Chapter 29 Walking Towards the Light
"Well, Mrs Whitlock, everything seems to be as it should, your leg is healing nicely, and I know that Doctor Sloan wants you to sweep him down the hallway in a quickstep before you leave." Jesse smiled at the old lady in the bed who was looking up at him and nodding intently. She laughed as he finished talking,
"Now, Doctor Travis, you are pulling my leg, but it'll have to be the good one, or my pretty nurse will be after you."
"Mrs Whitlock, didn't you know that all the nurses in this hospital are after Doctor Travis?" Susan joined in the gentle banter, checking the lady's pulse as she did so, and then picking up a comb off the nightstand. "Would you like me to come back in a little while and help make you beautiful for your son's visit?"
"More beautiful, Nurse, and I doubt that is possible." Jesse made a couple of notes on the chart he had in his hand and then checked his watch, "You know, don't tell anyone," he made a great show of looking around himself to make sure no one was watching, "but I have a break due in ten minutes and I may even get to take it. I'll see you tomorrow, Mrs Whitlock, Nurse." Jesse smiled at the two ladies in front of him and then turned and left the room; he had taken no more than five steps towards the elevator and his next patient when he felt a hand on his arm.
"Jesse, don't rush so, I had trouble keeping up with you." Susan smiled at him, and once again Jesse was struck by her beauty. He had done as he'd planned and not spoken to Susan at all for the first two patients he'd seen, but it wasn't in his nature to hold a grudge or be nasty to anyone, and by the time they had reached Mr. Billings, who had been one of Susan's patients, they were laughing and enjoying each other's company. Jesse was so glad to be back working a normal shift, doing his rounds and coping with life, that it was making him even more cheerful than usual.
"I meant what I said in there, I need coffee, ten minutes with my feet up and no interruptions, so I hope you can keep up with the whirlwind!" Jesse walked into the elevator as he spoke, and the doors closed behind them as Susan joined him.
ooo
"Rae, Rae, can you hear me?" Steve's voice began to probe at the corners of her mind, but she didn't want to take any notice of them. She felt suddenly very ill, a little shivery, but most of all she just felt weird.
"Steve?" Her voice sounded weak and distant even to her own ears, and she struggled to open her eyes as she tried to sit up. Sit up, where was she?
"Rae, stay there, I'll help you." She felt his strong, firm hands carefully go around her and then she was gently moved so that she was leaning against something, or someone, she suspected, hazily, that it was Steve she was leaning against. "There, how do you feel now?"
"Steve, I called 911, they'll be about five minutes." Cheryl's voice was full of concern but Rae was horrified.
"No, Steve … I'm … I'm ok, I have so much to do." She tried to get up, but as she got to her knees the feelings of lightheadedness, as well as the beginnings of nausea, returned with a vengeance and she slumped back against her partner. "No … no."
"Oh, yes, I'm not having you in this squad room a minute longer today, Detective. You passed out, which means a trip to the Emergency Room and no arguing, I'm a doctor's son, remember?" Steve tried to be stern but he was really just very concerned; Rae had had so much to deal with lately, he guessed that it wasn't surprising that she had finally hit a brick wall. "Honey, can you stand up? If you can I'll move you to my office, which will be more private for you." Steve carefully put his arm around her again and began to help her into a standing position. She swayed once more and, not wanting her on show any longer than was necessary, he made the instant decision to pick her up and carry her to the row of soft chairs in his room. His other hand went under her legs and in one movement she was up in his arms, and he was worried all over again as he realized how light she was to carry.
"Ohh." Rae's only reaction was to moan as her feet left the floor, but she felt suddenly safe in his arms, even if she didn't have the energy to tell him so.
ooo
Matthew had been scared, too scared to really think straight. He'd tried to assert himself, tried to come to the surface, so that he could check out of the hotel immediately after Dominic had finished talking to the receptionist in the lobby. He had succeeded in dominating for long enough to pack his bag but Dominic had re-emerged and unpacked it again. Matthew knew rationally that he was over-reacting; Dominic was, after all, just a guy who'd had a drink with a woman who managed to get herself killed. A woman who worked at the hotel and managed to get herself killed. He'd sent her a mineral water, knowing full well that the waiter would remember which was probably why Dominic had done it that way, the thrill of the chase, the chance to outwit those he thought less intelligent than he. Matthew realized with a feeling of horror that the entire thing was just a game to Dominic, that the reason they'd started this had been forgotten, not by him, but definitely by Dominic, and he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that things were going to get a lot worse before they got better again.
ooo
"Doctor Martin to the ER STAT, Doctor Alex Martin to the ER STAT." The voice of the young woman on duty at the nurses' station penetrated Alex's concentration and he let out a deep sigh. He'd just installed a new financial package on his computer at the beach house and he was trying his hardest to understand what it all meant. He put the booklet into his back pocket and broke into a run as he heard his name being called again.
