I drove myself home. I turned up the radio as loud as my ears could handle. The noise momentarily stopped the memories and thoughts I was under the impression that I had done a good job repressing. I hadn't expected them to be so intense when the resurfaced. I never prepared for the distinct possibility that someday I would have to confront all the issues that I ran from. I ran to Boston, Chicago, and San Francisco; I was too tired to keep running when I got to Las Vegas. I thought I might just stop and walk for a while. Four and a half years was an eternity compared to how much time I actually wanted to spend in one place; it always lurked in the back of my mind that Laura might come back to finish what she failed at.
I sat in my Tahoe staring at the door to my apartment complex. The world seemed so much scarier; she could be anywhere. I was terrified to take a step out of the locked oasis I was currently sitting in. I ran my fingers over one of the scars cleverly hidden in my hairline. It was slightly raised; last time I looked at it, it was silver against my tanned skin. I felt the tears begin to wedge themselves in my throat.
The tap on my window caused me to scream and duck for cover in preparation for what I thought would be her face; her pointy features and long curly hair. In my mind, the memory of her peaches and cream skin had been wrapped into something much more befitting a witch or demon.
"Sara, open up," I heard Greg say. I knew I didn't have to be afraid of him. I tried to tell myself that he wouldn't hurt me. I might have even said it out loud before I sat up and unlocked the door. I had expected Grissom; maybe part of me even wanted it to be Grissom. Grissom was safe; something about Grissom had always made me feel safe.
"Let's go inside," Greg said as he took the keys from the ignition. I couldn't look at him; I could feel the blanket of shame beginning to suffocate me. I followed him; he felt safe. I wasn't sure if he could win a struggle with Laura, but I knew he would at least try.
"Could you make sure she's not here?" I whispered; I couldn't even recognize my own voice. I wrapped my arms around my torso in an effort to stop the trembling as Greg opened my apartment door.
"Who are we looking for, Sara?" Greg asked as he ushered me into the room. I immediately made sure that my back was pressed against the wall; I didn't want her to surprise me from behind.
"Make sure my mother isn't here," I replied. I sounded so crazy; I knew I sounded insane, but Laura couldn't be trusted. She was supposed to protect me; she was my mother, but she tried to kill me.
"Okay," Greg replied. He sounded confused, but he did as I asked. I stood frozen against the wall as Greg began to patrol my small apartment. Only when he returned empty handed did I know it was safe for me for to move. I knew this was irrational, but I couldn't help it. The world seemed so much more dangerous now that Laura was free.
"Sara, what's wrong?" Greg asked as he sat next to me on the couch. I didn't know what to say; I didn't know if I could even begin to explain what happened to me as a child. It would probably scare the hell out of Greg. I knew it scared the hell out of me.
"Nick's back at the lab with Archie trying to figure out what website could have possibly gotten you so upset," Greg explained. I began to sob again; I began to sob so hard that I thought my chest would split apart from the intensity of the pressure.
I hadn't expected Greg to pull me into his arms; I hadn't expected anyone to come comfort me. I hadn't felt this kind of safety since the police officer carried me out of the house and to the ambulance. I remember the tall, African American man telling me that everything was going to be okay; I liked the tone of his voice. It was an immediate comfort; the arms of a stranger that I didn't even know protected me from the screams of a woman driven to the edge. I remember her screams; I remember her telling me that she would find me . . . I was always waiting for her to find me. I wondered what she would do when she found me.
I stayed curled in his arms until there was a knock on the door. I could feel my heart begin to palpitate against my chest wall; I could feel myself begin to shake again. I warned Greg to please be careful; I knew he didn't understand, but what Greg didn't understand could easily hurt him as she hurt me. I held my breath as he opened up the door. I think I gasped a smile, but audible gasp the instant the door swung open.
I swore that I might just be going crazy; I felt crazy. I hadn't felt like this since Laura attacked me; they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger . . . well, that was a lie. Laura created a weak spot in my armor that I had never been able mend. Now, everything was seemingly beginning to fall apart.
"Sara, I'm so sorry," Nick said as he tried to put hand on my knee. I jumped away from him; I was lost somewhere between a memory of Laura and reality.
"Sara, it's okay. Archie is working on locating Laura. It's going to be okay," Nick said. I liked the sound of his voice; it was reminiscent of the drawl the police officer had. I heard Greg lock the deadbolt; I was acutely aware of that noise because it provided me with a little more comfort. Nick said something softly. I had no idea what he was saying, but the gentle cadence of his voice was enough to begin to lull me into a restful sleep that I needed right now.