Date begun: 12th November, 2004
Date finished: 21st December, 2004
Song Credits: Ross Wilson and Eris O'Brien, Icehouse, Pam Reswick, Mandy Moore, Lamb, Blane and Martin, Kelly Clarkson, traditional Silent Night and Melinda Schneider
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to the writer; they remain property of Channel Seven and Southern Star
Dedication: for Jenny and Camille
© Riss 2004
Wish Upon a Star
The spirit of Christmas will always be
The wonder and the mystery
It's a spirit of kindness, a love that grows
No-one's alone anymore
Tess wondered around the store, pushing the pram in front of her, trying to take everything in. There was so much to look at and she couldn't wait until her daughter was old enough to appreciate it all. Even though she didn't tell many people, Tess adored Christmas. She loved everything about it, and growing up, it had been Tess's favourite time of the year, and it still was.
But as Tess wondered through the store in Melbourne's busy shopping district that Saturday morning, she heaved a sad sigh quietly. While this was Nicole's first Christmas, therefore a very special occasion in which Tess wanted to show her the magic of Christmas, Tess felt very much alone, despite having her favourite person in the world right there with her. Nicole had already arrived at the smiling stage, and smiled at most things, which always bought a smile to Tess's own face, and she leaned down, looking into the pram and caught Nicole smiling her chubby little smile at a carousel on the shelf that danced and sung merrily around. Tess had no doubt Nicole would share her mothers love of Christmas as she grew up, and Tess felt pleased. It was yet another thing they shared.
It was just Tess and Nicole in their little house in Melbourne, just outside of the CBD of the city. While Tess had quickly turned it into a home when she moved there, to stop her missing Mt Thomas, the place still lacked something that Tess wouldn't admit, even to herself. And so she and Nicole shared a quiet life, in a leafy suburb of Melbourne. They went for walks everyday, Tess showing her daughter all the world had to offer, and Nicole often just stared wide eyed at it all, until something would catch her eye and that little smile would appear. Tess would watch her and she just knew Nicole's mind was turning over a million things a second. She was going to be just like her mother, always interested, always wanting to find out things and setting the record straight for her own satisfaction. It made Tess smile.
Tess and Nicole continued to wonder through the store, admiring the decorations, trees and gifts. No wonder Tess loved Christmas so much; there was just that little special something about it. That little bit of magic. The way the ornaments glittered, the festive music that played and the kindness portrayed by the human spirit. It made her feel warm inside.
By the days end she had bought a wide selection of new decorations and ornaments to deck out their home with. Whether Tess felt lonely or not, she was going to make her house a Christmas treasure trove.
Later that night, Tess spread out a blanket in the floor of the living room and laid Nicole down on it. On the couch were boxes of Christmas decorations from the years past, as well as her bags from the days shopping trip. She dug around in the bags and boxes, looking for the tinsel to wind around the tree.
Hung the tinsel on the tree tonight
The angel and the coloured lights
Are just reflections in my tears
My darling, wish you were here
The tree quickly began to take shape. It was a real tree, Tess would have nothing else, and even though they were hard to find around Melbourne nowadays, hard to find anywhere really, she had managed to get one through a friend of a friend, and its wonderful aroma filled Tess's lungs and spread through the whole house. Tess looked over at Nicole on the floor and laughed as she wriggled her nose at the scent, and then smiled. It was a smell now cemented into Nicole's brain.
The tree almost finished, Tess reached into a bag and pulled out the ornate, delicate silver angel she had purchased that day. It was beautiful, a true work of art, with a porcelain face, hand painted features and brilliant silver wings. She held it carefully in her hands and then stepped onto the stool to place it on the top of the tree.
Happy the tree was now complete, Tess turned off the rooms lights and lay down in the dark next to Nicole on the floor, the twinkling of the fairy lights in amongst the trees limbs all that lit up their faces. As Tess stared up at the tree with Nicole at her side swatting at Tess's arm with her little hand, Tess let her mind wander and her thoughts go. The Christmas season was supposed to be a time when loved ones and friends got together. It was a chance to catch up and reminisce and enjoy each others company. But Tess had nobody. She had no plans for Christmas. She wasn't going to cry about it, enough tears had fallen from her eyes during her pregnancy and she didn't cry much anymore. She never let herself go that much. But she couldn't stop herself feeling sad every now and then though. She didn't want the Christmas season to be just her and her daughter, Tess thought to herself, as she continued to gaze at the twinkling little lights on the tree.
I said a prayer to the Lord above
Would he send me back the one I love?
Would he suddenly make you appear?
My darling, wish you were here
Tess thought often of Evan. She was pretty sure he didn't think of her, but she thought of him. Lots of little everyday things reminded her of him. Something he would've said, or something he would've done – there was always something in the background that glowed bright, forever reminding Tess of him. She had received a few phone calls at first, just after she settled into life in Melbourne, and she had lived to hear his voice. Every time the phone rang she hoped it was him. But so much had changed since then. Tess had learnt of Jo's death and the bombing of the station, and it overwhelmed her with sadness every time she thought about it. It was hard to believe Jo, her friend, her colleague, a member of the Victoria Police, one of their own, was gone. It was a loss to the world. Such a vibrant spirit snatched away in the most horrific of circumstances.
Tess closed her eyes, thinking of Jo, and how much Mt Thomas and its people must've changed since her death and the bombing. That was probably why she hadn't heard from Evan in months. A new station, probably new colleagues, and no more Jo Parrish. Tess wasn't part of the equation anymore and with such an enormous upheaval in his life Evan had forgotten about her and anything they had ever shared.
I long for our younger days
The chance to say, I love you
A million memories made
But now I'm here without you
Tess missed him, and she went to bed with him on her mind.
