Chapter Thirteen – Difficult Decisions

Jesse heard the voice of a child and turned, pulling his hands away from Susan's as he did so. His heart fell to his feet as he saw Rae rush from the restaurant, taking his two daughters, who had no idea what was happening, with her.

"Momma, Momma, Daddy is there." Eliana's voice travelled back towards him, and he stood up not really knowing what he was going to do, but having to at least move.

"Daddy? Jesse who is that?" Susan stood up as well and moved in front of Jesse. She had recognised the woman as the one who had called out in the hospital and then run from the building; it was obviously something she made a habit of.

"That's Rae, she's my wife, and they were my two children."

"You're married?" Susan couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Well, it can't be that happy if you didn't think to even tell me about it!"

Jesse sat back down, what she said was true, and he nodded. "No, we aren't happy, but … and my little girls … but it's been …" Jesse stopped talking, he didn't want to talk about it, Susan didn't know, and he needed it to stay that way.

Nadine came over towards the table and put down their order; she then turned and retreated without a word, not knowing what to do, feeling so sorry for Rae, angry with Jesse and whoever it was with him, and wishing she could just throw her apron on the counter and go home.

Rae had stopped at the first Macdonald's she'd seen, and much to Eliana's delight had bought the happy meal the child was now eating in the back seat of the car. Anneya just had the little toy and would have her meal heated up when they got home. The car was silent; Rae had asked Eliana if she was ok, she had said "yes, Mommy" and that had been the end of the conversation. Somehow her daughter knew that now was not the time to babble.

The house was quiet and it seemed bigger than usual. Rae locked the doors behind her and made her way into the breakfast room. She put the happy meal box down on the table and moved across to the sideboard to get Anneya a plate. When she turned back her daughter was happily munching cold fries and strangling her burger, so she let her just get on with it.

The scene of Jesse holding hands with Susan rose up in her mind again. Her husband wouldn't even let her touch him, but now she had seen him kissing another woman as well as what had happened tonight. For a moment all Rae could think of was hiding in the house until Monday and then deciding what to do next. How could Jesse do this to her, to their children? For the first time in as long as she could remember she had a caseload which contained nothing that she needed to bring home as baggage. Their girls were getting to an age where they could go out and do wonderful things together, they didn't have to get up every night to sooth a fractious child and Jesse wasn't here. He wanted to be with someone else rather than her. She wasn't sure how to deal with that.

. . . . . . . . . . .

Matthew stood on the sidewalk outside of the small restaurant that he occasionally frequented. He needed to get a drink so he could take a couple of aspirin, and get on with his evening. It was seven thirty and he was on the wrong side of town, but he wasn't sure if he could even make it unless he got rid of the throbbing in his head. With a sigh he moved across and in through the door to the busy, popular meeting place and looked around. As he did so he felt the unmistakable feeling of Dominic coming to meet him and he shuddered.

The restaurant wasn't the type he usually ate in, it was small, and it was light. But he looked around, and the radar that seemed to accompany him when he was out began to kick in. Dominic had never been able to explain it, but sometimes it was as if he was looking through a haze, he would see everything that was going on, what everyone was doing, but then one person would become his, he would latch on to what she was doing, saying, and he would know that she was the one.

Now as he moved across to the counter to see if he could get himself a drink Dominic looked at the occupants of the tables. There was a dark haired couple, obviously waiting for their order, they had a beer each and were laughing and joking together. Two tables further down was a family of five, their table was stacked with food, set out in the middle so that they could all dive in and take what they wanted. Two tables at the back of the restaurant were vacant but had reserved notices on them, and just in front there was a table for four, although it had just two people using it. Their food was in front of them, but it was untouched and the conversation seemed deep and Dominic was sure that neither of them was aware of anyone else around them. The girl was pretty, she wavered a little in his vision, but she was taken, and he didn't do that, it was wrong to take.

"Can I help you?" A voice cut across his thoughts, a male voice, and he turned to see a young man, blonde, mid twenties smiling at him.

"Uh, yeah, do you sell just drinks? I have a real bad headache and I want to take some pills."

"No, not really, but I can get you a glass of water if you would like."

