A/N After a short break I am now posting this again. Thank you to all of you who are sticking with me. I hope you enjoy. I can't get the scene breaks to be accepted by the site. I apologise if it makes it a little muddled. Tracy

Chapter Twenty – Fine – Everything's just Fine!

Amanda had watched as Jesse had finally fallen asleep on the sofa in the doctors' lounge, and she could already see a difference in him, there was a peace about him that hadn't been there before.

She didn't plan to let him sleep for too long, but she knew that the revelations he had made would have exhausted anyone. It was just over an hour after Mark had left and about twenty minutes since Jesse had nodded off that the door opened and Amanda looked up to see Rae standing in the doorway.

"Hi." The one word came out as a whisper.

"Hi, Rae, are you ok?" Amanda put down the magazine that she had been scanning and smiled up at her friend.

"Yeah, I actually went to sleep, I didn't think I would be able to but I did. Amanda, I'm going back to sit with Anneya, but … but if Jesse wants to come up I'll go, I don't understand why he can't stay with me, but he shouldn't be separated from his child, she needs him right now." Rae turned and left the room, she didn't know what else to say, she could see pity in Amanda's eyes and there was no way she could deal with that.

Steve and Jo were sitting to the side of Anneya's small bed, the little girl's hand lying gently in the much larger hand of her uncle. Although there was no blood relationship between them Steve thought of himself as the child's uncle, just as he did with her sister. The only noise in the room came from the machines banked over on the other side of the bed. Somehow it had seemed inappropriate for them to carry on a conversation and so they had sat, as close to each other as was possible, and just watched Anneya as she lay, unresponsive, unaware of the heavy feeling everyone was carrying in their hearts right now.

Rae stood outside the room looking in through the glass for a while; she watched her two best friends as they sat, their love for each other, as well as her child, obvious to anyone who cared to look. She was transfixed for a moment by the size of Anneya's hand as it rested inside Steve's, the strength and security it represented taking her breath away. Gradually Rae became aware that she wasn't alone, and she turned slightly to see her husband standing just about ten feet away from her.

"Jesse?" Rae smiled; the feeling of hurt that had been caused when he had left her with Anneya was still very close to the surface, but she knew that now was neither the time nor the place to let it loose.

Jesse looked at Rae, he'd been standing just behind her for a minute or two before she realised that he was there. His heart was beating so loudly in his chest that he was sure that he would be disturbing patients. "I don't know if I can do this, but I'll try to sit with you."

Rae nodded, "Ok, for as long as you want, Jesse, then I can go check on Eliana, just tell me when you need me to go." Rae felt uncomfortable and not sure what to say. She couldn't believe that the man she loved so totally could make her feel that way, but once again she knew that it was something that would have to wait to be dealt with.

Jo had looked up and, seeing both Rae and Jesse out in the hallway, had whispered quietly to her husband and now she and Steve were getting up to leave Anneya's room.

"Rae, she hasn't stirred, I wish I could tell you that she has." Jo laid a hand on her friend's shoulder.

"Thank you, Texas, I wish you could tell me that too, but in a way I'm not surprised. Did Alex come up at all while I was asleep?"

"You slept? Good, you needed to do that." Jo hadn't removed her hand and now she squeezed Rae's arm. "No, he didn't, just a nurse checkin' the tubes an' things, she was in an' out in a shake of a puppy dog's tail."

Steve had moved quietly over to where Jesse was standing and he had seen right away that Jesse looked calmer somehow than he had before. "Are you alright with this? I can stay if you can't handle it."

"No, thanks, but no. I have to do this, she's my daughter, Steve, she is fourteen months old, and … and she may be dying, I can't let Rae face that alone, whatever problems and issues I have." Jesse smiled, he could do this, there were a lot of things that he couldn't do at the moment, but this, well, he wouldn't let anyone down, least of all himself.

"Jesse, I'm going to go and sit down, when you're ready come in and we'll take it from there, ok?" Rae looked across at him just for a moment and then she went in and sat in the chair furthest from the door and hoped she wouldn't be alone for very long.

