Title: Snape Side Story
Author: Beautiful Lady
Rating: PG
Summary: What exactly is Snape doing in that dungeon? And why, oh, why, does he have to sing about it? For anyone who ever wanted Snape to burst into song for no apparent reason.
Author Notes: One would be advised to either be familiar with the music from West Side Story or to go forth and obtain a copy of "I Feel Pretty" from whatever source you find most available.
Setting: The dungeons of Hogwarts right around showtime…er…dinnertime. Severus Snape is engrossed in work, as is his custom. But unlike every other day, something is afoot…
Unbeknownst to our favourite spy, others have taken the time to crash his little dungeon and do some spying of their own. Multiple, interested parties have pondered to themselves for years, "What exactly does Severus Snape do in that dungeon all day?" Today happens to be the day when they have decided to satisfy their curiosity once and for all. Perhaps they should have left well enough alone.
SNAPE (leaning low over a stained tome and muttering to himself): Yes, if I take out the arsenic and the frog blood, it will be perfect, perfect, PERFECT!
He slams the book closed and stands over a smoking cauldron. While he is looking for a ladle, a mysterious figure drops from nowhere, dips a cup into the brewing concoction and then disappears again before Snape is any wiser. He looks around suspiciously, sure he heard a noise, and then shrugs. He brandishes the ladle like Charlie might his golden ticket, dollops a healthy amount of the brew into a beaker and lifts it high into the air. Unseen, several pairs of attentive eyes lean in closer. What, what could it be?
SNAPE: I've done it!
Lightning flashes and sinister organ music comes from nowhere.
SNAPE: I shall call it, "Lite Beer" and it will be less filling, but taste great!
He begins to cackle maniacally as he tosses back the beverage
SNAPE (eyes watering a bit): I am a genius! All shall know my name and rejoice! And then when the world thanks me for my contribution to college parties everywhere, no one will take me for granted again! No one will dare mock the name of Severus Snape!
He throws the beaker to the ground with a satisfying smash and gathers up his voluminous robes. He is vaguely aware of the sound of coughing as if someone just swallowed something particularly strong, but he's too caught up in the moment to notice.
SNAPE: All of this invention has made me feel...refreshed. Of course, it could be the mood altering properties of alcohol, but I won't quibble. Yes! I feel more like my old self...In fact...
He twirls, gives a little giggle and poses impressively. And, perfectly on cue, music swirls through the dungeons, as Severus Snape, mean-spirited, greasy, terror, cannot suppress the urge...to sing.
SNAPE (in a high tenor)
I feel snarky,
Oh, so snarky!
I feel snarky and bitchy and cruel!
And I despise
Griffindors, puppies, Girl Scouts, and fools!
Snape circles the room, rubbing his hands together and looking crazed as he dances between eerily bubbling cauldrons. He adds an impressive turn here and there because he likes it when his robes swirl out and look real purdy...
SNAPE
I feel bitter
Oh, so bitter,
Just consider how bitter I feel!
And so snarky
That you hardly can believe I'm real!
He waves his wand and a heavy looking bowl floats into the air. He places the tip of his wand to his head and draws out filmy looking wisps that he places in the basin. An image of Snape floats to the surface. Oddly, it's a scene of him at last year's Christmas party when he had a bit too much scotch and ended up doing the samba with Madam Hooch...
SNAPE
See the snarky man in that pensieve there:
Who could that sarcastic man be?
Such a snarky face,
Such a snarky robe,
Such a snarky smirk,
Such a snarky me!
He collapses into his seat, arms wide and spins around, ending with his knees up and his arms draped over them delicately. He blinks innocently and pulls a coy smile. His hands wave back and forth in time with the music.
SNAPE
I feel biting,
And so scathing,
Feel like mocking and scolding all day!
For I see
I'm a snarky, difficult me!
Snape dances around a bit more, happy to be unhappy.
Suddenly, Lucius Malfoy's head springs out from behind the curtains covering Snape's windows. Lucius leans around the curtain and begins singing with a conspiratorial look on his face.
LUCIUS
Have you met my old friend Severus,
The snarkiest man that we know?
You'll know him the minute you see him,
He's the git with the nose like the one on a crow.
Snape's back stiffens because, although Lucius thinks he's being quiet, stealthy he ain't. Snape can hear every word and he's not hap-hap-happy about it.