Dominic nodded his head, wished he hadn't, as it just increased the throbbing, and spoke instead. "Thanks, man, that would be great." He watched the waiter walk away from him, and decided that he was obviously a surfer dude, a real airhead. It was then that the clouds cleared, suddenly in his line of vision there she was, and he knew that the headache was fate, he was never meant to cross town, here, right here, was the one.

"There you go, it's on the house." Once again the male voice cut across him and he jumped.

"Thanks, but maybe I should have something to eat too. That would help with a headache, right?"

"Yeah, it might, we have a table over there, you go right ahead and I'll send a waitress across to you."

Dominic smiled and moved in the direction he was sent. Waitress, the surfer dude had said waitress, so if he was lucky, and he usually was, then his goddess would serve him, and he could make his plans accordingly.

. . . . . . . . . .

The Saturday morning dawned fine and bright, and Rae, needing to clear her head after a night full of dreams of Jesse, just out of her reach, either desperately wanting help and her being unable to give it, or him rejecting her and leaving her desolate, made her way down the stairs and through the house. Rae stood in the doorway of the playroom and looked out at her garden. The lawn was cut every week by Texas's gardener, but she had told her friend that she would like to do some of it herself. Now she was regretting that decision, but she knew that the Sloans' had their hands full right now with Steve still recovering from his injuries and she didn't want to trouble them with trivialities.

The flowerbeds closest to the house were empty and Rae thought it would be nice to go and get some winter plants or bulbs and make them look pretty. The girls could help her and they would be able to spend a nice day together. The plans made, she went back into the house as another idea formed in her mind. She picked up the phone, dialled a familiar number and invited her friend to go shopping with her.

"Rae, the girls are next door, we have been ready for ten minutes, what are you doin'?" Jo looked at her best friend as she fished about in the pockets of her coat, and then began pulling things out of them.

"I use it for work, I don't want to take all of this with me, and I need to leave a message for Jesse … Just in case he wants to come home." Rae opened the drawer to the hall table and dropped a pair of handcuffs and some latex gloves into it. It wasn't used very often and only contained a bus timetable and two sticks of gum.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinkin', you just take your time an' leave as many messages as you want." Jo felt furious with herself, she knew that Rae must be struggling at the moment, what with her husband in the hospital, her partner just home and she was worried about the time she was taking to get ready to go out.

Rae smiled at her friend, and then moved over with the intention of just giving her a little hug, but there was something in the way that Texas looked at her, the way she took her into her arms and held her tight that was the undoing of her. "Oh, God, Texas, help me, everything is so hard."

"Rae?" There were no tears, but Jo wasn't surprised, she knew how much Rae hated to cry, but she was shaking, and so, carefully, she moved her into the lounge and sat her down on the sofa. "Honey, what's wrong? Is it Jesse, has he done somethin' else, or the girls, they seemed alright when they went with Steve an' Daniel?"

"I … I think my marriage is over." Rae looked away from the love she saw in the eyes of her friend, right now it was almost impossible to accept. Instead she looked up at the picture on the wall across from her. It was, to her at any rate, just a landscape, but Jo had told her one afternoon that it was worth about $50,000 and Rae had been frightened to dust it after that.

"What do you mean? You an' Jesse, but … but you love each other … Rae, I don't know what to say." Jo just stopped talking; she would never have anticipated her friend's words.

"I saw him … when I got home from Santa Barbara … the night that he attacked Steve and me … at the hospital, kissing another woman, and then yesterday evening, I picked up the girls … I knew he'd been released from the hospital, I called in at Bob's to get some dinner … he was with her again … he was holding her hands. Texas, he won't let me near him, but he could kiss her and touch her, and … and I think I've lost him … I don't know what I've done wrong … but … but he's gone." This time the tears did come, and as Jo held out her arms Rae leant into them and cried on her shoulder until there were no more tears left, and she could feel the dampness on her own back as her friend cried with her.

. . . . . . . . . .