By the time that Jo and Steve got home it was almost three in the afternoon. They had stayed in case Jesse had needed to go, not wanting Rae to be alone any longer than was necessary. Amanda had returned home just before lunch, but she had called to say that Ron and she would come and sit with Anneya through the night so that both Rae and Jesse could get some sleep.

Daniel had called Maddie, the friend that had taught him to box, and between the two of them they had kept Eliana occupied for most of the day. Eliana had been fascinated by her new friend's long blonde hair, and for a little while the two girls had played hairdresser while Daniel had watched in bemused silence.

Sounds of laughter were coming from the morning room as Steve and Jo arrived home and were let into the house by Michael. "Honey, you need to put a hand on a red counter, do you know which one is red?" It was Maddie's voice which reached them first, and then Eliana joined in.

"Es, Miss Amy says good aps are wed, it's … um, that one." Her talking was followed by the sound of a little person slipping and sliding on the plastic mat of the game, and then laughter filled the air once again.

"Ana, hurry up!" Daniel's voice wasn't quite as relaxed as the other two.

Looking at each other Steve and Jo moved towards the door of the most used room in the house, anticipating with a smile what they would find. Daniel was stretched across the floor, with his feet on blue and green circles and both hands on red although very far apart. Maddie was sitting, cross legged next to his head, in charge of the spinner. After the strained day that they'd had they both knew it would be a welcome distraction to be able to join in, or at least watch, the game of Twister that was being played by Daniel, Maddie and Eliana.

By eight that evening Eliana had been fed, bathed and put to bed, tired out but happy. She had asked for her daddy and Steve had put a call through to the hospital so that the little girl could say goodnight before making her way to the nursery.

Finally Steve, Jo, Daniel, Maddie and Michael were alone downstairs, and the Englishman left the room, returning a few moments later carrying a tray with the bottle of champagne he had placed in the refrigerator at Steve's bidding a little earlier on it. Standing up Steve began to talk. "Daniel, I know it seems strange to bring a celebratory drink out, even if it is non-alcoholic, while we are so worried about Anneya, but you joined our family on Friday, and we are so pleased about that. Maddie, I know you understand the importance of this, and we're glad you are here to help us celebrate."

While Steve had been talking Michael had carefully filled five flutes with the non-alcoholic champagne and now the rest of them stood, their glasses raised.

"Daniel, you have come into our lives and made them so much more than they ever were. You have made your mom and me grow and learn a whole lot of things we never even knew we didn't know! Son, we're proud of you, what you are and what you have the potential to become. Daniel Sloan, we love you, welcome to the family."

Steve couldn't say anything else, and so he took a mouthful of his drink. Jo looked at him for an instant, her eyes bright with unshed tears and then she turned to face her son. "Honey, you have made my life complete, I love you too." She leant over and kissed the boy on the cheek, and she knew that he was struggling a little with his emotions as well.

"Thank you, Dad, Mom, I used to dream about what I wanted in my life, but it ended with just having two people who wouldn't leave me, all the love, well I never really thought about that… but …" Daniel paused for a minute and took a mouthful of his drink to cover his confusion and shuddered, "eww, why do people celebrate with this stuff? And it's not even real!" Although not really funny the action and words broke into the tension and the five of them burst into joyous laughter.

Monday morning saw Rae taking over from Ron and Amanda to sit again with her daughter. Jesse had managed to stay with Rae for just over an hour on the Sunday afternoon before they had parted company and she had headed for the station, unable to stay in the hospital and not be with her child. The profile of their red rose killer had been sitting on her desk and she had worked until late in the evening trying to find a match to the characteristics that Ron had identified.

Alex had called her at seven in the morning to tell her that there was no change; as she spoke to him she had already been in to see Eliana as she slept and was on her way to Community General. The morning traffic had been busy and it was almost nine before she found a parking space in the doctors' lot and rushed up in the elevator to get to her daughter.

Ron saw her first and stood up, leaving Amanda to stay with their godchild. "Rae, how are you this morning?"

"I've been better, Ron, thank you for staying with her, I … I'm sorry that I wasn't here when you and Amanda came in … I … I just couldn't stay, not after Jesse asked me to go."

