Goku's Secret Weapon: The Sequel
By: YunCynImaginator
YunCyn: Yes, I realize it has been a LOOOOOOOOOONG while since we've updated...
Imaginator: It ain't our fault Form Four loads this much homework onto it's poor victims (i.e us)
YunCyn: And also, we have an announcement. Since these pre-scene convos could actually have us BANNED from FF.Net (all gasp in horror), we shall have to omit them totally.
Imaginator: (sniff) That's right. No more wacky stuff happening before the scenes... no more muse whacking moments... (sobs)
Muses: (exchange looks) WOOOOHOOOOOO!!! HALLELUJAH!!
YunCynImaginator: (flaming aura) WHAAAAT?!
Muses: No more abusive pre-scene conversations!! (cheers in jubilation)
Imaginator: Yunnie... since this is the last time we'll do this... let's make it count.
YunCyn: Right you are, old pal.
YunCynImaginator: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!
Bunnies: (bows as crazy authors chase muses)
Disclaimer: Welcome to the standard insert disclaimer space. Insert your standard disclaimer that prevents Kazuya-sensei from suing you for using the Saiyuki characters in an unauthorized fanfic here. Thank you.
It was exactly eight o' clock at night.
Well, it could have been 7.59 or 8.01 but still that's not the point. The point is, it was nighttime.
.
And the nights of the Sanzo-ikkou were rarely peaceful.
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BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
SLASH!
BOOM!
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"Mataku…" commented Gojyo as he seemingly effortlessly cut through the youkai horde that had demanded Sanzo's kidney on a plate with ketchup. "Do they HAVE to pick such an inconvenient time to pick a fight with us?"
Hakkai chuckled as he blasted his adversaries away with his deadly spheres. "Maa, it wouldn't be the first time, would it?"
"Considering that their level of intelligence equals to that of a certain SARU who's been busy EATING!!" yelled Gojyo pointedly as he tossed a glare in a certain saru's direction.
With the amount of violence that was going on, it should have been an amazing thing to note that a full dining table complete with dishes of chicken, fish, vegetables and miscellaneous objects of consumption was still intact and steady, as if it'd been glued on. But it wasn't. Not when you were a part of the Sanzo-ikkou. Nevertheless, Goku was placidly sitting on a chair, slurping soup and munching rice. He looked up mournfully, eyes as sad as a basset hound's.
"But… I'm hungry…! And I'm still a growing BOY!" he said with large, sad, imploring eyes that would have fooled anyone.
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Except Gojyo.
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"You've had 500 years to grow!! Face it, dammit, you're SHORT!!"
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Goku's lower lip quivered and his eyes grew even larger and sparklier. He started shoveling the food faster into his mouth.
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"Now look what chomp! munch! you've made me do! gulp! crunch! Now I have to eat swallow! munch! more to compensate for my unhappiness!"
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In spite of being in battle, three members of the Sanzo-ikkou face faulted in unison with a loud crash, causing three hapless youkai to miscalculate and slash each other to ribbons by mistake.
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"A… very effective diversionary tactic though…" commented Hakkai with a cheery smile as he lifted his face from the ground.
"Stuff it, Hakkai." Growled Sanzo as he and Gojyo got to their feet.
Resigning themselves to the fact that Goku wasn't about to exercise pest control with them, the rest just continued fighting. While the youngest member of the Sanzo-ikkou just continued chomping, slurping and munching on whatever was left on the table.
Unfortunately for the youkai who weren't so well acquainted with the habits of the famous Sanzo-ikkou, they decided that hey, since that guy's busy eating shouldn't he be vulnerable and thus easy kill? Besides, it was an insult to them since that short guy wasn't taking them seriously enough to come out and kick their butts. So, one unfortunate youkai decided to play hero.
Jumping up high, he landed heavily right on to the dining table, making the beer spill and several plates of food fall to the ground.
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And his foot landed right into Goku's target of attack: the fried chicken slices.
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There was a pause.
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Then a moment of silence as Gojyo and Hakkai shook their heads sadly. Not even youkai like these deserved to die like that. Sanzo just calmly put some bullets in some other youkai.
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"…MY FRIED CHICKEN!!!! MY… MY… CHICKEN!!" Goku looked up and glared at the youkai who was now wondering if this had really been the best decision to make. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!! NYOIBOU!!"
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Hakkai and Gojyo sweat dropped at what came next.
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THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
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Goku was whacking the youkai to death, the Nyoibou relentlessly flying up and down without pausing.
.
"A…ano… Goku? I, I really think that's enough… I think he's dead…"
"Really, really, dead…" added Gojyo with a slight grimace. "Ooh…"
Goku seemed to take the hint. As fast as he'd produced the nyoibou, the boy was back to eating what remained of dinner. Which wasn't much to be honest.
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Respective sweat drops emerged.