"Doctor Martin, the paramedic called ahead, he said to tell you that it's Detective Yeager on the ambulance coming in."
Alex felt his heart sink, Rae had managed to keep herself out of the hospital for a while but it appeared that was about to change. He heard the wheels of a gurney as it came along the hallway and then round the corner into the ER and he saw his friend laying, eyes closed and unresponsive before him.
"Ok, what've you got?"
"The patient is a thirty-nine-year-old female. Detective … Oh, sorry, I guess you know that." The medic looked up at Alex and down at Rae and then carried on. "She passed out at work; she came round, but complained of dizziness and nausea. To be honest, Doctor Martin, I think she's asleep."
Alex felt a great deal of relief mingle in with his concern and he indicated that Rae should be taken into trauma one. As he did so he saw Mark walking towards him and waved him over. "Mark, d'you know where Jesse is? Rae was just brought in, it doesn't look too serious, but he should know, shouldn't he?"
"Yes, yes he should, um…" Mark thought for a moment and then looked over at the young nurse. "Is Doctor Travis still on rounds?"
"Yes, Doctor, and he told me that he was planning to take his break right after. Would you like me to have him paged?"
"No, I'll go find him, thank you." Mark wasn't sure what his friend's reaction would be if he came rushing to the ER and found that it was because Rae had been brought in and he knew that telling him face to face would definitely be better.
Alex watched Mark leave and then moved into the trauma suite. Rae was lying just as she had been, but she was now awake, her skin was paler than usual and, as he had seen earlier in the day, she looked awful.
"Don't say anything; you were right, I was wrong, now please can I go home?" Rae went to sit up and Alex moved closer to her.
"Oh, no you don't, you passed out, for no apparent reason, and I want to know why. So, I will start by taking your vital signs, while you tell me what happened?"
For a moment Rae said nothing, the heavy weight of tiredness that she had been carrying for far too long was still with her, and the temptation to just close her eyes and fade away was enormous. In the end though she knew that Alex wouldn't let her do that, not yet at any rate, and so she began to speak. "You saw me leave, right? How did that go by the way, did you get a picture drawn up?" Rae knew that it was a long shot that Alex had even seen the guy, but Nadine had to have been spotted someplace, and Bob's seemed logical. She had talked about dating a guy she'd served and long shots were all they had right now. Alex though wasn't going to be diverted.
"Yes, I saw you leave, and none of your business, you're on my turf now, Detective!" Alex smiled, and Rae felt herself blush, and to her horror tears rushed to her eyes. "Hey, it's ok." Alex's voice was soft and kind, which made her feel even worse and she rubbed the tears off her cheeks as quickly as she could, took a deep breath and carried on talking.
"I went and saw the autopsy. I got a lot of information from it and wanted to get straight back to write it up. I felt a bit dizzy on the stairs, and I'd …" She trailed off, embarrassed by what she had to admit.
"And you'd what?" Alex had made a note of her blood pressure, which was, unsurprisingly, low, her temperature was raised, but pulse rate was ok.
"I fell asleep at the wheel."
"Rae!" Alex's voice told her what she'd known already, that he was scandalized by what she said. "Did you have an accident? Is that why you passed out?"
Rae moved slightly so that she could sit up and put her hand over his, "No, I didn't, I was stopped at some lights, and I guess I just dozed off … I'm sorry." Rae felt the tears threaten her again and she looked away from her friend for a moment as she tried to compose herself.
"I drove the rest of the way to the station, I felt kind of dizzy on the stairs again, but it passed off, and I got myself a drink and grabbed an apple. I was starting to eat it when Steve called me; I guess I passed out just after that."
