Chapter Nineteen – The Day the World Stopped
The pictures he had taken were spread out before him, sixteen of them that were actually useable and eight that he would have the pleasure of setting light to in a few moments.
"Lieutenant Steve Sloan," the name fell from his tongue with such hatred, such vehemence that he surprised even himself, "supposed to be one of LA's finest, you didn't even know how much danger your partner was in did you?" He picked up a photo and looked at it. The tall dark haired cop was talking to a young blonde woman, short hair, a bit on the plump side, hah, she had never been in any danger! "You play me for a fool, Lieutenant Sloan, and that is a very dangerous thing to do." Suddenly he ripped the picture in half, and then in half again and again before throwing the resulting confetti up into the air and watching as it fell to earth.
He wished he had a picture of him dancing with the British woman, not to show anyone, but just for him. He didn't think he had ever danced with a cop before, her hair had been really pretty, he had wanted to reach out, to touch it, but that would have been too dangerous. Shame it was brown, lucky for her, but a shame nonetheless. He picked up a photo that he was really pleased with; the two cops, conferring together, their heads almost touching, completely unaware that the watchers were being watched. That was the one, he would send that. Nothing else, just the photo, he knew it would freak them out, and if he was lucky he might even get to know the results.
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Rae had watched her daughter disappear and cursed her inactivity. She wanted to be in the elevator not standing doing nothing. She had known that Anneya's injury could be serious, but when Alex had shouted, and then insisted he be able to use the Imaging Suite immediately the reality of the situation had hit her, hard, and she had been unable to function for a little while.
Rae had always left the medical side of things to Jesse, but she knew that a serious head injury could result in all sorts of problems. The trauma could cause blindness, deafness, epilepsy, death. Stop it! Don't think like that! Children were resilient, her daughter would be fine, she had to be.
"Ma'am, where do you want to be?" Nurse Parc's question broke into her thoughts and Rae pushed them away.
"The doctors' lounge, I'll go there. Thank you." Without another word Rae turned and made her way to the familiar security of the small room, knowing that even if it were occupied most staff knew who she was and wouldn't mind her being there. Jesse didn't answer his cell phone and so she left a message, trying not to sound as panicked as she felt, but letting him know that his place was with her right now, however much he may dislike her. Then she called Steve, let him know all that she knew and she tried Jesse once more before putting her phone away again. After that Rae had no idea what else to do and so she sat, exhausted but totally wired, and waited for someone to come and get her.
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Jesse sat in his car, the wind blowing through his hair as he watched the sun come up and he sighed a deeply contented sigh. He had been meaning to just drive along PCH for the longest time, and when he realised that he had Friday afternoon and all day Saturday to himself he had decided to throw a couple of pairs of jeans and tops into a bag and head out of the city. He had left a note for Mark on the dining table, he knew it wasn't very detailed, but as he had no idea where he was going or what he was going to do he had just assured him that he was fine and would be back on the Saturday evening in time for his shift on Sunday.
The motel he had stayed in overnight had been pleasant, and the pre-packed breakfast he ate as he sat in his car was just right for the situation. Jesse felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulled it out; the name Rae seemed to shout out at him and threw it down onto the seat beside him and put his jacket over it. He couldn't have her invade his space, not this weekend, not here or now. Jesse thought for a moment, he guessed that she was calling to find out how the girls had got on with him Thursday night. He knew that she was off today, that her shifts had been altered a little so that she could spend the weekends at home, even if she was working, so that Sally didn't have to be imposed upon.
As a gull swooped nearby Jesse realised that as long as he didn't have to actually face her, or talk to her, he could think about Rae quite rationally. The smile that crossed his face, although he didn't realise it, was the beginning of a process, a process that would be hard and long, but would eventually take him back to all the places he wished he'd never left.
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Mark had watched Eliana go off with her 'Unki Teve' and then made his way back to the ER with every intention of keeping an eye on Rae and taking her to his office where she could wait in some privacy for whatever news Alex brought back. Things hadn't worked that way though, and he had been waylaid as he entered the hallway to deal with a three year old boy who had fallen out of his bunk bed and not only broken his wrist but his ankle too.
Once again he had made pennies appear from ears, from Mitchell's mom's hand, even from the roll of plaster which he had been soaking ready to put on the little pale ankle. The child's mother was a nurse at Mercy Hospital, and so Mark was happy to discharge the little boy into her care. Once he had done that Mark discovered that it had been over ninety minutes since Eliana had left the hospital and, leaving a message at the nurses' station that he wasn't to be called except in a dire emergency, he went in search of Rae.
