Disclaimer: I do not own Fire emblem or any of this stuff in here! Credit to Yvonne for letting me put her in here and credit to Hitomi for letting me use her baby. I wrote this as a birthday present for my friend Yvonne a while back.
Once upon a time in land very very very very very very very ok I'll stop far away… just for kicks it was in Sacae and COOL that rhymed! There was a city called Bulgar where a myrmidon named Guy was currently living. He was renting a room out of a house owned by a girl named Yvonne. Well one day while Guy was sitting on his butt and watching the magic black box he bought off some fellow myrmidons, Yvonne walked in holding a baby girl.
"Hello, Guy. Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure." Guy said absentmindedly, his eyes glued to the Magic Box.
"I have to go out and run errands today and I need you to watch my niece, Sora. I'll be back later this evening. Think you can handle it?"
"Sure."
"Her baby formula is in the refrigerator, there's a list of people you can ask for help, and there are more instructions and a list of times for you on the table. Are you sure you can handle this?"
"Sure."
"Alright…" Yvonne walked over to Guy and set Sora down beside him on a chair. "I'll be back in a couple of hours. Don't get into any trouble, ok?"
"Sure."
"…You be good now Sora!" Yvonne patted the girl on the head before walking out the door. Guy's brain finally switched on the second he heard the door shut.
"YVONNE-WAI-" Guy immediately jumped and dashed for the door but Yvonne was long gone. "Uh oh…" Guy swallowed hard. He was an only child in his family and didn't have any younger brother or sisters, and not to mention he had NO experience with babies what so ever. The myrmidon slowly looked over at the cooing and drooling mess called a baby on the chair. "Um… hi?"
"DA!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Guy sped into the kitchen and peeked out from behind the wall. Sora was sitting in the chair, happily playing with her toes and watching whatever was on the TV. Seeing that the drooling alien had already kidnapped the TV, Guy reverted to coming up with a flawless plan to retrieve the black box. "Crap what to do, what to do- hey, Doritos!"
"WAH!"
"What now?" Guy dropped the bag and ran back into the living room. Sora just looked up at him and grinned, then back at the TV. "….Ok I need to call Matthew." Guy dashed back into the kitchen and yanked the list off the table, quickly scanning it over. "Ok… Matthew… Matthew… … …what are these symbol thingies…"
"WEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"GAH!" From watching Yvonne and various other people using these things, Guy grabbed the phone and just pushed some random numbers.
"I'm sorry. The person you called cannot be reached at this time. Please hang up and dial again."
"uh… ok then THIS number!"
"I'm sorry. The person you called cannot be reached at this time. Please hang up and dial again."
"I know I hit the numbers right!"
"I'M SORRY! THE PERSON YOU CALLED CANNOT BE REACHED AT THIS TIME! HANG UP AND DIAL AGAIN!"
"REDIAL!"
"FOR THE LAST TIME-Hello?"
"Matthew?"
"Yeah?"
"…who was that cranky lady?"
"I don't know, some chick I'm stealing stuff from. I think she died from a heart attack or something…"
"Oh…cool. Hey, can you pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease help me??"
"….You still owe me 2 deeds…."
"Then add s'more to the list, I have a baby in here and I can't handle it myself!"
"…A baby? Man, I knew you were clumsy at a lot of things but knocking up some girl?!"
"I didn't knock up anybody! I told Yvonne I'd watch her niece while she was out running errands today."
"….You were watching TV again, weren't you."
"……………yes. Will you please come over and help me?? Come on, I saved your life once!"
"No you didn't."
"…That's not the point!"
"…..It'll cost you…"
"I'll do anything! Just get over here!"
"Ok, ok, I'll be over in 10 minutes. I need to finish looting this place first."
"Ok…" Guy peeked into the living room again. Sora was starting to make funny noises and a disgusting smell was reeking throughout the place. "Hurry…"
Ten minutes later Matthew stood outside Yvonne's house, a bundle of stolen stuff in one arm and a bag of diapers in the other. Matthew quickly picked the lock and slipped inside, only to nearly die from the smell of dirty diapers.
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ST. ELIMINE!" Matthew gagged, barely making it into the kitchen. "Haven't you changed that kid's diaper?"
"Not a clue how- duck!!" Guy grabbed Matthew by the cape and yanked him down. The table was turned on it's side and Guy was now crouching behind it, a Colander on his head and a cutting board tied to his chest." Here, you might need this."
"A clothes pin?" Matthew raised an eyebrow at the wooden object. Guy nodded and pointed to his nose.
"It'll help with the smell."