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"… I will NEVER understand that guy."
Hakkai smiled, the sweat drop still hanging from his head. "I don't think you should even try, Gojyo…"
.
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It was after this that IT happened.
.
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A youkai, apparently being thrown through mid-air, flew right in the direction of the busily eating Goku.
One swing of his arm was all it took to take care of that particular enemy and put it out of commission permanently.
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POKE!
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You could practically see the same thought run through the Sanzo-ikkou's minds.
.
…this sounds familiar.
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After that, everything started to move in slow motion as Goku's golden eyes widened. A look of enlightenment slowly lit his face and a glow of understanding and maturity came from within. It was as if he had suddenly understood the meaning of his life and the universe had suddenly opened up its most hidden secrets to him. It was a magical, most wonderful moment for him.
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ON the other hand…
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Hakkai, Gojyo and Sanzo froze and stared, all equally apprehensive of what was to come next. They exchanged glances.
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"Ma…masaka…" said Hakkai, trying to be optimistic. The expressions on Gojyo and Sanzo's faces showed that they weren't convinced that something good was going to come out of this. Not one bit.
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The youkai stared at the unmoving Sanzo-ikkou and wondered what the heck was going on. But since they weren't moving, might as well just stand still and watch what happens, right?
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Goku got to his feet, face shining and body ramrod straight. He slowly raised his arm and gazed at his clenched fist almost reverently.
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Everyone wondered what could be so fascinating about his fist.
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Almost everyone. Three others looked at one other, one thought in each mind.
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Several heartbeats skipped before Goku called out triumphantly something to which half the youkai started laughing and the other half began sweat dropping.
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Three men weren't doing anything of the sort. Because one thing had become devastatingly clear.
.
.
.
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"NYOOOI-CHOPSTICKS!!!"
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.
.
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The chopsticks were BACK.
.
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With a vengeance.
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Sanzo sat in a room, quietly facing the window. An ashtray, half full, sat on the table he was sitting by and cigarette smoke permeated the air. A quiet glare graced the monk's face, a sign that he was thinking, that his thoughts weren't on the cigarette he was smoking at the moment.
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His mind wasn't at Kinzan Temple 10 years ago. It wasn't with his smiling, calm master who had taught him everything he knew. It wasn't even figuring out ways to murder Gojyo and Goku without the Three Aspects finding out.
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It was with the past battles they'd been through where Goku's chopsticks were being made painfully conspicuous. Like a bad sequel of an equally bad horror movie, the usage of Goku's chopsticks was now accompanied with Goku yelling that his chopsticks would deliver justice and truth.
.
And good food.
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The door creaked open behind him.
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Sanzo didn't turn around or bat an eyelid. "You're late."
Hakkai chuckled. "Gomenasai demo… it's rather difficult to sneak out without Goku noticing." Gojyo didn't miss Hakkai's crossed fingers behind the green-eyed healer's back.
Truth was, Hakkai and Gojyo just didn't have the heart to sneak out and leave Goku in the state he was in – staring half dazedly at his newly acquired weapon. One stick with 'Go' and the other with 'Ku' was already written on it in black permanent marker. They'd had to wait till he fell asleep, hugging the chopsticks tightly to his chest.
Gojyo got straight to the point as he took a seat. "So? What've you called us here for?"
Sanzo deigned to turn around and face the other two. "You know damn well why."
Hakkai smiled as he sat on another chair by the table. "Sou da na…"
Gojyo snorted. "We all know that your PET-"
"He's NOT my pet."
"The BAKASARU," continued Gojyo without missing a beat. "Has been putting us to SHAME for the past five days. I've got a feeling someone up there doesn't like us very much."
"You mean, one kuso baba…" muttered Sanzo. "is enjoying herself at our expense."
(Kanzeon: I am NOT an old hag! And damn right I'm enjoying myself!)
"So, at all costs and no matter what it takes, we need to get rid of those chopsticks once and for all!" declared Gojyo vehemently and with much feeling.
Then, Hakkai put into voice the million-dollar question on everyone's minds.
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"But how?"
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Several minutes of tense silence followed as all three pondered several methods of chopstick extermination. Including killing the saru, gagging the saru or just breaking the chopsticks into half. Again. The idea where they threw the saru into a well and broke all the chopsticks they could find in the meantime sounded good in theory but was soon rejected. Where would they get a well in the first place?
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Then…
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Sanzo suddenly smirked.
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It was enough to send Gojyo edging towards the door. Hakkai, being of stronger constitution than his redheaded friend just started sweating profusely and nervously.
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"San…zo?"
"You know that old saying?"
Gojyo came nearer since he realized that the smirk wasn't directed at him. He puzzled his brains about any old sayings he'd heard last time.
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
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THWAP!
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"OI!"
"Baka." Growled Sanzo, retrieving the paper fan. "The one that goes 'Fight fire with fire'." Sanzo paused to let that sink into the minds of his cohorts.
