Goku's Secret Weapon

By: YunCynImaginator

Imaginator: *raises eyebrow* This will never work in real life, you know.

YunCyn: Does ANYTHING the Sanzo-ikkou do work in real life?

Imaginator: .... good point.

YunCyn: Exactly. Besides, if you wanna blame someone, blame the plot bunnies and the muses.

Imaginator: Who can blame cute bunnies and cute guys?

Readers: *gasps* Your muses are GUYS?!

YunCyn: *slaps forehead* The secret is OUT!

Imaginator: Uh, ahaha... uh... goreadthestoryandpleasereview!BYE!

Muses: *sweatdrop as they watch YunCyn and Imaginator run off like frightened jack rabbits*

Disclaimer: We took the Sanzo-ikkou out on loan and up till today haven't returned them. Nor do we plan to. *evil grin*

"This is FanFic Writer Police Squad! Come out fully with the anime characters in full sight and your hands behind your back! We have the place surrounded!"

We've been caught!!! *authors zoom off screaming they never owned Saiyuki and never will*

~*~*~*~*~*~

The Sanzo-ikkou had stopped to make camp.

They'd made dinner with some supplies from the last town, a bento box that a kindly townsperson had given them in thanks for saving his young son from ravenous youkai and a rabbit that Gojyo and Hakkai had caught.

The two idiots had argued over the last fried dumpling by the bonfire.

The monk's forehead had throbbed as he growled a warning to shut up.

The two idiots ignored said warning and managed to do a little fencing match with their chopsticks.

The driver kindly reminded that flying chopsticks could poke an eye out.

The monk muttered about letting them go blind. If the bakas couldn't see each other, they couldn't argue.

The two idiots completely ignored their other companions and continued dueling with their utensils.

Their voices grew louder.

The argument was settled abruptly by two hard thwacks on the two idiots' head.

And the whole thing ended with the dragon gulping down the fried dumpling.

"…HAKURYU!!!"

Hakkai sweat dropped. "That's one way to settle an argument…"

Sanzo glanced at the dragon who burped contentedly. He snorted. "Finally, some peace and quiet."

Goku wailed, Gojyo berated…

Sanzo thwacked again.

Peace returned to the forest.

But it didn't return to Son Goku's mind. No, in fact, his little saru brain (which rather ached after the amount of abuse it had suffered) was working quite steadily.

Well, it also was working rather slowly thanks to distractions of food, but nevertheless, the gears were rolling shifting as all of them settled down for the night.

An idea managed to take hold after several hours of agitated tossing and turning. And after Sanzo sat up, flung the harisen at him and yelled for Goku to go and sleep before Sanzo took the shourejyu and put him to sleep permanently.

In the middle of the night, Goku grinned, his teeth glinting in the moonlight.

~*~

"KONO ERO GOKIBURI BAKAYARO KAPPA!!!"

"What kinda insult is that?! You're just stringing things together!!"

"I am not!! And that was a perfectly good insult, kono LOLICON KAPPA!!"

"NOW TAKE THAT BACK, monkey boy!! I never snatched any baby from ANY cradle!!"

"HAH! That's a lie and YOU know it!!"

"Oh, that's it!! YOU'RE GOIN DOWN!!!"

"TRY IT AND SEE!!! I'LL HAVE YOUR BUTT KICKED!!!"

"GRRRRRR…YOU TWO IDI-"

SCRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!

BLANG!!!

"WAAAAAAAARGH!!!"

WHAM!!

"Sanzo? Daijoubu ka?"

*Splut! Splutter! Spit!* Sanzo looked up from his meal of dirt and glared dangerously at Hakkai. "Does this look alright to you?"

"Ahahaha…youkais."

"Good!" Gojyo jumped out of Jeep followed by Goku. "A workout!"

Sanzo got to his feet and spit out some grit. I've been flung out of the bloody jeep, I have a bloody headache and these bloody youkai want my flesh?

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

"Not bloody likely." Grated Sanzo, his eyes narrowed.

Hakkai sweat dropped. Sanzo's temper was a force to be reckoned with and then some. "Poor unfortunate souls…" And with that, he sent ki balls flying.

Goku grinned. Now was the perfect opportunity to try out his new idea.

He held out his hand to call out for his trusty Nyoibou.

Or so Gojyo, Hakkai and Sanzo thought.

"NYOOOOOOOI…

"CHOPSTICKS!!!!!!"

Gojyo, in the middle of slicing a youkai, face faulted with a crash.