Alex could see Steve's broad outline through the window of the trauma suite and he smiled. "He's waiting outside, I'll go see him in a minute. Rae, I need to ask you some questions, take your time and I'll try not to tire you too much more than you are already, ok?"
"Yeah, ok." Rae scrubbed away the last of the tears from her eyes and took a breath in; she hoped the questions weren't going to be too hard.
"First of all, from what I've seen so far I think you're suffering from exhaustion, or fatigue, so the questions are gonna be related to that diagnosis." He watched her nod her head and began. "When you go to sleep do you sleep well, or is it disturbed?"
"Alex, I can't remember the last uninterrupted night's sleep I had. I was in the hospital with Anneya for over two weeks, she hasn't slept properly since we got home, and last night I had to spend the night in the pouring rain while a body was recovered." Her voice had edged up in volume as she spoke and she lowered it suddenly as she finished talking.
"And when you do get a good night's sleep do you sleep for a couple of hours, or more like seven or eight?" Alex didn't respond to her outburst, but carried on writing notes and talking.
"I sleep all I can get, when I'm tired, if the girls are already asleep I would go to bed too, but it just hasn't worked out like that for a long time." Rae tried to resist the temptation to yawn, but already she was wishing she was asleep again.
"When you wake up in the morning do you feel rested?"
"No, not at the moment."
"Rae, it's currently that I want to know about, but from the way you are speaking this has all changed recently, yes?"
"Yes, Alex, it has all changed recently! Just like my life has. My husband left me, my daughter ended up in ICU and then was found to be profoundly Deaf, or don't any of those things count as change?" Rae felt her temper suddenly well up within her, and she launched at her friend.
"Rae, I'm sorry, that wasn't a very tactful way of putting things." Alex made a couple of unnecessary notes on her chart to cover his embarrassment and then he continued with his exam.
"Ok, we'll skip the questions on stress, I think you've answered those, what about diet? Can you get up so I can weigh you?"
Rae nodded, she knew she shouldn't have shouted but she couldn't bring herself to apologize. Carefully she swung her legs off the gurney, placed her feet on the floor and waited for the world to catch her up. Alex cautiously moved her over to where there was a scale attached to the wall and she stepped on to it.
"Rae, Honey, no wonder you look thin to me, you only weigh 95 pounds, and last time I did your physical you were 112. So I guess your diet is mussed up too."
"Yeah, I guess it is. Alex, my whole life is messed up; everything is connected to everything else … could I lay back down do you think?" She was beginning to feel light headed again, but Rae didn't want to say too much. Alex watched as she moved slowly and a little bit shakily back to the gurney and made herself comfortable once more; he could see how tired she was but if he could get through his questions then he would be able to send her home to get the sleep she so desperately needed.
"Right, I have a list of symptoms I want to run through, you just need to say yes or no and then … Rae?" She had lost all the colour in her face once again after the recent exertion and flopped back onto the pillows. "That's it, I'm gonna keep you here tonight, I'll go tell Steve, then I'll sort out the paperwork, I think I'll ask you all these questions in a private room."
Rae didn't have the energy or inclination to argue, so she just nodded her head, closed her eyes and waited for the world to go away.
ooo
Mark had taken a list of Jesse's patients and begun at the end of his rounds hoping to catch him somewhere in the middle. Jesse though must have been on hyper-speed because the last person Jesse had to see, Mr. Middlemass, informed him that the young doctor had been to him a little over ten minutes before and he was glad he'd passed the message on that he needed to speak with the elder doctor. Mark had apologized but said that he needed to see his colleague as a matter of some urgency and would return, and then, remembering what the nurse had said, Mark made his way to the cafeteria where he was dismayed to see Jesse sitting with Susan sharing a coffee and obviously enjoying each other's company.
"Susan, how are you? I hope you will excuse me, but, Jesse, I need to speak with you."
"Sure, Mark, is it about Mr. Middlemass? He was asking for you." Jesse indicated for his friend to sit down and then picked up the top folder from the pile.
"No, Jesse, it's not, Susan, would you excuse us please?" Mark looked at the young nurse as he repeated his request; he'd liked her very much until she had left Jesse high and dry and hurt him deeply. At the time he had wondered whether Jesse would ever quite get over her, but then Rae had come into his life, and Mark had to admit he'd stopped thinking about his friend's previous love.