Christmas drew near quickly, and before she knew it, there was only a week to go. One night Tess took Nicole to see the houses lit up by lights in the surrounding suburbs. They found one particular house lit up bright enough to be seen from the moon and joined the families, friends and couples who stood admiring the hard work of the owners. People pointed and smiled, marvelling at the thousands of lights and the beautiful window display of Santa's workshop.
Tess wheeled Nicole's pram to a grassed area not too crowded with onlookers and knelt down beside her to do her own bit of pointing and smiling. The spectacular lights had bought a cherubic smile to Nicole's little face, lighting up her delicate features that so accurately reflected her mothers, and Tess smiled as she spoke softly to Nicole, pointing out the reindeers on the roof and the Mr and Mrs Claus that sat in the front window.
As Tess pointed in the direction of the crowd to show Nicole a toy train, its carriages filled with sweets, she saw the back of a tall figure – one she recognised instantly. She stared in shock for a second, and then shook herself out of her daze. It couldn't be. It wasn't him – she looked away, and back at Nicole. But a few moments later Tess found herself looking back to the spot where she had seen him. But he was gone, she noticed sadly. She scalded herself as she stood up, for even thinking it could be him.
Tess and Nicole looked around at the lights of the house for a few minutes more, and then, noticing Nicole's eyes starting to droop, Tess began to head back towards the car. As she neared, she fumbled through her bag, searching for the keys, and just metres from where the car was parked, she had to stop and dig around deep into the depths of her bag. Finally, her hands felt the cool metal of her car keys and she grabbed them out, slinging the bag back over her shoulder, looking up and pushing the pram into motion again.
What she saw made her stop dead in her tracks again. Leaning against her car was Evan Jones. His arms crossed casually across his chest, he smiled, although feeling scared, at Tess when their eyes met. "Have you missed me?" he asked, standing up straight. Tess walked up to him, and stood there, looking into his deep soulful eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but her breath caught in her throat. And then to her very own surprise, and much more to Evan's, she wrapped her arms around him in a desperate hug. The feeling of Evan so close to her, along with his sweet familiar smell, made Tess cry with relief. She never wanted to let go.
He smiled and hugged her tight, his right hand stroking her soft blonde hair. He couldn't believe this was Tess in his arms again, the only woman he had ever truly loved. When she had gone his heart had felt like it was breaking. And with each day that passed he still missed her even more. Sometimes he thought he was stupid to hold onto what was now probably a 'past love', but then he didn't, because nothing else better was coming along, certainly nothing that worked out anyway, and so it must've meant that Tess was special. He didn't think there was anyone out there better than Tess. For a while he had thought maybe Susie could full the void left by Tess, but then that hadn't worked out either. And if he was just using Susie to be another Tess, then he knew it wouldn't work. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair on Susie.
As he held Tess he thought about how much he had missed her. And by the looks of things, she felt the same way. "I guess that's a yes then hey?" he gave a small chuckle and Tess pulled away, wiping at her eyes, embarrassed. He cupped her sad face in his hands and smiled, brushing the rest of the tears away with a soft touch.
"It's a definite yes," Tess answered, trying to gather herself together. She couldn't tear her eyes away from his, and they just stood there, looking at each other for the longest time. They must've looked pretty funny to everyone else – just standing there, not saying a word, just gazing at each other.
Finally Evan spoke. "I didn't want to spend Christmas by myself, especially since the Boss isn't having his usual Christmas party," Evan trailed off, trying to remember the Tom Croydon who used to have a Christmas party every year without fail for his team and their friends. But this year it seemed forgotten. Evan missed it, and the old Boss they once had, who now seemed gone forever. Despite these thoughts, he continued.
"And I knew you'd just be spending it alone too, and it's not right," Evan finished. Tess nodded, marvelling at the way he was able to read her mind.
"It was just going to be me and Nic," with the mention of her daughters name, they both looked over to the pram, where Nicole was now sleeping peacefully.
"She's grown so much Tess,' Evan whispered, remembering the photos he had seen of Nicole when she was just a month old. Evan could not believe his eyes as he stared at the sleeping child. Tess had raised the little girl all by herself. He knew it had been a lonely couple of months for her. With his thought running through his head and seeing the same aching look on Tess's face, he enveloped her in his arms again, knowing it was exactly what she needed, and she rested her head on his chest, her head to the side, and along with him, they watched Nicole as she slept.
Later they returned to Tess's, exhausted at the nights surprising and unexpected chain of events. Pulling into the driveway, Tess snuggled her little car into the carport, and they sat side by side for a moment, silent. Tess wasn't sure what to say – him turning up in Melbourne, at Christmas of all times, had been the last thing she was expecting, although her heart had been aching to have him near again – to talk to him, to touch him, just to be near him. She was overwhelmed slightly, now that he was sitting beside her, with her infant daughter sound asleep in the backseat. She had so much to say to Evan, yet didn't know how to say it.
He sat there, waiting for her to speak. When she didn't, he glanced over at her, studying the look on her face. He took in her delicately carved features, so familiar to him, and already visible on Nic's little face. The bright moonlight of the summer evening shone on Tess's face and he smiled, realising just the look of her still made his heart give a little flutter. No-one else gave him that flutter, no-one. Only Tess could do it.
Tess reached for the doors handle, and got out of the car gracefully, something Evan had always noticed she could do so well. She breathed in the sweet scent of the night air and then opened the back door of the car, reaching in for her daughter. Cradling Nicole delicately in her arms, she closed the door softly and straightened up. She walked around to the front of the car where Evan met her. "Is she still asleep?" he whispered, stroking the little girls soft skin for the first time. Tess nodded in silent reply before heading inside.
Evan leant against the door frame to Nicole's room and watched Tess lay the child down to sleep. Tess covered her lightly with a white sheet emblazoned with gold stars, and tucked its edges securely around her. A light breeze sailed like a whisper through the open window and billowed the curtains in the semi darkness as Tess placed a kiss on Nicole's forehead. The baby wriggled, gave a tiny murmur and settled into sleep.
