Rating: PG, it's angst, and it's GC, but no happy ending for GC, you got the warning.
Spoilers: Nope.
Summary: Sometimes you do what you have to do, even when you don't want to.
Disclaimer: Show, not mine, characters, not me, they all belong to CBS. And the song I used is Sarah McLachlan's "Do What You Have To Do", it's not mine, either.
Distribution: The Graveyard Shift, CSI Center, my site and here.
Feedback: Always welcome.
A/N: I know I said no sequel, but I just can't help, I need to write down my angstness....so here it is, the sequel to "Because I didn't Say". Thanks Angie for the wonderful betaing. Thanks Nikita, Amanda, Selena, Ru and David for their encouragement and your supports for GC and the MSN talking, you're the best! Thanks Erica for your GCness and sharing your MargLove with me, love you! ::kisses:: Thanks Sophie for your push and compliment, this one is for you and Erica, I hope you like it. Thanks the Gutter girls in MargForum, you girls rock! And finally thank you all in the GC group, GC Forever!
I don't know how long I have been sitting in the living room, holding a glass of wine, just staring in the dark.
What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
It's almost midnight, I guess. Lindsey just called me and said goodnight. She has a sleepover in one of her friends' house. She's so excited about it that I just don't have the heart to tell her about my decision.
The decision that we have to leave Las Vegas.
Created you a monster
Broken by a rule of love
How can I be so selfish? How can I want my daughter to leave the only place she knows and grews up at? And to leave her friends and the people she knows here? How can you do this to your little girl, Catherine? Just because you can't accept the truth. That your best friend doesn't love you. It doesn't mean Lindsey has to leave her home here.
I'm so pathetic.
But I have to do this. I'm not that strong and I'm selfish, and I have to let Lindsey understand.
Tomorrow is my day off, I will take Lindsey to her favorite ice cream store and talk to her. But what am I supposed to tell her? I need her to understand, but I don't think she will. Just like Gil will never understand why I have to leave.
But I need her to understand, please let her understand.
And fate has lead you through it
You do what you have to do
I put my resignation on Gil's desk a few hours ago. After finishing the case and saying goodbye to Nick, I walked to the locker room and took the resignation. The way to Gil's office was the longest and hardest road that I've ever walked. Every step was heavier than I thought, every step to his office was taking me away from him and made my shattered heart break into pieces again.
Gil was not in his office, and that was a little relief for me. I didn't think I could say the goodbye to him face to face. I didn't think I could look in his blue eyes and say that I am leaving, leaving the lab, leaving Las Vegas.
And leaving him.
I didn't think I could do it.
And fate has lead you through it
You do what you have to do
So I just put the resignation on Gil's desk and looked at the office, his office, for one last time. The nights that both of us did our papers together here, the times that he let me sleep on his couch while he was doing the files, the memories when we had breakfasts and talkings here, they're too much. They made the warmness full with my eyes all over again.
I felt like I couldn't dare to stay for one more moment, without looking back.
And now here I am, sitting alone in the dark, thinking about things that I shouldn't think about, thinking about the man I shouldn't love.
My best friend.
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
There's knocking on my door, closing my eyes I sigh. I know who the person is and right now, I don't think I have the strength to face him. I don't think I'm ready.
I don't think I'll ever be ready.
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
The knock is starting again, I want to yell at him and tell him to leave me alone. But I don't say a word, I just keep silent in the dark and hope he will think that I'm sleeping and leave me alone.
The knock stops, good, he's leaving now. Then I can continue to pity with myself all night and alone.
But I'm wrong. I hear the door opening, he must have opened the door with the key I gave him for emergencies. I should have known it.
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
It's dark inside but I can feel his eyes searching for me. I know he sees me sitting on the sofa and back with him. He can't see my face, he doesn't know if I know he's here. He just stops his steps, staring at me.
"Are you just coming here to stare at my back all night?"
Hearing the bitterness in my voice, I don't turn around to face him.
