The Routine of Trying To Assassinate Genjo Sanzo and Co.
By: YunCynImaginator
Imaginator: Yes, we know, we know...
YunCyn: Where the heck have we been these past few... hundred months?
Imaginator: (sweat drop) It's true that we have been away for a LONG, LONG, extremely extended amount of time...
YunCyn: But we'll just give you the same old excuse.
YunCynImaginator: Exams.
Imaginator: That's right. Exams. But they're over now so guess what?
YunCyn: That's right!! We're BACK!!
Muses: (mutters)Like some nightmare you can't get rid of...
YunCynImaginator: (battle aura) WHAT!?
Muses: ...enjoythestorygottagobye!!!
(Screams of muses being chased by gun toting Imaginator and saucepan wielding YunCyn)
Disclaimer: We can't even get our History facts right and you want us to own Saiyuki?
It is an infamous fact that somewhere in the west of a mystical land named Togenkyo, the revival of some monster demon was taking place and if left unchecked, this monster would most certainly wreak havoc upon the world.
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Well, we can't have that.
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It's also another infamous fact that a certain party of four guys who have absolutely nothing in common and would love nothing more than to rip each other to pieces were rumbling along in a tough green jeep that could also turn into a white, adorable dragon and heading west to stop said revival of said monster demon.
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And it is yet another infamous fact that these four guys were being chased after by a bishounen red haired prince and his friends for the sutra. But that's not the point.
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The point we are trying to make is this: There's ANOTHER infamous fact that there other hapless assassins who have a desire to erase Sanzo-ikkou's names off the annals of history because they're either in it for the money, the glory or the immortality. Most of us seem to conclude that it is none of the aforesaid intentions.
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It's just that they're stupid.
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Now no matter how inclined we all are to agree with this conclusion, we all know this can't ALL be true. Most youkai have brains. Whether they have little or a lot is a different story entirely but they have brains. Proof would be the numerous youkai that have tried to kill off Sanzo in the most creative of ways. (Pitting Sanzo against Sanzo himself for instance.)
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But there's another conclusion to be made after observing the behaviour patterns of the aforesaid youkai.
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They have no creativity whatsoever.
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There is no change in routine when launching an attack against Sanzo-ikkou. It's the usual scenario: Break In Through Window, Threaten Senselessly, Get Butt Kicked.
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One would think that MAYBE, just MAYBE, there would have been rumours going around the youkai grapevine that this sort of approach would achieve the success rate of complete and utter nil.
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Apparently youkais don't have grapevines.
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Well, the authoresses have researched extensively into the matter (by sending certain muses and plot bunnies into the fray to do the dirty work of spying, observing and running when necessary) and we have come to a startling discovery:
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There's actually a training center where youkais learn how to attack the Sanzo-ikkou.
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We'll let you see it for yourself.
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0530 hours
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"ALRIGHT MAGGOTS!! RISE AND SHINE!!"
Groooan….
Moooann…
Grumble.
"Mommy, five more minutes…"
"UP!! NOW!! AND THAT MEANS YOU FLABBY GUT WONDERS!!"
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0630 hours
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"So? What's on the menu today, Unnamed Youkai #210?"
"Eh, same old, same old."
"What, soggy potato hash AGAIN? No high ranking monk meat? What happened to the immortality providing diet of priest stew we youkais thrived on?! What happened to enlightened-soul-on-a-stick!?
"Deal with it Unnamed Youkai #5033. This ain't no Houtou Castle."
"WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDIN THERE WITH YOUR LIPS FLAPPIN!? QUIT YER COMPLAININ' AND STUFF YOURSELVES!! MOVE!!! MOVE!!! MOVE!!! NOW MISTER BEFORE I MAKE YOU GIVE ME 200 WINDOW BREAKINGS!!"
"Sir!! Yes, sir!!"
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0700 hours
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"ALRIGHT, you lazy no good excuses for demons! It's basic examinations day! Let's see what you girls have learned in training!! #4590!! You're up!! Let's MOVE!!"
"Yes, sir!!"
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0735 hours
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"YOU CALL THAT A WINDOW BREAKING ENTRY, #4590!!? The glass didn't even SHATTER!!"
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0745 hours
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"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN LEARNING, #3128?! DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF!? ARE YOU IN KINDERGARTEN!? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M YOUR MOTHER?! YOU THREATEN BEFORE YOU ATTACK, YOU USELESS SLUG!! GET BACK IN LINE!"
Mutter. "My mother doesn't look like an shaved baboon…"
"WHAT WAS THAT?! BACK TALKING TO AN OFFICER?! DROP AND GIMME 1000 PUSH UPS!! NOW!!"
"ONE, sir! TWO, sir! THREE, sir!..."