DEATH EATERS (suddenly popping out from behind the curtain where they were hiding with Lucius. Oblivious to the danger, they commence to sing even more loudly)
He thinks he's been wronged!
He thinks he's been hurt!
Draco Malfoy is inexplicably lowered from the ceiling by a rope tied around his waist just long enough to say...
DRACO
La, la, la...
...and then raised again with a violent jerk. One might notice an empty cup in his hands, were one so inclined. Snape wheels to see who was contributing unwanted back chorus, but finds nothing but empty air with a few strands of blonde hair floating in it...
LUCIUS (still behind the curtain and frowning at the place in midair where his son used to be)
He hasn't been wronged,
He's merely a jerk.
Snape's eye begins to twitch and he raises his wand threateningly...
DEATH EATERS (continuing to sing as if Snape can't hear them)
It must be the fumes
Or some magic spell
DRACO (suddenly dropping from the ceiling again and looking a little green for the motion)
La, la, la...
This time he's retrieved with more speed as Snape almost turns in time to see him...
DEATH EATERS (getting dizzy from watching Draco, the Amazing Bouncing Yo-Yo)
Or too many 'shrooms!
But he'll never tell.
DEATH EATERS and LUCIUS
Keep away from him!
Call Azkaban!
He's too deadly,
With that contraband!
Bottling fame,
Brewing glory, too!
DRACO (lowered jerkily and singing weakly from behind his hand...he really doesn't look so good...)
La, la, laaaa...
...and then the rope breaks. Draco collapses on the floor and becomes violently ill. He crawls pitifully away and Snape turns just in time to see a shiny black shoe disappearing behind his desk...
DEATH EATERS (disgusted by the unidentifiable icky that Draco left behind and waving their hands before their faces)
And keeping death tame
With nasty homebrew!
Snape has had enough with the loudly whispering Death Eaters and is just about to cast a curse when there is a bright flash of gaudy purple and Lord Voldemort prances into the dungeon. If you, like Hermione, have read Hogwarts: A History and are wondering how it is that Voldemort just popped into the school, repeat to yourself that it's just a bad, fanfiction song parody and relax. The music takes a brief interlude to allow the Dark Lord time to monologue...
VOLDEMORT (nonchalantly examining his nails): I believe I heard out of character singing. From my Death Eaters? Tsk, tsk. Such behaviour requires a full explanation.
All the Death Eaters scramble from behind the curtain to bow and kneel. Snape's eyes widen at how many people were hiding behind his crushed velvet curtains. His dungeon is the proverbial clown car as more Death Eaters literally crawl from the woodwork. Walden Macnair was somehow squeezed into a teacup that once belonged to Snape's great aunt Bertha. He doesn't want to fathom how Goyle Sr. wedged himself into that grandfather clock. Lucius and Snape have a miniature shoving contest to determine who kneels directly before He Who Must Eat with a Safety Fork and the insufficient explanation begins.
LUCIUS (embarrassed): Ah, well, yes, My Lord. It all came about quite suddenly. There was a little of this, a little of that, and then the music sort of...crescendoed. It's rather...expected that a full-blown musical number occur at such times. There was full orchestration, you see...
Voldemort raises what should be an eyebrow and doesn't look like he buys this at all. There is a collective gulp of dismay (and the sounds of Draco loosing his lunch) as the Death Eaters suddenly realise that, while there are many things that the Dark Lord will forgive -- like betrayal and abandonment -- jazzy musical numbers are just not among them.
MACNAIR: Snape started it!
SNAPE: Quiet, fool!
VOLDEMORT: Is this true, Severus?
SNAPE: (glaring at Macnair who sticks his tongue out) Yes, My Lord.
VOLDEMORT: Well, I deem to forgive you.
Snape heaves a sigh of relief and bows even lower. Macnair mutters something about Snape being the "Dark Lord's Pet" and crosses his arms huffily.
SNAPE: Thank you, My Lord. Your mercy is, as always, poorly timed, surprising and rather incomprehensible.
VOLDEMORT: Mercy? Don't think that I'm doing this for mercy! I'm only doing this for one reason.
LUCIUS: And what reason is that, My Lord?
Voldemort suddenly stands in a flurry of robes, turns around dramatically and says.
VOLDEMORT: Well because...
(cue music)
I feel vicious,
Oh, so vicious!
