Chapter 1: Part 2
I wandered aimlessly for a time. I had managed to rid myself of the troublesome waist-jacket and had my shoes slung over my shoulder, held together by their laces. I did not know where I was going, nor did I care. My mind was heavy and dull, as if the weight of the world was draped across my shoulders like a cloak five sizes to large.
Eventually, the sounds of gulls and many voices drew my attention upward. I gasped at the sight before my eyes. My hungry gaze drank in the sight of many ships lay poised in the ebbs and flow of the diamond-studded water. White sails stood out brightly against the brilliantly blue sky as the gray gulls played on the sea breeze.
I believe it may have been the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
I slowly became aware of the roar of many people, shouting instructions, cursing, laughing, and the thud and groan of barrels and crates being moved on or off the ships. And the people! All sorts of people moved on or about the deck and shore. They were colored white and black, dark-tanned and tough-skinned. They had scars, missing limbs, fake teeth, no teeth, or one eye. Colorful tropical birds cawed and flew to perch on ropes and shoulders. They wore dirtied clothes, ripped and frayed, or freshly pressed uniforms, almost blindingly white and red. They were, in a word, sailors.
I do not recall a moment before or since that filled me with so much awe. It was as though, for a moment, everything slid into focus. Nothing else in the world existed except that simple moment, of sailors readying themselves for first sail. I still experience that same pleasure to this day, but to a greatly lesser degree.
There is something wonderfully right about that sight. I stood there for a long time, simply watching them work. They didn't notice me, me being only a little thing a good hundred yards way with over-large, blue-green eyes. They didn't notice me, but, oh, I noticed them. I felt as though I saw even the simplest thread poking out of the dirtiest clothing of the men.
Eventually, a yell made itself heard above the general ruckus, causing an immediate cease in activity. I was jerked out of my hypnotized state to find the sun only a silent sliver slipping into the sea.
They were stopping for the day. Yet, I was still unable to tear myself away from the scene. I meant to settle myself down and continue to watch until I fell asleep. However, I found my feet propelling me forward. I crept silently along the wooden crates, thrilled with the fact that that little skill had not been lost in the depths of my layers of clothes. It would not be the last time I had that thought.
I found myself behind a group of barrels that separated the men from the seaside, peering through at them with a curiosity that most definitely would have killed the cat. However, I was confident with my nine lives. My eyes took in a scene rarely seen by someone as young as I. The men sat in a mass of large and small groups around various fires, started to drive off the dark and cold. There were many bottles being passed from hand to hand amidst ruckus laughter. Uniformed Navy-men gathered around a small table staring down at something I could not see. I assume now that it was a map on their course. My attention pulled away from them to what must have been merchant sailors, starting a bawdy song about cabbages. I did not understand many of the words or most of the gestures, but their enthusiasm made me giggle.
"Here now, what's this?" Terror swamped through me when a voice sounded right next to me. I tried to jump and spin at the same time, ending up on my posterior. I stared up at a Navy-man, who was watching me with an amused expression.
"This is no place for a child. Are you lost?" he asked, crouching down by my side. I scowled. I was no child! I was nearly eight years old and perfectly capable of staying out without getting lost!
The man tilted his head down at me, examining me as I was him. He was younger than Jerold and my father had been. I suppose he was a few years over the age of twenty. He wore a brown wig with his hat held casually in his hand. A slim, aristocratic face made him seem more he was dressed to attend a masquerade rather than an actual sailor.
I am not sure what he saw in me that cause him to smile thus. "Do you speak?" he asked. I only stared at him, too awed and terrified to even think of moving. "No? Well, let's see if we can't find your father or mother. I'm sure they know how to understand a silent waif like you."
My fear subsided slightly at his casual turn of words. Instead of taking the proffered hand, I stood stiffly, not only to lessen the pain in my back of my recent punishment, but to show this man that I was no frightened child. I watched him coldly, masking my curiosity behind a haughty expression I remembered Jerold showing Navy-men. The man blinked at me and looked to be trying not to laugh.
I went to open my mouth to demand what he found so amusing when a flash of a lamp caught my attention. The thought-to-be banished fear returned two-fold at the sight of this newest creature. It was huge. It had to be the largest creature I had ever seen. So large was he, in fact, that I believe that he could have been used for a substitute anchor, should the need arise. I could smell him before I ever saw his face. The world "bathe" must have been as sacrilegious to this man as my father's name in Jerold's presence. He had a vicious scar traveling the length of his face and part of his neck. He didn't even wear a patch to cover the remains of his eye that leaked a small glob of puss. The other eye was small and sharp, catching Navy-man in a vice-like gaze.