Mark was sitting happily in the sunshine, the wind slightly catching his hair as he read the Saturday paper on the deck of his home. Kira was playing with a small beanbag that she had been given the day before. Mark had been turning out one of his magic boxes and it had fallen on the carpet. The cat had instantly pounced on it, and he hadn't had the heart to take it back from her. Now it was skittering across the wooden floor of the deck and Kira was jumping and bouncing after it.

Alex had driven off to the hospital just after eight. He had worked a shift at Bob's the night before, going in earlier than he had planned because Mark had been on duty and he would get dinner for free. The house had the friendly silence of somewhere well loved which had a chance to sit happily and contentedly for a while, and Mark finished reading an article on a new application for thalidomide tablets, and then began to carefully clip it from the paper to put in his research folders. As he made the final cut he heard the door bell ring and was ashamed as his heart fell.

The journey to the front door didn't take long, but in the time he took to get there Mark had resigned himself to a less peaceful day, and also accepted it. He very rarely got much time to himself, and he supposed that the two hours he'd had that morning was his quota for now.

"Jesse, what are you doing here?" Mark had no idea who he thought was going to be at the door, but he was more than a little surprised to see his young friend standing in front of him.

"I … I wondered whether I could come in, just for a while." Jesse looked around in an uncertain manner, and immediately Mark recovered himself.

"Of course, come in, come in." Mark guided him gently over to the sofa and watched as he seemed to collapse into it. "Jesse, what's wrong?"

"I just need a place to stay for a coupla days, I have to go see Rae, but I can't stay, but here, I could stay here, couldn't I?" Jesse was horrified to hear a tremor in his voice and he stopped talking instantly.

"Yes, of course, you know that, but why, Jess, why can't you go home?"

"I can't talk about it, Mark, I'm sorry." Jesse turned away from the kind eyes of his friend, not knowing what to say or do to explain what had happened to him.

Mark knew better than to probe and so he forced a smile as he spoke. "No problem. Do you want to stay in here, or are you tired? I can make up the guest room for you. Alex lives in Steve's apartment now, so I have free rooms."

"I … I don't know, Mark, I don't really know what I want to do, I'm tired, if I sleep I dream, but I don't know what to do instead. I'm scared, almost as scared as …" Jesse stopped talking.

"As scared as what, Jesse?" Mark was instantly on alert as he saw his friend begin to shut down.

"Nothing, Mark, it's nothing, maybe I'll rest for a while and then go for a walk along the sand, if you don't mind." Jesse stood up and moved, a little uncertainly, towards the bedroom.

"Of course I don't mind, but if you want to talk, you know I'll listen don't you?"

Jesse just smiled and carried on walking, as he got to the top of the stairs he turned and smiled, and for a moment was the Jesse Mark usually saw. "Thanks, Mark; I knew I could rely on you."

. . . . . . . . . .

Steve and Daniel knew that their day with Eliana and Anneya would be busy and enjoyable. Daniel had offered to stay home and do whatever his dad wanted him to, and Steve knew that it wasn't only the need to earn money for his trip, the boy genuinely loved the two little girls, and as he watched his son, Steve felt the love he had for all of them sit happily inside him and he could think of no place he would rather be.

Jo had called him on his cell phone about an hour after he had left her with Rae and Steve had been surprised to hear that they were still home.

"Sloan, here… Hey, Honey, where are you …? Oh, no that's not a problem, I figured you would be gone most of the day anyway … Jo, tell her how sorry I am and I'll see her soon… yeah, I love you too, bye." Steve shook his head as he closed down his phone, and for a minute or two the pleasure of the morning disappeared and he watched his goddaughter and her sister as they played on the lawn in front of him, so special, so innocent, and he shrugged the feeling as far away from him as he could and made his way over to join them.

. . . . . . . . . .

Mark had watched the empty doorway for a while after Jesse had left the room not knowing what else to do. Finally he had walked quietly down the hallway and peeked round the door, Jesse was lying on the bed, his eyes closed and Mark thought that he was already fast asleep. Remembering what he had said about dreams Mark resolved to spend the morning within easy reach of his young friend, and so he fetched his briefcase from his own bedroom and decided that he would use the next hour or so to catch up on paperwork.

