Anchor

Author: Amy Jonas

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Category: Gen/Het

Rating: PG

Summary: Sequal to Cross to Bear. It's the morning after but doesn't need to be read first.

Disclaimers: Not mine. But I treat them with respect and love

I know that I'll never be alone,

you will never let me go,

you are my anchor

I don't know what to do.

The clink of silverwear against plates disrupts the uneasy silence as we eat dinner. Yves and I cooked together. Seafood linguini with a pesto sauce. I might as well be eating rawhide. I can't taste it. I push the noodles around my plate with my fork and glance at Yves. She's hardly touched her food either.

I don't know what to do.

Last night Yves scared the hell out of me.

I guess I should backtrack a little. You see, Yves had been out of the country for a few weeks. I don't know why, she wouldn't tell me. She just said there was something she had to take care of. I didn't push her because it doesn't always work and I've learned when to back off.

Anyway; she came home yesterday. I didn't even know until she called inviting me over. She offered to cook and we'd have a romantic dinner. I told her sure. Only problem was I was supposed to go on an interview with Byers. I asked Langly to take my place but he refused. He gave me a hard time about taking off; shirking my duties just because my girlfriend snapped her fingers. It was a few minutes before I realized he was razzing me.

Thank God, cause I really wanted to see Yves. I missed her but I was worried too. There hadn't been any way to contact her while she was gone.

Before and during dinner she seemed out of sorts; real quiet. I thought maybe she had jet lag and offered to leave so she could get some rest. She said no, she wanted to be with me.

After dinner we opened a bottle of wine and moved to the living room. We were sitting on the couch; drinking the wine, talking and we started kissing. Things were getting pretty hot so Yves took our glasses and set them on the coffee table only, one of the glasses tipped and spilled all over the carpet.

The odd thing is, when I went to pick up the glass, Yves told me to leave it. Before I could say anything, she was telling me she missed me and then she was kissing me. And wow. Yves' an awesome kisser but she nearly wiped the floor with me. It was just incredibly intense.

Next think I know; and boy, I'm not complaining; we were in her bedroom. I wanted to take things slow. I missed her and wanted to savor making love to her but Yves had other plans. While she is real assertive and passionate, I've never seen her so aggressive before. It really surprised me but it was exciting too.

Only, the problem was, if I didn't slow things down I was never gonna last. But Yves knew what she wanted and ya gotta love a woman who knows her mind.

I should have sensed something was wrong; maybe I did and ignored it. All I know is we were having incredible, mind blowing sex when things fell apart. I mean literally. She started screaming and crying like her heart and soul were being ripped out of her and shredded.

I yelled her name but she just kept screaming and crying and driving down on me. I grabbed her and pulled her onto my lap. God, I didn't know what to do. I was shaking I was so scared cause I didn't know what was wrong. I just held her and murmured anything I could think of hoping to comfort her. I told her she was safe; that I loved her and wouldn't let anything hurt her and a bunch of other stuff.

After a while she stopped crying but neither of us moved or talked. I just continued to hold her; stroked her hair and kissed her, making sure she felt safe. I could feel her exhaustion. It was more than physical or mental. It was like her very soul was depleted.

She fell asleep in my arms and when I was sure she wouldn't wake up, I laid her on the bed, covering her up with the sheet. God, she looked like a wounded little girl with dried tears on her face. I was about to leave so she could sleep when her eyes drifted open. She asked me to stay with her.

I fell asleep holding her in my arms.

I didn't know what to expect the next day. Whatever I thought might happen I wasn't prepared for how cold and emotionless Yves was. She never mentioned what happened last night and when I tried to bring it up she told me maybe I should go home.

I didn't want to leave her like this so I dropped it. But anything I said made her testy so I shut up real fast. At least she didn't tell me to go home again. And it continued right up to the present with us having dinner.

God, I don't know what to do.

Maybe I should call the guys; ask their advice. Even as I consider this option I know I won't. The guys are Yves' friends but she's never let them into her life too closely. Going to the guys with this; even Frohike would feel like betraying Yves' trust.

And who says the guys would even be able to help?

Yves stands up and begins collecting dishes. I stand up too. "I'll do the dishes. Why don't you go relax?"

She looks at me a moment; her face so expressionless; her eyes so flat I want to cry. I want my Yves back but I don't know how to help her. "Thank you." She walks out of the dining room and I watch her until she sits on the couch.

I quickly gather the dishes and take them into the kitchen. Unlike the guys, Yves always insists we clean as we cook. She says there's less work for later. And she's right. I make quick work cleaning up and I'm done in record time.

It's getting late and I wont be able to stall much longer. Yves is going to tell me to go home soon and I still haven't figured out what to do. She's distancing herself from me and its just a feeling but I think once I leave things will just get worse and she'll eventually end things between us. I don't know why or how to stop it.

I make her a cup of tea with a wedge of lemon; it's her favorite; and go to the living room. Yves is sitting on the couch, leaning back with her eyes closed. Her face is full of tension and stress. I set the steaming cup on the coffee table and go to sit down when something catches my eye.

It's the wine that spilled on the rug last night. It's stained; probably ruined the carpet. But something other than the fact Yves will probably need new carpeting comes to mind. The wine stain is a deep, dark red.

Maybe I've been around the guys too long but it looks almost like it could be blood.

I remember Yves staring at the wine when it spilled and how she stopped me from cleaning it up. That was when things went from steamy to warp speed between us. I glance at Yves. Her eyes are open and watching me. Almost simultaneously we look down at the stain. Quickly I look at her again. Something flickers behind her eyes and she turns away.

How could I be so stupid? Something must have happened wherever she went. I sit down next to her and take her hand, lacing my fingers with hers.

She glances at our entwined hands. "Don't ask, Jimmy. I wont tell you about it."

"You don't have to protect me, baby," I say quietly.

She lifts her eyes and meets my mine. "What I saw no one should have to see."

Her gaze is steady, unwavering. What I see is unsettling but I'm beginning to understand why she refuses to talk to me about it. Yes, she wants to protect me but she also needs to protect herself from reliving those memories. That realization startles and scares me.

She's seen and experienced a lot in her life for someone so young. It's made her tough. But even Yves has a breaking point and whatever she saw pushed her emotionally over that point last night. And here I am trying to get her to face that again. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but what am I doing? Throwing it all back in her face.

"God, Yves, I'm so sorry I pushed. I just. I just hate seeing you in so much pain. Is…is there something I can do? Help you somehow?"

She's silent for a moment, thinking. "Just do what you did last night. Be there for me."

I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath until she spoke. I let it out slowly, relieved. I smile at her and kiss the back of her hand. "You got it babe."

She touches my face with this awesomely soft caress then leans in and kisses me; real soft on the mouth. "And I got you, babe."

The tension eases from her face as a smile lights her face, touching her eyes. I haven't a clue what she thinks is so funny and I don't care. She's smiling.