp.
Sirius: That was a spell filled with great and terrible power. It is the Karaoke Curse (everyone gasps). Any minute now, the three of you will start singing songs that everyone loves, but you will sing them so badly that no one will be able to stand it.
The three students look nervously at each other and clamp their hands over their mouths, determined not to utter a single note or lyric.
McGonagall: Going back to Ron's and Severus's questions, what was that light thing and where are the aliens?
SiriousB1: That light was one of the members of Hairball's High Court. I believe he was the Grand Vizier, rather, the Royal Adviser.
Sirius: Undoubtedly he used his awesome powers to return them all to Planet Hairball and report their findings.
Harry: Why was he so calm when talking about Professor Lupin, if he is on their side?
Sirius: It is our unfortunate duty to tell you that Remus Lupin was kidnapped while on a mission not a week ago. That is why SiriousB1 and I were to meet earlier today.
Snape: So you were planning on rescuing him?
SiriousB1 (nodding): Yes, for it is our job to protect the lives of all dogs and dog-lovers, no matter the cost.
Ron: Why did you…
Whatever Ron was going to ask was never revealed for, at that instant, he and his fellow classmates all started hiccupping like they had never hiccupped before!
Sirius: And so it begins!
The teachers gape at the students in shock while the two B.A.R.F. members shake their heads in sadness. And so it does indeed begin:
Harry: My friend's got a girlfriend and he hates that bitch! He tells me every day!
Ron (interrupting): 'Cause I'm just a girl who can't say no…
Draco (also interrupting): We're men, manly men! We're men in tights, yes! We go around the forest looking for fights!
The three suddenly realize the chaos of the many different songs and form a huddle like one would see should one attend a football game. As the four others look on, they see a sight that strikes terror into their hearts: Draco, Ron and Harry have suddenly gone into suggestive poses and are singing a song that is just as famous as Bill Clinton's sex scandals, and just as desperate.
Harry, Ron and Draco (continuing to strike suggestive poses): Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?
McGonagall, Snape, Sirius and SiriousB1: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
As the boys continue the song, perform the can-can, and end in a series of acrobatic spectacles, the others begin whispering about how to stop the madness.
Sirius (drowning out Ron's shouts of random Disney songs): I have a plan…
Draco (unsuspecting of the plot): How much is that doggie in the window?
Harry (also unsuspecting): I don't get kicks from champagne…
Snape (quite suddenly): Sing "Blue" by Eiffel 65!
Ron: I'm blue, da ba de da ba di!
SiriousB1: No, sing "I Will Survive"!
Draco: At first I was afraid, I was petrified…
McGonagall: No, "Rock 'n' Roll All Night"!
Harry: I wanna' rock 'n' roll all night and party every day…
Sirius: Screw all those…sing "Back in Black"!
As the four shout out requests at random, Harry, Ron and Draco seem to barely manage to keep up with the songs.
Ron (tiredly): Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you…
Harry (even more tiredly): Hey, you, get off of my cloud…
Draco (the most tired of all): 'Cause I'm big, blonde and beautiful…
Without further singing, the three collapsed to the ground, panting, but looking rather happy.
Harry: Thanks for…
Draco: …breaking the…
Ron: …singing curse.
There were cheers from the four and sighs of relief from the students.
SiriousB1: Now that that's over with, my British partner and I have a question for you all…
Sirius (agreeing): We would like to know if you, who have chosen the side of the dogs, wish to help us fight in our battle against the horrors of cats!?
McGonagall: The choice, for me, does not need a second thought: I would be glad to join you.
Snape: And I!
Ron, Harry, and Draco: Us as well!
Sirius (clapping his hands together): Perfect! Then, come! We must now take you to our headquarters were all our plans are waiting to be seen!
Harry: Wait!
SiriousB1: Yes?
Harry: Well, what about…?
They all look over at the sleeping Crabbe, Goyle and Dumbledore. Each of them look happy enough, but none of them know when the spell will wear off.
Snape: It would be a shame to wake them…
Draco: Yes, it would. I mean, they could be dreaming about something really good!
McGonagall: Very well…Obliviate!
The light form her wand hits the sleeping beauties straight on, making it very hard to doubt that the memory erasing spell would work.
Sirius: Very good, Minerva! Off we go then…to the Batmobile!
SiriousB1: We have a Batmobile?
Sirius: Er, no…
McGonagall: However we get to your headquarters, I call a seat next to Severus!
All but McGonagall: SWEATDROP!
Ron: What exactly are you implying, Professor?
Snape: Yes, Minerva, what are you implying?
McGonagall: Uh…let's go, shall we?
And so they go, exiting Hogwarts (not carrying about classes, students or homework assignments) and set off towards none other than Hagrid's Hut.
Next Chapter:
To the Batmobile! The dog-loving adventurers are on their way to certain danger and trouble…but, hell! They'll manage! Who is this new undercover member? Where is Lupin exactly, and what is keeping him there? Is the B.A.R.F. headquarters as sanitary as it first appears? Find out these things and more in the next chapter of Killing Mrs. Norris: Fire Hydrants, Torture and What Not to Wear.