Mark didn't know what demons Jesse was fighting, but he knew for certain that he had things crowding his mind that he couldn't deal with alone. He also knew that Jesse had yet to find the person he could trust to discuss them with and, until he did that, none of them would have a chance of getting the old Jesse back. The telephone conversation that he'd had with Doctor Lauren Yung the previous day had caused Mark to both hope and despair, almost in equal measure.

He wanted Jesse back at work, he was the best doctor on his team and there was no doubt in his mind that the ER worked far better when Doctor Travis was on duty. He was delighted that Jesse wanted to come back and was optimistic that it meant some parts of his life were as he wanted them to be, but the fact that Lauren felt that paperwork was as far as it should be allowed to go right now made him very concerned for his young friend.

Mark wanted to speak with Jesse, to know why he had done what he did to Steve, but he knew that however much his need ached to be fulfilled there were others who were suffering more than he was, and they had to be the ones to speak with Jesse first. With a sigh Mark ignored his paperwork and returned his attention to his newspaper, he always used to wish he got the entire thing to himself when Steve was home, but now sometimes he missed the fact that he no longer had to search the house for the sports pages.

. . . . . . . . . .

Jesse had woken up suddenly, not sure at first where he was, once he had got his bearings again he had been unable to keep still, and knew he needed to get out of the house for a while. After speaking with Mark for a few minutes he went down the deck steps and walked along the beach until he knew that he was far enough away that Mark could see him, but not close enough that he felt his eyes on him the entire time. He needed time to try and evaluate the way he felt about things, and somehow, much as Steve did, he felt at peace on the sand. Steve. There was a major problem right away; he was his best friend, the man he had always been able to turn to in a crisis, and since he had known Rae there had been plenty of them! Now though the very thought of him turned his hands cold and clammy, made his breath become laboured and he knew that if he was to turn and find him standing beside him now he would have a full blown panic attack. What he didn't know was why.

The evening that he had lashed out and stabbed Steve was still a blur in his mind. He knew what he had done, and he knew that the memories he had were substantially correct, but the fear had been so overwhelming, so total, that he couldn't bring himself to try to analyse why he had reacted that way.

He thought for a moment about his two girls, he loved them more than any other living souls on the planet, and they had, between them, made his life almost totally complete. He missed them terribly, but being with them was too hard, maybe he could bring them back to the beach house for a couple of days, that way they could spend some time together, and he knew that he wouldn't be afraid.

Jesse checked his watch, it had been almost an hour since he had begun his walk, and he knew that Mark would get concerned if he didn't go back soon. He still hadn't faced his main problem, and that was Rae. Jesse knew that he had to go see her, at least try and face her, but every time he even thought about her his whole world became so dark, so complicated that he had to push the thoughts away and think about someone else, someone like Susan.

He smiled; Susan had come back into his life at just the right time. He needed someone who had been gone, someone who didn't know … for a second he stopped, he kept thinking this about Susan; he needed her because she didn't know. She'd had no idea who Rae was, he could be his old self with her because she had never seen his new self … again, he was thinking it again, she didn't know, but he didn't know either, couldn't work out what it was, there was something there, something that was stopping him from getting his life back to normal, and he had to find out what it was, or at least he had to try.

For a minute Jesse looked up at the sky and watched the seagulls as they swooped and circled above him. There seemed to be no logic to their movements, but he knew that they were watching, watching and waiting, and when they saw their prey they would swoop some more and pounce. He had been prey, they had left him and he had been taken, no one understood that, no one, but he had managed, gradually he had gotten himself together, and then … then when he felt strong, felt able to talk about it, it had happened again. He should have known, they'd said no one would believe him, they would say they did, would say they understood, but in the end he was alone, he'd been alone then, and he was alone now. It had all been fine until he had told, he should never have told, maybe if he didn't tell now, things would get back to how they used to be, and no one would need to know what had happened.

Jesse shook himself and stood up. He made an instant decision, took his phone out of his pocket and called his wife. He would speak with her, make her understand, that it was best for him this way, that maybe it would be best for her this way too. He speed dialled the number and waited.

. . . . . . . . . .

Rae had fallen asleep after she and Jo had eaten a sandwich together for lunch and she had still been that way mid afternoon when the phone in the hallway rang and Jo moved quickly to answer it so that it didn't disturb her.

