SYNOPSIS: Ever wonder why Hojo wears that silly labcoat on the beach? This is the long-sought-after answer to the question. Well....it was supposed to be. :)

After stowing away on a Shinra seacraft, Cloud and his crew landed on the tropical paradise that we call Costa Del Sol. And, while taking a moment to catch their breaths and relax on the beach, Cloud and Aeris ran into an old acquaintance, Professor Hojo--Shinra Inc.'s ex-scientist.

"Hey!" Aeris cried, shielding her eyes from the sun. "Isn't that Hojo?"

"Eh?" Cloud followed her gaze to a group hanging out further down the beach. "Let's go see..."

They approached a crowd of girls in bikinis, and Cloud cleared his throat loudly to be heard above their excited chatter. "Excuse me... Is that Hojo?"

Wow! Aeris thought dreamily. He's so cool and calm, even with these barely-clad women all over! Could he really like me?

One of the girls looked up at them, pouting. "Professor! There's a scary man here to see you!"

The crowd parted and moved back, revealing Hojo lying on a beach towel. "...Hello again," the professor smiled thinly, not looking all that surprised to see them. "I didn't realize we'd be meeting again so soon..."

Aeris stepped forward boldly. "There's something I just had to know, Professor Hojo."

Hojo's cold gaze turned to her, and he peered over his glasses at her as though bored. "Which is...?"

"How could you be so cruel as to try to make me mate with an animal?" The girls eyes welled with tears.

Cloud rolled his eyes. "That's already been explained. Don't you read the text boxes, wench?!"

Aeris blinked. "...Eh?"

Cloud shook his head, crossing his arms and glaring at her as he gave her a little recap. "You're an Ancient. The last of 'em. Red XIII's also from a dying race. The point was to save your two species from extinction, at the same time creating a new breed with special powers and strength--that's called eugenics--and you would have known all of this if you had half a brain and paid attention to the story! Isn't that right, Professor Hojo?" He turned to the other man for agreement.

Hojo gave a slight shrug. "I dunno anything about that. I just like seeing people have sex with animals."

".........."

"Hey! Reeve isn't the only one with a cat in his closet!"

At Aeris's clearly confused, blank stare, Cloud elaborated. "Uh... I believe what the professor meant to say was that, er, since you're not going to live for very long, eventually another specimen will be needed, which would otherwise be impossible since you're the last of your kind."

"Huh?" Aeris's eyes widened. "What do you mean, I'm 'not going to live for very long'?!?"

Hojo cackled. "Mwa-ha-ha! Looks like someone hasn't been reading their script!"

"......."

Cloud chuckled. "Besides that, you should see the way she swings her staff!"

"...Script?"

Cloud shot Aeris a look of disgust. "I mean, for Shiva's sake, it's a combat, not a baseball game!"

Aeris's face darkened with anger.

"I'd imagine it she'd have trouble wearing those combat boots, too," Hojo added, giving her a look. "They look a size or five too big."

"Heh! Combat boots?" Cloud scoffed. "Honey, those are clogs!"

"......"

"Yeah, she's always trippin' on those things."

"She should get a new pair of shoes," Hojo scorned.

"HELLO!" Aeris shouted, waving her arms wildly. "I'm right here and you're talking about me like I'm invisible! Do you two realize how RUDE you're being?!"

Cloud went on, ignoring her interjection. "Seriously. But would you look at the rest of her ensemble? I mean, she's wearing a pink dress with those things."

Aeris glared at him.

Hojo stroked his chin thoughtfully. "...Yes, I'd imagine a dress might be difficult to battle in. Wouldn't really know myself, but YOU...."

Cloud shook his head impatiently. "You're not listening to me. It's a PINK dress! I mean, a brunette wearing a PINK dress and clogs. She looks like something that crawled out of the slums!"

Aeris's left eye twitched.

Hojo cocked an eyebrow. "Well...didn't she?"

"That's no excuse! Her mum's home's clean as an ether!" He gave an excited little cry, his hands flying to his cheeks. "Oh, you should see the rugs! They must be imported from Wutai!" His eyes grew a little starry and distant.

Aeris frowned. "What are you, Martha Stuart?!"

"YOU certainly aren't," Cloud shot back at her. "Oh, phoneixfire, I can't take it anymore! I've been dying to tell you this since we met, but I've only just got the nerve! You really need a new look, sister." He rubbed his temples, thinking hard. "Have you ever thought about blue? Pink's not really your color, you know."

"Or maybe a nice foresty green..?" Hojo offered.

"WHAT?!" Aeris shouted at Cloud. "Look at you!!!" She flung her arms at Hojo. "Look at THAT! He's wearing a LABCOAT for Shiva's sake! A LABCOAT at the BEACH!!!"

Hojo looked at her angrily, jumping to Cloud's defense. "Mr. Strife's obviously insecure about his manhood, perhaps even his sexuality, a fact which he disguises well by standing the way he does and wearing skin-tight little clingy shirts so that everyone can see his bulging muscles. He also carries that obscenely long sword to make up for other inefficiencies I need not mention, and to top it all off he dreams of nothing more than to become a cross-dresser and stand around on Midgar street corners looking pretty."

Aeris blinked.

Cloud blinked, too. "....Is that supposed to be some kind of defense?"

Hojo shrugged.

Aeris was curious. "....He dreams of being a what?"

It was Hojo's turn to roll his eyes. "What did we say before, hm? About reading the script? Hm???"

"..............What script?"

"Hey, Hojo," Cloud growled.

The professor looked up at him. "Eh?"

".......So.....YEAH! What the fuck's up with that LABCOAT, anyway?!"