Hakkai mis-aimed once he heard it, putting the youkai he was aiming for into catatonic shock since the ki ball missed him by only an inch.

Sanzo on the other hand…

"WHAT?!!!"

The monk whirled around, casually putting another youkai out of commission, to see what act of idiocy the saru had committed now.

True enough, in Goku's hands were two sticks of wood. Two puny looking pieces of wood that was supposed to be used for picking up food…

POKE!! POKE!!

A youkai with blood streaming out of its eye sockets ran screaming in agony and promptly dissolved into molecules.

Was poking youkai eyes out.

Hakkai sweat dropped. "Goku, when I said flying chopsticks could put an eye out…" a youkai that had tried to take the so-called opportunity to attack a so-called distracted Hakkai dropped not-so-called-but-VERY-dead as a ki ball went flying into him. "I didn't mean for you to take it so literally…"

Gojyo hopped onto his feet kicking a youkai in the chin and slicing him, strode over to Goku and tweaked him by the ear.

"YOU IDIOT!! That pair of puny TOOTHPICKS are NOT going to help us so throw them away and use the NYOIBOU!!!"

Gojyo released his grip. Goku winced as his ear throbbed.

"But, it worked…!!!" he whined. "And it's more efficient than the Nyoibou!!"

"Well, it's not GOOD for our image, bakasaru!! What would people think!? One of the infamous Sanzo-ikkou using CHOPSTICKS!!?"

Hakkai sweat dropped. "Gojyo, we're not aiming to be infamous…"

"That's not the point!" snapped Gojyo.

"I don't care! The chopsticks are easier to handle so I'm sticking WITH THEM!! And you can't stop me, lolicon kappa!"

"I CAN and I WILL, bakasaru!! Gimme those chopsticks!!!"

"NO!! NEVER!!!"

And from a fighting youkai fracas, it turned into a Goku and Gojyo wrestling for the chopsticks match.

The youkais sweat dropped.

Sanzo glanced at them (the youkais, not the wrestling Youkais Example of The Village Idiots), feeling a headache coming on. There was no point in adding to his pain by dealing with more mindless morons. "Get your useless butts out of here."

"Hah! Like we will, Sanzo! We-"

CLICK.

"It isn't every day I do this to lowlifes like you so I suggest you leave. NOW."

"Are you threatening me?! Because threats-"

BLAM!


"Anyone ELSE?"

The youkais, not being of the most intelligent creatures on Togenkyo snarled and stood their ground.

Sanzo glared.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hakkai looked around, the sounds of Goku and Gojyo still wrestling for the chopsticks in the background. The ground was smoking from the bullets that had punctured youkais. It was a new record, noted Hakkai. 21 youkais in 18 seconds.

He turned to Sanzo who was keeping his gun back in his robes. "Sanzo…that-"

"Was necessary since the three of you were busy." Said Sanzo pointedly.

"Ahaha… I was going to say that it beat your last record but…"

"Are those two still at it?" Asked the monk. A second after the question was out of his mouth, Sanzo realized what a stupid question that was. However, he wasn't about to admit it had been rather obvious.

Hakkai sweat dropped yet again. "Well… you know children… once they start fighting, it's rather hard to get them to stop…"

Sanzo's forehead seemed to have grown a pulse at the rate it palpitated. "Watch me."

The monk strode over to the wrestlers.

::WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!::

"QUIT YOUR BELLYACHING, GET BACK IN THE JEEP AND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, KILL YOUKAI WHEN THEY ARRIVE, DAMMIT!!"

Like docile school children, the two grumbled under their breaths and marched back to a waiting Hakuryu.

Hakkai couldn't help but sweat drop again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As to be expected, Goku stubbornly held onto his chopstick attacks for quite a while. Rolling on their backs laughing either distracted his enemies or they just snorted and raised their eyebrow in disbelief.

Either way, anything Goku fought went blind.

Sanzo contemplated the pros and cons of this.

The pro: Their adversaries never expected chopsticks.

The con: It was EMBARRASSING.

The pro: It was quiet and efficient, not to mention dangerous to a point.

The con: It was EMBARRASSING.

The pro: Goku called on it the same way he used to call his Nyoibou so it didn't disrupt their usual posing before charging headlong into a horde of murderous youkai.

The con: It was EMBARRASSING.

"…"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

BLANG!!

"Hakkai, is it just me or do we literally run into youkai everywhere we go?" asked Gojyo dryly.