"I love watching her sleep," Tess spoke up, looking over at Evan in the doorway. "She gets this really peaceful, relaxed expression on her face," Tess smiled, and headed towards the door. Evan stepped back and Tess closed the door as she stepped out of the room.
With her daughter now in bed, Tess had to play hostess. Arrrgghhhh, Tess thought, cringing inwardly. 'Playing hostess' sounded so artificial. He was a friend, an old friend, and conversation should flow easily between them. But it had been more than that, so much more than that, and it had left a terribly annoying awkwardness between them.
On top of all that, Tess still felt a little sense of guilt over leaving Evan behind in Mt Thomas. She had seen his tears that day, and she felt the desperation in his hug. At the time, she had thought moving to Melbourne was a good idea, but sometimes she wondered what it would've been like to stay in Mt Thomas. How her life would've panned out.
"Coffee?" she asked as they walked into the kitchen, Tess trying to keep a hold of her emotions.
"Sure," Evan replied. He leant against the counter as Tess busied herself assembling mugs, coffee and milk. As she set the kettle to boil she turned her attention to the Christmas cake she had made earlier that day. She cut them a piece each, and then waited for the kettle to finish boiling. While they waited, that awkwardness popped up again until the click of the kettle told Tess the water was boiled and gave her something to do again.
Evan watched her, sensing the uneasiness she was feeling. While he felt a little awkward himself, he tried to push those feelings aside and smiled as he watched Tess pour the water into the mugs. Her hesitation and reservations about things was just one of the things that had made her want to come and see her again.
They sat down comfortably on the two seater couch in Tess's living room, the Christmas tree sparkling with its lights in the corner of the room. Evan took a bite of her Christmas cake hungrily. She watched him, anxious. "Delicious," he grinned, crumbs clinging to his lips, as he tried to lighten the mood a little.
It was the reassurance that Tess needed. She felt herself become more relaxed and she leant back against the couch cushions, taking a few sips of her drink. "I wasn't expecting to see you at all," Tess said with a friendly smile. "It was such a surprise," she too took a bite of her cake.
Evan smiled back, nodding. "I'd been thinking about you, and Christmas and everything, and just did it on impulse," he sat back, putting his plate of cake down and picking up his mug of coffee. "I didn't know when I'd see you, if I'd even see you at all. I just came up here, got a motel room and decided to go for a walk to look at some of the light displays. Spectacular," he said, approvingly. You would never find anything like these houses in Mt Thomas.
"Spectacular they are," Tess agreed, feeling the mood slowly begin to lighten at last and the conversation flowing easily like it was supposed to.
"I never in a million years thought you'd be out looking at the lights too, much less at the same house I was looking at, but then I saw your car," he smiled at her. "And knew it was you."
Tess smiled shyly back, marvelling too at their little twist of fate. But, fate or not, she was glad to see him. Maybe Christmas wouldn't be so bleak after all.
"So what have you been doing with yourself Evan?" Tess asked, trying to twist a little away from the obvious attraction that still bubbled furiously between them.
Evan frowned, thinking. "Well…" he began. "Not all that much really," he looked disappointed as he said this, as if saying it out loud had made it frighteningly real.
"Not much at all?" Tess gasped comedically. "That doesn't sound like the Evan Jones I know," she spoke in a way that was so different to the way she usually did, to try and hide her crazy emotions and not make them visible to Evan.
Evan frowned again as he looked Tess in the eye. "Things've changed in Mt Thomas Tess," he said sadly. "It's not the same there anymore."
Looking everywhere 'cause I had to find you
This is not the way that I remember it here
Anyone will tell you it's a prisoner island
Hidden in the summer for a million years
"So you didn't just come here on impulse?" she asked.
"I've been thinking about it for a while now," he nodded. "But then yesterday I just hopped in the car and drove, not sure whether I'd see you or not," he seemed so genuinely sad that Tess put down her coffee and reached for his hand. They sat silently for several minutes, thinking their own thoughts.
"I miss Jo," Tess whispered, gripping Evan's hand, surprised at herself for revealing something that had been laying inside her for a long time now. "And I miss everyone else too…the way they used to be," if anybody, Evan was the person she should say this to.
"So do I," Evan admitted sighing. He wanted to get off this subject though; it held too many upsetting memories. "So, still enjoying motherhood Tess?" he asked.
"Yeah," she smiled. "But I do miss the job though," she admitted quietly, looking down at her hand, which still held onto Evan's tightly.
"Miss being 'Miss Sergeant of the year?'" Evan chuckled, teasing her.
"Hardly," Tess replied, smiling at him, her eyes sparkling. "I just miss the job in general you know? Getting up every morning and putting on the uniform, upholding the law for the great state of Victoria," she mimicked the way one of her teachers at the academy had spoken.
"I get what you mean," Evan nodded, understanding.
"It's the only job for me," she smiled wistfully just as Nicole gave a wail from her room. Tess rose from the couch. "Back in a sec," she said, heading for her daughters room.
As Tess walked away from him and disappeared down the hallway, Evan got up too and headed outside to Tess's back veranda hoping for some cool night air. He stood at the door to the veranda with his hands in the pockets of his denim jeans. His eyes took in the fairy lights Tess had wound around the poles of the verandah and along the guttering. They twinkled like the stars on that summer night.
Evan sat down on one of the two deck chairs and let the gentle breeze envelope his body while he let his mind wander.
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin, mother and child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
To give without expecting something in return
To turn the other cheek when you get burned
To learn to be as trusting as a child
To know that every simple kindness is worthwhile
To treat our fellow human beings
Like our sisters and brothers
To know that in this world
All we really have is each other
Tess came back out and joined Evan on the verandah not too much later. She stood at the back door, and closed her eyes, and Evan watched her breathe in deeply. As the sweet smell of wattle and the neighbours just watered lawn met with Tess's senses, a smile spread across her face and she looked over at Evan. When she saw him watching her, a cheeky smile on hi tanned face, her cheeks turned an intense shade of crimson. She was embarrassed at her blushing, wishing her usual cool, mature composure would return to save her dignity. She could almost always keep a grip, but it all seemed to dissolve whenever she was around Evan.