It's delicious how vicious I'll be!
All the wizards
Should be forced to bow and honour me!
DEATH EATERS (standing to twirl in synchronisation)
La la la la la la la la laa...
VOLDEMORT (randomly blowing things up and making pretty colours fly from his wand)
I feel callous,
I feel heartless,
I feel righteous and churlish and bold!
And so evil
Albus Dumbledore can just explode!
DEATH EATERS (hiding their disgust at the idea of geezer body parts soaring through the air)
La la la la la la la la laa...???
The Mirror of Erised manifests in front of Voldemort who turns a circle to see if his butt looks big in his robes.
VOLDEMORT
See that evil man in that mirror there:
DEATH EATERS (looking around at anything but old snake-face checking himself out)
What mirror where?
VOLDEMORT
Who can that malicious man be?
HARRY POTTER (from his hiding place beneath his invisibility cloak)
Which?
SNAPE
What?
LUCIUS
Where?
DRACO (barfing)
Whom?
VOLDEMORT (harmonising with the Death Eaters)
Such an evil face,
Such an evil robe,
Such an evil smile,
Such an evil me!
SNAPE (scowling because his musical number was absconded with)
Such and evil me
DEATH EATERS
Such an evil me!
LUCIUS (standing on top of a chair, arms akimbo and belting)
SUCH AN EVIL ME!!!
VOLDEMORT: Excuse me, this is my musical number. GET DOWN!
LUCIUS: (falling off the chair and kneeling) I'm sorry, My Lord. I got caught up in the groove. I apologise.
VOLDEMORT: I'll forgive you. And do you know why?
Lucius shakes his head, unhappily certain that he's about to find out.
VOLDEMORT (twirling a cane that came from nowhere and tipping a top hat that came from the same, a single spotlight shines on him): Hit it boys.
Snape's velvet curtains pull back to reveal the entire staff and student population of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry decked out with canes and top hats
EVERYONE (and an invisible Harry Potter, too)
I feel cunning
And distrusting,
DEATH EATERS
Feel like hunting and killing when bored!
For I work
For an evil, psychopath Lord!
Draco Malfoy slides across the floor on his knees and halts right before Voldemort.
DRACO
Yeah!
The music stops and everyone kind of looks around embarrassed. Hagrid pulls the too-small top hat off his head and wonders what he's doing with it on. Bellatrix Lestrange obviously shares the sentiment and catches hers on fire. Albus Dumbledore, however, looks thoroughly pleased to be wearing a suit and tails over his robes and does an impromptu tap routine. Suddenly, someone clears a throat.
SNAPE: Yes, well as charming as this all was, I am working on a very delicate experiment and I wish that you would all just go away. Now. Immediately. Post haste.
Everyone gives a knowing snicker, or a chuckle, or a chortle, or an outright guffaw.
DUMBLEDORE: Surely, old boy! We'll just let you get back to your -- snicker, snicker – what did you say?
VOLDEMORT: I believe, Albus, that it was his "Important experiment" – snicker, snicker...
HARRY POTTER (still invisible): No, no, it was "delicate!" -- chortle
LUCIUS: Of course it is! (guffaws)
DRACO : No it isn"t! That shite is killer! It could burn the skin off your bloody arm!
SNAPE (aims his wand at everyone): I'm giving you ten seconds to get out of my dungeons or it"s unforgivables all around...
There's a hurried scrambling out of the room and Snape gives a sigh of relief though he notices that someone unseen is sloshing what looks like Lite Beer on his floor as they scamper away.
SNAPE: A hundred points from Griffindor for, for...theft. And another hundred for ruining my musical number!
HARRY POTTER: But Voldemort ruined your musical number!
SNAPE: Well I can't very well take points from the Dark Lord, now can I?
HARRY POTTER: You're so...unfair!
SNAPE (smiling wickedly): No, I'm snarky.
Curtain lowers...
End
Urm...What was that? Why does it exist? Where is the Bat Cave? No one knows, my friends. No one knows. But, if you've read my Trigun fics, you do know that I have a strange obsession with parodying West Side Story. May I be forgiven by the gods of Broadway. I also seem to have this thing about having characters that wouldn't normally sing burst into song and dance routines. Wow, I'm noticing trends in my own fics...that's just sad and probably means I need to grow and change as a writer. Blah.