Chapter 23 – Journeys
Rae looked at her daughter for a moment, taking in how she was lying, the fact that her eyes were closed and she seemed to be fast asleep, then she moved around the small bed and crouched down in front of Jesse and steadied herself by putting her hands on the floor where he could see them. "Jesse, does it make it harder if I'm this close?" Rae wasn't sure what the best thing to do was and she didn't want to make things worse.
"No, no, that's ok. I … I want to be able to be with you, I'm sorry." Jesse put his head in his hands and then ran his fingers through his hair; when he looked up again he tried a smile but it didn't reach his eyes.
"Ok, well, that's a start, isn't it? I mean, this time last week you didn't want to be in the same room with me, and now, well now look, we're sharing the same corner!" This time the smile that Rae got was a real one and she shifted position so that she was actually sitting on the floor. "Sorry, but I'm too old for crouching." Again she didn't want to scare him, and so every movement she made was being explained, as if, she realised, she was talking to a frightened child.
"Is … Is Anneya all right?" Jesse looked up and he could see his daughter, so small and still on the bed.
"Yes, she's sleeping, and I don't think either of us will be able to stay down on the floor for too long."
"No, you're probably right … Rae," He paused, not sure how to continue, but knowing he had to. "I'm having trouble sorting out my feelings, not just for you, but about me, about what happened, and I'm sure it's gonna take a good while yet before I'm ready to go back to how things were." Jesse stopped talking, he knew that however he worded this he was going to hurt her, but he also knew that if he stopped now, if he closed back down, then he may never be in a position to free himself of his problems with her again.
Daniel had wandered around the house like a lost soul for about an hour before Michael heard something smash and made his way speedily into the living room. A large clear glass dish was now a thousand pieces on the floor and Daniel was sitting in a chair, blood dripping from one of his hands and tears pouring down his face.
"Master Daniel, have your hurt yourself badly, Sir?" Michael silently cursed himself for letting the boy alone for too long. He had known that there would be myriad conflicting emotions in Daniel's head, but he had thought to leave him to sort things out for himself, at least for a while. Miss Eliana had needed care too, and he had ended up showing her how to make sugar cookies ready for lunch. She was now eating the results whilst sitting on the bottom stair where he had told her to stay. He knew from experience that she would do just as he told her, although he also knew that her obedience wouldn't last for long.
"No … M, I'm … ok." Daniel scrubbed at the tears with his uninjured hand and then took a deep breath before speaking again. "I'm sorry about the glass, I'll clean it up in a minute, and I'll tell Mom what happened."
"Maybe you would like to tell me first, while we are cleaning up your hand and making sure that there is no crystal in it."
"Crystal? Oh, man, I broke an expensive one, huh?" He paused for a moment before speaking again. "Look around, how could it not be expensive?" The tone of the boy's voice was one that Michael couldn't place, and so he just indicated that Daniel should leave the room and then he closed the door on it so that Eliana couldn't hurt herself as well.
"Oh, poor, Danl, let Yana see." Eliana saw the way that Daniel was holding his hand and rushed to his side, her cookie forgotten. "Miss Amy says water good for bud."
Daniel had to smile; Miss Amy had become Eliana's constant companion since the little girl had started pre-school. He'd never had the chance to go to any type of kindergarten, in fact school had been a luxury, his birth mom had loved him, he knew that, but she hadn't seen the point in education and so some days he went, but most days he didn't. He'd certainly never hero-worshiped a teacher like Eliana did, and not for the first time he wondered what Miss Amy looked like.
Daniel's thoughts had taken him to the kitchen and Michael began to tend to his hand. Eliana pushed a cookie into the other one and smiled a big biscuit-crumby smile at him. "You eat, you poorly boy, you eat."
"Yes, Ma'am, whatever you say." Daniel nodded his head, but he felt a little sick and didn't really think he could face the gift he had just been given. Suddenly he winced as he felt Michael carefully work on the glass shards in his palm, but then smiled again at the little child now resting her hand on his leg and stroking it gently.
"Steve, Honey, please, sit down." Jo was sitting on the bed in the same private suite that she had been in when everyone had been infected by a secret pathogen that she had inadvertently spread amongst her friends. She felt incredibly tired, and wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and rest, but Steve was pacing up and down and she felt obliged to stay awake.
"I … I can't, I just need to know, Jo, how can it take so long? Dad knows how worried we are."
"Steve, he hasn't been gone long, now please, I just feel ill an' I want to know what is wrong so I can go home to bed." Jo lay back down and put her head on the cool pillow. She wasn't hot or feverish, but she was anxious, and still very tired.