Hakkai smiled placidly. "It's just you."

"Figures." He glanced disgustedly at Goku. "Come on chopstick monkey."

"I am NOT A CHOPSTICK MONKEY!!"

"I call em' like I see em'!"

Gojyo jumped into action, Hakkai concentrated to make ki balls materialize, Sanzo pulled out his Smith & Wessons…

Goku held out his hands for his chopsticks.

"CHOPSTIIIIICKS!!"

The chopsticks obligingly appeared in his hands.

"Prepare to DI… WHAT THE?!"

Goku stared at his hands.

That held FOUR pieces of splintered, broken wooden sticks.

Each of the chopsticks had mysteriously snapped into two.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Hakkai and Gojyo sweat dropped alongside their enemies. Goku sobbed.

"NOT MY CHOPSTICKS!! HOW?! WHEN!? WHY!? WHERE!? WHY MY CHOPSTICKS?!"

Sanzo continued shooting the distracted youkai as he called out,

"DAMMIT, SARU! QUIT CRYING AND FIGHT!!!"

"But-!"

"OR-" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

"NO DINNER FOR THE NEXT WEEK!!"

"...Okay."

"NYOIBOU!!"

Hakkai and Gojyo respectively sweat dropped.

And with that, normality resumed. (If you can call these four normal)

~*~*~*~*~*~

A dark green jeep rumbled along a dirt path, it's direction Westwards. You'd think after fighting off hundreds of hungry, stark mad youkais intent on relieving them of life, they'd be appreciating each other's help in keeping each other alive and thanking the powers that be for giving them another day to continue breathing.

You'd have a better chance at getting a giraffe, an elephant and a lion to form a pop group and sing "Hit Me Baby One More Time."

Sanzo was trying to doze off. The others who weren't as grumpy or as anti social stayed up.

Hakkai mused about the day's events as he drove steadily on. "I wonder how your chopsticks broke, Goku…"

Goku sniffed rather pathetically. "They were the best weapons I had. Besides the Nyoibou but…"

Gojyo shrugged. "Look, they just snapped. Don't question it and be grateful."

Hakkai nodded. Goku started to nod too then stopped short.

"Heeeeey…whaddhaya mean "be grateful"!? You're HAPPY my chopsticks snapped?!"

"Who wouldn't be? It was humiliating."

"GRRR… you'll pay for that, ero kappa!!"

"Pay? With what? My good looks? That is good payment though…"

"LIKE HECK IT IS!"

"You picking a fight, bakasaru?!"

"SO WHAT if I am, you dumb cockroach!?"

"Then, you're gonna get one! Get ready to eat dirt, monkey boy!"

"BRING IT-"

::WHACK! WHACK!::

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU FREAKS!! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!"

"Itei…"

"Stupid monkey, it's all your fault my head aches…"

"Was not!"

Sanzo sighed, decided the effort to sleep was taking more work than staying awake, sat up.

"Goku."

Goku looked up. "Hai?"

"Next time you have an idea like the chopsticks..."

Hakkai and Gojyo glanced at Sanzo who returned a rare knowing glance at the other two. They (even Hakkai who was driving) turned to look at Goku. In unison, they gave some very good advice.

"STOP THINKING."

Goku pouted as Sanzo turned away and Hakkai resumed looking at where they were heading. "I STILL wanna know what happened to my chopsticks…"

Gojyo lit a cigarette and rolled his eyes. "Stuff it, Goku. Only kami knows what happened to your chopsticks."

With his face safely turned away from the others' view, Sanzo smirked.

The End.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Imaginator: Waaaait a minute... since when is it a crime to have GUYS as muses?

YunCyn: *screeches to a halt* Hey, yeah...

Muse #1: You wanted to keep us mysterious, I believe.

Muse #2: And anonymous and only known as Muses. That's quite unfair.

Muse #1: *sniff!* After all the abuse we suffer...!

Muse #2: *sob!* The emotional torment....!

Muse #1: *crying on Muse #2's shoulder* The inhumane punishments they dish out when we can't come up with any more ideas for their sick twisted minds...!

Muses: *bursts into helpless tears* And we can't do anything about it!! WAAAAAAH!!!

YunCynImaginator: *glare* Shaddup!

Note: To all those who know and are fans of the anime Ayashi no Ceres, this was written before we found out Aogiri Yuuhi fights with chopsticks.

Of course, he just knocks people out on their pressure points with them and not poke them in the eyes but...

Chopsticks?

...never mind...