"So Tess," Evan broke the silence that hovered between them. "How is life treating you? What's motherhood like, really?"
Tess smiled, a distant look in her eyes, and she settled into the remaining chair, leaning back comfortably. "It's good," she began, all of a sudden becoming very aware that she was about to tell this man, a person who still had a hold of her heart after all this time, her deepest and most sincere feelings, feelings she had not really told anyone else. "I like motherhood," she chuckled quietly to herself. "And Nic's such a good baby, I couldn't have asked for better really."
"I'm glad for you," Evan smiled, holding back the urge inside of him to reach out and pat her knee or tuck of strand of hair behind her ear, just a simple gesture that would go with the words he had just said. But he held back and didn't move from his chair. Once, maybe once, he could've patted her knee, or tucked her hair behind her ear, but was so unsure of himself right now, and wasn't sure where he stood with her. So he held back, although he secretly wished he didn't have to.
"I do miss being a copper though," she said again, and sighed, almost sadly. "I don't know if there are any similarities between motherhood and police work though," Tess mused. "I suppose there are a few."
"Yeah?" Evan cocked his head to the side, curious.
"I suppose so," Tess's mind ticked over as she thought hard. "Everyday is different you know?" Evan nodded whole heartedly. "I never know what to expect, what's going to happen."
"Did you used to wake up feeling like that when you were in the force?" Evan asked.
Tess nodded her head up and down. "But I got an adrenalin rush with policing though too. Not only was everyday different, but it could be dangerous as well. It made it so exciting."
"Do you miss it?" he asked.
"What?" Tess replied, her mind in a dream, reliving memories in her head.
"That excitement. That element of danger. Do you miss it?"
Tess folded her arms across her chest, and stared off into the distance, her gaze taking in the clear night sky with its smattering of twinkling stars. "Yeah I do, I really do," she whispered. She missed being a copper.
They sat in silence for a few moments, the awkwardness now gone. And with it now gone, Tess felt comfortable enough to ask what she feared might be a sensitive question. "How are things back-" she stopped herself abruptly. She had almost said the word she had forbidden herself to even think about ever since she had moved away. Mt Thomas isn't home anymore Tess, she chided herself, Melbourne is. She spoke again, the correct words ready to come out of her mouth this time. "How are things back in Mt Thomas?"
Little did Tess know that this most certainly was a sensitive question, and in more ways than one. While Tess had heard about the bombing and Jo and Clancy's deaths, she hadn't heard about Dylan's passing, the tangle of relationships between Evan, Susie and Ben, Tom's stepsons moving away, Ben's resignation or the difficulties with the Baxters and Cal Milic that had seemed to totally consume their lives for a while there. So really, little did Tess know how little she knew.
A tear came to Evan's eye, but bravely he blinked it away. He was determined not to let his emotions bring him to his knees, especially in front of Tess. But he had to do something – to give himself a moment. Just a moment to decide how to say it, if to say it at all. So he looked away, not allowing Tess to see his face.
When he turned away Tess reeled back slightly, surprised. This wasn't like Evan. He was the strong one. It was always her who pulled away, let go at the defining moment. Not him. She shuffled forward, so that she was sitting on the very edge of her seat, and reached out. Putting her hand on his knee she silently begged him to turn around and tell her the truth. Then maybe, just maybe, it would give her the encouragement she needed to reveal some of what she was hiding inside as well.
"Tell me Evan," she whispered. He turned his head slowly to look at her, and smiled a sad smile.
"I've missed you Tess," he could only whisper. "Maybe if you'd been there it would've all been different."
This struck Tess like a cold shower in the morning. He missed her. She almost cheered. She had been wrong all this time. He had been thinking of her, and as fate would have it, she was willing to place bets that they thought of each other at the same times. "What's happened? Is it really that bad?" she asked, suddenly feeling a whole lot closer to him after he had let his emotions show.
He looked away again, although appreciating Tess's soft touch, and whispered into the night, just loud enough for Tess to hear. "You don't want to know."
Time ticked by after Evan spoke. They sat quietly in the deck chairs on the verandah, perhaps just enjoying each others company, being close again. Tess didn't press the issue of Mt Thomas, as it had already visibly upset Evan and they hadn't even gone that deeply into it.
They talked about little things, things like the weather, the fairy lights, Nicole. But both shied away from the real issue. What Evan was doing here and what would happen while he was here. But as it got later and later and they remained on the verandah, the anticipation began to spill over.
Tess stood up and walked over to the railing of the verandah, the top panel of wood covered in the fairy lights she had put there. She leant her elbows on the railing and leant over, facing away from Evan and looking around her dark little backyard. She let the warm breeze blow against her skin and whistle through her hair. Moments later she heard Evan get up out of his seat and walk over so that he too was leaning out next to her. He was so close she could feel the warmth of his body, and when he didn't speak she bravely reached out and held his hand.
"I really have missed you," she whispered. "And everytime Nic does something new I always wish you were here to see it," she looked over at him, their hands now gripped together tightly, like they never wanted to let go. "To stand beside me."
Evan blinked, and then turned his head to look at her, where their eyes finally met. Then, as if reading Tess's thoughts, he stood up straight, taking his weight off the verandah railing and bought Tess up with him. When she stood directly in front of him he took her other hand, bowed his head slightly and leaned into kiss her. As his lips connected with hers, he felt her smile, and it made him certain she had meant every word of what she had said earlier about missing him.
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time, till the earth stops turning
They found comfort in each others arms, after their long sweet kiss, and stood on the verandah together, Tess nestled comfortable in Evan's arms. Evan felt worlds away from Mt Thomas and all its problems, and could scarcely believe he had Tess in his arms again. It had been too long.
