Harody Parody Monologues
Whore!Hermione Monologue
(1-part dumbfemale )
5 minutes
Hermione: I don't understand; why is it that girls like Fleur Delacour are fawned over by men as if they are Greek Goddesses? Why is it that no matter how many OWL's I might receive in school, I--Hermione Granger--am the only girl who cannot woo a boy's affections? I suppose it must come to a deep analytical evaluation of what sets me apart from girls like Cho Chang and Fleur; there must be an underlined message that I keep overlooking as a successful female in Hogwarts society. Wait--that's it! I'm successful. I'm brilliant, witty and mature…and they just have big boobs!
Eureka! I have come to the conclusion of what I must do to become the girl that all of the boys love and all of the girls envy! I must become a whore! So long library pass! So long IQ of one-billion! All I must do is sell my Coochie for Gucci…then I'll be well-respected! Yes, the simplicity of it all! I'll find an enlarging spell for my boobs (points at boobs with wand) Enlargo My Boobs! Ha! And my butt too! I want a J-Lo Booty! Maximo My Ass! This is fabulous! Now I must straighten my thick knotty hair and steal some of Draco's hair products to achieve that glorious shine! I must dye my hair blonde, too! Why? Because knotty ginger hair is unsightly and no one wants a know-it-all with knotty ginger hair! I will fix my buckteeth and smile like I'm in a toothpaste commercial! Ooh! Yes, I know what else to do! I'll buy all of my clothing eight sizes too small so that when I exhale, my buttons will pop off my shirt and put someone's eyes out! I'll bee too sexy for my shirt…literally! Then I will sleep with everyone on the quidditch teams and I will get the nickname Granger the Human Doorknob! Bwhahaha! Bloody brilliant!
When I go into Potions, I will seduce Professor Snape and do the hanky-panky with him just because I'm a sex-goddess! And then the greasy git will give me the highest marks in the class! Who cares about statutory rape laws? I don't…that's who! We will shag everyday in the Filch's office like mad animals and everyone will know! Then…I'll stop answering questions in class and I'll say the first moronic thing that comes to mind! "I didn't knowNorweigan Ridgebacked Dragonshad wings!" My stupidity will be infamous and my reputation will proceed me evermore! And then I'll have friends! Everyone wants to befriend the idiotic blonde that sleeps with the teacher!
And then, years after my patheticschool years,I will become impregnated and I won't be quite sure who the father of my child will be! I'll go to muggle talk shows and weep my pathetic little eyes out when Maury announces "You are not the father" to the hundredth man I've brought on the show! I will be pitied and they will give me and my bastard child tickets to Disney World as a reward for my own stupid actions! Then I will go on welfare and smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and marry a trucker named Bob! My whole life is planned before me…this is so much simpler than studying for my Ancient Runes test!
Today marks a new era for Hermione Granger, ladies and gentlemen! Mark my words--never again will I be the girl that couldn't woo a man's affections! Never again will I be that Book-worm or that Know-it-All! I will change my name to Jessica Brittany Alexis Crystal Jamie Brooke Granger! All will suffer my wrath! Like Totally!