"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" A chorus of men, women, children, (and horsies, pegasi, wyverns, Nils, etc) rang throughout the Bern Village Inn.

"Question." Erk quickly jabbed Kate in the back. "Are we ever going to LEAVE Bern?"

"I CAN'T BE IN A STORY!!! PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M A MARY SUE!"

".You're the TACTICIAN! It's ILLEGAL for you to have any sort of affairs!"

"Oh, right. Well, er." Kate thought for a moment, tapping her chin with a pretzel stick. "Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Maaaaaaaaaaaybeeeeee."

"Great."

"Whaaaaat?"

"Nevermind, just go do whatever tacticians do at midnight on New Years eve." Erk sighed and waved her off. He knew exactly what she was up to. As the current tactician (and authoress) Kate had the power to make very weird crap happen. It was New Years Eve (actually New Years day as of now) and she had WAY too many Popsicles and grape soda. That meant it was time for something completely stupid and random.

"ERKY I'm scared." Lucius whimpered. "I haven't seen Priscilla all night and I think she might be out to get me to do something."

"As in? WAIT don't answer that!" Erk quickly covered his eyes. "And don't call me Erky!"

"What? It's not like we were going to have SEX or something."

"You don't have to say that so loudly, Lucius."

"You touch my sister and your king shall slaughter you."

"Shut up, Raven."

"DIE YOU SON OF A-"

"ENOUGH!!!!" Eliwood hiccupped and stumbled over to the doorway. Raven had Erk by the throat, his fist raised backwards in the air as if to hit him. Lucius sat cowering by the doorway behind Erk, peeking out at Raven through the cracks between his fingers. "Look," he slurred. "Ish New Fears Eve an' I dun want no fightin' mmkay?"

"Eliwood?"

"Yesh Rebecca?"

".You're creepy."

"Ohhhhhhhhhh Becka baby!"

"Oh crap!" Rebecca grabbed Erk by the arm. She yanked him out of Raven's grasp and ducked into the kitchen where the cavaliers sat playing cards. "You have GOT to hide me from Hector."

"Why?"

"Ok, pretty much, you, Nino, and I are stuck in a house full of drunks and bumpkins tonight."

"Can we find Kate and force her to stop this?"

"Sorry, Sain tried to convince her that he could pass her battle advice via his lips. She's long gone by now."

"Terrific. So we're stuck in a story with no plot and Kate is gone?"

"It gets worse."

"How much worse?"

"Nils tricked Canas and Lowen into feeding everyone some sort of obedience potion. He has everyone under his control."

Scary music.

"Except for you and I?"

"Yes. You don't eat Canas and Lowen's cooking and I always bring my own food."

"Why isn't anyone acting strange?"

"It hasn't kicked in yet. It can kick in at any time."

"I see." Erk sighed heavily. The cavaliers were busy shouting at each other again, probably because Sain had tried the "five aces" trick again. "So what exactly do we do?"

"Well." Rebecca began, but suddenly Legault appeared out of the shadows, holding a dagger up to her neck.

"Don't move girly, Lord Nils wants you alive." He cackled. His eyes were a murky shade of green and seemed to loose their sanity. Well, ok, anything left of sanity.

"You leave her alone!" Erk staggered up, reaching behind him for his new Elfire book. A look of surprise spread about his face when he realized he had left all his tomes and staves up in his room. The cavaliers had stopped fighting and staggered up, looking at Erk and Rebecca with those murky green eyes.

"Erk, do something!" Rebecca coughed. Legault was dragging her towards the door while the Cavaliers were closing in on Erk. Erk soon found himself backed up against the wall. He had to save Rebecca for his own sanity's sake, and he couldn't leave Nino off by herself. Well, she probably had Hyperion with her, but then again Nils would want a queen sooner or later. Purple eyes darted around the room until they finally landed on the only reasonable weapon in the room.

"OW!" Legault gave out a long howl before ducking back into the shadows. Rebecca managed to escape his grasp, then she and Erk darted into the basement and quickly bolted the door shut.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Erk turned to Rebecca. Instead of thanking him, she was shooting ice daggers at him. "What!?"

"You threw a SPOON at him!?"