They kissed again, and then headed inside, where Tess led Evan by the hand down the hallway to Nicole's nursery. Opening the door quietly, they entered the room, and stood over Nicole's cot. They looked down at the sleeping child in the dark room, and then Tess leant over and picked her up, cradling her in caring arms, and then nodded in the direction of the rocking chair that sat in the opposite corner of the room by the window. They walked over to it together, Evan not entirely certain what Tess was going to do. "Have a seat," she whispered.
He complied and then to his surprise, Tess placed Nicole in his arms. He held her awkwardly, afraid the baby might just break. He looked up at Tess, alarmed. "Won't she wake up?" he whispered urgently.
Tess sat down on top of a wooden blanket box next to the rocking chair and shook her head. "No," she whispered. "She's a very heavy sleeper actually."
Evan relaxed slightly, looking down at the little sleeping bundle in his arms. As he'd noticed earlier, Nicole was definitely her mothers' daughter, their features strikingly similar, even down to the porcelain skin and soft blonde hair. Nicole's little body was warm, and she smelt of milk and talc. He stroked her cheek, then ran his index finger down her jaw line, her neck and down her arm to her little clenched fist. Every tiny finger was perfect, with tiny finger nails to match. And Tess was right; Nicole did get a peaceful look on her face when she slept. It was a look of perfect sleepy contentment.
"Isn't she beautiful?" Tess whispered, smiling at the picture before her. Evan didn't answer at first, too entranced by Nicole, but in the back of his mind he heard Tess's question clearly.
"I've never seen anything more beautiful," he looked up and smiled happily at Tess, before turning his attention back to Nicole, who was resting trustingly in Evan's arms.
As they sat there, the silence a form of sweet innocence, Tess realised what she wanted. "Will you spend Christmas with me?" Tess asked. "With us?" she smiled at her daughter.
It was what he had been hoping she would ask. It was her he wanted to spend this special time of year with. Not with his father, not with the members of the station, not alone in the pub. With Tess and Nicole. They needed someone to celebrate Christmas with and so did he. It was the perfect solution to their loneliness. "Yeah," he whispered his answer. "I'd love to," he was so surprised she'd even asked. A year ago she wouldn't have even let herself think of such a thing, he knew, and now, here she was asking him to spend Christmas with her. He suspected she had done a lot of growing up since she left Mt Thomas, just like he had. And now she was using all the courage she had in her to ask him to stay with her for the festive season.
"It's Nic's first Christmas, and I want to make it really special. It'd be great to have you here too," she admitted, hardly believing what words were coming out of her mouth as they had been words she'd held in for what seemed like forever, and now she was saying them in front of him.
Later, Evan and Tess found themselves lying next to each other on Tess's bed. Neither had any intentions of rushing into anything, but that kiss on the verandah had changed everything. It had opened up a whole new world and made Tess remember just how much she loved him.
They lay on top of the covers of Tess's bed, moonlight shining in the bedroom window, and faced each other. Tess, a new found bravery almost rushing through her veins, ran her hand over Evan's cheek, immediately noticing the sad look in his eyes, despite the look of elation that had been present in his eyes when he had held Nicole just a short time before. She could tell he wanted to let go, she could sense the sadness in his heart. She traced a line with her finger along his hair line and to his eyebrow. "You can tell me," she whispered. He looked into her caring eyes, and she watched his face crumble ever so slightly. He squeezed his eyes shut and bought his hand up to his face, pressing his fingers into his eyes, as if trying to push away his problems. Tess's hand remained on his cheek, their soft skins brushing softly together.
"Dylan died," Evan could barely choke out the words, but Tess could make them out. The words rattled through her conscience with chilling clarity.
"What?" Tess couldn't comprehend.
"Overdose," he said, as if that explained it all. While Tess was confused, she knew enough about Dylan, and enough about Evan, to know that it wasn't your usual overdose. She didn't ask him the details though. She didn't need to know right then.
"Oh Evan," she whispered. "I…I…I don't know what to say," she felt so helpless when all she wanted to do was help him. He took his hands away from his eyes and placed his hand on top of hers.
"And you weren't there," he whispered as they laid their hands on the bed, their fingers intertwining. Tess was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt, but then a glimmer of a smile appeared on Evan's lips. "You weren't there to pull me into line. You weren't there to say 'Pull yourself together constable' or 'Mind on the job Constable'", he gave a small chuckle "I think I probably needed that."
"Of course you did," she replied, ashamed. "I'm so sorry for leaving you," there was that guilty twinge again, and Tess shuddered.
But Evan wouldn't allow her to feel like that for too long. He reached out and pulled her into his chest, a brave new move on his part, and she snuggled into his arms. She felt safe with each other, and it was there in their whole new world opened by that kiss that they stayed, just needing to be held by one another so that they could feel loved again, something neither of them had felt for such a long time in the worlds they had been living in.
I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the one whose in your arms
Who holds you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way
I wanna be with you
The noise was close, a ringing, so persistent and shrill, but Tess couldn't figure out where it was coming from. And the ringing just got louder, and just kept ringing. Suddenly Tess awoke, rolled over and rubbed at her eyes. She squinted in the sunlight that was beaming on her face before finally figuring out that the noise was a mobile. But not hers. She heaved herself onto her elbows and her eyes fell upon Evan scrounging around on the floor by the bed, searching in vain for his phone. His hands felt it at last, tucked safely inside his shoe. He answered it breathlessly.
"Hello?" his voice was groggy and had that morning croakiness to it. He listened intently to the caller on the other end.
He got an annoyed look on his face as he listened. "I'm in Melbourne," he said into the phone, frowning. "Don't tell me you need me back at work," he groaned loudly, not caring if he offended Mark, the early morning caller.
Tess watched Evan as he ran his hand through his copper brown hair. "OK," he sighed. "This arvo then," he shot a disappointed and apologetic look at Tess with his eyes. He hung up and chucked the phone back to where his boots sat.
