Author's note: I saw the movie yesterday, and I absolutely fell in love with it. I particularly enjoyed Meryl Streep's performance; no one could have done it better. So, I decided to write about Aunt Josephine, and what she was thinking from when she first saw Count Olaf disguised as Captain Sham to when she was forced to write her will. I have taken bits from the movie and the book, as well as made up a few of my own. This is Josephine's story.
Disclaimer: All characters are copyright to Lemony Snicket.
When I first saw him, I felt that Ike was still alive. It was quite frightening, walking down the heated foods aisle to catch up with Violet, but there was something in his eyes, a certain liveliness, that made me less afraid.
"Hello," he said. "I was just apologizing for running into your sister here."
I could feel my face turn red.
"Oh, no," I said, and explained to him that I was Violet's legal guardian. He seemed completely shocked.
"Madam, you don't look nearly old enough to be someone's guardian."
I turned even redder. People have often told me how young I looked for my age, and I always held Lake Lachrymose responsible.
I heard Klaus and Sunny walking down the aisle behind me. I turned and smiled at them.
"Allow me to introduce myself," I heard the man say, and I turned back around and looked into his eyes. They were the same color as Ike's.
"Klaus and I are happy to introduce you," Violet interrupted. It wasn't her interrupting this handsome new man that irked me more than her grammatical error.
"No, Violet! It's 'Klaus and I will be happy to introduce you.' We haven't met yet."
Violet sighed.
"I am Captain Sham," the man said, kissing my hand. "And you are?"
"I am Josephine Anwhistle," I said. "And these are Violet, Klaus, and Sunny."
Klaus said something to me in a low whisper, but I was much too enamored with Captain Sham to hear what he said. Captain Sham winked at me, making me turn, if possible, even redder. I looked down to see how large his feet were, and noticed he only had one.
"Oh dear!" I cried. "What happened..?"
"I had a terrible run in with the Lachrymose leeches. Damn buggers."
"Oh, you poor man," I replied, trying to ignore his use of bad language in front of the children, Sunny in particular. "How did it happen?"
He explained to us how he was eating in his boat and didn't wait an hour after he ate before he went swimming.
"That's how my husband died," I said, taking out my handkerchief and dabbing my eyes. I felt that Captain Sham was a re-incarnate of my dear Ike.
"Would you like to eat dinner with us tonight, Captain Sham?" I asked. The children shook their heads, but I flashed one of my looks at them and they stopped.
"Madam, I would love to."
I clapped my hands together. "Fantastic! The children are making a wonderful Puttanesca sauce tonight."
"The very same thing I was eating when the leeches got my leg!" He exclaimed.
"Oh dear..!Children, could you finish grocery shopping while I take Captain Sham home to calm him down?" He had begun wailing on my shoulder. The children reluctantly agreed.
Captain Sham stopped crying when we reached the outskirts of town.
"So, you were married before?" He asked me.
I nodded. "Yes. My dear Ike, I miss him so much." I took my handkerchief out and dabbed at my eyes again. "And what about you, Captain Sham? Have you ever been married?"
"Ah, no. I never really met the right woman for me."
"Oh. How very sad," I replied. "I loved being married. I never felt lonely, because I knew that someone was always there for me."
"Would you remarry if you could?" He asked me.
"Oh, goodness no. I'm sure there will be other suitors, other lovers, but Ike was- and is- the only one for me. I remember when we first made lo-" I covered my mouth. How could I have let that slip out? I could feel my face turning red. He looked interested.
"Do you? How exciting. I am saving myself for when I get married."
"How admirable of you," I squeaked.
"Ah, but I'm sure you did the same, madam." He winked at me.
"Actually, I was quite frisky when I was younger. Ike and I were still dating, and we had such a romantic dinner on the beach. The stars were out, there was a full moon, oh, it was so wonderful."
I kicked a pebble off the road and watched it land in a puddle. " I remember sneaking into my house because there was sand all over the back of my dress." I took in a deep breath of the salty lake air. It was the exact same smell as that wonderful night. "Oh, how I wish I could have adventures like that back in my life. But, since Ike died, I've become a complete wallflower. I might as well buy a dozen cats and complete the stereotype."
Captain Sham put his arm around my waist and tucked a strand of my hair back in place. "Madam, I would love to put some excitement back in your life."
I looked at him, then giggled girlishly. "I'm sure you can find better women than me."
"But you are the one I want."
I giggled even more. I saw my house up the hill.
"Ah! This is my house." We reached the front door, and I pushed on the wood of it and led Captain Sham inside.
"Please, make yourself comfort-"
I felt two cold, bony hands on my wrists. A harsh and crackly voice whispered in my ear.
"Do what I tell you, or you'll be joining your beloved Ike."
I froze.
"I want you to write your will, and in it, you will leave all your belongings, as well as those damned orphans, to Captain Sham."
"Olaf," I whispered. A sharp pain flew across my face, and I found myself on the floor. He threw a leaf of paper and a pen down next to me.
"Write it. I will go to the police station announcing your death. If you are not out of town by the time I get back here, I'll make sure you really are dead. Now!"
I began writing. I amazed myself at how quickly I had come up with a plan in my head. I would hide in Curdled cave. I hid my location in my will through grammar mistakes, which completely shook me. I handed the paper to Olaf when I was done. I couldn't believe my stupidity, thinking that any man would be enamored of me. I felt a tear run down my face, and dropped off onto the hardwood floor. I felt a pain across my face again.
"Stop crying, for the love of God!" He pointed to the door. "I'm giving you a head start. Get out."
And I ran.