I awoke to a full blown scream; it took me a minute to realize that I was screaming. It took me even longer to catch my breath. I gasped for air as if someone had been holding me under water; there was sweat dripping from my skin and permeating my clothes. I looked around confused; I momentarily didn't recognize my own bedroom. All I could see was my childhood room full of reminders of a youth cut short by violence. I could remember every inch of my childhood room; there was an ET poster on the wall. My brother bought the poster for me because I had fallen in love with the fleshy, rumpled alien.
"Are you okay?" Nick asked as he sat on the side of my bed. I didn't want to cry again; I willed myself not to cry again. I didn't know how to answer his question. I really wasn't okay, but the Sara Sidle that I created would never admit to weakness like the Sara Sidle that I left behind in a dirty apartment as a child. I created a persona to protect myself; I created a woman that was so much stronger than I believed I could be. I wanted to be Sara Sidle; I pushed myself to live up to how I thought this tough, independent woman would live. I always felt like I fell a few inches short.
"Sara, it's okay. We aren't going to let anything happen to you. She's not going to find you," Nick said as he rested a hand over my hand. I didn't move. I believed Nick; I knew he wouldn't let me get hurt. He worked so hard to keep people from getting hurt; even if it meant that he got hurt in the process. I used to be like that; as a child, I would have done anything to make my brother happy after Laura yelled at him. I was an adept performer by age six; I would sing to him. I loved my brother so much; I missed him so much.
"It's not your fault," Nick said, "It's not your fault."
I shook my head; I felt like it had been my fault. I hadn't locked the deadbolt on my door that night.
"It's something that I always wanted to hear. I'm sure it probably doesn't make you feel better, but, Sara, what Laura did wasn't your fault. You were only ten years old," Nick said. It dawned on me that I was only ten years old. It would take me two full days to realize what Nick had said and why.
"She didn't love me anymore. I could tell . . . she said that she wished I was dead," I replied.
"Laura was a sick woman . . . you don't need her to love you. You have so many other people that care about you more than she ever could," Nick replied, "Come on. Let's get something to eat, sweetheart."
It made me smile. My dad used to call me sweetheart. He used to slow dance with me to Frank Sinatra or some obscure jazz artist that he heard in a club during his own youth. I could remember the way he held me as we would dance in the living room; he never made me feel like 'Sara plain and tall.' The kids at school always teased me about my height and my sometimes ratty and worn attire. I knew that my family wasn't rich. I knew that the other kids had parents with good jobs, but good jobs didn't make great families. I was always thankful that my family seemed so much more stable than those of my peers. After all, my parents were still married. It took me a long time to realize that everyone has their secrets. My family had some really horrible secrets. I wondered if he stopped loving me too.
I followed Nick; Greg was passed out on the couch. I thought that I just might be lucky; I might be luckier than I thought. I was surprised that he didn't wake up to what I thought was my deafening scream. I was lucky that Nick and Greg stayed; I was lucky that they wanted to attempt to repair what I thought was broken beyond repair. I might have been broken, but at least I wasn't alone. As a child, I always felt alone. Even in the best foster homes I felt so alone.
"What do you want to eat?" Nick asked as he started to look through my refrigerator.
"Pancakes," I replied. I began to pull all the ingredients out of the cupboards. Nick let me fall into my own world of cooking and keeping my hands busy.
"You aren't seriously going to put banana in the pancakes, are you?" Nick asked me. I looked up at him.
"I was planning to," I replied as I continued to chop up the banana.
"Sara, that's gross," Nick replied. I started laughing; my brother hated bananas. Sometimes, Nick reminded me so much of him; sometimes, just being with Nick made me miss my brother so much.
"Have you ever tried it?" I asked. I hadn't realized that I forgot about Laura momentarily. Nick was always able to distract me like that; he was the one that always broke the tension at the lab. Lately, the lab almost needed someone to break the tension full time. It wasn't anyone's fault in particular; I blamed myself for trying to get involved with my supervisor. I tried to force the issue with Grissom; I shouldn't have tried to force him into a relationship. The only one that was able to do that was Lady Heather; maybe that's because she let him be the dominant one. I wasn't sure if anyone could ever dominate the personality that I had created.
"No, but it looks gross," Nick commented as he sat at the snack bar watching me make breakfast. I think it might have been his intention to keep my brain occupied with other things; it was so much easier than talking about the elephant in the room.
"Just try it before you start to complain," I lectured, "Thank you."
"Why?" Nick asked.
"For not asking me questions . . . it's hard to ignore an elephant that big," I replied.
"You'll tell us when you're ready. Just remember than you're not alone . . . people do sick things to a lot of kids," Nick replied. He let the conversation fall into silence. I was thankful for his presence; it made everything a little bit easier right now.