"Great… but why are you hiding behind the table?"
"Beca-INCOMING!" Guy ducked.
"Huh?" Matthew looked up just as mashed peas and carrots smacked him in between the eyes. "….Lunch time?"
"Uh huh…"
"Ok…" Matthew sighed heavily. He took a corner of his cape and wiped the baby food off his face, then tossed the cape aside entirely. "We can't be hiding all day from this thing and Yvonne is going to have a fit if she comes home and sees her house like this."
"I don't know how to take care of a baby!"
"Then I'll teach you." Matthew yanked Guy up. Mashed peas and carrots flew over from Sora's highchair and slammed into the cutting board. "…Lesson 1, don't let the baby feed itself."
"Why?"
"DA!" WHAM!
"….They fling it." Matthew pulled the stuff out of his hair. As Guy pulled the kitchen table back up (after tossing the chopping board and colander aside) and Matthew took the baby out of the highchair. "Man, how much does this thing weigh?"
"I don't know- ewwwwwwwww!"
"Yeah… Lesson 2 with taking care of a baby..." Matthew swallowed hard. "Changing diapers..."
"Gloves?"
"Check."
"Wet suits?"
"Check."
"Gas masks?"
"Check."
"Diapers, wipes, and baby powder?"
"Check check check!"
"Alright then…" Matthew took a deep breath and motioned for Guy to follow him into the changing room as Sora was laughing away in her crib while banging her King Raven doll's head against the bars. Matthew cautiously tiptoed over to the crib and reached over, gently lifting Sora out of the crib. "Hi there!"
"DA!"
"Careful Matthew!" Guy winced. "You don't know what she might do next!"
"Calm down, Guy, she's just a baby…"
"That's what they all say…" Guy shuddered. Matthew rolled his eyes and gently laid Sora on the changing table.
"Ok, Just do as I tell you, and we can walk out of here alive, understand?"
"Sure."
"Turn the TV off."
"Sorry."
Matthew and Guy looked at each other and nodded, then slowly put on the gas masks, wet suits, and rubber gloves.
"Ok, on the count of three, we take off the diaper…ready?"
"I'm as ready as I'm going to get!"
"Ok then… 1……2…. 2 and a half… 2 and three quarters…"
"Oh just do it already, Matthew."
"3!" Matthew pulled the sticky tabs off the diaper and pulled it off. Sora burst out laughing and clapped her hands together, kicking her legs in the air.
"DOOKY!"
"Nungha…" Guy's eyes rolled backwards and he fell over, unconscious.
"Guy! Get up!" Matthew kicked the myrmidon quickly. "You CAN'T smell anything, you have a gas mask on!"
"I knew that…" Guy frowned and staggered up.
"Ok… after that you wrap up the diaper and toss it in the baby pail." Matthew wrapped the diaper up in plastic wrap, tinfoil, paper bags, plastic bags, and finally in 10 ziplock bags before he finally tossed it in the trashcan. "Now usually after that you clean her up and put a new diaper on, but in this case she definitely needs a bath."
"The bathroom is right across the hall." Guy pointed behind him. Matthew nodded and handed Sora to Guy.
"I'll go get the water ready." Matthew marched out of the room, wringing his gloved hands. "Ew.."
"Ok…. …Matthew?"
"What."
"She's leaking!"
"Well hurry up and get her in here!" Matthew grabbed two bottles of shampoo and looked at them. "Ok lets see here…"
"MATTHEW!!"
"WHAT!"
"WAH!"
"Guy, what are you doing!"
"Nothing!"
"Well don't hold her like that!" Matthew grabbed a towel and took Sora, wrapping her up and holding her close. "Lesson 3: Babies need to be kept warm but not so that they turn into small campfires."
"I told ya I'm still learning!"
"I know, I know, chill out." Matthew carried Sora over to the bathtub and placed her in the shallow water. Once in the water Sora started splashing water everywhere, then took hold of a bar of soap and started knocking random bottles of stuff into the tub.
"Sora!" Guy ran over and started fishing things out.
"DA!"
"Ow!" A bottle of conditioner smacked Matthew upside the head. "That hurt!"
"Pbbbbbbbbbb!!" Sora blew a raspberry at Matthew and continuously splashed water everywhere.
"Take hold of the baby while I find the shampoo to use." Matthew instructed to Guy, then hopped up on the counter and went back to looking at the bottles.
"You sure like to splash…" Guy held onto Sora's arms so she wouldn't fall over.
"I think I saw some baby shampoo in the next room…" Matthew tossed the two bottles into the toilet and hit the flusher.