Rae had left two more messages on Jesse's phone, and one on the answer service at the beach house. She had called Sally to tell her what had happened, and she had refused her offer to come and sit with her. Right now she wasn't sure if she could deal with it. Rae thought of her own mother, Tony, her other children, Jesse's parents, she couldn't believe that there were so many people who would need to be contacted, but as she had so little information she decided it would be better to wait a while. There was nothing else to do except pace the floor, and so she did that instead.
"Rae?" Mark spoke quietly, not wanting to scare her, and he was shocked at the haunted look she gave him as she raised her head.
"Mark, have you heard anything? Alex said he would come get me, but it's been ages, and I can't get Jesse … and …" Rae was suddenly aware of the two other people in the room with her; doctors who she knew by sight but not name.
"Rae, come with me, we can go to my office, and I'll page Alex to let him know you're there, ok?" Mark watched as she nodded her head and then he slipped an arm around her as she left the room. They had just got to the door of Mark's office, stopping only to let the nurse on duty in ER know where they were going, when Rae heard her name and turned to see Alex coming towards her. Suddenly she didn't want to see him, didn't want to hear what he had to say, the not knowing was almost preferable to the facts, but then as he reached out and placed a hand on her arm she was, once again, desperate for information.
"Alex? Is she…? You were so long … Oh, Alex …" Rae couldn't speak; she knew that she was shaking and Mark's grasp of her got a little firmer.
"Shhh, Sweetie, let's go in my office, we can talk there." Mark didn't wait for an answer; he pushed open the door and guided Rae inside. The room was so much an extension of who and what Mark was, that even in her tormented state Rae smiled a small smile and felt somehow reassured though no words had been spoken.
Rae sat down in one of the two chairs in front of the desk and tried to keep herself under control. For a moment the room was totally silent, and she felt that she could bear anything but that. "Alex?"
"I have her in the paediatric intensive care unit, and … Rae, she had a seizure, which is why I was longer than I had intended." Alex stopped talking, his patient was very dear to him, and she had seemed so helpless, so vulnerable, but all he could do was treat her to the best of his ability and keep a close eye on her vital signs.
"Are you going to operate?"
"No, not at the moment, Doctor Lee, who got here real fast, Rae, thinks that she should be monitored for the next twenty-four hours, if her condition deteriorates then he will, but if not then he thinks that the edema, serious though it is, isn't cause enough on its own."
"Oh, thank God." Rae let out a deep sigh, "Did she come round?"
"No … Rae, she's in a coma, she's non-responsive, I'm sorry."
"I have to go to her, Alex, and Jesse should be here, Mark, where is he?" Rae got to her feet, but at the look on her friend's face she sat straight back down again.
"Honey, he wasn't home when I got in from work last night, and when you called Alex and we both came in he wasn't there then either. I don't know where he is." Mark shook his head, however stressed out Jesse was he loved his children, and he knew that when the young man found out how needed he had been his guilt would increase even more.
"Can you keep trying him for me? His number is on my phone, here, I can't have it with me anyway." Rae handed it over to Mark and then, remembering something else, began to talk again. "Everyone will need to be told. Mark, I told Steve and Sally, I didn't know what else to do." Her voice tailed away, she wasn't sure what to say.
"You sit with your daughter; I will do any phone work you want me to. Just work out a list and I'll call them." Mark put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a hug before she left the room with Alex.
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Eliana had been delighted to see her 'Unki Teve', and once he had explained to her that Rae was staying in the hospital with Anneya she had happily gone home with him. Although it was coming up to lunchtime by the time Steve arrived at his house Eliana had been tired and so he had put her gently to sleep in the nursery, staying to watch her for a while, wondering the whole time how her little sister was faring.
By two Eliana was awake and ready to take on the world. She had eaten a meal of pancakes and syrup lovingly prepared by Michael, told him all about pre-school as she ate and then made herself comfortable with Daniel to watch cartoons.
Steve had joined Jo out in the garden, a mug of steaming coffee in each hand, and as they sat together drinking it they heard the combined laughter of the two children in the house.
"You know, I can't believe he is really ours, oh, I don't mean that we own him, but he is our son, legally an' morally an' every little thin' you can think of, he is ours." Jo smiled, but then a shadow passed across her face. "It could all be taken away so quickly though couldn't it? That little mite, she was fine yesterday, but now, now she could be dyin' couldn't she?" Jo moved closer to Steve, and was comforted by the feel of his arm around her waist.