"WELL IT WAS THE ONLY THING I COULD FIND!"

"SHHH Someone'll hear you!" Rebecca clamped her hand over the mage's mouth. Banging and scuffling could be heard outside the door.

"We know you're in there." A rather gruff-sounding voice, probably a warped Kent, hissed from outside the door. The banging got louder as the cavaliers closed in on the door, trying to find a way to break down the wooden beast.

"We need to get out of here." Erk blinked. "I wish I had a torch."

"Use your other senses for once." Rebecca felt around the walls. "Here, there's a gust of air coming in from over here- hey, a window!" She reached up and brushed the dust off the window. Moonlight streamed in through the tiny basement, enveloping everything in a silvery mist. "Ok, hoist me up so I can crawl through and then I'll pull you up, alright?"

"Alright." Erk said slowly. "Don't fall on me purposely or anything, alright?"

"Do I LOOK like Fiora to you? I HAVE a boyfriend, even if he is drunk, loud, and currently under the control of "Lord Nils" Rebecca finished with a mocking grunt. Erk dashed over to the window and helped Rebecca climb up through the window.

Fresh air spilled over Rebecca's face as the young archer escaped the trapped basement into the night atmosphere.

"FREEEEDOOOOM!"

"HEY GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Right, sorry." Rebecca held out her hand. Just as Erk managed to get half way through the window, the door burst down and the cavaliers rode in (don't ask how the horses got there). Half of them got stuck but Kent had made it to the window, and grabbed ahold of Erk's foot.

"You will do perfect for the sacrifice." Kent grinned, yanking back on Erk's foot.

"PULL HARD REBECCA!"

"I'M TRYING!" Rebecca bit her lower lip and pulled hard. Erk felt as if his body was going to be wrenched in two, but out of no where a loud roar and a gust of wind blew past his face and into the basement. The horses whinnied and Kent was forced to retreat. Rebecca and Erk cowered up against the building, shielding their eyes from the moonlight as they tried to make out the figure.

"Hey there!"

"Nino!" Rebecca gave out a happy sigh. "Where've you been?"

"Hyperion and I were out on the roof with Florina, Heath, and Farina when they all suddenly started to act weird. They got this murky green color in their eyes and said something like "Lord Nils is calling for his queeeeeen."

"Was it in some kind of warped homestarr runner voice?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?" Nino tilted her head at Erk. Erk gave a small cough and Rebecca rolled her eyes. "I guess I better not ask."

"No," Rebecca but in. "But we have an even bigger problem on our hands. Nils has everyone except for the three of us drugged and is trying to take over the inn!"

"Oh. Well lets just go away for a couple of days then."

"He wants you for a queen." Erk mentioned.

"Oh. NOOOO I don't wanna be Nils queen!" Nino cried and clung to Hyperion's back. Hyperion gave a loud roar and started to stomp on the gound. "Erk, Becka! Get on Hyperion's back! We're going to the secret place!

"So then, Fiora." Nils paced around Erk's room before sitting once again in a chair. "Have you managed to kidnap Lady Nino yet?"

"Oh Erky!" Fiora rolled around on Erk's bed and hugged the pillow. "Why don't you love me?"

"AHEM!?"

"WHAT?!

"Don't yell! I'll cry and bang my drum!"

"Fine" Fiora pouted, partly mad because Nils was being cranky and partly cranky because Kate refuses to put in any perverted Fiora humor. "Legault should have brought one of them back by now. I wonder what is taking him."

"Legault!" Nils stood up. Legault slowly emerged from the shadows, holding onto his eye. "Woah, what happened?"

"Erk hit me with a SPOON."

"A spoon?"

"No, a SPOON."

"Oooooooooh, right. A SPOON. Go on."

"Well, I almost DIED!"

"So?"

"Wait until you get hit by a SPOON! Then see how you like it!" Legault hissed. "In anycase, I saw Kent and his gang drive them into the basement. Unfortuneatly they escaped by the means of someone on a great dragon thing."

"Eliwood found my sister again?"

"NO PERVERTED JOKES!"

"Shut up, Fiora." Legault hissed. "No, it was a GREEN dragon."