Ron had put a hand on her arm and she smiled up at him, "Don't think anything about it. Amanda has explained a little of what is going on, it's an added stress that you really don't need; if the two of you were together right now we wouldn't have been needed, but we were, and I'm glad we could help."

"Me too, Rae, you know we'll come and sit for as long as you need us, whenever you need us, you just have to ask." Amanda had moved to the doorway of the small ICU room and Rae took her into a hug.

"Thank you, thank you so much. Now, go, get some sleep, and Ron, when I get the chance, I have some files to show you." Rae blushed, suddenly guilty for thinking of work, but it had restored some sanity to her to be able to do what she had the previous evening.

Rae stood and watched as Ron and Amanda headed for the elevator and then she turned and made her way into the now overly familiar room. Her daughter looked so tiny, so frail, and she winced at the sight of the tubes giving Anneya the nutrients and medications that she needed. Rae knew that the first twenty-four hours would have been the most critical, it had been almost forty-eight now and despite the seriousness of the situation Rae felt a little heartened.

"Rae?" She jumped at the sound of the familiar voice and saw Mark standing in the doorway. "Sweetie, how is she this morning?" He came into the room and gently ran his finger down the face of his goddaughter.

"I don't know, Alex hasn't been up yet, I asked a nurse to let him know I was here, I don't like to look at the charts, so I just know that she is still alive, and she hasn't been operated on. That's good, right?" The desperation in Rae's voice tore at Mark's heart and he was glad he could nod his agreement.

"Yes, it is, a very good sign, but I won't lie to you, Rae, she needs to come round, the longer she is unconscious the more worried we will get." Mark felt like a bad guy as he saw his friend deflate.

"I … I know that, I guess I was trying not to think about it." Rae took her child's hand in hers. "I wish she wasn't hooked up to all this stuff, I just want to pick her up and hug her or lie down with her, to hold her, let her know I'm here."

"Honey, she will know, talk to her, tell her all the things you usually do, read her stories, play her music, anything that can start tapping away at her mind; as long as it is quiet no one will bother you."

Rae nodded her head, she had been so wound up in worry that stories or music hadn't occurred to her. "Can you stay? I can go to a book store, I won't be long."

"I can do better than that. You sit here and I will take a visit to the childrens' ward, we have all sorts of books there, I'll bring you up a selection, ok?"

"I don't know what I would do without all of you, thank you, Mark." Rae watched as Mark headed off down the hallway and then she turned back towards her daughter. "Sweetheart, we're just so lucky, you are lucky too, I know you're poorly right now, but we have such good friends, you have Grandpa Mark, who loves you so much, and Aunty Amanda and Uncle Ron, they sat with you all night, Uncle Steve and Aunty Jo, Honey, you have to get better, then we can have a big party, we can thank everyone for helping you and Eliana. Uncle Steve told me that Daniel and Maddie played with her all day yesterday, on second thoughts maybe a party isn't enough, those two deserve a medal, but it would be such fun wouldn't it? You know it won't be long until Christmas, maybe, because you have been such a good girl this year, Santa would come to your party too."

Rae wiped a tear from the corner of her eye; there were other people she could have mentioned, Alex, who, she knew, was doing everything in his power to help her child, Shannon, who had come up to see her and Jesse, bringing hot drinks and snacks in the hour they had been together. Michael, who was also keeping Eliana amused, not an easy task, especially with no Mommy or sister there for her to play with. As Rae finished the list in her mind she froze; the tiny hand held inside hers had moved, she was sure it had, Rae held her breath, almost too scared to move herself and waited, willing and praying her daughter to flex her fingers one more time.

"I beg your pardon?" Steve was trying very hard to be cool, calm and collected, although he felt anything but. His night had been full of dreams where Anneya was crying out but none of them could get to her. Eliana had been calling out colours, telling them where to put their feet, but no matter how hard they tried the part of the game board where Anneya was kept moving away from them. Finally after jolting awake for the third time he had got up, pounding the early morning streets of Beverly Hills for an hour before heading into the station to start work.

