Arthur Implement Standardized Testing for the men in his army... A Disaster Just Waiting to Happen (Please be forewarned of sexual allusions, and sarcastic humor)

Arthur muses to himself about the difficulties of being king, and leader of the army....

Arthur: I hate interviewing all the candidates for the army. Its soooooooooo annoying. I have to talk to all these silly girls who want to join up and have to figure out that they're female so I can tell them no, and to go home to the kitchen. Some of them actually have good costumes.... Like the bearded lady from the traveling carnival... ah I love those carnivals. I really like the cotton candy. WELL anyways, it would be so much easier if they could fill out a form beforehand and then I could just talk to the ones who do well enough and pass the criteria. Besides, my ass hurts from sitting all day.

Arthur decides to write up the first of many... Standardized Acheivement Tests! Among such sections which were included were: strategy, courageousness, sex, accomplishments, fighting skills, personal appearance, and preference of face paint colors. The writers of said test would then get points for questions with 'ideal' answers.

Lets see how some (some as in one) of the men fared on this jolly good test:

Tristan's Test

How long would it take ye to gallop from a lookout 5 miles south of your enemy, if ye were to travel around them in a circle so as to set up your troops to attack the flank? (Assume that your magnificent steed gallops at 5 miles/hour.)

Answer: It would take 1.5707963267948966192313216919398 hours.

Rank your courageousness on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 for the bravest of all men! And 1 if you are a sissy whoms mother put them up to this.

Answer: This is dumb. (This is a great example of bravery!)

Are you male or female? (Please select only one.)

Answer: I am a male. (Please note the perfect old English exemplified in all of his answers.)

Male or Female? (Please list in order of preference.)

Answer: I am most certainly not gay. I am not happy either. 1. Female

-25. Male

I have fought with (blank), in (blank) War, and (a) won, b) lost, c) tied).

Directions: Please fill in the blanks. The blanks are represented as (blank). Please select only one of a, b, or c, to fill in the last blank represented by ( ).

Answer: I have fought with King Arthur and his amigos, in all the same wars as him and his amigos, and a).

What is your weapon of choice?

Sword

Bow and Arrow

Hand to Hand Combat

Other

(If you picked a) Sword, please specify of what specific type. If your sword (of whatever type) has a name, please include at the end of your answer.)

(If you picked d) Other, please specify the nature of this weapon / talent. Please note that "Words" do not fall into the category of weaponry.

Answer: b) the Big Hawk

Please rank your personal appearance on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 for the absolute hottest in ye ole' kingdom, and 1 for fat, ugly, and pimply. (Please no decimals or fractions.)

Answer: 9.5 Haha. I spite you! I am ruggedly hansom, however hide this with my bangs as I do want to get things done, and do not appreciate getting jumped, well not all the time. Oh! I have said too much!

What color of face paint do you wear, or wish to wear, when going into combat?

Blue

Red

Green

Yellow

Purple

Orange

Brown

Black

White

Gold

Prefer not to wear any at all.

Prefer to wear it, although not necessarily visibly.

Answer: l)

Please write a sentence on what design you would wear it in, theoretically if you selected 8. k), to exemplify your skills in grammar, spelling, and sentence structure.

Answer: I would give myself a red uni-brow so that it would scare away and/or shock my opponents.

Please print your name in the space provided below. (If you cannot print, by all means use cursive. If your name is represented by a symbol of some sort, please ask my assistant at the front desk to make note and record of this.)

Answer: Tristan (Insert Unknown Middle and Last names here.)

Ok! So I have finally updated... as in I have found something else to make fun of. I was concidering writing tests for all of King A's friends/knight/peoples... urg... but I have other stuff to do... obviously like apply to university! AH! HATE IT! Sooo I obviously don't take credit for these characters yadda yadda yadda.

If you have any ideas for last/middle names for Tristan, it would be soooooo funny. I was going to name him Tristan Crumpets Tea. Tristan Tea. Lol. But if he actually has a "name", tell me. Please. Jolly well! Pip pip cheerio dawling!