She didn't even need to ask. And he didn't particularly want to say it, but he did anyway. "They need me back at work," he crawled up onto the bed again and sat beside her. She was sleepy eyed and her hair was ruffled, but with him beside her she'd had a pleasant nights sleep. He looked at her apologetically. "I'm sorry Tess," he got up again, and headed to the bathroom.
Tess swung herself out of the bed also, letting her bare feet pad along the soft carpet of her bedroom. She stood at the doorway to the tiny bathroom, watching as he splashed cold water on his face. "You're going to come back aren't you?" she asked hesitantly. "For Christmas?" she was worried that he was just going to up and leave her, and his visit would become just a distant memory.
He turned the tap off and straightened up, looking at her. "Of course I'm coming back Tess," he replied. "Of course," he repeated. He came up to where she was standing at the door and lifted her chin with his finger, making her look up into his own eyes. He pressed his lips on hers and they tasted each others sweetness, sharing a kiss that was full of hope. "We're going to spend Christmas together," he smiled into her eyes. She smiled back, relieved. It seemed so much like a dream.
He left at lunchtime that day, giving Nicole a kiss on her tiny forehead. He and Tess shared a simple hug, nothing too ambitious, so as not to break the dream like spell that had evolved between them. He drove away, out of Tess's sleepy suburb with its tree lined streets and classic cottages that only got better with age. As she waved at him, he marvelled at how well Tess had actually managed to fit in here. But something in her eyes told him she fitted in to Mt Thomas even more.
Tess stood on her front lawn, Nicole in her arms, and watched him disappear from sight. She missed him the moment he disappeared from view, a feeling she wasn't used to. Sadly she looked down at her sleeping daughter, that look of contentment yet again on her baby's face, as it always was when she slept.
A little piece of Tess wanted to have hopped in the car with Evan and gone and fought a world of crime with him. Her attraction to him now was incredible. She didn't know what it was. Maybe that old saying was true, she thought. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'. There had certainly been an absence of him in her life for a while now, and the moment she had seen him leaning so casually, yet at the same time so nervously, against her car, her heart had filled with gladness. Perhaps away from the working environment Tess was a different person. Maybe even Evan was too. Maybe now she was not an active member, not in Mt Thomas, not his sergeant, not all the things she was just a year ago, she had let her guard down. She unknowingly allowed it to just dissolve away, and then Evan had come along out of the blue and at last been able to see the real Tess, the Tess he'd always longed for and tried to pry out into the open when they had worked together. For a moment she didn't know whether to smile or frown, but her mind took only a split second to decide. She beamed at no-one in particular as she walked back inside.
As Evan drove back towards Mt Thomas via his motel room, he felt lonely. Evan Jones didn't often get the blues, much less get lonely, but that afternoon as he drove, his loneliness hit him with amazing force. If he thought hard enough, he could remember the taste of Tess's lips, or the feel of her next to him, and he revelled at the thought, bringing a smile to his face at last. He missed Tess with every kilometre her drove.
As the sun began to set over Melbourne, Tess sat with Nicole on the back verandah. Just inside the back door Tess had switched on the radio, and its gentle chorus helped Nicole fall asleep again. She laid peacefully in her mothers arms as Tess sang softly to her. In the spirit of Christmas, the radio station played the occasional Christmas carol, and Tess smiled when Amazing Grace began to play. It was, of course, one of Tess's favourite songs, and she stroked Nicole's little hand as she sang it to her.
Nicole's eyes drooped as the song came to an end, and Tess stored this little titbit of information in the back of her mind for future reference when trying to get Nic to sleep. Amazing Grace was Nicole's favourite song too.
A tried Evan climbed the stairs to the Imperial guest rooms just as the sun was setting. He dragged his weary body, which just twelve hours ago had been so alive with energy, into his room, dropped his bag and flopped onto the bed, asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next day Evan was on the go from the moment he stepped into the station. In just a day or two, the station had turned into a frenzy of phone calls, call outs and not so organised chaos. The team worked busily through the day, always on their feet, on the beat, patrolling, attending callouts, burglaries and disputes. Evan's only rest was getting the lunches from the Imperial just before noon.
"Hey Chris," he called out, giving her a wave as he entered the bar. She was busy at the other end, so Evan had a moment to wait and relax. Minutes later though she bought the box of sandwiches over to him and leant on the bar smiling, that knowledgeable sparkle in her eye.
"So where have you been hey?" she asked.
"Where have I been? When?" he hadn't been gone that long, and he didn't think anyone would really notice.
"The past day or so," she chuckled. "You live in my pub, I notice when you're not here," she smiled kindly, thinking that perhaps he needed some cheering up. The look on his face and in his eyes certainly made her think so.
"Oh," he smiled briefly. "I went to Melbourne. To visit an old friend," he stood up off the stool and picked up the box of lunches for the troops.
Chris began to speak but he was already half way out the door. She called out to him though before he disappeared completely. "Was it Tess?" she asked, that smile still there on the publicans face. She could only see the back of him now, but he nodded his head enthusiastically, and she just knew he was smiling.
"Yeah it was," he replied. "Seeya Chris!" he gave a wave over his shoulder and then disappeared outside.
Chris stood behind the bar and just smiled to herself. Maybe that was what Evan needed. He'd gone on as normal when Tess had left, but he was just hiding how he was really feeling for the sake of his job and his reputation. She knew deep down that he missed her everyday. But he wouldn't let his colleagues see that he missed her, so he kept up his cool, strong, policeman façade.
Chris knew then that Evan would be seeing more of Tess Gallagher from now on, whether she lived three hours away or not, and she knew it was right. Right for the both of them. Especially at Christmas.