"Yvonne is going to be sooooo mad about that!"
"Eh, they caused dandruff anyway. I'll be right back."
"You can't leave me alone in there again!"
"Relax, you'll be fine." Matthew waved it off and strode back into the next room. Removing his emergency baby-changing outfit and tossing it out the window, he gingerly cleaned up the room and finally sorted through the baby bag. "…Here we go, I found it Guy!"
"YAY!" splash. "WEE!"
"Serra's baby shampoo…. Well that explains the rather expensive price and the overload of pink stuff-GUY!"
"What?" Guy looked up from the bathtub. He was wearing his swimming shorts and sitting behind Sora, the two of them playing with those foam thingies you can stick to the bathroom wall. "You have GOT to try these things, they're really cool!"
"DA!" Sora slapped another one onto the wall.
"Sure…" Matthew poured a small amount of the baby shampoo onto his hands and tilted Sora's head back, softly rubbing her scalp. "Lesson 4: Make sure you tilt her head back so she doesn't get soap in her eyes and be careful not to scrub hard. Her scalp is very sensitive."
"BWEEEE!" Sora flicked her head and laughed, accidentally slapping Matthew in the eyes with shampoo.
"WAH! MY EYES!"
"I thought baby shampoo was tear free."
"I knew that!" Matthew dried out his eyes and lifted Sora out of the tub. After drying her off and kicking Guy out of the bathtub and redressing him, the thief, the myrmidon, and the baby all reunited back in the guest room where the changing table was.
"She definitely smells better!"
"Yeah, I have to agree with that one." Matthew picked up a new diaper and a baby outfit. "Ok Lesson 5: Diaper first, then the clothes."
"What happens if you put the clothes on first?"
"Then you're stupid." Matthew took the baby powder away from Guy before he could get it everywhere. "Now watch. It's not that hard." Matthew started to put the diaper on Sora, but Sora wouldn't cooperate. "Just hold…still…"
"DA!"
"Careful." Guy warned. "She leaks."
"I know that… just help me hold her down!" Matthew ordered. Guy went over to hold down Sora's arms, but the child's fist flew up and docked him in the nose.
"OW!"
"HA!" Matthew grinned. "THERE!"
"Pbbb…." Sora blew another raspberry at Matthew, kicking her legs and making crunching noises because of her diaper. After another 3 minutes of wrestling an uncooperative baby into her clothes, Matthew and Guy once again returned downstairs.
"I not gonna fee her." Guy frowned, holding an ice pack on his nose. "She hit me."
"Feeding is the easiest thing!" Matthew read the label for one of the jars of baby food. Sora was already seated in her highchair and covered in plastic wrap except for her head, same for Guy and Matthew. In fact, the entire kitchen had been decked out in plastic wrap from floor to ceiling in order to prevent a messy clean up afterwards.
"Then you can fee her."
'Your nose is fine." Matthew yanked the ice pack off and tossed it in the sink. It missed and hit the floor, then scurried off after making growling noises and hid under the refrigerator.
"Ok, the easiest way to do this is to make it fun." Matthew popped the lid and spooned out a small bit on the baby spoon. "Watch!" He turned to Sora and grinned, then changed his voice to a playful one. "Here comes the airplane! Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeero-" Matthew stopped right at Sora's mouth. "Open up for the airplane!"
Sora didn't budge. Her lips remained pressed tightly against each other and she was sitting as far back in her highchair as she could.
"Uh…Matthew?"
"This usually works!"
"Well… maybe she doesn't like airplanes. Try something else."
"Ok… Here comes the choo choo!!! Chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo!! Open up, Sora!"
This time Sora covered her mouth with her hands and shook her head frantically.
"Ok, no trains either."
"Um… maybe it's the food?"
"It's just mashed carrots and gravy."
"Ew!" Guy grabbed the jar of baby food and tossed it behind him, the jar growling and running under the fridge to join the ice pack. "Feed her something worthwhile, like…" Guy grabbed a jar of food and looked at the label. "…Whatever this stuff is."
"Oh, and I suppose she'll like that?"
"Yeah! Lemme try!" Guy butted Matthew out of the way and popped the lid, then spooned out a bit and held it out to Sora. "Here, try this stuff!"
"Eh?" Sora tilted her head and looked at it, confused.
"You have to do the airplane kinda thing."
"I can't do that! It's embarrassing!"
"They don't care! They think its fun!"