Steve stood and watched as Jo's eyes finally closed, and he wondered if his constant movement had been what was keeping her awake. He sat back down on the sofa in the living area part of the room and tried not to think about the fact that his wife was in the hospital, he was supposed to be a big tough cop, and right now he was scared to death.
Jo's breathing quietened and evened out and Steve got to his feet once more, but he moved into the hallway before he recommenced his pacing, knowing that he would disturb her otherwise. The room next to Jo's was, he remembered, where he had slept just the one night while they waited to see whether anyone else was infected with whatever it was Jo had been carrying. He recalled going to bed, and then nothing, not until he woke up feeling as though he'd had an exceptionally good night's sleep and finding instead that he had been at death's door. Death's door he had to stop thinking that way, she felt ill and hadn't slept well and here he was pacing a corridor and definitely over-reacting.
Looking back the trip to the beach had been futile, it had been cold, and windy, once he'd gotten on the sand and Dominic hadn't enjoyed himself at all, he guessed sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. He had decided instead to go back to Santa Monica Place, sitting there calmed and refocused him. The time hadn't been totally wasted, Matthew had done as he had been told to at the police station, but Dominic wanted some more action, life had been too quiet since Nadine, and he knew that he had to find someone else to love, someone else to hold and touch and … and he needed to do it now. The memory of his thoughts and the cold wind made Dominic shiver, and he sat at the kitchen table looking through the Sunday paper trying to work out what to do with his day. As he flicked through the international headlines his cell phone began to ring and checking the number first he answered it. "This is Dominic … well, hi, Thomas … no, I can do that, it's a long time since I was up that way … no, no, I understand that … yeah, I'll pack a bag and come see you this afternoon … bye … yeah, bye."
Dominic put the cell phone down on the table and ran a hand around his chin, San Francisco, it was a long time, like he'd said, since he'd been there, but maybe now was a good time to go back, stir things up in that town again and get paid for doing it. Dominic stood up and headed for his bedroom, he would need to be smart, not only while he was out of town, taking part in a hairdressing competition, but today, his boss wouldn't want him looking like a tramp even if he was only going to be driving to the airport and sitting on a plane.
The clothes in the closet were all smart, but they were also all designated different uses. The suit and the perfectly pressed white shirts, all back from the cleaners, were hanging carefully to one end of the rail and only used for dates, as were the black jeans and shirt next to them, the blue jeans and slightly more casual white shirts were what he wore for work, and so he took out two of each and hung them into a suit carrier. He then changed into a pair of olive green cords and a slightly darker t-shirt and slid his feet into a pair of black loafers. Ten minutes and he was good to go.
In the end it had been about an hour before Mark came out of the elevator on the private floor of Community General, only to be almost flung back in again by the desperate words of his son.
"Dad, where've you been? Tell me; tell me what's wrong, please." Steve saw his dad take a step back, and he realised that he was shouting. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that, but you have been so long."
"I got a little caught up but, Steve, it just feels as if I've been a while because for some reason you're getting yourself into a state."
"So tell me what the matter is and I'll calm down." Steve was having to hold himself almost totally still so that he didn't grab his father's arm and pull him into the private suite behind him.
"I think that we ought to go in and I can discuss it with you and Jo together." Mark looked down at the chart in front of him, running his finger along some words as he did so, and Steve could see that there were all sorts of different emotions crossing his face.
"Ok, if that's what you want to do, you're the doctor." Steve moved into the room and, with his back turned, didn't see the look of disbelief on Mark's face as he realised what his son had just said.
Jo looked beautiful, relaxed and at peace, as she slept. Her hair, longer than she usually let it get, was curled over one shoulder as if she had purposely put it there, and the white streak was visible only as it coiled in and around itself. Steve looked at her peaceful face for a moment before touching her gently on the shoulder. "Jo, Honey, you need to wake up." Steve looked over at his dad, who was still checking at the chart in front of him. There was no response from his wife and so he gently shook her again. "Jo, come on sleepy head, time to wake up."
"Mmm, what, Honey?" Jo turned slightly, realised that she wasn't in her own bed and opened her eyes. As she saw the anxious face of her husband looking down at her she remembered where she was, and why she was there. "Oh, my, your daddy, he knows somethin', yes?"
"Yes, Sweetie, I know something, and I thought I ought to come and share it with you as soon as I could."
"Dad, just tell us." Steve again heard his voice raise and he knew that he really needed to get his feelings under control. He hadn't thought anyone but his father could get him this anxious and worried, but now he knew different.