Evan's shift dragged on that day. It seemed never ending, and he thought constantly of Tess. And Nicole too of course. When Tess had put her in his arms, he had experienced a feeling completely new to him. It was the feeling of holding a child in his arms. The feeling of being a father, even though he wasn't really Nic's Dad. Despite feeling warm at these feelings happily at his desk, mounds of paperwork surrounding him, his head snapped up pretty quickly when Kelly asked him if he wanted a coffee. "Sure, thanks Kel," he replied absentmindedly, his thoughts still very much on Tess, and they stayed there for the remainder of the afternoon.
Soon it begun to get dark, and as they say, the action begun. But it was more than unwanted by all the Heelers. The call out came at about 7:30, just as the night air was beginning to cool outside and the sky darkening. The radio had said a motor vehicle accident, no further description given, reported by a passing motorist.
Evan and Susie headed out to the scene. They spoke little during the trip except for a simple declaration from Susie. "I hope this isn't the start of the Christmas road toll," she sighed. Evan nodded his head almost violently in agreeance. It seemed to escalate at this time of the year, just when nobody wanted it to.
What met their eyes at the site of the crash was nothing short of horrific. The car, a small white Laser, was on its side against a tree, its entire framework a tangle of crushed metal. It sat silently in all its ugliness. Susie and Jonesy parked as close as they could and walked down the embankment to the wreck, both carrying large torches. Evan held his breath, not just in fear, but because he knew the smell that would soon meet his nostrils if this was a fatal, and he would do all he could to avoid it.
They stumbled down the slope and Susie put her hand to her mouth suddenly, and Evan was glad he'd held his breath. Perhaps he'd attended more fatals then her, he thought. There was nothing more distinctive than the smell of death. Even though he hated it, he was glad most people didn't ever have to smell such a smell, at least not as often as coppers. It made him queasy no matter how many fatals he'd attended over the years, and no matter how much he thought he'd hardened himself against these things.
Evan neared the car and, approaching the drivers door, he took a big gulp of fresh air and sunk to his knees, peering through the broken drivers side window. The glass was shattered and the whole middle was no longer there, having broken off in jagged chunks. Inside a young woman sat motionless in the drivers seat. She had a distressed look on her face, like she had fought to the very last moment against this. Blood was now dry on the side of her head, stemming from a deep gash on her temple. She was wearing summer clothes – a simple singlet top and brown skirt, and it made the bruises and cuts on her upper body blatantly visible, even in the semi darkness of dusk. Despite this, Evan still reached in and felt for her pulse, hoping against hope that she would be alive. He had mentally prepared himself for her not to be, but he still had to find out for certain. But it was lucky he had prepared himself because she was gone. Her body was lifeless, as if her spirit had just drifted away, up and out of her body.
He shook his head sadly at Susie who was peering through the passenger door window, indicating she was no longer alive. Susie nodded her head back in reply, understanding, and stood up, taking her radio from her belt. She spoke quietly into it, requesting an ambulance and a body bag. It pained Susie to ask for the body bag, but that was what she had to do. It was procedure. But to Susie it meant the victim was well and truly gone. It was like confirming their death. If you had to order a body bag then that was it. She closed her eyes briefly once she had turned off her radio and tried to gather herself together. Regaining her composure after a few seconds, a bright colour caught her eye, and she turned her head around to get a better look at it. She was terrified to see that it was a baby's blanket. She gave a strangled cry in call out to Evan and he immediately looked up. He followed her gaze to the backseat and they both began clawing away at the car, desperately trying to get to the child.
Susie got there first, managing to hoist her upper half through the back window and, all her weight on her hands as she tipped forward, she searched the mess that was the backseat. There were shopping bags everywhere, the woman had obviously been Christmas shopping in St Davids and was making her way back home.
Susie threw aside wrapping paper and gift boxes and searched in vain for the child. Tears were welling in her eyes, as well as Evan's, as she searched, as Susie knew there was every chance the baby may have been thrown from the car and may not be in there at all. But determined not to give up hope, Susie threw aside another half empty shopping bag and finally found the baby. It was a girl – she was dressed in a frilly pink sundress and in the little hair that she had was a pink ribbon. But her little body was still. Susie stretched as far as she could just to touch her skin, but couldn't reach.
"Jonesy," she cried. "I can't get to her!" she cried out in desperation. Evan yanked at the door furiously, hoping just the strength of his anger mixed with desperation would get the door open. With a few almighty tugs it eventually relented and he knelt down and reached for the little girl where she lay on the floor of the car. He gathered her carefully in his arms and straightened up, taking her away from the wreck that was her mothers car.
Forlornly he looked at her, her little body limp in his arms. He was grateful her eyes were closed. He didn't want to have to look into her eyes. Why did people have to die with their eyes open anyway? He choked back a sob. This little girl hadn't even got to experience life yet. She had been robbed of that chance. He shuddered as he studied her face. She was probably the same age as Nicole, and had the same light hair and fair skin. She had long lashes and a little button of a nose. And she would never smile or gurgle again.
Susie came over to where Evan was standing and looked at his face, then followed his gaze down to the little girls face. She had a relatively calm look on her face, like she was just still sleeping. "She's so young," he whispered to Susie, unable to take his eyes off the baby. "It's so unfair."
"It is," she sighed sadly. A tear slipped down Evan's cheek as he not only thought of the baby and her mother, but of Tess and Nicole and how he would just die himself if she ever lost them.
Evan had the next three days off anyway, but in light of the accident he and Susie had dealt with, Mark had told them to take all the time they needed, as he knew fatals could easily affect his young constables. He told them to go and visit their families if that was what they needed. But Evan didn't want to see his family or some police phycologist. They wouldn't help and he didn't want to see them anyway.
He drove all night, not telling any of his colleagues he was leaving, knowing they'd only protest and try to get him to stay. He just told Chris he was spending Christmas in Melbourne. She knew it was with Tess, but she promised not to tell if he didn't want her to. He slipped out of the hotel with a bag jam full of clothes before any of the troops could notice. Half an hour or so later they would notice his absence, he knew, and that would be when they'd start pestering Chris for info. But by then he'd be long gone and free to be with Tess.