"Mark, if it's not about a patient, what is it? Is it Anneya?" Jesse stood, panic welling up inside him, Susan and their pleasant conversation was forgotten, the files on the seat beside him meant nothing at this moment, and he clutched the edge of the table as he waited for an answer.
"No, no, it's not, she's fine, it's Rae, she's with Alex."
"Oh, well, then." Susan blurted out her words and Mark glared at her.
"Nurse Hilliard, I believe it is time for you to return to duty."
"Yes, Doctor." She lowered her head as she spoke, but then looked Jesse right in the eye. "I'll speak to you later." As she heard Mark clear his throat, she stood up, turned and left the cafeteria.
"Mark, do you know why she's here?"
"No not really, Alex just said that it wasn't too serious, but she was bought in by ambulance."
"Mark, I have to go see her, can … can you cover my shift for a while, please?"
"Of course, and, Jesse, I'm glad you want to do this."
Mark stood and watched as Jesse nodded his head, turned and left the cafeteria at a run, he then picked up all the folders left on the seat and made his way back to see Mr. Middlemass.
ooo
Jo had spent a long time reading the letters and cataloguing them, but a little after four in the afternoon she'd suddenly needed to go out into the garden, to get some fresh air and space around her.
"Madam, are you alright?" Michael saw his employer as she made her way across the hallway towards the morning room.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just need some air." Jo felt herself suddenly get annoyed at what her butler was saying, she wanted to snap back at him that if she wasn't fine she'd tell him, and to stop fussing, but she managed to bite her tongue and, as she made her way through to the yard, she picked up the pregnancy book she'd left on the table that morning.
Ten minutes later, when Jo had decided that both the need for air and her snappiness could be put down to hormones, Michael came outside with the phone in his hand. "Madam, it is Mr. Gillingham … Vice Principal at Master Daniel's school." Michael supplied the extra information as he realised that Jo had no idea who the person on the other end of the line actually was.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Gillin'ham, is Daniel all right, he hasn't arrived home yet, I'm afraid, but he had soccer practice tonight."
"Yes, Mrs Sloan, I am aware of that, your son is still here because I am afraid that his behaviour today has been less than acceptable for this school, or any other I would imagine." Mr. Gillingham's voice was quite loud and Jo moved the receiver a little way from her ear.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Gillin'ham, I don't understand what you mean. Daniel is never in trouble at school."
"No, I realize that, Mrs Sloan, which is why I am calling you rather than handing down an internal suspension."
"Suspension, whatever did he do?" Jo was horrified, and knew that her voice told the Vice-Principal that.
"I would rather not discuss this over the phone; do you think that you could accompany your son to school in the morning? I have arranged an eight-fifteen appointment for you to see me. Daniel informs me that his father may not be able to attend."
"No, not because he doesn't want to, you understand, but because of his job." Jo paused; she didn't want Mr. Gillingham, or anyone else for that matter, thinking that Steve didn't care about his son.
"Yes, I quite understand, he explained that as well. I will send your son home to you now, Mrs Sloan, and I will speak with you again in the morning, good day to you."
"Good day." Jo looked at the now dead phone in her hand; Daniel hadn't been in trouble since changing schools just after she had got away from Werner. She knew it wasn't a huge amount of time, but he'd worked hard, his grades had risen, and he had seemed to be enjoying his schooling again, now though she was full of doubts once more. "Michael, could you come here a moment please?" Jo didn't have to wait very long before her trusty friend and servant came out to join her.
"Yes, Madam?"
Jo knew that however much he wanted to know about Daniel, Michael would not ask.
"Could you drive over to Beverly Hills High an' pick up Daniel? Call him on his cell an' tell him to wait for you just outside the main gates."
"Of course, Madam, I will leave immediately."
"Thank you an', Michael, I don't know what's happened yet, but he's not had a good day."
"Very good, Madam, I will remember that." The Englishman returned to the house, picked up the keys to the family car and then left while Jo sat on the patio and wondered what kind of evening they would have.
ooo
Jesse had only run halfway up the hallway when he heard his name being called.
"Jesse."
He turned, not wanting to stop, but unable to ignore the shout either, and saw Susan standing just off to his left. "Susan, you know I'm in a hurry, what is it?"
"I want to know why you are going to see her when you should be with me." She stepped in front of Jesse, effectively blocking his path to where he needed to go.