"We can't think that way, she'll fight this just like her mom or dad would do, but yeah, it could be, and that's why we have to enjoy every day, live every moment… and I sound like a Hallmark card!" Steve looked down at his beautiful wife and he knew that almost losing her once was once too often, but if he was to lose his child, no, he couldn't think that way. He lifted his cup and drank until he had drained it, not knowing what else to do or say.
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Anneya was lying in a small bed, there were IV's and monitors next to her, and for a moment Rae couldn't enter the room. Alex had warned her how her little girl would look, but the actual sight was almost too much and it took a gentle push from the young doctor to carry her over the threshold.
"Rae, sit down on the chair, then I can explain everything that's here, so that you know what's going on."
Alex pulled a second seat over from by the door of the small, but private, room and made himself comfortable on it. He placed his hand on Rae's arm and she reached up and trapped it under her own. "All these things, they don't matter, not if she's going to die, is she going to die, Alex?"
"Oh, Honey, I wish I could tell you definitely no, but the truth is, right now I don't know. The GSC, which is the Glasgow Coma Scale, shows her to have severe brain injury and coma, it's more use in adults, but even so her score's not good, she has severe brain edema, I don't need to explain that to you, I know you understand how dangerous it can be."
Rae had tears in her eyes now, but she wouldn't let them fall. Somehow she felt that if she fell apart then her daughter's prognosis would be worse.
"Can she hear me, Alex?" Rae reached out to touch her child, but moved back as if burned. "She's still warm; I thought that would have gone."
"She's cooler than she was, and her temperature is coming down all the time. Rae, she's still getting antibiotics for the ear infection, which will ward off any other infections. Her prostaglandin levels are high, they'll be monitored because that isn't good, she's also being given magnesium and this here," Alex pointed to a figure on a chart by the bed, "is a reading of her serum sodium levels, they can fluctuate so we need to keep an eye on them, her waste will be monitored for that too." Alex wished that he had some better news for his friend, but he also knew that she wouldn't thank him for being conservative with the truth.
"Stop, I … I can't take anything else in right now." She felt guilty, but her brain was on overload. "Can I hold her hand? I want her to know that she isn't alone … that her mommy is here…" the tears threatened her again but, as before, she swallowed them down. "Alex, I know you're busy, you can go, I … I'll be ok."
"You're sure? I can stay a little longer if you would like." Alex regarded her critically; he knew that she was already under a great deal of pressure, and he had no idea why Jesse wasn't with her. "I'll go see Mark on my way down to the ER, my shift started an hour ago, so I'll just work right through, I'm sure he'll come sit with you for a while."
Rae smiled; the concern in her friend's eyes although worrying also warmed her, she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he had her daughter's best interests at heart, and that was a help to her right now.
"Could you get in touch with Amanda and Ron? Only Anneya is their goddaughter, they should know."
"Of course. I'll get someone to bring you up an herbal tea as well." Alex was gratified by the smile he received and then, still with a heavy heart, he turned and made his way back toward the ER department.
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Jesse had driven until three in the afternoon, stopping whenever the scenery was breathtaking, which was often. He had found a small fish restaurant just off a beach to have his lunch, and the feeling of total freedom from responsibility as he sat enjoying a cup of very nice coffee had been just what the doctor ordered.
Rae called him three times on his cell phone in the space of just over a half hour and in the end he had switched it off and put it in the trunk of the car. He felt better able to face her now he had been away, but he wondered whether that was just because he had put some serious miles between them.
Turning round in a conveniently placed coastal parking lot Jesse had begun the reverse journey with his spirits higher than they had been in a while. He found a CD in the glove box, and slid it into the player. It was one that his daughters' listened to, nursery rhymes and repetitive songs but it suited his mood and before long he was singing heartily about the wheels on the bus and how they went round and round.
To his surprise the journey home was totally different to the outward one. Even though he was travelling the same road he was seeing everything from the other perspective and so, once again, he found himself stopping and looking out at the ocean or watching the lights of the cities in the distance as they twinkled and flickered.
It was almost midnight before he drew into the driveway of the beach house and a wave of fatigue washed over him which resulted in him heading along the hallway and into his room without even stopping for a bedtime cup of coffee.