"Oh." Fiora shrugged. Nils walked back over to his chair and sat down, a broad grin on his face.

"Who do you think it was, milord?" Legault said blankly.

"The one I want." Nils grinned. "Nino."

"Wow." Rebecca looked around the treehouse. "When did you make this?"

"When Hyperion would sneak me out of my window at night while Erk thought I was asleep." Nino poured some tea in a teacup and handed it to Erk. "Tea?"

"No, thank you." Erk folded his arms acrossed his chest, his eye twitching slightly. "All of those graveyard shifts of watching you just so you could sneak off with Hyperion."

"But he's such a good Wyvern!" Nino smiled and gave the big green lizard a pat on the head. Hyperion purred and rubbed his nose against Nino's hand, making her giggle.

"Are we all refreshed?" Rebecca asked. "I think its about time we go take down Nils!"

"But this story just got started!" Nino wimpered. "We need a climax or something first."

"Well then." Erk sighed. "Here's the climax."

"What -AHHHHH!!!"

"Nino!!" Rebecca shrieked, knocking the table over. Someone had snuck into Nino's treehouse and now had Nino in their possession.

"Don't move." The voice hissed. "We have you surrounded.

"Oh flux." Erk looked around the room. Those murky green eyes were now glowing and he could make out most of the faces in the hoods. "Louise, Black isn't your color."

"It isn't?" Louise stopped and looked at her robe. "Ew, I think you're right- must obey Niiiiiiiils"

"They're going to start chanting, aren't they?" Erk groaned and looked to Rebecca.

"MUUUUUUUUUST OBEEEEEEEY NIIIIIIIIIILS!"

"You just HAD to say that, didn't you?" Rebecca grumbled. She slowly raised her hands and Erk had no choice but to do the same.

"Nighty night." Jaffar grinned. The last thing Erk and Rebecca saw were those murky green eyes, then blackness.

When Erk awoke, it was obviously still nighttime. There was a throbbing pain in the back of his head where someone had hit him, most likely Jaffar, and he noticed his shoes were missing.

"Hey Erk, why are our shoes gone?" Rebecca was already awake.

"I have no idea." Erk shook his head. "I'm more concerned as to where exactly are we?"

"And what happened to Nino." Rebecca sighed, tears coming to her eyes. "I just don't want to think of what Nils will do to her!"

"This is the dramatic crying scene, right?"

"Yep. You're supposed to comfort me."

"What!?"

"Sorry. It's the rules."

"Flux." Erk sighed. Rebecca started crying again and Erk sighed. He pulled her close to him, Rebecca resting her head on his shoulder as Erk wrapped his arms around her. "It'll be alright, I'm sure Nino can hold her own-this feels weird."

"No kidding." Rebecca sat up and shoved Erk away. "God, that stupid dramatic crying scene makes me look like a sissy!"

"And Hector would kill me if he saw that."

"I don't think it counts as cheating because you're the hero, I'm the heroine, and I think Nino is the damsel in distress."

"Good point." Erk stood up. "I have a door key left from locking Nino in her room at night. We ARE in her room so it'll get us out."

"How can you tell?"

"We're standing in Wyvern droppings. That is why we don't have any shoes."

"You won't get away with this!" Nino cried and clung to the bars of the iron playpen Nils had her locked in.

"Yes I will." Nils retorted. "And you are going to be my queen."

"I don't want to be your queen!"

"Yes you do"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"That's so lame, Nils."

"IT IS NOT!"

"is too!"

"is not!"

"STOP!

"NO!"

"Milord?" Fiora blinked.

"WHAT!?" Nils spun around. Fiora was pointing to Erk and Rebecca, whom were standing in the doorway. Cheesy heroic music started playing and everyone sort of stopped to look around to see where that came from.

"Sorry." Heath turned off the CD player. "It was for a dramatic effect."

"Ah." Erk raised an eyebrow. "I see."

"We've come to defeat you, Nils!" Rebecca butted in front of Erk, facing Nils head on. "And we're here to rescue Nino!"

"Ha ha ha!" Nils cackled. "You will not defeat me so easily!"