"Susan, stop it, it's over, this time round it never started, she is my wife … and I love her." Jesse tried to sidestep the woman, but she countered his every move, until finally in his desperation to get where he was going he pushed her out of the way.
"I told you, Jesse, we were meant to be together, and we will be, I know that, I made a mistake but I love you, and you love me, we will be a couple again … we will." Susan had bumped into the wall as Jesse forced his way past her; she wasn't hurt, but her anger and desperation were both stronger as a result of his actions. Jesse though was unaware of that as he entered the nearest elevator and made his way to the ER.
ooo
Alex had made the arrangements for Rae to be admitted and was just completing the paperwork needed for bloods and urine samples to be taken when he heard voices out in the hall, voices that he recognized. Glancing over at his patient he was relieved to see that the colour was returning to her cheeks, although she was still way to pale for his liking. He decided to give his two friends in the hallway a few minutes before going out to see them himself.
"Steve, do you know how she is?" Jesse was frantic with worry now. He knew that Mark had told him that Rae wasn't injured, that he didn't think it was serious but that meant nothing to him, he needed to see for himself that she was ok.
"No, I don't, she passed out at the station, and seemed to have trouble coming round. I got Cheryl to call 911 and I followed her, Alex has been with her ever since we arrived, but somehow there isn't the urgency that I usually see when Rae is brought in." Steve smiled; it was an enormous relief to him that he was having this conversation with his friend, not because Rae was ill, but because Jesse wanted to know about it. As he was about to speak again he saw Alex coming out of the door to trauma one and indicated to Jesse that news was on its way.
"Alex, is she ok?" Jesse was rubbing his hands against each other, wanting to be doing something, to be moving, to be helping, to be with her.
"I think she's just plain exhausted, Jesse, but I'm gonna keep her here overnight so that I can run some tests, I need to talk with her too, and right now she just doesn't have the strength to hold a conversation." Alex paused for a moment in case Jesse wanted to say anything, but when he nodded the younger doctor carried on talking. "Steve, I'm gonna have to sign her off for the rest of the week, otherwise she'll make herself really ill. If she gets enough sleep over the next three or four days then I think she'll be fine to return on Monday."
"Ok, Alex, no problem, thanks." Steve knew that it was a problem, a huge one; the Chief would probably go ballistic when he heard that Rae was off again, the Red Rose Killings had just grown out of all proportion and he was on desk duty until Monday himself. He knew that Rae would know all of that, would realize better than most what her enforced absence would mean, but there was no way he would let her come back a minute earlier than Alex said.
"Alex, can … can I go and see her?" Jesse was suddenly very unsure of himself, what if she didn't want him anywhere near her? He could understand it, he didn't think he could cope with it, but he'd understand.
"Jesse, can you wait ten minutes? I'm about to get her moved to her room, go grab yourself a cup of coffee and then I'll let you know where she is, ok?" Alex had guided his friend over so that he could see Rae through the glass as he spoke. "By the look of things she is fast asleep anyway, so a few minutes more won't make that much difference."
Jesse had nodded, but he had waited outside the trauma suite so that he could watch her as she was wheeled away.
ooo
Chief Masters looked at the handwritten note on the blotter of his desk and shook his head, he didn't know what had made him even think of it, let alone write it, but he felt better for having done so. A letter to a son he didn't know, may never know, but to whom he felt an unexplainable link.
The black and white picture on his desk of two small children hadn't been there very long, he'd never felt able to have it there, because to look at it was to know that he'd killed his children, but when Elizabeth came back into his life they had talked, over and over, night after night, about what had happened, and gradually he had begun to realize that the pain he'd been carrying with him every day since that awful afternoon was doing no-one, least of all him, any good.
He had searched out the picture that he knew he'd kept and first of all it had sat, face down, on his desk at home. He'd lift it up and look at it periodically, until one day he had found an antique frame in a little store on a visit to New York and he'd finally been able to bring himself to look at their small innocent faces each day. His daughter had only been two days old when the picture was taken, her big brother sitting proudly with her on his lap, there were no other photos, there had been no sense of urgency, no sense of foreboding, just a feeling of satisfaction at the completion of his family, but in one horrific action that had been wiped away and it had taken him half a life time to begin to accept it, and maybe move on.