"I think she needs to see this chart first, and then we can discuss it." Mark handed the papers to his daughter-in-law and then put his hand over his mouth. Steve was horrified, and moved across to him, thinking that his dad might be as worried as he was.
"Dad?"
"Oh, my, Mark! An' you're sure, really sure?" Jo looked up, and the expression on her face did nothing to appease Steve's fears, she looked dumbstruck, scared and dumbstruck.
"Yes, Honey, I am, absolutely sure."
"Dad!"
Mark couldn't take it any more, he looked at Jo who nodded, and then he turned back to his son, and now Steve could see that Mark had been hiding a huge grin. "Congratulations, Son, you and Jo are gonna be parents."
Rae had listened as first of all Jesse had explained to her what had happened with Lauren, how he had spoken with Amanda, and then told the same things to his therapist. She had said very little, just asking the odd question here and there, when what she really wanted to do was to take him in her arms and tell him that now he was here, now he could talk to her, everything would be ok, but she knew, in her heart, that there was no guarantee of that.
"Jesse, do you think that if you get your fears and your feelings sorted out that you will ever be able to love me again?" Rae stood up as she spoke, she needed an answer, desperately, but she wasn't sure if she could deal with it.
"Oh, Rae." The words came out softly and with such compassion that Rae swung round to face him, and she found Jesse standing too, his face a picture of sadness.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked … excuse me." Rae couldn't take the pity that she thought she saw, the obvious feelings that were now so far from what they used to be that he could no longer even say that he would try to love her again.
"Rae, wait." Jesse moved after her, but he heard his daughter stir in the bed beside him and, not knowing who to turn to first, he decided that Anneya needed him more and that he and Rae would have time to talk when she was fully recovered.
"Parents … you mean … we're … what?" Steve's eyes darted from his father to his wife and back again, he was rooted to the spot where he had stood since his dad had given him the news, "What?"
"Son, you're babbling, Jo is pregnant, she's gonna have a baby!" The grin Mark had tried so hard to hide was now a permanent feature, and he moved across to where his daughter-in-law was sitting on the bed in the sleeping half of the room.
"Dad, you mean she's not ill, she doesn't have anything wrong with her, she's just …" Steve ran out of words as the meaning of what his dad had said finally sank in and then he too just beamed.
"Honey, how are you feeling now?" Mark automatically felt for her pulse, and then gently laid the back of his hand across her forehead.
"I still feel sick an' just generally yucky, but now I know why, well, it's all of a sudden not so bad." Jo smiled at Mark and he leant over and kissed her gently on the cheek.
"Well, I will leave you two together to ponder your wonderful news, if you call down when you're ready to go home I'll come back and discharge you." Mark clapped his son on the shoulder as he passed him and laughed to himself as Steve just rode the slap without any acknowledgement of him at all. The hallway was deserted as he stood waiting for the elevator and Mark let all the feelings of delight rush to the surface, he knew that Jo would worry, and that Steve would fret, but he would just be able to stand a step or two back and enjoy it all – he was gonna be a grandpa again, this time to a little baby.
"Steve, Honey, come an' sit down on the bed with me." Jo had laughter in her voice as she spoke. Her big tough husband, a man who did so many dangerous things in the line of duty, that she couldn't even begin to think about them, was totally floored by the fact that she was pregnant. "Steve." She stood up and moved over to him, and as she did so she saw the pleasure, the wonderment on his face, and she knew that he was thinking ahead, months ahead, to when they would have a baby of their own, and that knowledge made her love him even more.
Rae had rushed out of the room and then frozen to the spot, the sound of her daughter's cry stopping her momentum, and she swung round, and looked back in through the door, the irony of her position not lost on her. Now she was afraid to go in the room, to be with a husband who no longer loved but only pitied her, she was scared just as he had been. But as she stood there the doctor in Jesse was so apparent, the love and expertise that he put into every moment of his working life so clearly still there, that she relaxed a little and watched as he pressed the buzzer and then began speaking to their little girl, who was crying.
"Hey, Sweet Pea, what's all this noise? It's ok, Daddy's just gonna take your temperature, and check a few things, and then we'll let Uncle Alex come and take a look at you." Anneya didn't seem to respond to his voice, but when he picked up her tiny hand she turned to look at him, and cried a little louder.
"Dada."
The tears rushed to Jesse's eyes, all his training went out of the window and he was just that, her daddy, he crouched down so he was at eye level with his child and then as she held her arms out to him he pulled her close and held her tightly, the tears sliding down his cheeks as he did so.