Amanda had left a message with the desk to say that they were waiting for Rae to come and relieve them and that she would be in touch again later in the day. She also said that although Anneya was still unconscious she was holding her own. Steve had been considerably cheered by that news, but now, speaking with a detective from the Santa Barbara PD, his mood was deteriorating once again.

"Lieutenant, he seems like a really nice guy. We contacted him about his outstanding parking fines, he apologised profusely and came in and paid all of them off." The officer on the other end of the phone line was called Jed Dubrovski and he spoke as if he needed his adenoids removed.

"Officer Dubrovski, if you had killed someone in an elevator and the cops came round about a couple of parking tickets what would you do?" Steve tried not to growl, but he knew he wasn't succeeding.

"I … I uh, guess I would come in and pay them right away. Sorry, Lieutenant."

"Yeah, me too. Look, I need you to keep an eye on this guy for me for a while, watch what he does, how he behaves. Can you do that?"

"I can, for a while, but unless we have a good reason for watching him my Captain is gonna pull us off in a few days." Dubrovski did indeed sound regretful and Steve took a deep breath before answering.

"I'm hoping that by the end of the week my partner and I will be able to get up and see the guy ourselves. What about where he works, can you do anything there?" Steve knew that John Masters Junior, or Callum Edwards as he had become on adoption, was the founder of a very successful computer software company which specialised in making programmes to learn musical instruments at home with the aid of your laptop or PC. "Does he travel a lot? I don't want to lose sight of him."

"Lieutenant, you seem awful keen to get this guy without putting in a lot of effort yourself. I will keep an eye on him this week, but then no more, not without extra information at any rate."

The phone was slammed down then and Steve stared at the receiver for a few seconds before replacing it. He knew he was being reticent, but he liked his job, and he had a feeling that he could be walking a beat real soon if too many details reached the obviously eager ears of Officer Dubrovski and his captain.

"Hey, Steve, where's Rae? I have a message for her from Martin." Cheryl came happily into the squad room and Steve realised that she had no idea just what a traumatic weekend their friend had spent.

Over a cup of hot coffee Steve told Cheryl everything that had happened, and then listened as she told him her news too.

"The doctors have said that starting next weekend Martin can come home on Friday and not go back until Monday, which is great, but both of us know that it is going to put a real strain on our relationship until we get things worked out. Martin wanted to know if maybe he could visit with Rae and Jesse for a little while to give me a break. I'll explain to him that we will wait a few weeks before we try that."

Martin had been the most seriously injured person in the Werner case to actually survive. The FBI had lost one agent, but although it had been touch and go for a while Martin had pulled through. His career in the police force was over though, and he had suffered serious brain damage. He now not only moved slowly but spoke that way too; Cheryl had described it as watching Martin living in permanent slow motion. She found it very hard to accept his limitations, but they loved each other and that had, in the end, been enough.

Steve's phone had begun to ring then and he had picked it up almost absentmindedly. "Sloan here, oh hi, Honey … about six I would guess, why …? Oh, no I'll wait and find out, yeah, you too, bye." He replaced the handset with a puzzled look, "that was Jo, she had some stuff sent up from Texas, well, it seems as if she has found something, she said she hoped I wasn't going to be late home because there was lots to look at."

"Really, wow, how exciting." Cheryl's eyes were shining with anticipation, "I wonder what she has found, maybe you own another oil well or something, that would be cool."

Steve shook his head, he didn't think that Cheryl, or anyone else for that matter, would understand that a suggestion like that only filled him with dread. As far as he was concerned they had way too much money as it was, and something that took it away would be more welcome than something that increased it. It wasn't his money though, and he knew that however much she tried to persuade herself otherwise, Jo would be unable to live without the relatively few trappings of wealth that she allowed herself, and that the money behind her went a long way towards making her the person that she was.

Jo put the phone down and went back into the morning room and looked once again at the black box on the table. It was, she guessed, about the same size as her laptop, in depth as well as length and width. She had known instantly that it was a jeweller's box, but she had never seen one so big before. The leather had been dulled by age, but the smell was wonderful, and there were no mildew or other marks on its surface. The gold coloured clasp had swung free effortlessly and Jo had opened it with a feeling of great anticipation. The lining had been of a ruby red satin, at least the part that she could see had been ruby red, and she had slammed it shut almost immediately she realised what it contained, and tried to catch her breath.