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1443 hours
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Pant. "DAMN. I…" Puff. "HATE basic training exams…" Pant.
"Yeah, well, it's over. Time for Threats For Sanzo-ikkou."
"Great. More napping time."
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1500 hours
"Let's see what you've written, #8960…"
"Well, sir?"
"What are you trying to DO, #8960?! Recite poetry to Sanzo?! What IS this- "Good evening, Reverend Sanzo. May I inquire as to whether I can borrow your sutra for just a teensy minute? It would be ever so helpful-" Do you actually think this will WORK?!"
"Well, I think-"
"NO! That's where you went wrong! Don't THINK! I mean, listen to #219's one! The best writer in this class and he deserves that title."
"…sir, he just wrote "DIE."
"EXACTLY!! That's a proper threat! Short, concise, to the point!! AND SUITABLY THREATENING!!"
"With all due respect, sir, it sounds boring."
"AT LEAST it's better than what you've shown me, #8960!! And if you want even flowery language, just look at #9028! "Hand over the sutra or die a painful death, Sanzo!!" You see?! That's a threat! Even if it's long! It's NOT a polite request!!"
"Sigh… yes, sir. Sorry sir."
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1800 hours
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"Ugh… what a day…"
"Hey, at least it's over."
"For now. What IS this stuff?"
"Dried rubber leaves steeped in gravy."
GROAN. "I need monk meat…"
"Hey, cheer up! Wanna go watch the newbies crash through windows?"
"I guess…"
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1930 hours
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"NO, NO, NO!! That's all WRONG, #10340!! You either use your shoulders, your heads or just go right through the glass without thought of personal safety! And you CERTAINLY don't try to open the latch quietly and unsuspectingly!! You must make your presence known!!"
"…then can't I just use the door?"
Horrified gasps.
"How could you even THINK of such a thing?! OF COURSE NOT!! Just for that you drop and give me 500 push ups, #10340!!"
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2000 hours
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"NO!! AMBUSHING DOES NOT CONSIST OF CONSTRUCTING ELABORATE TRAPS AND OTHER MISCELLANOUS CLEVER DEVICES! YOU JUST JUMP OUT OF THE BUSHES OR TREES AND THREATEN THEM!!"
Instructor slaps forehead. "Youkais these days…"
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2100 hours
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"LIGHTS OUT!! EXCEPT IF YOU'RE GOING TO TRY AND KILL THE SANZO-IKKOU AND GET THE SUTRA!!"
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That was as far as we could get from our informants.
To see if this training was applied, we followed Sanzo on one of those normal days.
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Whether days are normal at all for the Sanzo-ikkou is another issue to debate upon at a later time, just in case you feel the need to argue.
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The fabulous four had stopped by another inn on their journey to Tenjiku. They had booked their rooms in the usual manner, partaken of dinner and had paid for it along with the damages done to the inn in the inevitable food fight after Goku discovered that Gojyo had finished off the last of the spring rolls.
Then…
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CRASH!!
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"Idiot, what'd you break down the door for?! Sensei said we were supposed to go in through the window-"
"Shut up!!" The green skinned, newbie leader of the group cleared his throat.
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"SANZO!! HAND OVER THE SUTRA OR DIE!!"
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Sanzo sighed as Hakkai, Goku and Gojyo exchanged smirks and a smile.
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SLASH!! "Y'know, this is SO routine."
"Ah, but it helps us get our exercise, Gojyo!" BOOM!
WHACK! STAB! "I'm hungry…!!"
"AGAIN!?" SLASH!!
"Quit your mindless chattering and finish them off!" BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
"So says our benevolent and beloved leader-"
BLAM!!
"OI!! Are you trying to kill me or something!?"
THUMP.
"No."
"Stupid, no good, corrupted monk…"
"Well, that seems to be the last of them, everyone. Shall we go back and have a game of poker?"
"Sounds good to me, Hakkai."
"Whatever. I need some sleep."
"What are you, some sort of sleep deprived zombie?"
"Korosu."
"Na, Hakkai, can I bring up some ramen to eat from the kitchen?"
Chuckle. "I don't see why not, Goku…"
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After that, they finally retired to their rooms.
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Thus we come to our final conclusion.
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Youkais actually have a place to learn the standard attack Sanzo routine.
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So scratch that idea bout them having brains.
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They are just that dumb.
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The End.
YunCyn: That 'thump' in the Sanzo-ikkou's conversation is the sound of a youkai falling. The usual, aim-for-youkai-behind-Gojyo bit.
Imaginator: You know that no matter what that monk says, he does care for the rest of his little grou-
BLAM!!
Sanzo: Nandato?
YunCynImaginator: Gotta go! Happy Halloween everyone!! (runs screaming with the monk shooting away at authoresses)