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The night had seemed eternally long for Rae, she had only left her daughter's side twice, and on both occasions it had been because readings needed to be taken, and IV bags changed, although the room was a reasonable size and she could have stayed, somehow it seemed to her that there wasn't enough room for the nurse and mother in the room at the same time. Rae had tried to melt into the wall, but wherever she had stood she felt as if she was in the way and so finally, with a smile in the nurse's direction, Rae had used both opportunities as toilet breaks, and to try her husband's phone again.
At nine o'clock on the Sunday morning Steve and Jo arrived at the hospital, unable to stay away any longer. Daniel had homework to do, and so Eliana had settled herself happily in the kitchen to draw a picture for Miss Amy to take to school the next day.
Steve had just handed Jo a cup of coffee when he heard his name being called and looked up to see Amanda, her face strained and worried, walking into the lounge. "Steve, did you hear anything? I … I left the boys with Ron; I needed to come and find out for myself. Rae and Jesse must be beside themselves with worry."
"Jesse isn't here." Mark's voice cut into the conversation, "I slept here last night, just in case Rae needed me, but I've been trying and trying to reach him. I'm about to go call home again, but he's due on duty in two hours." Mark shook his head as he moved into the room and took first Jo and then Amanda into a hug before clapping his son on the arm as he shook his hand.
"Is there any news yet this morning?" Steve's voice showed the worry he felt for Rae and Jesse.
"It's a waiting game. She has severe head trauma, and is in a coma. There's no guarantee that she'll recover. I'm sorry, Son, I wish I had better news to impart." Mark knew he was talking with very little emotion in his voice, but he needed to keep his feelings under control and that was the best way to do it.
"Yeah, me too, but thanks, Dad." Steve watched as his father left the room, and then he sank down onto the saggy sofa next to Jo needing her comfort and companionship more than ever.
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The ringing of a telephone bell began to filter through into Jesse's subconscious, but it was ok, Rae would get it. He turned over and half opened an eye, and realised that he wasn't at home, that Rae wouldn't get anything for him because he had frozen her out of his life. The sights and smells of the previous day came into his mind, and he found that he could bring forth a feeling of peace and contentment with them. The ringing had stopped, but he knew that he needed to get up take a shower and head in to the hospital.
As the water began to pound down on his back Jesse heard the phone again; he guessed he just wasn't meant to answer it. Ten minutes later he was pulling out of the driveway and didn't hear the answer phone cut in, or the message that Mark left for him.
Alex had been grateful for a morning of mundane and ordinary cases. His mind was so full of head injuries, of Rae and all that she had been through in the past, that he didn't think that he could handle anything more than a skinned knee or a broken nose right now. As he left the trauma room to go and grab a cup of coffee before going back up to check on Anneya he saw, to his delight and relief, Jesse come out of the elevator.
"Jess, thank goodness you're here. I guess Mark got through in the end, huh? I'm just going to see her, we can go up together." Alex was walking and talking at the same time and so didn't see the look of confusion on the face of his friend.
"Alex, slow down. See who? I'm due to start work in a little while, that's why I'm here."
"You mean you don't know?" Alex turned to his friend, a look of horror on his face. "Jesse, Anneya is in the PICU, she had a fall at home, she's in a coma."
"Oh my God, I had no idea, Alex, I need to go to her, where did you say she was?" Jesse threw the words over his shoulder as he raced for the elevator, punching the display hard, hoping that it would make the doors open quicker.
"The paediatric intensive care unit, Rae is with her." Alex wasn't sure, but he thought he saw Jesse take a deep breath in, and he knew that something had changed. "Jess?" There was no reply and then the doors did open and the two doctors hurried inside.
Rae had walked around the bed and back three times, she had then stretched her hands up to the ceiling and down to the floor. It didn't make a lot of difference, but at least her muscles were doing some work. She had never realised just how tiring sitting doing nothing was. She knew she was worrying, watching for any sign of movement, or change in her daughter, but this wasn't a mental tiredness, that she knew would come later, she felt as if she had run about ten miles along the beach.
As she sat down in the chair once more Rae heard the sound of the elevator opening. Anneya's room was five doors down from the nurses' station, and as she sat there she heard Alex's voice, and rose to her feet again to go and greet him. What she saw rooted her to the spot; Jesse was behind him, not exactly dragging his feet, but not hurrying either. He stopped just before the end of the fourth room and began to speak.
"Rae, Alex told me what the matter is. If you want to go get something to eat or have a sleep, I'll take over here."
Alex sensed that it would probably be best if he left and came to check on Anneya in a few minutes, so he kept on walking, touching Rae gently on the arm as he passed, and took the stairs back to where he had come from.