Eliana had slept until almost nine in the morning, and now she was with Michael in the kitchen having a late breakfast, the decision having been made to keep her home from pre-school for the day. Daniel had gone to school with a note in his bag explaining the changes in his family details, it had been a letter that Jo had waited a long time to write, and it had given her great pleasure to hand it to her son as he left the house.

Now though, having called her husband, checked on Eliana and Michael, rung through to the hospital to see how Anneya was getting on, as well as a few generally pointless chores, Jo knew that she really had no excuse, she had to re-open the box on the table in front of her and so, taking a deep breath, she did just that.

"Grandmamma, what in the world am I supposed to do with all this?" The contents of the box hadn't changed in the time Jo had been away from it, and now hesitantly she slid a hand into the box and felt the different gem stones as they ran over and through her fingers. The box was full of cut emeralds, diamonds, sapphires, rubies and other precious and semi precious stones. The colours caught the sunlight streaming in through the windows and made the gems sparkle even more. Carefully Jo raised her hand and watched as the stones near the edge of her palm and on her fingers ran away from her and back down into the pile below. She was left with green, red, blue and white stones all of them beautiful individually, but almost commonplace when put together.

Jo knew that she was an exceptionally rich woman; she had access to more money than anyone in their right minds would know what to do with. She had at one time been one of the wealthiest women in America, but those days were past. Not because she had squandered her assets, they were still growing daily, even hourly, but because there were people who, on paper, were worth huge fortunes, or who had been in the right place at the right time to turn small fortunes into large ones.

The fact that Jo no longer saw her name in the top ten wealthiest Americans hadn't caused her to lose any sleep, but David had been concerned, although Jo knew it would only be because Miss Prissy Knickers was worrying about her inheritance. Her brother was used to being rich, just as she was, there was nothing she could do about it, and all the money she, and everyone else on the list, had couldn't stop their details being published for everyone to see. At least she had made her money with something respectable like oil and cattle, although the mad cow disease crisis had hit that hard, and not those funny little beanie things or stories about superheroes who save mankind over and over again. The image of David's future wife came up in her mind and she began to think again, Miss Prissy Knickers, Jo wondered what she would do if she could see the box on the breakfast table right now. Well these were hers, all hers, and she wasn't sharing them with anyone! Suddenly Jo slammed the lid back down on the box, if they were going to make her think that way then she would give them away on street corners. She shuddered and then moved the picture on the wall over to one side of her, opened the safe hidden behind it and placed the box inside. Once that was done she picked up the phone again and put a call through to Gilbert her lawyer, because she had a feeling that even her contents insurance wouldn't cover this.

Rae had pressed the buzzer by the bed over and over until a nurse had come hurrying towards her. "Yes, Mrs Travis, is there something wrong?" The nurse knew that none of the machines were going off, nor were they due to be cleaned.

"Can you get Alex, Doctor Martin, up here please, she moved her hand, she moved her fingers, I felt her, I really did feel her." Rae could also feel the tears as they welled up in her eyes and she blinked them back; now wasn't the time to lose control.

Five minutes later Alex was standing next to her taking Anneya's vital signs, making notes on her charts, and talking to her the entire time.

"Anneya, Sweetie, it's Uncle Alex, can you hear me?" He carefully picked up her hand and let it fall back into Rae's own. There was no response, but Rae could tell that he was pleased with how things were going now. "Rae, it may be a little while before she moves again, she will be very weak, and moving her hand could wear her out. But it is a good sign, a very good sign … Did you tell Jesse?"

Rae had shaken his head. "No, he had an appointment with Doctor Yung this morning, I didn't want to interrupt at the wrong moment, so I left a message with her secretary, and she promised she would get it to him as soon as she could."

"Well, hopefully by the time he gets here she will be moving her hand again, or even opening her eyes, but it will still be a very long road, you know that don't you?" Alex had sat down next to Rae, wanting to get across that even when Anneya came to, she would still be very ill, and not only that but any permanent damage that she had sustained would begin to become obvious.