As he expected, two smiles (feral in nature) grew on both Gojyo and Hakkai's faces.
Had anyone been there at the time, they'd have gone into catatonic shock seeing Gojyo, Hakkai and Sanzo smirking in such a manner that they looked like cats with canary feathers poking out of their mouths.
"So that's the way it's gotta be, huh…?" murmured Gojyo, the smirk not leaving his face.
"…wouldn't it be more accurate to fight fire with water?" pondered Hakkai, one finger to his chin.
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Sanzo and Gojyo GLARED.
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"Uh… never mind…"
"So? When do we start?"
Sanzo's eyes glinted as he put out his cigarette ominously.
"We start…
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Tomorrow."
.
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"GENJO SANZO! We're here for the sutra! Surrender or DIE in the most horrible way ever known to man!"
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Gojyo snorted. He and the saru had already come across over three hundred of the most horrible ways to die ever known to man or youkai. And it all came from one trigger-happy monk sitting in the front seat with a very clear aim. Nevertheless, he wasn't about to release that information as everyone dutifully got out of the jeep and gave Hakuryu enough time to morph back into a dragon and fly safely away.
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Goku grinned in expectation of much fun. He'd turned much more vocal since he'd gotten his new weapon. "PREPARE TO GET YOUR BUTTS KICKED!!"
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"NYOOOOI-CHOPSTICKS!!"
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Youkai stared as Goku twirled the twin sticks in one hand. Was he serious?
As Goku got to work, blinding youkai, the saru blinked.
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He could have SWORN he saw the rest of his companions exchange glances and SMILE secretively.
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Must be a trick of the light...
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Gojyo sighed by the side as a bunch of youkai surrounded him. "For the saru… for the sake of my image… I gotta be THIS uncool. Ah, well…"
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He held out one hand.
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.
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"SHAKU-FORK!"
.
.
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Goku expectedly face faulted as he was about to jam a chopstick in an eye socket. "NANI?!" He got to his feet and spun round.
.
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And stared at Gojyo dexterously and nonchalantly twirling a silver DINNER FORK between his fingers before plunging the pronged end into the general direction of a youkai's heart. After doing so, he pulled out the bloodstained fork and started twirling again. (Heck, if he had to use a FORK, he was gonna use it with STYLE, dammit.)
.
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Goku stirred himself enough to turn wildly enough to yell at Hakkai that Gojyo had finally snapped.
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And stared.
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.
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At Hakkai who was happily and very efficiently beating youkai over the head with a silver DINNER SPOON.
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.
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Goku blinked and rubbed his eyes.
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Still a dinner spoon.
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He rubbed them some more.
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Dinner spoon.
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Harder rubbing ensued.
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AHA! It WASN'T a dinner spoon.
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It was a SOUP SPOON!
.
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…
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A SOUP SPOON?!
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Goku really thought he was losing it when he remembered something.
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Sanzo.
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He could always count on SANZO to be a beacon of stability in a world of chaos and insanity. Plus, he might just be able to beat Gojyo and Hakkai back to normal with the harisen. Good old Sanzo wouldn't change, right?
.
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THWAP!
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Ice water ran through Goku's veins. NO… It couldn't be!
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He turned.
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IT WAS!
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Genjo Sanzo, 31st generation of the protectors of the sutras and highly respected through the enlightened world was brandishing…
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A table napkin.
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A paper table napkin.
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(And what a deadly paper table napkin it was too! Five youkais in five seconds!
Authoresses: Wish WE could learn the deadly martial art of table napkins…
Sanzo: URUSEI.)
.
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While Gojyo was stabbing and Hakkai was beating, Sanzo was…
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Slapping.
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The paper napkin (or serviette if you want to get technical) gave really mean paper cuts. Mean enough to blind a youkai before the very same napkin whacked them. And apparently it was an EXORCISING napkin as well since the youkai dissolved instantly into molecules. (For those who've seen Saiyuki Reload Episode 8, you KNOW this is completely possible)
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Goku stared all around him.
.
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Had the whole world gone CRAZY while he had been SLEEPING?!
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Another stab, another beating…
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Another slapping and whacking.
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The possibility was all too real.
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Goku's train of thought was derailed as the sound of Gojyo stabbing a body with the… shaku-fork came from behind him.
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"SARU! STOP DAYDREAMING AND START FIGHTING!"
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Goku decided to save his rightful confusion for later.
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Meanwhile, he had a few youkai to exterminate.
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POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE! POKE!
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After everything was over…
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Goku stormed up to his companions, filled with righteous confused anger.
"WHADDHAYA MEAN BY FIGHTING WITH A FORK-"
"A shaku-fork," corrected Gojyo with a slight grin.
"A SPOON AND A… A…" Goku couldn't even bring himself to say the words.