The flight to San Francisco had been quick and easy, Dominic had sat, an unread magazine on his lap, and let his mind wander as he flew. He thought about Juliana and the day they had met in Santa Barbara, of Sam and Jenna and the fun he'd had with them. Nadine, he tried not to think too much about her, that would have to be sorted when he got home, Mary Sue, he smiled to himself, she had been fun, the day had been fun too, and then there had been Tanisha. Tanisha had lived in San Francisco, they had done the touristy things, visited the Golden Gate Bridge, travelled on the cable cars, lunched in Golden Gate Park, it would be good to do that again.
The disembarkation announcement over the speaker broke into his thoughts and he stood up to pull his bag down from the luggage compartment above him, smiling at the woman in the seat next to him as he did so. She was young only about twenty-five or six, but she was Japanese and had jet black hair.
Dominic had arranged with the salon to stay in San Francisco for a whole week. The competition was two days of heats and then the semi finals and finals, but he figured if he was gonna cover for that wimp George who had cried off at the last minute he deserved to get something out of it, and a little R & R in a familiar city sounded good to him.
He made his way down the aisle of the plane and into the airport buildings, the sky was a deep azure blue through the windows and Dominic smiled to himself, he knew that this was going to be a very productive stay.
The journey home had been made in almost total silence. Steve had tried his hardest not to fuss and let Jo get into the car without him manhandling her, but it hadn't been easy and he'd had to bite his tongue not to keep asking if she was ok all the way back to Beverly Hills. By the time he drew up in front of the garage though she was looking a little grey again and he rushed round, opened the door and helped her out, his face showing his concern as he did so.
"Thank you. Think I'll be usin' Shank's Pony for a little while, my body doesn't seem to like the sensation of travellin' in a car." Jo leant in to him, grateful not only for his help but the feel of his strong arms around her and the sound of his heart in her ear.
"But it won't last for long, just the first trimester, right?" Steve pressed the button on his remote control and listened as his car locked itself. "Which is what, about another two months?"
"Yeah, somethin' like that. But it could last the whole nine months!" Jo smiled wanly up at him.
"You're kidding!" Steve looked horrified, and he could tell by her face that she most definitely wasn't kidding.
"I had a friend in Texas, she was so ill with mornin' sickness they kept her in the hospital for a month because she was dehydrated from bein' sick all the time."
"Thank you, you will be fine, I refuse to think like that, you are gonna be just great, ok?"
"But what if I'm not, what if the pre-eclampsia comes back?" The look on Jo's face almost broke Steve's heart, and he pulled her a little closer to him. "Now isn't the time to think about that, we have two people in the house who are worried sick about you, let's go and cheer them up shall we?" Steve could see Michael waiting just inside the front door, he hadn't opened it and was trying to be unobtrusive, but now that he knew the two of them were in the front yard he would wait to let them in.
"I'm sorry, I was tryin' all the way home not to think like that, yes, let's go tell Daniel he is gonna have a brother or sister." The smile on Jo's face, although still a little shaky, showed Steve that she was excited about the new baby just as he was.
Alex had spent, it seemed to Rae, almost all afternoon with Anneya. She hadn't known what time he arrived, but it was after five before he left. Now that the little girl was more aware of her surroundings he started some of the tests that would need to be done to ascertain what lasting damage, if any, she had sustained.
Before taking her back to have another CAT scan Alex explained to Rae that the seizures had been caused by a swelling of the brain. The machines that she had been hooked up to had shown three other seizures all of which Rae had witnessed, her horror and dread increasing with each of them. The list of conditions that could either linger or be caused by the accident shocked Rae, and she had been overwhelmed by the thought of the struggle her little girl would have to go through before she got back to anything like a normal life again.
Anneya had taken a drink of juice and eaten a few pieces of cut up fruit while they had been talking, not showing much interest in what was going on around her, and then she had snuggled up against Jesse's chest and fallen fast asleep.
"You will probably find that for at least a month she is sleeping way more than she used to. In a way when she goes home it'll be just the start of her recovery; real life will throw up all sorts of obstacles and many of them, that wouldn't have caused any type of problem before, will do so now." Alex was watching the little girl almost continually, making sure that he didn't miss any behavioural differences in her.
"I … I don't understand what you mean." Rae's voice was a little hushed so that she didn't wake her sleeping child.