"I know, Alex, but thank you for telling me. I have to be positive, because … well, because the alternative is just too awful to even contemplate." Rae swallowed hard as she finished speaking, they both knew what she meant, and neither of them was willing to think about that, not yet.

"I know, but I just had to mention it…"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Rae, Alex, I'll come back in a little while." The two friends turned as they heard Mark's voice in the doorway and saw him standing there, a little awkwardly with a pile of children's books in his arms.

"Mark, she moved her hand, I felt her, isn't that wonderful?" Rae smiled and Mark carefully put his books down so that he could take her into a hug.

"Rae, I am so glad … do you want me to find Jesse for you?" Mark saw her shake her head and listened as she told him where her husband was. Mark then looked across at the small child on the bed, and although his heart sang at the improved prognosis, its song was sad because he knew that nothing yet guaranteed a happy ending.

Jesse had caught Amanda before she left the hospital and asked her to go with him to see Lauren so that between them they could explain what had happened on the Sunday. For the first half an hour the two of them had gradually gone over the whole conversation that had taken place in the doctors' lounge, and then a tired but relieved Amanda had made her excuses and left. For a minute or two the room had been silent and then Lauren had begun to speak.

"Jesse, I am so very sorry about what has happened to Anneya, do you know how she is this morning?"

"Yeah, there has been no real change." Jesse had found himself going over various treatments and problem in his mind as he had waited for Lauren to see him. It had been a strange sensation, but he had realised that before the abduction it would have been what he would have done without even thinking about it. For him to be doing it again, even though he was thinking about it had to be a good sign.

"Jesse, you know I would have rearranged this appointment today so that you and Rae could be at your little girl's bedside." Lauren had smiled but inwardly she was thinking of her own child, older than Anneya, but about the same age as Eliana and she resolved to take a couple of days vacation time and spend it with him before the week was out.

"I know, and maybe if I hadn't talked with Amanda I would have cancelled it, but I need you to help me work through what I said, help me to understand what it all means, and what I have to do to stop myself from feeling this way." Jesse was turning his hands over and over in his lap, although he didn't realise it, and Lauren knew that for possibly the first time since he had been released at the end of the Don Werner case Jesse was opening up to her.

"Jesse, what you told Amanda was a huge step forward for you, but on its own it isn't enough, by coming here today you are showing me that you know it isn't enough. But I need to know what you want to achieve." Lauren had taped all of Jesse's appointments with her, and as she put a new tape into the machine she realised that it was the first time since his capture and release that she had needed to do so.

"I want my life back, I want to be trusted enough that I can practice medicine again, I … I don't want to be scared any more." Jesse looked down and seeing his hands moving placed one on top of the other.

"What are you scared of, Jesse?"

"Everything." Jesse said the word so quickly that even he knew it was a lie, an excuse, something to hide behind, because if he was scared of everything he wouldn't have to list those things that caused him the greatest fear.

"Ok, well, I have an hour or so, which bit of everything to you want to start with?" Lauren smiled as she spoke, and saw Jesse smile too, although in an embarrassed way.

"I guess you've heard that one before, huh?"

"Oh yeah, so shall we start again?" She waited for an accepting nod and then when she got it carried on talking, "What are you scared of, Jesse?"

This time there wasn't a quick all-encompassing answer but a pause that seemed to carry the weight of the world with it. "I'm afraid that if I let the thoughts take a hold they will overwhelm me, that bad things will happen, but if I ignore them, then … well, then they will stay hidden."

"Jesse, if I told you I keep getting a pain in my side, that it started underneath my navel, but now it is further down in my abdomen on the right hand side, I've had it for a while now, but after about four hours it stops and I can forget all about it."

At first Jesse had been worried, thinking that Lauren was telling the truth, but now he had a feeling that she was just using this as an example. "I would say that you need to get yourself to the ER because you could have appendicitis."

"But it goes away, and if I don't think about it while it isn't hurting, well, everything is ok, so I just take a couple of strong painkillers, grab me a hot water bottle and wait for it to stop."