"This is the Travis residence… Jesse?" Jo looked around and was relieved to see that the house was still quiet. "Jesse, where are you…? Oh, ok … no she's nappin' right now … about an hour or so, I'll tell her, an' Jesse, she loves you, she just wants to help, you do know that, don't you … well, we all will if we can… Yeah, bye now." Jo put the phone down and turned round; she nearly jumped out of her skin when Rae was standing right behind her. "Oh my, don't do that!"

"Was that Jesse?" Rae's hair was messy and sticking up from sleeping on the sofa, and her eyes were still red from the tears she had shed.

"It was, he said that he wanted to see you an' he would be over in an hour or so."

Rae's face lit up in bright smile, "Thank you, if we can just talk, we can work it out, I know we can."

Jo wasn't so sure; Jesse's voice had been devoid of emotion, not the normal friendly cheerful tones that she associated with the husband of her best friend, and the man she knew had saved her life. Not wanting to disillusion Rae though, Jo just nodded. "Do you want me to keep the girls so that you can talk?"

"No, no, thank you, I'll come get them in a while, he has seen too little of them lately, and they miss him so much. I could make a nice dinner, have a bath, I must look a total wreck, Texas, can we go shopping another day?"

"Honey, of course we can, you just do whatever it is you need to do an' I'll go back home an' rescue my husband from your two darlin' girls, an' maybe get to spend some time with them myself." Jo leant over and kissed Rae gently on the cheek. "Anytime, Rae, you know that, don't you?"

Rae just nodded as her friend turned and walked through the front door. For a moment she stood and watched as she crossed the lawn in front of the house, and then, her mind already working out what she would cook, Rae went into the kitchen.

. . . . . . . . . .

The market place was crowded, he had thought that waiting until the afternoon would have meant that he could get things easier, that he wouldn't have to hang around, but maybe he was wrong.

Matthew looked at his list, there weren't many things on it, and it wouldn't take very long to buy it all and get back home. There was dry cleaning to pick up as well, the Armani suit, and two white shirts, he mustn't forget that. The date tonight was important, he knew that Dominic would want to look his best, would want to make a good impression. For someone so laid back, so smart he sure had bad luck with women, they all seemed to leave him, go out with him once and then drop him. For a minute Matthew smiled, maybe Dominic wasn't that much better than he was after all. With that pleasant thought still in his head Matthew made his way to the florist and picked out the most perfect pair of red roses he could find.

. . . . . . . . . .

Rae had prepared the meal so that when Jesse got home she wouldn't have to leave him alone. She could stay in the room while he spent some time with his daughters, and then they could all eat together. The girls would go to bed, and maybe, just maybe, they could enjoy each other's company, and she could pretend that their problems were on the wane. Lauren had said that he was ready to come home, and even though Rae knew that Jesse would still be seeing his therapist every week that didn't matter to her, if Jesse was there then they were taking the first steps, and together they could accomplish anything. Jesse hadn't given an exact time when he would arrive and so now she sat in the playroom with her girls, listening to every car, hoping against hope that it would be his.

She heard the key in the lock at the same time as Eliana and the three of them made their way out into the hallway, Anneya following along in her sister's wake, cooing and laughing as she saw her father.

"Daddy, Daddy, I love you!" Eliana flung herself at Jesse's knees, just as she had always done, and even though his smile was a little forced he crouched down and took her into his arms.

"Hey, Sweetie, I love you too." He moved one of his arms and Anneya began to hug him as well, and Rae, standing back so that she didn't crowd him, watched the scene with a feeling of great contentment.

Jesse had been surprised that Rae had cooked, the meal had been lasagna and everybody had cleared their plates, although Anneya seemed to get most of hers over her bib and the table cloth. Jesse hadn't eaten since the hasty breakfast he had grabbed after he had left the motel he'd spent the night in, and hadn't realised that he had been hungry until he started to eat and he had been glad that Rae had been so organised.

"Rae, that was a lovely meal, thank you." Jesse smiled, and although it didn't reach his eyes, he was telling the truth, he had enjoyed the food, and he wanted her to know.