"No, Jesse, I can't leave her, she needs me here, needs you here too. She doesn't care if we are having problems; she just wants her mummy and daddy together helping her to get well." Rae moved back into the room and sat down; she needed to be with Anneya, not arguing in the doorway.
"Rae, you have to go, so that I can sit with her." Jesse felt a deep sense of disappointment in the pit of his stomach. He had been hopeful that after the journey of the previous two days he would have at least been able to be in the same room as Rae, but the banging of his heart, and the cold, awfulness that came with it was almost overpowering, and he turned and headed back towards the elevator without another word.
Rae watched Jesse turn and leave the PICU in disbelief; just because she was in the room he was unable to stay and the despair which had been bubbling below the surface turned to anger and resulted in her leaping to her feet and following him out into the hallway.
Jesse must have broken into a run as soon as he was out of sight because he was nowhere to be seen. She knew where he would make for though, and so she headed for the first elevator and hit the floor button for the ER doctor's lounge.
Jesse had wanted to sit with Rae and watch over Anneya but the fear for his sanity was stronger than that for his daughter's safety and he had been able to do nothing but go back the way he had come. He couldn't leave the hospital; he would be in the building, he could do his shift and that way when there was any news of his little girl he would know right away.
He saw Amanda, Mark, Jo and Steve waiting in the doctor's lounge and thought that Alex was back working in ER. He knew that two people at a time were allowed in the room with Anneya, but everyone would expect him to be the second person.
The door to the lounge opened and Amanda stood there. "Jess? Thank goodness you're here." Amanda realised that the doctor's lounge was the last place that Jesse should actually be. "Is there some news, has something happened?" Her beautiful face was creased with worry and he hurried to reassure her.
"No, no, I … I just had to come away." Jesse looked down, he couldn't meet her gaze.
"Tell her why, Jesse. Tell her why you can't sit with your wife and watch as your daughter fights for her life, and while you're at it, maybe you can explain it to me too, because right now I can't think of any reason good enough." Rae had arrived unnoticed, and her voice, loud and hard broke into the conversation.
"Rae?" Jesse spun round, moving backwards as he did so. "I … I tried, I really did, but I can't, I just can't." His hand found the handle of the door to the lounge and he pushed against it and disappeared inside.
Rae watched him, knowing that there was nothing she could do to reach him and, for the first time since she had found him in the shell of Crosier's garage, she wondered whether she wanted to.
Suddenly Rae knew that she had to get back to Anneya, it had been twenty-four hours since she had been brought in, and Rae hadn't left her for a moment apart from when she went to the toilet, now though the little girl was by herself, and panic began to set in. "I … I have to go, she may … she may need …" Rae's words ran out, she felt totally alone, even though the faces of her friends were visible through the glass of the room they were in. All the fears and mixed emotions seemed to crowd around her and for a moment she didn't know which way to turn to get back to the elevator and start the return journey to PICU.
"Rae, come and sit with me in my office, just for a minute, I'll get you a drink and you can relax, Anneya will be ok, Steve and Jo can go sit with her." Mark took Rae by the hand and he could feel her shaking. She was as close to exhaustion as it was possible to get without keeling over, and he was very concerned about her.
"No, no, I can't, I have to go back, she needs me, Mark, she could die … I can't leave her." The tears sprang into her eyes but she no longer had the strength to wipe them away. So far she hadn't cried, hadn't let anyone see the anguish she was feeling inside, the helplessness that her daughter was dying and she could do nothing to save her.
"Honey, you're tired out, Anneya is gonna need you so much when she comes round, but right now just having someone with her who loves her will be enough. Let Jo and Steve do that for you, just for a few minutes." The warmth of Mark's voice was too much for Rae to handle; cold facts and silent nurses were things she could deal with, but this was a step too far and she felt herself crumble, and Mark's arms go around her. "Come on, Sweetie, I have some camomile tea in my office with your name on it."
Rae was aware of being gently directed towards the cluttered but friendly rooms of the head of internal medicine, and as she got to the door she turned and reached out to Steve who had moved out of the lounge and come up behind her. "Talk to her, tell her I'll be back, she might hear you, Steve … tell her …"
"Shhh, it's alright, we know what to say, you stay with Dad for a while, if I have to leave Jo will stay, and she won't be alone, ok?" Steve held on to the hand she had given him for just a moment longer and then, looking to his wife for confirmation, they both moved away.