Even though it was night time, the holiday traffic was heavy. The usual three hour trip took twice as long. Evan's car radio crackled out Christmas carols merrily as he drove and they bought a smile to his face, just hours ago etched with sadness over finding the woman and her child in the car wreck on Christmas Eve.
Tess sat cross legged on the floor of her living room, wrapping paper, scissors and sticky tape in a jumble around her. She wrapped his gift carefully, tying a delicate gold ribbon around the box. Tess hoped feverishly Evan would like it – it was a picture of Nicole and herself, when Nicole was just days old. It was such a beautiful picture, Tess holding Nicole under her arms in front of her, her elbows resting on her knees. Nic's eyes were half closed sleepily, and Tess was smiling a radiant smile at her daughter. Tess had copied the photo and placed it in a silver frame, and had had the words Merry Christmas engraved on the bottom of the frame.
She placed it wrapped, under the tree, hoping that he would get to open it, sometime. She didn't know when he'd be back, and even though had said he would be back, she still had her reservations. It felt like such a dream that he had been with her at all, and she wandered if she'd get to dream some more. She pulled her knees up to her chest and just stared at the Christmas tree, taking in all the glittering ornaments, the tinsel and the angel on top of the tree. She smiled as the lights reflected in her eyes, and she suddenly got up and walked quietly towards Nicole's room. Tip toeing inside, she leant over the bassinet where the tiny child slept and she smiled as Nicole stared up at her with her wide blue eyes. Tess leant over and spoke softly to her daughter, stroking her cheek with her fore finger.
"Is Mummy's little girl awake?" Tess whispered, picking up the tiny baby and holding her against her chest, rubbing Nicole's back softly. "Mummy has something to show you," she bounced Nic up and down gently as she walked back out to the living room. Cradling Nic in the crook of her right arm, Tess used her left hand to gently touch the ornaments on the tree, making each one sparkle and catch the light from the fairy lights.
A smile spread across Nicole's face, which made a smile escape from Tess's lips. Together they stared at the tree, and Tess wished Evan was there with her.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on
Our troubles will be out of sight
Tess wanted to begin tradition with Nicole from her very first Christmas, and so, with Nicole still in her arms, kicking her little feet in her white jumpsuit, Tess put a bucket of water and a carrot by the back door, and a piece of Christmas cake and a glass of lemonade on the coffee table in the living room, whispering to Nic the whole time, promising Santa's arrival during the night.
Finally, as the clock ticked towards nine o'clock, Tess headed back to the nursery to put Nicole back to bed. "Time for sleep now sweetie," Tess whispered, placing her gently down on her white sheet emblazoned with stars. "Santa won't come until you're asleep," she ran her hand over Nic's head, feeling her soft, wispy hair, and kissed her forehead before closing the door gently behind her.
Tess wandered around the house afterwards, doing a general clean up, putting their dinner dishes away and folding a basket of clothes into neat piles. It wasn't too much later though that she headed to bed also, climbing under the covers sadly. She nestled under the light sheet, wondering if she and Evan would get to spend Christmas together after all. She lay in bed alone, time running out for her Christmas wish to come true. She fell asleep wondering if she would get the only present she had ever wanted.
The next morning, sunlight streamed in the window, promising a bright, happy day, just right for Christmas. Tess opened her eye sleepily, her head resting still on her pillow, and the sheet still tucked up around her neck. Her eyes met with Evan's, and incredulously she blinked a few times to make sure she knew what she was seeing. But she was seeing it all right; Evan really was in front of her, laying his head on the other pillow of her double bed. He smiled and placed a kiss on her lips, and she exhaled slowly, contentment filling her entire body.
He took her hand and pulled her up out of bed, and led her out of her room and down the hallway to Nic's nursery. Tess let go of his hand and went into the room, drawing open the curtains and lifting Nicole from her bassinet. She placed the tiny curled up body on her chest, letting her head rest on her shoulder. Tess looked at Evan, waiting by the doorway, and he motioned her over to him with a wave.
AS she approached, he touched her cheek with his hand, and Tess leaned back against the door frame, its cool metal sending a tingle up her spine. As they locked lips passionately, Nicole asleep on her mothers shoulder, sandwiched gently between them, the tingle spread throughout Tess's whole body. She savoured the taste of his lips and the feel of his warm breath on her face, and closed her eyes for a moment. Then he took the hand that wasn't holding Nicole, and led her into the living room. "Let's see if Santa's been," he whispered into Tess's ear, smiling. Tess smiled back, at last letting herself believe that her wish had come true and they were together for the most magical day of the year.
They walked up to the tree and Tess's eyes fell upon a glittering baby pink bauble, perfectly round and hanging from a piece of silver braid. She leant in closer for a look, and read the words, written in curly silver writing, out loud. "Merry Christmas to Santa's little angel, Nicole. Love, Uncle Jonesy."
Tess turned her head and smiled lovingly at him. "It's gorgeous," she said. He bent down and picked up a box from underneath the tree, and then straightened up, facing Tess. He held the small box tightly in his hands. Undoing the ribbon, with Tess watching his every move with wide eyes, he slowly opened the square box. "Tess," he beamed. "Will you marry me?" he dropped to one knee, holding the box out to her. She stared in awe at the ring. It was a square cut diamond set in silver claws, with a smaller square diamond on either side. The silver band it was set upon glistened almost as much as the sparkling gem.
She couldn't say a word, her heart beating loudly in her chest as she looked shocked at Evan. He stood up and put one hand over her on Nicole's back, and the other to her cheek.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you and Nicole," he whispered. "It's my Christmas wish…will you marry me?" he repeated, a look of hope and nervousness in his eyes. At last she smiled back, her mouth ready to speak. "Yes," she answered.
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss
Oh I can't believe it's happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this