They played with the girls for a while and then Rae took them upstairs to have a bath. She could see that Jesse was feeling tired, and so she suggested that she put them to bed with a story, and he could do it the next night. He nodded his agreement, and with a happy smile Rae climbed the stairs, looking forward to coming back down in about an hour to spend a little time with him. Maybe she had been wrong, maybe Jesse did want to be with her, with his family.

By the time baths had been had, hair washed and dried, stories told and prayers said, it was almost an hour and a half before Rae climbed back down the stairs and headed for the breakfast room. To her surprise Jesse wasn't in there and so she returned to the hallway and was just about to go into the kitchen when she saw two suitcases by the entranceway.

"Jesse?" Rae called his name and then saw him coming down the stairs with another of his bags as the realisation of what he was doing hit her. "Jess, where are you going?"

Jesse jumped, he had wanted to be finished before she came back downstairs, but it had taken him longer than he'd thought. With a heavy heart he placed the case with the others, walked across the hallway, past his wife and on into the breakfast room, where he sat on the sofa and waited.

Rae watched her husband and then followed him into her favourite room in the house. The baby listener was plugged in and switched on and she could hear her two daughters chattering away to themselves in the background. Pushing the sounds away she sat in the chair nearest to her husband's position and ran her fingers through her hair. "Jesse, where are you going?"

"To Mark's, I … I can't stay here, Rae, there are too many things I can't deal with, and I know you don't want me to be alone with the girls, it'll be better if I go."

"No, Jesse, please, we can deal with this, sort it out together … I know I can't let you be alone with them, not yet, but soon, when we know you are completely better, but this is your home, you love this house, we can work things out here, Honey, I know we can."

"Rae, we can't work things out, because … because I don't want to work them out… You shouldn't have come." Jesse knew that sounded bad, but he also knew that if he thought back to before Rae came to LA then he wasn't overwhelmed by memories

For a minute Rae couldn't speak, couldn't understand what her husband was saying but then she found her voice. "I don't know what you mean, please, Jesse, tell me what you mean."

Jesse paused, even as scared and mixed up as he was, he knew that what he was saying would hurt Rae deeply, but still he had to finish what he'd started. "You should have stayed in London; none of this would have happened if you hadn't been here. Steve, Mark and Amanda they were my friends, my family, I didn't need anyone else, I should have known better." Jesse became silent; he didn't look at Rae, not because he didn't want to, but because he had no need to.

"You wish you'd never met me?" Rae was stunned and she had no idea how to react to his words. A feeling of numbness spread through her and she just sat, waiting for the next bomb to drop.

"Yes, I wish I'd never met you, because if I hadn't then none of this would have happened. I never took time off work before you came, now I'm never there, Steve and I were the best friends of anyone I knew, now I hardly see him, and you are always there when I do, Mark and Amanda, that's changed too, and it's all because of you and what your life has done to mine!" Jesse's voice had got louder and louder and as he finished talking he stood up as if to leave, but Rae grabbed hold of him.

"Honey, please, don't go, we can work this out, we've been happy, I need you, Jesse, I'll do anything you want if you'll stay." Rae knew that she was pleading, begging, but it was true, anything that Jesse wanted she would do, if only he wouldn't leave. "Don't you have any feelings about the two of us?"

"Us?" Just the thought of being with her again chilled him to the bone. "There is no us, you and me, it's over, I'll give you a divorce, there won't be any problems, and I'll work out with a lawyer about money for the girls, and visitation rights." He checked his watch and stood up, the pain and disbelief in Rae's face was beginning to unsettle him, "Mark will be expecting me home soon, I'll grab my other bags and see myself out. My house keys are in the dish in the hall… Take care, Rae."

She watched him as he turned and left the room, the words spinning in her mind, divorce, visitation rights and then as if in a dream she too stood and moved out into the hallway again.

The bags were gone, and this brought her back to the reality of the situation and she rushed out of the door just in time to stand, tears streaming down her face, and watch as Jesse reached his car. She stared in disbelief as he put his bags in the trunk and climbed into the driver's seat and then she saw the love of her life start the engine, drive out of the driveway and disappear from sight.