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Amanda had gone back into the doctor's lounge where Jesse had sat down on the saggy sofa and put his head in his hands. Now she crouched down in front of him and tried to keep her voice calm and kind, although she was finding it hard to do so.
"Jesse, I think you and I need to talk, or maybe I could get Lauren, it's up to you."
"What's the matter with me, Amanda? She's my daughter, but all I could think of was myself, and I couldn't stay." Jesse looked up, and the haunted expression in his eyes melted away all of Amanda's anger, and she took his hands into her own.
"I don't know what the matter is, not fully, but I know that before it was Steve and Rae that scared you, but now it seems to be just Rae. What has she done? She loves you; all she wants is for the four of you to be a family once again."
"But don't you see, if I stay bad things will happen? They told me not to tell, and I didn't, for a long time I didn't, but then, I did … and right away things got bad, real bad, I didn't get the connection not then, but now, now I know I told and things …" Jesse trailed away, he didn't know how to explain it. It was perfectly logical to him, he knew why he had told Rae, he knew what had happened since, and he knew they were all linked together. If she hadn't come into his life he would never have told anyone, and things would be just as they used to be.
"Jess, you aren't making any sense, who told you, and what was it that you weren't supposed to tell?" Amanda was trying to remember anyone that they'd had dealings with in the past warning Jesse off, but no one sprang to mind.
"He took me, he took me inside, and he sat me down, it was quite comfortable. I'd been there before, with Rae, but he didn't know that. He told me, he told me what would happen, and it was the same, how did he know? He had to know because they told him, but they weren't real, were they?" The confusion came up in Jesse's voice, and he stopped talking again. This time Amanda just slightly shifted her position so that she could sit on the floor in front of him, but still keep a hold on his hands. She didn't want to move too much and break whatever spell he was under.
"What do I do? Now, when I'm here, with you I want to be with Anneya, but when I go up there, and Rae is there, and she knows, she knows everything, how can I stay?"
"Jesse," Amanda's voice was very soft, and she carefully sat down on the sofa next to him, without letting go of his grasp, "if it's something that Rae already knows, and she's still here, I guess it doesn't matter to her, so why does it matter to you?"
"Because they told me, they said, if I told then things would happen, bad things, and they have, every time I've said anything something bad happens. If I hadn't told her, then none of this would have happened, if she had stayed away, if she hadn't come, we would be like we used to be, it's her fault, and I know if I see her they'll be angry and more bad things will happen. Like, like what's happening to Anneya right now, that's her fault too."
"Jesse!" Amanda was scandalised, "how can you say that, your little girl is seriously ill, but it's no one's fault. These things happen, and we all just have to hope and pray that the doctors will be able to make her better again, but it certainly has nothing to do with Rae, or whatever it was that you told her."
Jesse shook his head, he didn't know how to make her understand, how to show her that what he was saying, even though it sounded crazy, even to him now, he couldn't back away from it.
"When he took me into the house he told me I could go, that I could just leave, through the front door right there and then. But that Jo had to stay, she had to die. I said that I couldn't do that, but that neither of us were going to die because Rae and Steve would find us and save us both." Jesse paused for a moment, and in his mind he was back in the house where he had been held captive. "He just laughed, he said that he didn't believe me, no one would find us in time, and even if they did find us our destruction would be down to them anyway… and then he said that if they found me alive, and I told them that I stayed when I could have left and led you to him, when I could have maybe saved Jo from going through everything, that no one would believe me, so it would be better to say nothing, because if I told what I knew, bad things would happen … if I told then those I loved would get hurt, just like they had gotten hurt in the past … how could he know that? How could he know that had happened before?"
Although Jesse had spoken fluently he had begun to shake, and now he sat leaning against Amanda, she could feel him trembling and so carefully she let go of his hand and put her arm around him.
"Jesse, what happened before? I know that you're talking about Don Werner and what he did to you and Jo, but you keep saying that things happened before, what happened before?" Amanda hoped that by asking a question she wouldn't put him off, but at the moment he was talking round and round in circles, and they weren't really getting anywhere.
"Don't you see? If I tell you, if I tell you what they said then bad things will happen to you too?"
"Phooey!" Amanda bristled slightly. "Don't give me that! Jesse, you know that empty threats are just that, empty. Don't tell or something bad will happen, it could be anything from a flat tire on the way to work to … I don't know, something worse, and it's like a horoscope, you can make it fit what you want it to fit. Honey," Her voice softened again, "Werner knew you were vulnerable, he could have made you believe anything he wanted to, and I'm sure that whoever they are from before, it was the same then too, so please, tell me, tell me and then maybe you will feel better, and you can watch over your child with Rae, like you should."