"But you if you keep doing that it could change to peritonitis and that can kill you." Jesse looked at her, she seemed worried, there was uncertainty around her eyes and he became concerned once more.

"You can't die from just a little pain, and the tablets make it stop."

"Lauren, is this real? Do you really get this pain, because if you do, I mean it, you really need to get it treated."

"Well, I guess that each time I get the pain it is a little worse than the time before, but in between there is no problem, and life is fine."

"Lauren!" Jesse was on his feet now and moving around the desk, even if he couldn't work in the ER at the moment, he was still a practicing doctor, he needed to check her out.

"Jesse, sit down, just sit down and listen to me." There was no room for argument in her tone and so Jesse did as he was told.

"I am fine, ok, you don't need to worry, just listen," Lauren smiled before continuing, "when your keep your fears hidden does it make them go away?" Lauren watched him shake his head, "and when something brings them to the surface are they worse than the last time, or can you control them?"

"I could … first of all it was just dreams, and I slept downstairs, away from Rae, she never knew how bad they got, she asked if I was sleeping ok, and I said that I was fine as long as I had the bed to myself."

"What changed it?" Lauren knew that she could drop small questions into the conversation, it had always worked before, in fact Jesse seemed to be aided by her doing so.

"I found a box, it used to have gauze wraps in it, and Eliana had taken them out. It must have gotten kicked under the table in the hallway and missed when we cleaned, and … and when I saw it there I was in Werner's garage." For a moment Jesse was silent, as if reliving the flashback again, and then he began to speak, very softly, and Lauren leant forward in her seat to hear him better.

"I didn't know where it was, not right off, I just knew it was a real scary place, and that something bad happened there. But each time that it happened I remembered more and more, I knew what had gone on, I could see it all, the … the cages, and the smell, I still don't know what it was, but it just smelt different …" He paused for a moment as if realising something for the first time. "Fear, maybe what I could smell was fear, I was just so scared, and I felt so bad about that, Jo was so brave, and I couldn't help her, he … he mutilated her, he made her put her finger into a guillotine and he pushed the blade down through her finger … and I couldn't help, I'm a man, I'm a doctor and I did nothing." The admission, some of which was being made for the second time in two days, was as far as Jesse got; he looked around him as if expecting something to fall on him too and then gradually, as if he was letting out a deeply held breath, began to relax.

"Jesse?" Lauren wasn't sure what was going on in her client's head, but something was, something more than just the relief of talking, more than an admission of sorts, and she waited, hoping that he would be able to tell her what it was.

"Sometimes, sometimes in the middle of the night when I was wide awake and unable to get back to sleep I would imagine myself in that garage, I thought that if I could think through the whole thing without feeling scared that I would be able to get on with my life, and I could do that you know, I really could."

"Do what?" Lauren was a little confused now, because she knew that the one thing that Jesse hadn't been able to do was get on with his life.

"I could think it all through without feeling scared. That bit didn't scare me, but now it does, when I told you now how I felt about Jo and what happened to her, I could feel the shame, the fear just like when I was there, so why does it feel … I don't know, better than not feeling at all?" Jesse looked at her, his face for once an open book showing his longing to understand.

"Jesse, you know that I think you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, don't you?" Lauren knew she had told him, but he had, as he was now realising, been shutting out the thoughts he couldn't handle.

"Yeah, I know that."

"Well, what you are doing now is taking the first steps on the road to recovery. If you follow it all the way to the end you will be able to function like you did before all of this happened, and I think that is what you want isn't it?"

"Oh yes, but …" Jesse stopped talking and once again his feelings were etched on his face.

"But what?"

"How can I be like I was before? If I am then all I will be doing is denying that any of this happened, and that's what I've been doing all along."

Lauren smiled, "No, what you were doing before was detaching yourself from your feelings, but if you face them and move on then they take their place in your memory along with all your other memories and you can, to a certain extent, choose when to visit with them. Up until now you have cut yourself off from them so that you didn't have to accept them."

For a minute Jesse thought through what he had heard, said and done. "But today, today I told you things voluntarily, like I did with Amanda, and … I survived." His face broke into a happy smile, one which, for the first time in a very long while, reached all the way to his eyes.