But he doesn't say a word, I wonder what's in his mind now.
"What are you doing here, Grissom?"
"I need an answer."
I can tell he still doesn't move, and I still don't have the guts to turn to him. It's so depressing. I can't do this.
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
"What answer?"
"The answer why I found your resignation on my desk."
So that's why he's here, he still cares.
God, stop it, Catherine, it's too late.
That I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
"I thought I wrote that very clear in the resignation."
"You said you wanted a new life."
"So you did read the resignation."
"I don't understand it."
"Which part of my resignation don't you understand, Grissom?"
I finally stand up from the sofa, turning around and looking at him.
He looks so terrified.
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
At this moment, he's not the Gil Grissom I know. The Gil I know won't show his emotion on his face and let everyone see it, the Gil I know is always calm and knows what to do, but he is not now.
The sadness and anger in his face are showing how emotional he is now. His face is pale and full of fear. It's like a truck runs over him minutes ago, I never saw him like this.
"Why are you leaving?"
"You read the resignation, Grissom, you know why."
"You said you want to leave Las Vegas for a new life, but why are you leaving me?"
Dammit, why is he always making things so difficult? How can I explain it to him? Should I tell him the truth? Should I tell him the one and only reason why I need to leave?
I don't think he will understand.
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
"I'm not leaving you. Okay, I'm leaving here so it means I won't work with you any more, but I'm not leaving you, Grissom, we're best friends."
Yep, that's right, best friends. That's what we are to each other and will always be, that's why I have to leave.
"I don't want my best friend to leave me."
He's making me cry again.
He's making me want to forget everything and stay. I don't want to leave him, either. But I have to.
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, even you don't want to.
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
"Gil, please understand, I don't want to leave my best friend, either. But I have to start a new life. I need to."
And I wish I could start a new life with you.
"What am I going to do without you by my side Catherine?"
He's crying now, and it just breaks my heart. I don't understand it, how can I hurt him like this? It should be me that gets hurt by him.
And I have the sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
"Shhh.....it's okay, Gil. We will still keep in touch, I will call you and you can call me anytime. We will still have each other, you're not gonna get rid of me in your life that easy."
I move to his side and hug him, comforting him like a baby. I want to take the pain that I cause to him away, but I can't. I get hurt too much to take his.
"Is there anything I can do to make you stay, Catherine? I'd do anything to make you stay."
He has been sweet, he'' so sweet that I wonder where the real Grissom is, so sweet that I almost forget the real reason that I need to leave.
Almost.
"Sorry, honey, no, ther''s nothing you can do this time. You have to let me go, I'm a big girl now."
And I have to let you go, too, Gil, that's why I have to leave.
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
He just looks at me with his puppy-boyish eyes while I am hugging him.
"Don't try that look on me mister, it won't work this time."
He's smiling now, knowing that I try to light up the mood, but the sadness is still with him.
"I don't know what to say, Catherine. I don't want to say goodbye."
And I don't want to say goodbye to you either Gil, I would never have thought we would say these words to each other.
"Then don't. Just say good night to me till the next time."
He nods, putting away from my embrace, but still standing closely in the front of me, smiling shyly.
"Sorry I got so emotional, I'll leave now and let you rest."
He is becoming the Gil I know now, the one who always takes care of me. I know I'm gonna miss the part of him. Who am I kidding? I'm already missing him. He's starting to leave, I walk beside him to the door.
"How about having a dinner with me and Lindsey tomorrow? She will be happy to see you."
"Sure, I'd love to. Good night, Catherine."
"Good night, Gil."
Closing the door, I laid my back, there's an old saying coming to my mind.
"The farthest distance is not between death and life in the world, the farthest distance in the world is when you stand in the front of someone who you love and he doesn't know you love him."
But it's not the farthest distance between Gil and me.
The farthest distance between us is that I know I will love him for the rest of my life and he will never know it and will never love me back in the way that I want to be loved.
It's the farthest distance between us that will never shorten, never end.
::fins::