Jesse nodded his head, maybe if more than one person knew, it would weaken the power it had over him, not increase it. Maybe if he told everyone, then it would go away. He knew, in his clear and rational moments that someone else's words were screwing up his life, but they were so powerful, so omnipresent, that he had been unable to dismiss them, and gradually, insidiously they had taken over his thoughts and his life to the point where everything he did was arranged around them. For goodness sakes, Jesse, you are a grown man, a licensed physician and a father, wake up and smell the roses; only you can banish this, so talk and get it done with. He didn't know where the thought came from, but suddenly he was filled with a resolve to finally end his torment and so, taking a deep breath he began to speak once more.
"Do you remember when I went to the cabin in the hills with Steve?"
If Amanda was surprised at what he said she managed to cover it well, he saw her nod her head and so he continued speaking.
"He had to go back to town, and I was left on my own … you know that I was taken away, and I thought, at the time, I really did think that aliens had me. That there was a cover up, that no one wanted to admit that we were being invaded by beings from another planet. I know that Mark and you found out what was happening, and showed me how I was being drugged, and that none of it was real, but they said that would happen, they said that you would have a logical explanation for all of it, and they said that you would be lying."
Amanda was quiet, what Jesse had suffered was impossible for them to really understand because he had, as he said, been drugged, and his recollections were hazy to say the least, or that was what he had always said, but now she wasn't so sure, now she wondered whether he did actually remember it, all of it, but he had thought that by keeping quiet he was making sure all his friends would remain safe.
"When they took me from the cabin they had big heads, everywhere was light, green and light, and I was so scared." The shaking returned, and Jesse leant closer into Amanda, glad that she was there and he realised he was already feeling a little better for being able to finally talk.
"Go on, I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere." She had already waved two doctors away from the door as they tried to enter and get coffee, but Jesse hadn't been aware of either of them, and as she spoke she felt him lean a little closer into her and she smiled slightly.
"I don't know where I was, I've never known where they took me, but sometimes I would wake up and I was in bed, others I was tied to a chair. One guy would hit me and make me repeat things after him, they were all the same, they had big heads, wide, they were aliens, they really were, or I thought they were, and they said that no one would believe me, that my friends would prove to me one way or another that I had been kidnapped for a few days and then released, but I would know different, I would know the truth."
Amanda didn't know what to say, she could see where there could be a convoluted logic in what Jesse was saying. The same as a bullying father telling a small child that no one would believe him if he said he was being beaten up at home, and she wasn't sure how to counter it.
"They said that they needed me to save their planet, I wanted to laugh, to say they were nuts, but they were right there in front of me, green aliens, and then the last thing that I remember, was one of them he stood behind me with his arm around my throat, and he said if I told anyone what had happened, if I contacted anyone other than those I was instructed to contact, then those I loved the most would be hurt, that bad things would happen to them. And he knew, how could he have known that unless it was true?" The anguish as he finished talking caused Jesse's voice to rise into a shout and then he was quiet and still, and the room was the same.
. . . . . . . . . .
Rae had sat down on one of the chairs by Mark's desk and rested her head in her hands. She felt such a failure, not only had her little girl been badly injured and she hadn't been able to prevent it, but she couldn't even sit with her until she was well without falling to pieces.
"I have to get back, Mark, she'll know I'm not there … I … I don't know what to do, Mark, please, help me." The plea tore at his heart and Mark poured the water over the tea bag in the cup and then moved over and sat next to her.
"Honey, she may know that you aren't there, but if she does she will also know that people who love her are by her side. You're gonna make yourself ill if you don't rest for just a little while. Now I have a very comfy sofa in here, and I would suggest that you sit at one end of it, put your feet up, drink your tea and close your eyes … ah ah, let me finish." Mark could see Rae desperately trying to break into the conversation. "If anything happens, anything at all, I'll tell PICU to page me, and I will be in here doing some of my ever increasing paperwork, so that I can keep you company. Rae, you can't keep on going and going without a break, no one can. Just stay for a couple of hours and then go back, ok?"
"I don't know, Mark, she's so young, she looks tiny and helpless, I should be there, with her, not sleeping on a comfortable sofa in a friendly office while she's suffering so."
"I know that's how you feel, and I always feel that way too, when Steve is in the hospital, but in the end you can only do so much before you make yourself ill too. I don't think that you want that to happen do you?"