"God this is so lame." Erk rolled his eyes. "Nils, you're a 12 year old kid who hops around and plays the flute. What makes you think you're so powerful?"

"This." Nils grinned and snapped his fingers. Fiora jumped out behind Nils and ripped off her black robe, revealing tight black leather clothes, and an Elysian whip in her hand.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh ERKY-POO!!!!"

"OH MY GOD!"

"Don't worry, Erk, I'll take her out!"

"Not so fast!" Nils snapped his fingers again. Legault once again emerged from the shadows, an eye patch now over his eye where the SPOON had hit him.

"Erk!!"

"I'm sort of busy!!" Erk called from on top of a dressing cabinet. He was kicking his foot at Fiora, who was busy lashing the whip up at him.

"Come on down, tiger! Momma's got a present for ya!"

"I want my Elfire book." Erk cowered back up against the wall.

"Get away from me!" Rebecca tried to kick at Legault, but he was too fast. "GAH!"

"You know what" Erk sighed, then looked down at Fiora. "Go in the kitchen and find me a blue strawberry. Bring it to me and I'll let you do whatever you want."

"YES!" Fiora quickly dashed out of the room and down the hall.

"HEY!" Nils shrieked. "You can't do that!!!"

"Yes I can." Erk jumped off the cabinet and reached into his cloak. "Hey Legault."

"What?!" Legault hissed. Erk grinned and pulled his cloak around him, then quickly yanked open the sides and flashed Legault. "AHHHHH!!!"

"ERK!" Rebecca quickly shielded her eyes. Legault hissed and backed off into the darkness, never to be seen again until five minutes later at the local tavern.

"What?" Erk looked at her. "While in Nino's treehouse I grabbed a bunch of SPOONS and taped them to the inside of my cloak. I knew that we'd be meeting up with Legault again soon and he wasn't too happy that my shot was so accurate."

"Oh." Rebecca sighed with relief, then frowned. "Still, it looked wrong!"

"Well it didn't look like you had a better plan."

"Heeeey I'm being ignored!"

"Shut up, Nils."

"Or you'll do what, huh?" Nils frowned. Erk tossed Rebecca the key and she headed over to free Nino. The anima mage looked slowly down at Nils, red showing slightly in his purple eyes and he grinned menacingly.

"All your followers are gone, Nils." Erk began. "It's just you and us three now."

"W-what are you going to do!?" Nils backed up against his chair. "GUARDS!"

"Bare the doors!" Erk shouted. Rebecca and Nino quickly bolted the door shut, then joined Erk in towering over Nils.

"We're going to make you pay for your mistakes, Nils." Rebecca cackled.

"You won't want to be king after this." Nino smirked.

"And you have no one to run to because everyone is on your prank potion." Erk smirked, then handed Nino and Rebecca each a handful of SPOONS.

"Wait! NO! I CAN EXPLAIN!" Nils shrieked. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Man, my head HURTS!" Eliwood sighed. "I think Roy's trying to play tricks on his old man again."

"Who's Roy?" Lyn rubbed her head. "And why are our shoes gone?"

"Not a clue." Hector grunted. "Man, that had to be the most screwed up New Years bash ever."

"The inn is a bloody wreck!!" Canas howled. "Don't even get me STARTED on the kitchen!"

"Don't get me started on Nils." Ninian sighed. "The poor child woke up with bruises and bumps all over him. He claims that Erk, Nino, and Rebecca all ganged up on him last night. The three of them, of course, claimed that Nils was trying to take over the group and make Nino his queen."

"Like THAT will ever happen." Eliwood rolled his eyes. "People these days are just so full of it."

"If anything Nils kept bothering them until he was finally clobbered like always." Lowen handed Eliwood a bowl of soup.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

"Good morning, Nils!" Louise said cheerfully. "Ready for breakfast?"

"Sure. Ow. What're we having?" Nils sat down slowly. He was battered and bruised, and he couldn't help but glance over at Erk, then to Rebecca, then lastly at Nino who was feeding Hyperion.

"Cereal today. The kitchen is too much of a wreck to make anything." Louise set a bowl in front of him. "Hold on a second, I'll get you a spoon."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

FIN!…Till next year.