"….I think its scary." Guy made a face. "Ok let's see here… You have a myrmidon over here!" Guy moved the spoon to the left. "And a general over here!" Guy moved the spoon to the right. "Now we need a tactician! Where's the tactician!" Guy moved the spoon up to Sora's mouth and held it there. Sora grinned and opened her mouth, letting Guy spoon feed her the ….mush. "Yaaay! We found the tactician!"
"WEEE!" Sora waved her arms and reached for the jar.
"Hey, I think she likes it!"
"She doesn't like my airplanes…" Matthew whimpered.
"Oh cheer up, Matthew!" Guy grinned. "I think it was just the food. Here, try again."
"I think you're right… ok!" Matthew took the baby food and sat down in front of Sora again. Immediately Sora scooted back in her chair and covered her mouth. "…She hates me!"
"Well… sorry." Guy shrugged and booted Matthew off the chair again. After a couple more rounds of "where's the tactician" and Sora spewing her leftovers all over Matthew, it was time for a nap.
"Ok Lesson 6: Monkey see monkey do. If you lay down next to her and close your eyes, she'll think you're asleep and do the same." Matthew explained. The three of them were in Guy's bed (with newspaper covering it to help reduce "leak problems") all sprawled out.
"Ok, so if we pretend we're asleep, she'll fall asleep?"
"Yup! So… close your eyes and pretend to sleep!"
"Ok!" Guy closed his eyes right after Matthew did. After two seconds he started to snore.
"Guy!"
"What."
"Don't snore!"
"Sorry."
"Eh?" Sora looked from Matthew to Guy, then back to Matthew again. Deciding they were asleep, she sat up and started to crawl. She would have escaped if Matthew hadn't caught her.
"This isn't working, Matt." Guy sighed. "Maybe we should try something else."
"Alright…" Matthew bit his lower lip. After many various attempts including rocking, warm milk, dancing, spinning in circles, Matthew's horrible versions of lullabies that only caused the neighbors to complain, and other sad attempts, Sora still wasn't asleep.
"Maybe we should call Priscilla over and use a sleep staff on her…" Guy plopped down in a chair and turned the TV on.
"Are you trying to get your baby to sleep?" The man on the TV said.
"YES!" Matthew and Guy both shouted in unison.
"Well, it sucks to be you then!"
Click.
"I hate commercials." Guy frowned. "Maybe we should just put her in her crib, tuck her in, turn on that spinny thingie above her bed-"
"its called a mobile."
"Yeah… and then just turn out the lights."
"Right." Matthew rolled his eyes. Sora was sitting in her play pen and was throwing things and crying. A block almost nailed Matthew in the head but luckily he stepped out of the way. "She's getting fussy…"
"She's tired!" Guy picked up Sora and carried her into the guest room. "I get cranky when I'm tired!"
"Or when you're hungry."
"She just ate!"
"Babies eat a lot."
"Well I think she's still full since she spit up whatever she didn't want on your cape." Guy laid Sora down in the crib and tucked her in. "Now go to sleep and you won't be cranky anymore."
"Eh…"
"No, really, it works. You'll wake up feeling a LOT better."
"Pbbb…"
"Oh just try it!"
"I don't think she can understand you." Matthew pointed out. 5 minutes later, Sora was asleep. Guy tiptoed out of the room and shut the door.
"She's asleep! HA!!"
"WAH!"
"And you just woke her up." Matthew grinned evilly.
"Man…" Guy pouted and walked back into the room. "Ok… let's try reading a book then!" He gently pulled Sora out of the crib and grabbed a book out of the diaper bag. The two of them sat in a chair and Guy opened up the book. "Crap I can't read."
"Eh?"
"Well… neither can you so let's make it up." Guy turned the page of the picture book. "Ok let's see here… Once upon a time there was this knight, and he liked this girl…"
"I figured Guy would call you over." Yvonne looked over at Matthew. She had arrived back at the house 2 minutes ago while Matthew was busy un-plastic wrapping the kitchen. "So how did it go?"
"It was ok…" Matthew tried to shoo the ice pack and baby food jar out from under the fridge with a broomstick. "We're still alive, aren't we?"
"Amazingly, yes." Yvonne started down the hall. Matthew gave up on the weird things under the fridge and followed her down the hall. Slowly Matthew opened the door and peeked inside. Guy and Sora were sleeping in a chair with a picture book open to some random page on the floor. "Awww how cute!"
"Demons when awake, Angels when they sleep." Matthew added.
"Let's let them sleep." Yvonne nodded and slowly shut the door.
"Um… Yvonne? One thing…"
"Yes, Matthew?"
"…Don't ever make Guy baby-sit again!"
"WAH!"
"GAH!!!!"
Fin!