Rae shook her head; she knew what Mark was saying made sense, and she was so tired that she wasn't actually sure if she could make it unaided back to the ICU anyway. "But just one hour, sixty minutes, and then you wake me up and I go back."
Mark nodded his head; he hadn't expected her to agree to it at all, so this was definitely better than nothing. He stood up, handed her the cup of tea and then watched as she placed it carefully on the table next to the sofa before making herself comfortable as instructed. Five minutes later the tea was still largely undrunk, but Rae was fast asleep.
. . . . . . . . . .
Amanda had sat quietly for quite a while after Jesse had finished talking. She wasn't sure if there was more to come or not, and also she needed to get her thoughts into some sort of order before she spoke. She was angry, angry at how her kind, loving, and slightly naïve friend had been made to suffer because of his innate good nature, but she was angry at him too, angry because he had been silly enough to let it rule his life so easily.
"Do you hate me?" the words came out as a plea for reassurance, and Amanda was shocked that he would think such a thing.
"No, of course not, Jesse, why would I?" There was no reply and she realised that he needed more than just her banal reassurances. "Jesse, you were brainwashed, you were told something that they knew, all of them, that Trask guy and his cronies, as well as Werner, would horrify and scare you. You have always, as long as I have known you, been a loyal and trustworthy friend. I've always known that if I have a problem I can come to you and you'll do everything in your power to help me out. They played on that, they played on it so much that in the end your only desire was to keep your friends and family safe and sound, and if that meant alienating those very people, then that was a risk you were willing to take to ensure that their security was guaranteed."
"But bad things did happen; I told Rae about the article in the paper, you know the one, about an alien seducing me." Jesse blushed a deep red and Amanda smiled, "and straight away Levington came and took her and almost killed me. You tell me that isn't something bad happening because I told her."
"Jesse, what happened to you and Rae was bad, it was awful, but it had absolutely nothing to do with you telling her about the article in the paper." Amanda saw with sudden clarity how Jesse could see his whole life going from bad to worse since that awful day when Rae had been kidnapped, raped and finally married to a monster who had been fixated with her from the first day he had laid eyes on her.
"If she hadn't come, I wouldn't have loved her, she wouldn't have known about the newspaper article and all the things that have happened wouldn't have … happened." Even as he said it Jesse found that he no longer believed it quite as much as he had before.
Amanda could see the uncertainty in Jesse's eyes, and she realised that something had changed. "Ok, if Rae hadn't come, I will grant you, some things that were awful wouldn't have happened at all, but neither would far more good things. You have a beautiful wife who loves you, two wonderful daughters, Jesse, how can you not want those things to have happened?"
"I … I don't… and it's not her fault is it? I never blamed her before, not like this, sometimes I've wished she did things differently, but I couldn't even look at her, couldn't let her touch me because if I did I saw Werner looking at me, telling me that my friends would get hurt, and if I saw Werner then I saw aliens."
"Jesse, why did you see Werner when you looked at Rae?" Amanda was confused again, and she had a feeling that there was still something left to be disclosed.
"I wanted to leave, when Werner said I could go, I wanted to, but he would have killed Jo, and I knew she would be dead before I could get anyone to the house to rescue her. I thought if I stayed I could help protect her, but I couldn't, he cut her finger off, he pulled her hair out, and I couldn't do anything. I thought for sure that Steve and Rae would hate me, would see me as the failure I was because I didn't protect their wife and best friend, but they didn't, and first of all I was just so glad to be alive, but gradually it changed, I was so ashamed, and when I would see them I would feel the shame all over again, but they were so nice, and that made it worse. Jo didn't blame me, she told me and I believed her, but I would see pity in Rae's eyes, and I just knew she would tell Steve how she felt, and he would know I had failed too. Werner told me I would fail and that bad things would happen, and somehow when I saw Rae I heard him say that, and everything kept going round and round and I couldn't get free of it. But I wasn't able to tell her that, because if I did then the bad things would happen again… so I didn't, but bad things happened anyway didn't they? Nadine got killed, and Anneya got hurt … I didn't tell, I didn't tell and they still happened …"
Jesse had spoken for a long time, and Amanda had listened intently, but she had felt her heart surge, and felt instantly guilty for it, when she saw Jesse realise that two terrible things had happened, and he hadn't said anything. Fate was just that, fate, no one controlled it or caused it to happen, and if he could keep that in the forefront of his mind, then she had no doubt he would slowly become the Jesse they all loved and missed.