"A paper napkin." Said ever-helpful Hakkai. "And it's a soup spoon to be exact. Please get it right, ne?"
Goku was choking on his words more than he had ever done in his entire life. Literally. His guardian raised an eyebrow.
"What's wrong with you, saru?"
Goku turned and stared at Sanzo like he'd grown a second head. "B, but… b, b, but… b, b, but…"
Sanzo kept his eyebrow raised then turned and headed for Hakuryu who had changed back into their trusty jeep. "Ikuzo."
Hakkai and Gojyo dutifully followed, Gojyo commenting on how easy that had been with Hakkai chuckling in reply.
And Goku followed, shocked to the core.
"B, but… b, b, b, but… b, b, b, b, but…"
"Iin desu ka, Sanzo? Goku looked awfully upset…"
"I'm just surprised he hasn't broken down yet."
"Gojyo, that's not nice…"
"True, ain't it?"
"Sanzo…?"
"Leave him."
"Hai…"
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As it were, Goku's defenses weren't as strong as his three companions.
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He cracked two days after the emergence of the shaku-fork, the ki-spoon and the youkai exorcising napkin. The sight of Sanzo slapping another hapless youkai with his napkin and then folding the napkin into the most dreaded weapon known to Togenkyo: the harisen, was all too much for his saru brain.
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"ALRIGHT!! ALRIGHT!!" cried Goku as he slumped to the ground on his knees. "I GET IT ALREADY!!"
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The last of the youkai eradicated, Gojyo, Hakkai and Sanzo gathered round the distraught boy. Hakkai knelt and placed a hand on Goku's shoulder rather sympathetically.
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"Wakatta yo…!" sobbed Goku. "I get what you guys are trying to tell me!"
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The three elder members of the Sanzo-ikkou let out small sighs of relief. So, the boy finally understood the purpose of them using tableware for weapons the past days.
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"YOU WANT ME TO USE A DINNER KNIFE TO COMPLETE THE SET, DON'T YOU?!" wailed Goku plaintively.
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It would come to no surprise that all three elder members of the Sanzo-ikkou toppled over in a simultaneous face fault.
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"I KNEW we should've thrown him down a well…" muttered Gojyo darkly as he got up from the dirt ground.
Hakkai had one of those yare-yare-desu-ne smiles on his face as he sat back up. "Maa… that wasn't the point we were trying to make, Goku…"
Sanzo had his face in one palm, trying to remember if Koumyou had taught him any chants that calmed one down enough to prevent unnecessary murder. It wouldn't do to dirty his robes with blood when there wasn't a river nearby to wash it.
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However, Koumyou had never predicted Goku. Sanzo felt his blood pressure rise with every second.
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Gojyo was at the edge of grabbing Goku by the shoulders and shaking him. "That's not the point, you dumbass monkey!! We used all that idiotic stuff to make you see how STUPID YOU look when you use those damn chopsticks!!"
Goku looked shocked. "You, you don't MEAN that!!"
"We DAMN well do, you stupid monkey boy! Even YOU couldn't stand it, right?!"
"D, datte-!" The boy looked desperately at Hakkai for help. "Hakkai…!! Say it ain't so!"
Hakkai was at a loss. In the end though, he nodded helplessly. "I'm afraid so, Goku… the chopsticks…"
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"Must GO." Finished Sanzo in a voice of steel.
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Goku looked up at his guardian, lower lip trembling. Sanzo glared back, purple eyes giving no room for argument or pity.
This staring contest continued for a minute before Goku caved in. With a stifled sob, he held up his chopsticks. In one smooth motion, Sanzo snatched the sticks, broke it into half and flung them as far away as humanly possible.
"Come on, Goku… you know it's all for the best…" murmured Hakkai as he patted Goku's shoulder comfortingly.
Goku sniffled. "I'll… sniff be okay…" He trudged to a waiting Jippu. Behind him, Gojyo, Sanzo and Hakkai exchanged looks that said it all.
.
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The chopsticks had died.
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Finally.
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The End.
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Goku popped his head up and spoke in a small teensy voice. "But… can't I just use the dinner knife then…?"
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"NO!"
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The REAL End.
Imaginator: (snickers) I love the last bit.
YunCyn: You're not the only one! (snigger)
Imaginator: Ah, but the mirth has come to an end. For this will be our last post-scene convo as well. Parting is such sweet sorrow...
YunCyn: (sniff) We failed to mention earlier that for the next two weeks will be exams, exams, exams...
Imaginator: (shakes head) Please, wish us luck, minna! And to those who are having exams as well, the best of luck to all of you!
YunCyn: I'm gonna fail...!
Imaginator: Well, that means we gotta go hit the books.
YunCyn: picks up sledgehammer Literally.
YunCynImaginator: Jaa ne!! (runs off)
Muses: (bound and gagged) MMMPRGH!!