Terrible Hellsing Christmas Doggerel. Probably contains spoilers
Please don't shoot me.
Yrs,
Cpt. U. K. S, CJD, KipCBE
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Twas the night before christmas
He stepped in through the door
Most of the Hellsing soldiers
Were passed out on the floor
He stepped everso daintily
O'er an AK47
Most of the Hellsing soldiers
Were dreaming of whorish heaven
And over to the tree he went
Underneath which were the presents
The sound of all the snoring
Really wasn't very pleasant.
He gathered up all the presents
And off away did flee
Dragging a sack behind him
And chuckling with glee
Sergeant Campbell, new from Glasgow
Sensed something was amiss
Awoke from his sweet dreaming
Of bonnie lasses to kiss
'Ye scunners!' The sergeant bellowed
As he scratched hard at his crotch
"Which one o' ye lazy gits
Is on the christmas tree watch?"
"Ye lazy pile o' saesenachs!"
"The sergeant, angry, cried
Asleeping at yer posts?
Where's a' yer regimental pride?"
"We'd best be fetchin' mistress."
Said Corporal MacDuff.
"Some bastard while we's dozing
Nicked off wi the presents and stuff.."
And so eventually down the stairs
In her stripy dressing gown
Came Sir Integra Hellsing
With her brows creased in a frown.
"There had better be a reason
why you dragged me out of bed
Or soon you'll find my vampire servants
Playing with your head."
"Was he seen?" She soon enquired.
"The dastardly perpetrator?"
"Nae, ma'am." Said the sergeant
"Was was a' oot on thae floor"
"No matter." Said Sir Hellsing
With most hideous a smile
"In this crisp cold air he'll leave a scent trail"
"That can be tracked for many a long mile."
"Alucard! Seras!
I demand you come here."
In two puffs of darkness
The vampires appeared.
"There is far more to this
Than simple thievery.
Those were no ordinary presents
Underneath the Hellsing tree."
"In those boxes and those packages
That you guarded oh so well
Were enough guns and explosives
To blow entire cities to hell"
"Working SA80 rifles
A great rarity
That new ICBM
Jack Straw promised me."
"For services rendered
The Vampire Alucard
From H.M. at Buck. Palace
A medal and card."
"Explosive quicksilver
cluster bomb shells
A "Feyd-Rautha" cannon
For Seras as well."
"Oh no." Said poor Seras
With tears in her eyes
"That would have been
Such a lovely surprise"
Appearing from no-where,
Rubbing chin thoughtfully
A cold-eyed vampire butler
Regarded the tree
"The sharp smell of cordite
We'll easily follow
I suggest we get going
If we're to be back by tomorrow."
Three clouds of black substance
Flew o'er hill and dale
Leaving Santa and his reindeer
All shaking and pale.
They traced that green meanie
To his mountain lair
But when they all caught him
No presents were there.
The terrified grinch
They tied up with wires
"What's been done with the presents?"
Walter politely enquired.
He cried "I put them under
The Who-ville Christmas Tree!
They're set to explode
At a quarter to three!"
"I'm sick of all the noises
And I'm sick of the fun!
This time I will blow those Whos
Away to kingdom come!"
"A creature after my own heart." Alucard mused.
Making Seras at him frown
Walter rolled his eyes. "I suppose..
We had better save that town."
A cloud of bats descended on
the christmas tree en masse
I wouldn't have looked out of place
In the Nightmare Before Christmas
The presents all surrounded a
Block of ticking dynamite
In another five minutes the citizens of Whoville
Would get an awful fright
They wondered how to diffuse it?
Which wire would do the job?
Then Alucard reached out
And stuffed the bomb into his gob.
He grinned like he'd invented
A new and wondrous game
There was a muffled boom and then
He belched a gout of flame.
The other two put their hands together
And gave polite applause
They gathered up the presents and they
Left without a pause.
There was celebration and carousing
At the Hellsing house that night
The vampires had saved christmas
And everything was now all right.
And what of the Grinch, did he run away
As fast as he was able?
Perhaps, but there was a strange new dish
On Hellsing's christmas table.