"Gharner," the giant growled in a rumble of thunder. "What're you do'n out here?" There seemed to be too many 'r's in his words, as if he spoke through clenched teeth. Suddenly, his single eye dropped down to me. Jerking back, I hid myself behind Navy-man's leg, still peering at Giant fearfully. Navy-man placed a hand on my head. His hand was coarse with hard-work, but it lay softly against my brow.
"As you can tell," my Navy-man spoke, "I discovered this little, lost waif-ling ghosting the outskirts of our camp. I thought I might try and find his parents since we have the evening off."
Giant scowled. Pressing myself more firmly against my Navy-man's knee, I stared balefully up at him. "Remember your station, boy. You will address me with respect," he spat. I felt my Navy-man tense beneath my fisted hands.
"My apologizes, Lieutenant Durming," he said stiffly with a small salute. "Requesting permission to find this child's parents before he gets himself hurt?"
Giant snorted and looked disdainfully down his massive nose at me. "Granted. We don't want a useless runt running around underfoot. Be back in an hour."
Navy-man saluted again before touching the back of my head to lead me away. As I followed him I couldn't resist glancing back at the fierce giant and sticking out my tongue at him. At the startled exclamation, I whirled around and took off on sure feet. I heard Navy-man's yell. I ignored him, continuing to chase my fears ahead of me until they scattered into the night.
I felt, more than heard, my Navy-man chasing after me. Despite that knowledge, I was startled when I felt the world rush upwards as I was swept up. "Caught you!" I heard him laugh, but already I was struggling franticly against his hold. Twisting my body, I felt the pull and objecting scream of my newly acquired welts as I managed to slip away. I staggered a few feet away before spinning to pin him with my most ferocious look. Navy-man remained still. His eyes were wide as they met my accusing ones.
"Hey, now," he said, his voice much softer. "I won't hurt you. I only wish to help find your parents. Isn't that what you want?" He took a tentative step forward, stopping as I backed away.
Want? My mind spit out in the privacy of my own head. Since when was what I wanted granted any consideration? If I had what I wanted, then my father would still be alive and Jerold would be in his place. This was anything but what I wanted. I could feel the bindings Jerold placed upon me tightening around me like a corset, crushing the breath out of me.
It was not as though Jerold treated me cruelly. No, it was not that at all. Jerold refused to have anything to do with me other than strike me. As a child, I was helpless. The only way people could truly meet your gaze when you are a child, is if you have someone to support you. If there is no backing than you just fade into the surroundings, unimportant. My mother had been sent to a special clinic by Jerold on her first illness she contrived since his arrival. Alone, I faced the broad back of my supposed grandfather. If asked to describe his face, I would have no reply. The man was not cruel to me, oh no. He simply acted as though I did not exist outside those painful moments when he was viciously reminded that I still remained. It did not matter to me, I realized. Jerold's opinion did not matter to me. He was not important, nor what I needed.
This Navy-man was kind, but he did not care about me. My heart ached for the kindness I had been used to when my father was still alive. My hatred and rebellion was not solely for the fact that Jerold had put restrictions upon me, because as I think back, they were terribly mild compared to what I had yet to experience. What chafed at me, what drove me to such reckless destruction was simply that fact that I wanted him to acknowledge me. I wanted to shout at the back of his finely-tailored coat that Here I Was! I was alive. I did not cease to exist along with my father. I was still here! I was not some trinket to be placed on a shelf and then ignored. He did not understand me. He did not see me.
What I needed was my mother. I needed to feel the warmth of her against my back. I shivered, wrapping my small arms about my middle. As if from far away, I heard Navy-man shift forward slightly. I was so immersed in my grief that I paid it no mind. Therefore, I was surprised to feel warmth encircle me, drawing me into an embrace that felt foreign and alien to me. I tensed, my eyes flaring wide and took in the view of the slightly tarnished embroidery on the bright red uniform. The Navy-man held me in his arms, cradling me as if I was only a child, scared of the dark. The fear was back, I could feel the scream of the belt ripping through the air. If Jerold found out that I was cohorts with the Navy…! I kicked out as hard as I could. Navy-man made a strange, gurgling noise and crumpled, clutching at himself with watery eyes. I drew away, kicked him in the shin for good measure, and ran.
It is fortunate, indeed, that I had run toward the beach. If I had gone inland, then there would have been no doubt that I would be hopelessly lost. I knew this worn path well. It was frightfully easy to find my house and slip unnoticed through the small, kitchen window. My own room left me with a dubious sense of peace with the knowledge that Jerold could enter at any moment. Instead of sneaking back to my room, I dug out a small bowl by the wall in the mound of coal and soot by the fire-place. The ashes were still warm from being situated so close to the heat. There, I curled up and fell into a deep sleep. The next morning would bring questions and, most likely, pain. However, at that moment I couldn't seem to make myself care. My dreams were full of the call of gulls and the wash and roar of waves.