Captive Memories
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters (except for any original ones!), they all belong to JKR etc. I'm just playing with them for a while. Any changes to timescale or character that may annoy purists out there are done for the good of the story.
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Chapter One
It's Walpurgis Night tonight. I read the stars, and they told me what it means. So good, to feel myself ragged and shivering on the hard dirt floor. To look with my own eyes at the silver puncture marks in the sky and know what I am. The dementors withdraw at this time every evening, to seek some secret ritual of their own, and at last, for an hour, my mind is my own. This is the only chance I have to hold on to my true self, to keep myself as sane as I can. And so the familiar ritual begins – searching for those increasingly elusive memories, the happy times that are my only tenuous link to normality.
"Bellatrix!" I turned at the smooth and warmly familiar voice, my black silk robe swishing pleasantly around my ankles. Skipping forward a few steps, scornful of the children around me, I was swept up in the arms of my Lucius. His soft blonde hair tickled my nose as we whirled around, laughing, on the busy platform. "Come on!" He took my hand and we sauntered to the front of the train. "Out!" First Years scattered at his command as we took the first class carriage, propping our legs up comfortably on the cushioned seats.
"And how was the hunt, my darling?" I asked him once we were settled. He grimaced, his lower lip jutting out like a little boy's.
"Terrible. Two veelas, a vampire and a unicorn." He made a dismissive motion with his hand. "Hardly worth the trip. I've told Father that I shan't bother going next time he goes to Russia. And the food – unutterably awful!" He shuddered and so did I, to think of him suffering so.
"And to think, they took you away from me for three whole months, just for that!" Suddenly a blonde head appeared at the window, and my precious little sister Narcissa opened the door, all bluster and bravado.
"They didn't believe it that I was your sister and so I said to them that I was and I could prove it so here I am." Breathless, she watched us. How glamorous we must have looked, curled up together, my black hair mingled with his blonde.
"Come in, my angel, and shut the door." Curious eyes peered around the corner of the glass partition at us, but I gave them a glance to whither, and they disappeared noisily. I gathered my sister onto my lap, although she is much too old for such coddling, and stroked her fair hair, running its smoothness between my fingers. "Who did not believe you, my pet? We shall turn them all into toads, won't we, Lucius?"
"Undoubtedly. Hello, Narcissa." Lucius smiled distantly and went back to looking out of the window. He never liked to share me with my sister.
"I was talking to a girl called Celia Macdonald, and this boy called Gilderoy Lockhart came barging in and took up all the space! I said that I was hardly used to such manners." Narcissa picked a few flecks of fluff from her taffeta robe and set her head at a haughty angle. "He said who did I think I was, the Queen? And I said I was Narcissa Black and my sister was a sixth-year prefect. Then he said I couldn't be a Black, because all of us have black hair. How stupid can you be? Everyone knows that Andromeda's hair is just dark brown, not black at all!"
"Lockhart, Macdonald… Not any of the families… Probably just mudbloods who think they're better than they are." Lucius turned to look at Narcissa; giving her one of those smiles I loved so much, a smile that meant cruelty and fun all at once. "Well you've said your piece, Narcissa, and now its time for you to run along. Your sister and I have a lot of catching up to do." He shot me a glance full of meaning, and I shooed her off my lap.
"Lucius is right, darling. Best go and find some people to talk to that are more of your own class. Regulus is on the train somewhere, go and find him!" She paused in front of the carriage door for a moment, and looked squarely at Lucius.
"Are you and my sister in love?" Lucius sighed and shook his head.
"No. But neither of us know why."
The sickening sound of dragging robes comes to my ears and I tense, ready for the bitter cold those damned creatures bring with them. I try to hold on to the train, to Narcissa or Lucius, but its impossible. Instead horrible, painful memories pull me downward, until darkness swallows me once more.
I paused at the bedchamber door, surprised to hear voices. The eve of my sister's wedding, and I had expected to find Lucius alone. Instead I heard the quiet rise and fall of conversation. I thought briefly about opening the door, but changed my mind and slipped into the adjoining chamber instead. Opening one of the many secret passages that worm their way through our castle, I stepped into the welcoming blackness and positioned myself at an eyehole.
Lucius was sitting on a low stool in front of the fire. Behind him, spare and slender with the grace that he had only lately learnt, stood Severus Snape. I watched, my stomach in knots, as Severus brushed the long, soft fall of Lucius' hair, lifting it lock by lock to run the brush gently from the scalp to the ends. I had thought to be the one to do that for him, I had expected to feel those hairs brush my naked skin in return.
"So, you are getting married." Severus said softly, wistfulness evident in his tone. Lucius chuckled softly, his face hidden from me.
"Yes. Narcissa will make me very happy." One hand appeared on his shoulder, the silver of the family seal glinting in the firelight. Severus took it, linking his fingers, as he continued to brush.
"Are you sure of that?" Severus said, almost under his breath.
"She will make me happy by giving me children. Nothing more, Severus." My Lucius turned and looked up at him, still holding his hand. His thumb was drawing circles on Severus' palm. Severus pulled away, putting the brush down carefully on the table.
"You know, much of the time, I hate you." Severus said almost conversationally.
"You love me." Lucius rose and walked up close to the younger man.
"I love you." Severus acquiesced, spinning to face Lucius, the top of his legs resting against the lip of the table. His face was drawn and tired. "But you don't love me."
"It's never been about love." Lucius traced the high cheekbone with the back of his fingers, brushed a lock of black hair back. "I've never lied to you." Severus seemed to melt into his touch. I knew the tenderness of those fingers, almost felt their soft touch on my own cheek. "It's about power." Suddenly he grasped Severus' throat, pushing him uncomfortably back against the table. "I own you, Severus."
"Yes." Severus hissed, eyes wide with fear and something else. Suddenly Lucius slid his hand around the back of Severus' neck and pulled him forward into a crushing kiss. I watched no longer, but ran back to the safety of my own husband's bed, reminding myself over and over that this was what I had chosen.