"Rae, things that she could do just fine before she had her accident may be beyond her when she gets home, she will have to learn them all over again. Some things she may never regain, it depends on whether she suffered brain damage or not." Jesse was stroking Anneya's hair as he spoke, not wanting to meet Rae's eyes with news he realised could devastate her, but gradually he slowed his hand to a stop and the little girl reached up and gave it a push.
"Because … because of the seizures or the fall or both, right?" Rae could feel the knot in her stomach getting larger by the minute. She had so wanted Anneya to just wake up and everything be fine again. Now she knew that hadn't happened.
"Yes, that's right." Alex nodded his head and then smiled what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "We'll keep a close eye on her; she'll need to come in to be checked over regularly to start with. But she is a little better, Rae, and if her scans come back showing improvement we can start thinking about her future.
"I want her to get her appetite back, but if all her readings and results are good, I see no reason to keep her here, she will get better quicker if she's home with all her fami … familiar things around her." Alex paused, he'd been going to say 'family', but realised that Jesse was still living at the beach, and he had no idea when, if ever, he would be going back to Beverly Hills.
Jo had let herself be cosseted by all the men in her life, and about ten minutes after she arrived home she was on the sofa in the living room, the throw, which had spent most of the day being driven around LA, over her. She was propped up against the arm at one end with cushions behind her back, there was a cup of herbal tea on the occasional table next to her and a slightly screwed up cookie on a plate beside it.
"What did Grandpa Mark say?" Daniel had made himself comfortable as close to his mother as he could get, and the anxiety was shining alongside the love in his eyes. He had explained to his mom about his hand, which now had a large band-aid across the palm. She had realised that the dish he had broken had been worth about $600 and although she had it on a table to hold small pieces of fruit it was in fact a caviar bowl with a beautiful long stem lifting it up off its base, at least it had been, now it was gone. Once Daniel had realised that his mom forgave him for his accident he had kissed her and put the incident to the back of his mind, and he was listening intently to every word she said.
"Well, you know that your dad tends to over-react just a little." Jo looked at her husband as she spoke and saw him smile at her. She had a feeling that right now she could say almost anything and get the same smile.
Steve looked down at the little child playing with a jigsaw on the carpet a feeling of anticipation surrounding him as he did so.
"But then Moms do that too."
The dark head was raised and Eliana's chin wobbled a bit. "Mommy wiv Neya at v hops tiple. I want … I want Mommy." A large tear stole down her cheek as Steve moved across, picked the little girl up and held her on his lap.
"Honey, Mommy will be back real soon, but you can stay with Aunty Jo and me until then, ok?" Steve planted a kiss on the soft smooth cheek and was pleased when Eliana smiled and nodded her head. "You wanna play some more?" His goddaughter shook her head and moved a little in his arms, she had been awake all day and now that she had her Unki Teve back the sleeplessness was turning into tiredness and, with a small, dainty yawn, she closed her eyes and took hold of his hand.
"I'll just drink my tea an' eat this wonderful cookie, then when that little lamb is fast asleep we can carry on talkin' ok?" Jo leant over and picked up her cup, she blew on the pale liquid before drinking some of it down.
"It is lemon tea, Madam, I know you prefer it and it seems to cheer you up." Michael was concerned, Miss Josephine still seemed pale and anxious to him.
Steve carefully got to his feet and laid the now sleeping child in one of the large burgundy arm chairs both of which were empty. He took the throw from the back of it and covered her over, as he had done with his wife just a few minutes earlier. Then with a smile at what was about to happen he turned and nodded at Jo.
"Like I just said Mom's tend to overreact as well. Daniel, Michael, we have somethin' to tell you both, no one else, but your Grandpa Mark knows. You are the two most important people in our lives, but there is gonna be a third important person. I am gonna be a mom again." Jo paused and saw the realisation dawn on Michael's face. He began to smile broadly, but Daniel sat there still waiting for more information.
"I don't understand, how can there be another important person, is Eliana gonna stay here?" Daniel looked across at the sleeping child; he loved her dearly, but knew that what he said couldn't be correct.
"No, Honey, she will go home the moment her sister comes home from the hospital. Daniel … I'm gonna be a mom again because I'm gonna have a baby." Jo had taken her son's hand in her own as she spoke, and for a moment they sat in silence, but then he pulled back from her.
"A baby? You're gonna have a baby?" He didn't know what else to say, his feelings were suddenly upside down, turned around and totally mixed up. He'd just been taken into this family, was legally one of them and it wasn't enough any longer, now they were gonna have a real son or daughter, and it wasn't going to be him. With his feelings totally out of control Daniel stood up, turned and left the room without another word, leaving his shocked mom and dad to look on in stunned silence.