But losing Elizabeth was almost worse than what they'd gone through in 1967, then at least they had been together, unable to rebuild their shattered lives, but each understanding the feelings of the other, this time though he was alone, the one person that he could maybe share his memories with was the prime suspect in a murder, but he was also his son, a son he didn't know he had, and he was sunning himself in Barbados.
With a quickness of movement that would have surprised even those who thought they knew him best John Masters stood up, moved across to where his jacket was neatly hung on a coat hanger and removed his wallet, he took his credit card out of that and then logged on to the Internet intending to be on the first flight he could find in the morning to view his son from afar, knowing that what he was doing was crazy at best and totally wrong at worst, but also knowing that he had to see the familial stranger, had to see how he lived his life before those officers under his command took it away from him forever.
ooo
Jesse stood just inside the door to Rae's room and tried to evaluate how he felt. There was no doubt that Rae still had the ability to make him feel panic stricken, that if he let his thoughts run away with him he would be unable to do what he knew he had to, not only because Rae needed him, but because he needed her too.
Jesse sat down in the chair next to the bed and looked at his wife's face. He didn't know if she was awake or asleep, but he suspected the latter. He hadn't tried to be quiet, hadn't purposely tip toed in or made no sound, but he knew that she had no idea that he was with her, and that gave him the courage to stay where he was.
For a minute he sat, totally still, and watched her as she slept, he was now sure, by the rhythm of her breathing, that Rae was fast asleep. He'd never intended to mislead her, he had accused her unfairly but only because he'd been too scared to admit to her the true reasons for his decision to leave.
Part of it he had told her, when he was at his most scared he did wish she hadn't come, hadn't invaded his life and taken it over as surely as if she was a lethal virus, but there was more to it than that, and he knew it. His family and his friends were the most important things in the world to Jesse, and twice he'd been warned to keep quiet about what was happening to him or bad things would hurt those he kept closest to his heart.
The first time he'd only had Mark, Steve and Amanda to think about, and he'd kept his word, told them only the barest details about when he'd been spirited away and led to believe that aliens were responsible, life had been good after that, sure it had been dangerous, but when things happened he'd never felt that it was his fault, it had always been due to circumstances that none of them could control, and then Rae had come into his life.
He'd loved her from the first time they'd gone out together. The afternoon they had spent on the beach had been the first of many happy times but then Rae had attracted the attention of a stalker, a crazy man who had almost killed them both. The second time that he targeted Rae; Jesse had made the mistake of telling her about when he'd been kidnapped and dumped in Utah. He knew he shouldn't have done it, should have kept quiet, but he hadn't been able to and all the bad things had started again.
They had survived, barely, and although he had felt the stirrings of something in the back of his mind he'd never let the fears come to the surface. And then Werner had happened, the cop had known things that there was no way he could have unless all that had taken place before had been true, that he really had been taken by aliens, had been one of the last hopes for their planet. Jesse shook his head and put it in his hands. Even to his muddled brain that sounded crazy, but there was no other way around it, was there? But Werner was a cop, all he had to do was access police files and he would know things that had been reported. That was where he got his information.
He closed his eyes and tried to get his thoughts into some sort of order, and as he did so he began to realize something else, something that he should have known from the start, and as he thought it through his heart began to lighten but he also began to get angry, angry at himself, and what he had missed.
Jesse knew that he had done what he thought was best for everyone that he cared for; he'd stayed away from them. He'd kept his distance from everything that meant the most to him and let the thoughts that frightened him take charge and still things kept happening.
He'd never stopped loving Rae, but she had reminded him of what had been, how he'd let Jo be kidnapped, mutilated and attacked, he may have been able to cope with that if she'd been angry but the love he remembered seeing in her eyes when she found him, and the way he'd been even weaker then than before, had just collapsed and let her take all the strain of rescuing him, of having a gun put to the back of her head, and then a dead man fall on her all those things came to the surface when he looked at her. Every time he saw her the bad memories came flooding back, but now he knew that it wasn't because he'd told her something that had happened way before he even knew she existed, nor was it because she attracted trouble and took everyone along with her, it was because if it was him who was the one in trouble then she would always be there for him. She loved him, good and bad together, and so the memories were that way too.
Jesse felt weak from the realization, finally, that what had happened was a natural reaction to a set of terrible situations, and he knew that even though he wouldn't be able to banish the bad thoughts and feelings right away, he had begun to do so.